Help, I'd love some encouragement and advice.

I've been working to put into practice the concepts here. Filling needs and avoiding love busters. But I keep failing and every time I do it's added to the rest of the 13 years of mistakes. So many of which (independent behavior, fighting for my way, neglect) I made before I understood all of these concepts. The damage from those years created huge scars so that now, even though things are a world better than they used to be, the 'wound' for my husband is just as gaping, fresh and painful every time I open it with even minor set backs in my behavior.

My husband is not willing to do the program with me and when I'm not failing in the areas I need to work on he is really a wonderful husband. But when I do fail he has nothing in his love bank for me - just sorrow and regret about our marriage and the years he's wasted. This is so painful for me to see and hear. The week before we will have been having a wonderful time together and then NOTHING - he feels nothing for me. I can't quite grasp the rollercoaster of feelings. Perhaps someone who has been on his side and experienced the pain can help me understand? I'm trying but fail, I ache that I've hurt him again and it's torture that he can't even stand to look at me until he has had days to recover. He keeps saying he doesn't know how many more times he can deal with these feelings before he leaves. I know the concept of the love bank and that this is what's emptied by me every time I neglect him. But I don't hurt him intentionally and I can't seem to see ahead of time what the choices I am making will do to him. I would so appreciate some words of wisdom here too.

Is there any hope? Am I just torturing both of us for longer than I need to? Has anyone out there who struggled to change habits/behaviors that had years of history had their marriage survive without their spouse on board with the program?

My bad habits/behaviors lately mostly have to do with the way I manage time when we aren't together - ie: not putting enough time into finding fun activities for us to share in together, getting too involved in the events of friends and families lives which leaves him feeling like he's the last thing on my mind. And then when we are together talking about those people or events too much which to him shows how much more important they are to me.(we are together every morning and evening for many hours and always on weekends - we are only separate about 8 hours a day M-F but even during those hours are in the same house most of the time and interact) I feel like we have lots of time for depositing love units but it seems that one withdrawal by me always empties his bank.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Welcome to MB.

What are your H's top ENs?

What Love Busters are you guilty of?

How much UA time are you getting? Are you spending that time meeting each other's needs?

Do you have the book Love Busters?

Brook, can you be very specific about what you are doing? I don't understand what lovebusters you are committing.


Just being together is not what we mean by undivided attention time. UA time is time you are giving undivided attention to your spouse meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs. Rarely is time spent at home effective UA time, because couples are too easily distracted at home. [except having sex, of course] Going out on dates is a better way to ensure that you have each others undivided attention.

How often do you go out on dates?

I have read LB HNHN and HWSW and listen to MB radio almost daily and have for about 2 years.

Top needs for H are recreation, communication and sexual fulfillment and just basically feeling that he is my number one priority in life. He won't fill out the questionnaire but these are what he has expressed to me and the things I fail to provide well enough.

In the past I have been guilty of anger, defensiveness, disrespectful attitudes, and neglect - other things in life took priority and making dinner, our home's care and his needs were the first things to be given up. I now am so much better with time management and have made so many of the schedule changes he wanted me to make and am so glad I have. But the damage was done - everything was a fight and now I have the consequences of those years of damage to him.

I've still been struggling with keeping disrespect and nasty comments in check. Up until recently I thought I would never be able to get that right. And maybe I'll relapse (which I dread). But mid October we had a long discussion where we went over all our past problems. The result was that I was able to clear and reset the feelings I had inside. I know that sounds strange but when I had filled out the angry outburst questionnaire I wrote that 'Underlying must be some really bad attitudes about my husband that I can�t root out.' I feel that the conversation we had took all of that bad feeling away and I haven't had any disrespectful attitudes since. It's a new feeling and it seems to have relieved me of the burden of my anger that would come out in upsetting moments.

