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Well I am back (again). The short version of the story is my DH cheated and we worked to fix it 10 years ago. About two years ago I started seeing the same red flags and our relationship when south really fast. Again a large age difference between DH and his "friend". I really struggled for the last few years on making the choice to move on and on July 2nd I filed for a divorce. Now DH says he wants to try to make it work. He said that he has ended it with the other person. He is walking around sulking like he lost his best friend. I do not feel bad for him. He wants me to call off the divorce and take back what is left of my retainer. He says that is a good faith gesture and until I do that he does not want to spend time with me. I think that if he really wants to make it work he would be willing to try without everything his way. I know that I am at fault for where our relationship ended up and the turmoil we are in today. However I put a halt to all things divorce related with the lawyer and I think that is a good faith gesture. Please advice me as I do not want to act out in a bad manner. I am open to trying, I am open to counseling, I am open to pulling the money from the retainer, I am open to lots of things, but I want the same in return. Is this asking to much?
Last edited by KMEJ; 07/27/13 06:25 PM.
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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He says that is a good faith gesture and until I do that he does not want to spend time with me This is absolutely hilarious! He is throwing a fit because his cake source is leaving him! You should equate this to a toddler holding their breath. It is nonsense. Absolutely DO NOT pull the money from the retainer!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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That is what I was thinking as well. I am providing good faith- I am willing after all this time to still try- even after I filed AND told the kids. WE are all adjusting. I would love to still have a family but I have hard limits. Him sulking around because he had to choose...
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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Here is a post to you on your thread from Jan 2012. Sounds like you need to do a full exposure this time. Even if it means becoming clinical in your approach to it.
No exposure = many more affairs for him in the future.
CV Did you ever expose to your children? Did you ever expose the affair from jan 2012? My dear you have a serial cheater on your hands and this will continue until you become serious.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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Who have you exposed to? Is OW married?
I wouldn't stop the divorce unless he gives you just compensation. What EPs and boundaries has he put into place?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Also, how did he facilitate his affair? Read this and listen to the clips. Serial Cheaters
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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KMEJ, what did you and your husband do to recover your marriage after his affair? What concepts of Dr. Harley's did you follow?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Is his affair partner opposite sex or same sex?
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I'm very sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here.� Ive read through your threads.� You posted this in 2004: My husband �and I reconciled after �a 10 month split after he had an on going affair with a 19 year old girl (our childrens nanny). �We have been back together now since 2/04. �We moved to get �fresh start and things were going well for awhile. �He would come home and be pleasent, want to spend time with me, we would get a babysitter and go out, or stay in and play games, it did not matter as long as we were together. �Well about a month or two ago he started talking to another female on his cellphone and (someone I know has a huge crush on him and has for years) and he started hanging out with his guyfriends a lot, staying out real late with his "buddies", leaving me home with the kids alone 6 nights a week (he does work 4-12) and so on. �I have tried talking to him about it but he just gets defensive and says that I should not be snooping through his stuff. �Last night he did not get home until 4:30a.m. and did not understand why I was concerned ( I was a cold calm). �I found out today that he has been calling this girl several times a day and having her call his phone under a "private" line so it does not show up. �He got mad when I went to my mothers for her birthday on Sunday and now tells me that i am not trying hard enough to save our marriage because I do not spend all MY freetime with him. �Which trust me when I say that I spend 99% of my freetime with him, it was just my moms birthday. �He says I am pushing him to cheat again. �I do everything for him, and get nothing back. �He says that I am imagineing everything, am I??? �Please help me. You posted this a few months later in 2005: yes this I realize. �He has held pillows over me, and choked me, and dangled me over stairs, however when he does things like that he apologizes and seems sincere. �I am just afraid of the time that he does not stop. I am not sure why he does these things. �Some days things are great and others, no. �It was better when we worked opposites. �I sometimes think if I just kept the house clean and the children quiet and was pleasent it would help his mood. �But I also realize I can not do it all all the time. �I do not think he means to hurt me, that maybe it is his way of showing affection, or maybe I am just trying to make excuses for him again. Posters advised you to enter a women's shelter and you called them.� A few weeks later, you posted that your husband was trying to arrange a threesome: I just looked up the dates, and he has been doing this for several days now, this did not start tonight. �I think I am going to be sick. �Even as a joke. �I am sure he is going to say it is no big deal, all in fun what not, but I am not okay with this. My H left the computer up, and when I got home it was on a sexsearch.com and he has been posting on there �[color:"red"]WITh MY PICTURE!!!!!!!!! �[/color] I am appaulled, insulted, hurt to name just a few feelings I have at the moment. �HE has my picture on there and is advertiseing that I am looking for sex!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> �I am sure he is doing it out of fun and thinks it is a joke, but my head is spinning right now. �He is downstairs with his buddy, and I have no clue how to respond to this. �I have read only a few of the e-mails that "I" am sending. �I am rather sick at the moment. �My Senior picture from 10 years ago is on there, but it is still me. �What do I do with this one??? I just read more, apparently he is trying to get someone to come have a threeway with us... �or something. �Joke or not that is my picture!!!!
