I haven't posted here for over ten years since the breakdown of my previous marriage and now my current (2nd marriage) is in trouble.

Our relationship used to be great until we moved in together in 2006 and ever since it's gone downhill to the point I don't like being around her anymore because every time we're around one another it's constant arguing, bickering and I feel like I'm constantly banging my head against the wall going round in futile circles.

She refuses to help out around the house and despite me doing practically everything for her she is incredibly selfish and ungrateful and lazy and some days it feels like I'm looking after a child not a woman. I not only have to constantly think for her but if I don't do stuff it wont get done. I try my hardest to give her a nice home but it constantly gets thrown back in my face and she doesn't appreciate anything I do and just moans at me all the time.

In 2008 after trying to hold down a full time job and a part time evening job as well as do everything around the house it led to me having a nervous breakdown. In 2010 my son was born and I decided to quit full time work to be a househusband and still work my part time evening job but this made her even less reluctant to help out around the house and no matter how much I seem to do she finds ways to be ungrateful and now with a 3 year old son who's going through the constant whingeing stage it's putting stress on me. I'm fine looking after him on my own but can't cope with my wife as well because it's like extra pressure I can well do without. She will have a go at me because she doesn't like what I've made for tea or I haven't hoovered the lounge floor properly or that her work trousers haven't been ironed yet she wont lift a finger around the house. She just moans about what I don't do and doesn't appreciate the stuff I do do.

This last week I've had to put up all the Christmas decorations myself and wrap all the family's presents. I spent all day yesterday cleaning, washing and scrubbing the floors, making the beds as well as trying to look after my son, then bathed him, got him ready for bed and made tea for us all and then she had a go at me because I didn't have time to post her Christmas cards for her friends which I had to write out myself because if I didn't do it they would never get done. I didn't get bed till 4am because I was up wrapping the rest of my son's presents and not stopped all day and as soon as she got home she complained again because I'd left one of his presents in the lounge by mistake instead of taking it upstairs out the way to which I told her if she wasn't happy to go and f'ing well do it herself and called her lazy, selfish and ungrateful.

She wont pay a bill unless I remember to pay it and despite us being tight for money she won't stop spending to the point she's (for the second time) put us into serious money worries. I've told her she needs to stop spending but she won't and has so far spent over �350 on a 3 year old child so the rest has had cone out of our current account which is currently �800 overdrawn. She constantly forgets things and will loose stuff like her phone or leave her purse lying around in pubs and it's up to me to remind her.

You know when you have to remind a child to brush their teeth or ask them if they've remembered to do such-and-such? It's exactly like that. I've tried speaking to her on numerous occasions but she only bothers to buck her ideas up after a big bust up but two weeks later it's all back to her old ways again. She feels that because she goes to work that's her responsibility finished. All she does when she comes home is moan at me about stuff and spends the entire evening asleep on the sofa. She's a teaching assistant who works less than full time and has school holidays off yet even in the holidays it takes her all her time to do any chores or help out around the house despite me still having to work part time and look after my son and the house. The only time she will cook is to stick a ready meal in the microwave or heat up a pizza. All she seems to want to do is sleep. It's not much company for me spending every evening sitting there listening to her snoring on the sofa so I've took to going out by myself which has resulted in us being like ships that pass in the night.

She will wear something once, leave it in a crumpled pile on the floor. I will wash it, iron it and fold it and all she has to do it put it away but it will get left on the floor to get creased then she has a go at me because her clothes aren't fit to wear. Like I've got better things to do than iron things twice.

On top of this we haven't slept together for 2 years or more and on the odd occasion we feel romantic I'm usually not in the mood. It's hard to feel turned on or attracted to someone who I've began to dislike and resent because for the majority of time she just irritates me. Most days I dread her coming home and feel happier when she's not around. She's not here tonight. I went upstairs to bed feeling angry and depressed and she took herself and my son to my mum and dad's and is now going to spend Christmas away from me at her parents house.

I was talking to her mum last week and she said it's about time she grew up and stopped acting like a child and took some responsibility. Thing is I've become quite abusive towards her and will go into swearing fits due to utter frustration and tonight I did the unforgivable and pushed her to the floor after she tried to stop me from walking off upstairs. By the time I came downstairs she'd packed an overnight bag and gone. There's little love left in our relationship but talking about stuff seems to fall on deaf ears. I know I'm not the easiest person to live with what with my depression and stress levels but I put a lot of this down to her putting so much pressure on me and she seems to think depression is something you can just snap out of or get over.

First off. Welcome back to MB.

One thing is for sure.. You HAVE to eliminate your angry outbursts. There will be no point in continuing your marriage if you can't control your emotions regardless of her reaction. Anxiety is rampant in society today and makes us insane when it begins to take over your cognitive thinking.