That gave me such relief! And our marriage had been better than I remember it ever being in 13 years for 4 weeks until last week... during those weeks we talked a lot, I felt so comfortable and at ease. So much of the time throughout our marriage I feel on edge that I'm going to do or say something to upset him. Or guilty when I know my life is out of control and I'm neglecting my marriage - but I didn't seem to know how to get control again. This is hard to explain. I hope I'm conveying the gist of our problems.

Last week I allowed excitement over some events for a couple of friends to take more of my time and mental energy than I should have. I could feel things getting out of balance and actually approached him about it but he acted like it was fine, then I made the mistake of texting during our time together, which I know would upset him but in the moment I felt that my reasons where justified. Then things have gotten worse because rather than just acknowledging his upset and asking for forgiveness and shutting up I tried to explain my view on everything that had taken place. He viewed that as me being selfish and just wanting to defend myself and my only concern is for his love for me not how he feels.

Regarding UA time - it varies. We don't have children so time home is alone. We talk a lot when things are good. Which I think meets his needs, it meets mine. Although he does express wanting to know more about my feelings. This is difficult for me but was amazingly better during those 4 weeks.

We do a lot together recreationally but not UA, often with friends and family. Our preferred activity for an alone weekend dinner is to cook together something we both enjoy and then watch TV or a movie together.

The huge miss here is UA time. If you will do this step right you will see a huge difference. Your husband won't feel so neglected anymore and you will feel happier when you are with him. I would start by scheduling the time. Time that is not scheduled is too easily put off for less important things.

Dr Harley recommends using the worksheet and sitting down once a week to plan out your week. The time should be a) out of the home on dates b) spent alone and c) devoted to meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs. Plan out 4 - 4 hour dates. The time should be scheduled at a time when you both have the most energy.

Any time that is spent watching TV or a movie is NOT UA time. UA time only counts when you give each other your undivided attention.

You should also both look nice and attractive for each other during your dates.

If you have a schedule and really stick to it, he might not be so resentful of time you spend on friends.

Here is the worksheet: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4508_tuaw.html

Thank you MelodyLane I will put more specific effort into this. Unfortunately I don't think I can get him to specifically schedule the time with me but I'll schedule it in my calendar, including thinking about us time, and this should help. I shouldn't just think of being alone in our house together as quality and I should put more specific effort into UA time.

Well, thinking about you time would not be UA time. What constitutes UA time is time spent alone meeting the ENs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. My H used to have the same complaints about me that you husband has and he really liked the idea of scheduling the time because it ensured that time was set aside for US and not sqaundered on less important things. There is nothing more important in your week. Your husband might be very receptive to the idea!

I'll try (although I can't right now - he's way too upset and every time I mention this program he says he's done putting the effort into our relationship - it's my turn now). He also hates the idea that I'm 'forcing' myself to do anything. He doesn't want anything if it isn't coming naturally. This is part of why my neglect is so painful to him, he feels prioritizing him should come naturally. He doesn't even like the word 'needs' because he thinks caring for each other should come naturally, instinctively. I see how much trouble that got me into and how good the policy of creating good habits is but I seem to have to work this alone right now.

With regard to thinking time - that is a need he has. He feels he is the only one who thinks about and comes up with interesting things to add to our relationship and he really has played that role largely. So if I fail to 'come to the table' with evidence that I've put time and effort into our relationship he views this as neglect...

Then scheduling this time together should make him feel better, right? It will show him that you are putting effort into your marriage and resolving the issues.


When one changes their habits it does not "come naturually" at all. When I quit smoking, it was not natural. New habits never feel natural at first. But if you want to have a great marriage, then new habits have to be established.


It doesn't. Successful couples have to learn how to be pros at meeting each others needs.

Which category would your husband fall into? This is from Dr Harley's book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.



Thinking is something you do alone and is not an emotional need that adds to his lovebank. Whereas, demonstrating actions would. For example, bringing the worksheet and a willingness to schedule that time will demonstrate that to him. Having an action plan will bring something much more significant to the marriage.