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Two years later: I am an old poster. �Some may remember me. �I can not sleep tonight. �I fear that my husband is back to his old tricks, whether he believes it or not. �For those who do not know me, my husband cheated on me starting 3 1/2 years ago with an employee of his (he is a manager) and the affair lasted a year. �we seperated and then tried to work things out. �Granted we have had our ups and downs, but I thought things were going better the last year. �Well lately he has been talking with female employees- they have his cell phone number. �He does not see the issue as he says I can check his phone records and text history anytime I want. and claims that he does most of the interactions infront of me. �Well tonight was the drawing point, him and I sat down to watch a movie together, kids in bed, just him and I time. �His phone rings and he answers it (mine is in the other room, why is his always with him I wonder) it is a female employee of his, he puts her on speaker, and they have this very comfortable conversation, where she states that his last message that HE sent she did not understand, and implyed that it was one of many. �They sat and laughed and joked and carried on, and I was sitting right there, he did not see anything wrong with it. �Please keep in mind this was how his last affair started. �I could not take it anymore so I went up to my room intending to go to bed and sleep on it to ensure that I was not over reacting. �He came up a few minutes later and said I was making to much out of it and that it was no big deal. �I told him it was just how his last A started and he laughed, saying I would never let that go. �He turned it around on me. �I am sick to my stomach. �Is this the beginning of a new nightmare? �or am I over reacting like he says.??? 4 years from your original post: I was on about 8 years ago suffering through my H affair. �With a lot of pain and sacrifice I thought that we had made a recovery. �As of late it appears it was a false recovery. �My H has another "friend" from work, one he is insistant that she is only a friend. �The problem is when I asked him to stop the communication he said without her he has nothing �  . �I told him that is hurtful. �He promises me that he loves me and can not imagine his life without me. �He says that I would have been okay with it had 8 years ago not happened. �He is probably right. I love him and want so badly to believe him but I see so much of the past in the present and I am scared. Am I reading to much into this? �Am I over reacting? �Just a few thoughts. Thanks for listening. � And now 2013: Well I am back (again). �The short version of the story is my DH cheated and we worked to fix it 10 years ago. �About two years ago I started seeing the same red flags and our relationship when south really fast. �Again a large age difference between DH and his "friend". �I really struggled for the last few years on making the choice to move on and on July 2nd I filed for a divorce. �Now DH says he wants to try to make it work. �He said that he has ended it with the other person. �He is walking around sulking like he lost his best friend. �I do not feel bad for him. �He wants me to call off the divorce and take back what is left of my retainer. �He says that is a good faith gesture and until I do that he does not want to spend time with me. �I think that if he really wants to make it work he would be willing to try without everything his way. �I know that I am at fault for where our relationship ended up and the turmoil we are in today. �However I put a halt to all things divorce related with the lawyer and I think that is a good faith gesture. �Please advice me as I do not want to act out in a bad manner. �I am open to trying, I am open to counseling, I am open to pulling the money from the retainer, I am open to lots of things, but I want the same in return. �Is this asking to much? Out of all these posts, your most recent one "I filed for divorce" seems the most rational.� But you are already considering canceling it. Just how you canceled the women's shelter years ago.� Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? If so I can predict the future posts for you... 2 years from now: "I'm back. My husband and I were recovering from an affair but he started another affair...." 6 years from now: "my husband has been really good about controlling himself but he choked me last night ..." 10 years from now: "my husband is demanding we have a threesome with his mistress..." OR..... "I have filed for divorce and entered plan B" Which future will it be?
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Oh! Do not waste any more of your life chasing a dream of what he ought to be!
Know when to call it quits and be done with him.