You and your wife are living independantly. And your lack of quality time together is making further withdrawls from both of your love banks. Couple that with your other lovebusters between you and her and your def headed for disaster.

Have you snooped to rule out an affair?

How much time do you and her spend as hubby and wife without kids,tv, friends etc?

You say this is your second wife.. Did you introduce her to the MB concepts after the break down of your previous marriage? Was she dating you while you were still married to your ex (even if seperated?)

Your wife was right to leave after you pushed her. I strongly suggest some anger management. Look into a biofeedback device such as the GSR2 it may help.

I'm sure others will chime in as I'm on my phone. So let's start with that and move forward from there.

MNG

Hi Marty, welcome to Marriage Builders. Wow!! It sure sounds like you need to use the Marriage Builders program. Are you familiar with it? I would get the books, Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs and start educating and implementing this program. Go read the "start here first" thread pinned to the top of this forum and come back and lets discuss.

Are you married?

I'll try to answer as many questions as I can.

Definitely NOT having an affair. I can guarantee it. Unlike my previous wife who did and was why we separated.

Anxiety is an issue. Tried to get help but doesn't help when the minute I get home she constantly pushes my buttons. I'm by no means using that as an excuse for my outburst but she doesn't help and it's frustrating when you feel you're constantly banging your head against a wall and all she can do is constantly keep pushing me further over the edge. I'm truly disgusted with myself.

No I didn't introduce her to MB but she was with me during the end of my last marriage. I met her during the time I needed support and we became close and she was there when I got my Nici and absolute.

We get little quality time together without my son. She complains she's constantly too tired yet still finds enough time for him just not enough time for us.

The whole thing tonight happened after I tried to make some quality time for us. My son was rehearsing for his nativity play so wanted to go out for tea just the two of us and intended on going out later for a quiet drink together but as soon as we picked him up and got home the whingeing began and she continued to have a go at me about this present I'd inadvertently left in the lounge and it was just like it was totally futile me even trying to make any effort to make some quality time as it's always ruined. Either she ruins it by being ungrateful and moaning or most of the time our son is with us so we don't manage to get any peace to ourselves.

I just feel like no matter how much I try it's pointless because it always ends up in an argument or we both end up stressed out over our son usually kicking off over something and ruining the day for us all by being constantly tired and whingey and we end up coming home stressed and usually end up taking it out on one another because we're both tired or at the end of our tether. I can't remember the last time we had a nice family day out because it usually ends in one of us being stressed out and fed up which is usually down to my son kicking off and crying and screaming which then puts me in a bad mood and feeling all worked up.

On the occasions we do go out recently I don't feel particularly loved up so we sit there like strangers usually too exhausted or fed up to talk to one another or show any emotion and all I can think of is...I'd enjoy this night a lot more if I was on my own instead of sitting here with a wife who's constantly tired and got a face like a smacked backside and does nothing but moan at me when I try my best.

I admit my anxiety and depression isn't easy to live with but it's not helped by getting little to no support. I went upstairs to best tonight thinking how I could kill myself and had thoughts about self harming. I can't cope feeling like this anymore but know that without my family I would be distraught.

You are very disrespectful of her. Get the book Lovebusters and read up on the chapter "Disrespectful Judgements."

Yes we got married in 2010 after an unplanned pregnancy. Not familiar with marriage building programmes but will read the start here first and come back. Where can I get these books?

You can get the books from Amazon.com. OR, I *think* you can buy them on kindle/kindle for PCs and download them now. I would start with the book lovebusters and especially the chapter that Prisca mentioned. You have to FIRST eliminate the lovebusters before you start on the rest of your marriage.

Both are available on Kindle. Which one should I read first? Love Busters or His/Her needs?

I would jump to lovebusters first. Eliminate your lovebusters FIRST so you can begin repairing the damage.

Also as you're working on Love Busters of DJ listen to these clips.
Anger Management 101

Thank you that was really useful. However it's made me realise where 2 of my issues lie.

1) I find it difficult to relax and have intrusive thoughts. Basically stuff going round in my head about how much this other person is frustrating me and other stuff which I'm not happy about so I'm already permanently wound up thinking hateful thoughts and ready for conflict. I've tried relaxation but I can't get to come all the way down because I feel too wired and even in tgw bath I'm still pretty twitchy and having intrusive thoughts. I think this is mainly why everything blew up last night because I could see how things were going and tried to make the effort to share some quality tine together and when she started her moaning again and getting at me and the kid started screaming because he was tired, then I just snapped. I snapped because my attempt at a solution to have some quality didn't work.

