Betty, I strongly agree with The Road. I would really work on moving far away from the OM and on trying to get your BH onboard with moving.

My OC is 5 now and we live 3000 miles away from the OM. I think this has been immensely helpful in making our situation work. I can't imagine how we would have gotten through this if we had to constantly worry about bumping into the OM wherever we go.

Right now, our OC knows nothing of her bio dad. We do intend to tell her when she is older, but I think she is simply too young to understand the situation at this point, especially since OM isn't a part of her life. I couldn't imagine trying to explain this kind of situation to a 3 1/2 year old. I'm hoping we'll know when is the right time to bring the issue up, but right now we're thinking when OC is about 7 or 8.

Gamma,

Because the affair did not ended with the pregnancy, I actually told OM when I became pregnant, and even though at the time he suggested for me to have an abortion, I still did not have the courage or determination to end the EA. I know how wrong I was, I allow him to manipulate me in every way you can imagine, including allowing him to see OC during the first couple of years of his existence. To be honest with you, I did want OC to know his BF and I wanted him to grow up with him in his life, unfortunately his BF response during that time was "it was not the right moment and time", I gave him that time and never came in his timing until now apparently. Even though now he wants to be part of his live as he expressed the first time he approached me, he also called my desk and left me messages after that trying to stir up feelings, I communicated this to my H and changed my work number, thankfully I was able to get my desk number changed, so to me this clearly tells me he's only using OC and he really doesn't care about OC only his ego, that's what my H thinks...once OC turned 2 years old I ended the EA because I realized he wanted me to leave my H and wanted me to be available to him with OC, but he still wanted to keep his life intact before everyone's eyes, that's what it seemed, looking at this back now...Once I saw OC growing older and seeing my H with him unaware of the situation and all my lies, I became an emotional mess because of the guilt and living these two separate lives. I finally got the courage and determination to end the EA I went through a lot of problems with OM which my H was not aware of my other life outside of our home and that's when I came to find MB and got the courage to tell my H the truth of OC and all I had done. OM's contact with OC was brief when it happen, because OM was married as well as I was during that time. OM also has another child with another woman and the son he raised with his W who's now grown up. The EA turned out very bad, bitter, hateful and just wrong all the way around which is why I feel he's doing what he's doing now...I know it was a huge mistake and erroneous on my part to have gotten involved with this man because we were both married. Looking back I realized I should have walked away when he confessed to me about his first affair and having a child with that other woman, this was a huge red light and I ignored it, in my stupid mind I thought it was a mistake and we all make them, but I was completely in the fog and thought I could really change his life for the better...how ridiculous was I? As ridiculous as this sounds that was my state of mind then and I feel so awful that this was my mentality at some point. He actually was pressuring me to leave my H, but after accepting and settling for being a second hand dish for those years a lot of negative feelings were building up inside of me. I did recognize my wrongdoing, but being so emotionally attached to this person, made it very difficult for me to end the EA. When I came to MB I realized why exposure was so important, had it not been for that I could potentially be in a much worse situation now with OM and I could see the disaster that would have come about that. Certainly in the beginning exposure was something I was strongly opposing, but having gone through this now, I see you were all correct.

I really don't know how to approach our OC now with this...he's only three and half years old. He seems to be asking less as time has gone by, but it worries me that he may still have this in his little mind and that when he starts to get older seeing how different he looks from his brothers he might start making sense of things. In his best interest we were planning to tell him when he was older and in the meantime prepare him for when the day came. After this incident, I don't know what to think, we are just taking it a day at a time and making sure OC feels loved and that he is happy and safe. My H and I have gotten through very well thanks to MB, but now we have this situation and are concern with OC, we want him to grow up with his family, us and his brothers, with stability in every aspect of his upbringing...

Kind regards,
Betty

I don't see how you can recover if you are close enough to OM that he can do that! Dr. Harley recommends moving in such a situation.

But this is going to preclude recovery - it's going to be death of a thousand cuts due to the constant reminders.

Our job here is not to help you live with this - our job is to show you why this is a bad idea and will probably prevent recovery.

Markos I agree with you...I would like to move, I'm considering this to be best...I know OM's family lives about an hour away from where we live. What makes it difficult for us to consider moving away is the fact that all of our close family members live nearby, with the exception of a few that live a couple of hours away. I do feel it's like gambling to stay where we currently are and with what has happened...my H also runs his business in this area and it's difficult having to come to terms and make the decision to pack and leave our home...

I have read so much on MB, I have especially read so much from others experiences that it has given a completely different perspective on live and my marriage that before I never saw. It hurts to think I was so selfish and hurt my H and children the way I did and to see I'm still dragging this on because of what has happened. But I feel very different from before, I realized I had no boundaries in place before, that I do have now. When I recall my past mistakes, there are no negative emotions or feelings, but guilt, shame and regret because I now acknowledge the magnitude of damages my selfishness caused my H and family and overall the poor life lessons I was teaching my sons by example. My H knows I have worked very hard and diligently to earn his trust, he has access to my work email as well my work phone voice messages, which he can access from anywhere he is at, I'm as open as I can be and I don't want to jeopardize our marriage in any way. I have no feelings towards OM, and I feel my H can see that from the change he has seen in me. Our concern is OC, we don't want to confuse OC right now, we don't want to keep this a secret from him, but rather tell him the truth when he's older and prepare him in the meantime by offering him a home with stability and he feels safe and where he feels loved.

Thank you for your advice, I will have my H come and read some of your posts later tonight.

Kind regards,
Betty

Help OC forget the OM contact would be to never go back to that park with the OC.

TheRoad is right. The park is a trigger for him. My children comment whenever we're on OM's street. Sadly my new babysitter lives nearby. It's a dagger in my heart everytime. I am chomping at the bit waiting for when a move is feasible for me.