You are probably worth much more than he has to offer. I do not know you but I bet you are worth much more.
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KMEJ I hope you continue posting so we can help you heal from the trauma you have suffered. Have you considered emailing Dr H?
Me 46yrs
WH 46yrs "Isildur"
Married: 22yrs 8mths
DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs
Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11
DD:26.11.11
WH moves to OW house 28.11.11
Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12
Plan B 27.4.12
D:20.7.14
"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
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First and foremost, THANK YOU Jedi-Knight for the recap of the last ten years- I seem to check out the past and try to move forward. I am way to forgiving looking at all those posts. I do not want to keep living this life cycle. After reading all this I started to think about the last few conversations DH and I have had. He wants to know what I am giving up. When he does something I know I am not okay with he reminds me that I have filed for a divorce. He pouts and says that reality is sinking in. I wanted so badly for my marriage to work, but I am beginning to wonder if I am holding on because I am afraid to let go. If maybe it is because I do not want to see him with someone else (yet I already have, That I do not want to share my kids...but that is out of my control.
I went back to school 5 years ago, graduated and am now a teacher, I am currently working on getting my masters. I can be so determined and stubborn in some areas of my life why can I not hold firm when it comes to this? Why do I love him as much as I do---or is it I am afraid to be alone? So many questions.
To answer some of yours--- this OW is 19. I exposed it to their work- she got transferred. I exposed it to his family and friends. He will no longer speak to his family, and his friends, well that is a different story. Some tell him he is an idiot and continue to invite me, others hang out with him and her.
I have read many of Dr. H's books. I work on many of the concepts. I have spoken to Dr. Harley but that was many moons ago.
It took me over a year to finally make the move to hire a lawyer- I always told myself that once I filed I was not going back, yet here I am. Why do I do this? My kids are aware of the situation. They keep telling me to just do what ever it takes to keep dad around. They are getting better about it and accepting.
Sorry for the rambling. Hope this makes sense.
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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Go into Plan B. Don't withdraw your retainer or put the D on hold. Take the time to heal. By the time you do all that, you'll have a very good perspective on what is good and healthy. You will no longer allow anyone, whether your WS or not, to intrude evil into your life.
But that first step is going immediate NC with WH, so you can begin to heal from his years of physical and emotional abuse.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Any advice how to go complete no contact when we still live in the same house? I have been informed by my attorney that I have no legal rights at this point to ask him to leave. His desire to make this work, or his claim rather, was very short lived. He never came home from work today (off at 3) and I have not heard anything from him (almost 8) I have sent him a text message asking if he was planning on coming home at 6 and no response. He told me yesterday that he may go out with his guy friend after work- well I talked with that friend and no surprise there, he is not with him. I am not stupid, I know that OW was on a cruise for the last week and a half and has been home since Thursday and they had yet to spend time together. The draw must have been to much for him. The weirdest thing (to me) is that it really just does not bother me. I am not angry. Should I be? I have gotten to acceptance. So interesting that he wants me to withdraw the money----why? So he can continue his double life? What about my life? What about the kids? What about setting the right example. I am better then this. RelationSHIPS sink when there are too many people on board.
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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Change the locks and have his stuff on the steps. Read this. Do you live in a fault or no fault state? How to Plan B Correctly
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I live in a no fault state. The lawyer said that the reason he advises me to not change the locks is because at any time WH can break a window and re-enter and that is perfectly legal. I guess it does not matter really... I need to just get something consistent happening. This life is not fair to myself or my kids.
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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Well im not a lawyer but any signs of forced entry some form of assault.
Married for 3 years
And going through a seperation.
me bh 33
her ww 34
2 kids
her dd 14
my ds 8
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The kids are telling you to "do whatever it takes to keep dad around" because that is the example they have seen their entire lives.
By continuing with divorce, they will hopefully see a therapist and learn
To re evaluate how they view marital relationships
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I live in a no fault state. The lawyer said that the reason he advises me to not change the locks is because at any time WH can break a window and re-enter and that is perfectly legal. I guess it does not matter really... I need to just get something consistent happening. This life is not fair to myself or my kids. Dr Harley would probably encourage you to seek a protection order and get him Out of the house so you can enter plan B. If you can't get him out you should leave. (I forget the age of our kids. If they are minors take them with you). He is a physically abusive man and can react dangerously towards you as he begins to Face the consequences of divorce.
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