2) They talk about switching anger to problem solving. Thing is I've tried to solve the problem by getting her to listen and understand why she makes me frustrated but it hasn't worked as she wont listen or respect me so I feel like I'm constantly banging my head against the wall. I can't solve the problem so revert to anger. If I knew how to solve it then this would be a big step towards me feeling less frustrated but how can it work when she refuses to alter her ways? It has to be a joint effort not just a 2 week thing then revert back to her old ways again and yes I agree I do that too by reverting back to my default behavior also.



At the minute my current main frustration with her is her constant spending. She is drawing money from our current account which we don't have and putting into a Christmas fund and then blowing it all on my son in ridiculous quantities so then I'm forced to dip further into the current account to buy stuff for her and my family because it's what is expected of me. I explained that the Christmas fund isn't there so she can blow it all on one person but she tells me to mind my own business and she WILL do as she pleases. She wants this perfect fantastic Christmas but can't see that she's ruining it by causing us to have money problems. This is causing me endless stress and worry but she never worries about anything because she has no responsibilities and refuses to take responsibility for anything in her life. I have put �700 from my own personal savings to boost our account but it's just been eaten up and I can't afford to pay myself back while she continues to spend. She will not stand on her own two feet but I can't carry on supporting her like this because it's bordering on having to act and think for two people. I know it sound disrespectful to say this but it really does feel like I'm living with a child whom I'm having to monitor and think for all the tine and it's physically and emotionally draining.

The bottom line here is not the spending or the fact she wont help out around the house but the fact that she refuses to grow up and take responsibilities. All through her life someone has been there to carry her and she hasn't had to think about anything because someone else will do it for her. I've tried making her stand on her own two feet but if I don't do stuff it never gets done so the responsibility always falls back on me to take care of things and remember to do stuff.

I married her to be my wife but I feel more like her carer.

I think you should read "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" as well. It will give you some understanding of the dynamics of your relationship, and how you can go about both becoming buyers.

I don't know what's happening. My head is in a right mess and I'm feeling really depressed.

Tried calling my parents but my mum doesn't want to speak to me and slammed the phone down on me and my wife wont speak to me. My son is currently with my parents at their house and I don't know what's happening.

Back when you decided to become a stay-at-home dad, was your wife enthusiastic about that decision? Was that decision reached following the Policy of Joint Agreement?

I was already off work at the time after not long losing my job and was struggling to find work and we discussed how it was crazy for my wife to give up her job to look after him seeing as I was already off work so I took over the roll of housekeeping. She seemed quite in agreement of the idea.

I suggest finding out for sure if she agrees with your being a househusband. It might well be that your failing to meet her EN for financial support has a lot to do with where you are. You can't really trade ENs with each other. A failure to meet the need for financial support isn't going to be compensated for by meeting the need for domestic support all the more, particularly if the financial support need is one of her top five and the domestic support need is not.

I've just found her wedding and engagement ring on the fireplace.

Finally got my mum to speak to me and she's told me that my wife is planning to divorce me and she's taking my son away for Christmas to her mum and dad's and when she comes back she wants me out of the house.

We get our income topped up by working tax credits so we're no worse off now than when I was working because of the extra benefits we get and help towards our rent etc. If I went back to work not only would we lose all our benefits and tax credits but I'd have to put my son into nursery full time and this would mean we would be financially worse off. My son's nursery fees alone would come to almost my monthly wage so I'd be working for nothing. Until my son goes to school it wouldn't be economically viable to take on full time work. Right now we're in the best possible financial position and even though our income is topped up with other benefits, we are still able to maintain the same standard of living that we had when I was working.

It seems to be more of a case that the more ES she gets the more she demands yet it's increasingly difficult to keep giving it to her when she doesn't seem to appreciate anything. He attitude comes across as being spoilt and ungrateful and never appears to be happy no matter how much I try my best.

Sexually I am fully aware that her needs are not being met but she knows I have a problem in that department which may be worsened by stress and constant arguing and mental and physical exhaustion. It's very difficult to feel close to someone who's constantly showing you no respect and when all you do is argue and bicker. How can you feel sexually attracted to someone who constantly grinds you down?

The need for financial support means that *you* have to work and earn money. It is a EN for many women. They expect their partners to earn a living. ENs are not necessarily rational. Arguing that you are better off this way will not negate the EN. You still have to have a job to meet it.

You need to find out what her top ENs are and work to meet them. Don't make excuses why it isn't necessary. Don't be disrespectful, just work to meet the ENs.

Marty, instead of posting about specific situations, why not read the book we recommended and start using those concepts? Your posts are fraught with disrespectful judgments about her and I am sure this comes across to her. You are both committing numerous lovebusters that are wrecking your marriage.