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Joined: Mar 2014
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1 |
My husband and I recently partnered with one of my long time friends on a vacation home. Long story short my husband felt wronged by my friend and was angry with her. She also got angry with him. Throughout this feud I begged both of them to talk to each other and not drag me into it. Well they never would talk. I understand both points of view and felt both were at some fault. Do to the ongoing feud, I felt it best we discontinue using the same vacation place it was just too much drama for me. Still they would not talk. They had been acquaintances for some time as well, in fact my friend introduced us to each other.
Well my friend made a comment to me that I thought implied she didn't think my marriage would last, and that my husband was trying to drive a wedge in our friendship. I thought maybe she was just jealous of my relationship with my husband and she no longer had my time. I confronted her, stood up for my marriage and made it clear that my family was first. I also made it clear my husband was not trying to drive me away from her and we would always be friends I would always be there for her.
I told my husband of the conversation as it was very upsetting to me. Well that was it for him I guess. A month or so later he became so enraged that I had spoken to her. I was really a little scared for a minute. He wasn't abusive or anything, but clearly very angry. So he insisted that I should no longer speak to her. That didn't sit we'll with me as we have been friends for well over ten yrs. Side note, I work a part time job with this friend about 12 hrs a month four or five months of the yr. Now a few weeks later I go to work this part time job and he is furious because he knows she is there. So now I should quit this job as well.
I'm okay with spending less time with my friend, but not abandoning her. I'm not so okay with quitting this job, not because of the money, but because I enjoy the work.
Am I being selfish? Not looking out for my husbands feelings? He is telling me that she is more important to me than he is. He thinks she is trying to split us up. I try so hard to reassure him that is not true. And he needs to trust me. I'm afraid if I walk away from my friend and job I will resent him for it, we'll I know I will but for how long and how much damage will that do.
If I should walk away from it all, now what do I say? Sorry, my husband won't let us be friends or work together anymore...
Last edited by Toughgal; 03/05/14 11:27 PM.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Am I being selfish? Not looking out for my husbands feelings? He is telling me that she is more important to me than he is. He thinks she is trying to split us up. I try so hard to reassure him that is not true. And he needs to trust me. I'm afraid if I walk away from my friend and job I will resent him for it, we'll I know I will but for how long and how much damage will that do. The real danger is the resentment you are creating in HIM by hanging onto this friendship even though you know it makes him unhappy. This is not a one time problem but an approach to marriage that will eventually wreck your marriage. Anything that comes before your husband's feelings will eventually come between you. And that is what is happening here. You are creating what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, would call "Type A resentment" and that is the hardest to overcome: Effective Marriage Counseling pg 112 - 113
What about Resentment?
One of the most common objections to the POJA is that it creates
resentment when it�s followed. I agree; it does usually create some
resentment. But far more resentment is created when it is not followed.
An illustration will help make this important point.
George is invited to watch football with his friend Sam. He tells
his wife, Sue, that he plans to accept the invitation. Sue objects.
If George goes ahead and watches the game, he�s guilty of independent
behavior. He is not following the POJA, and Sue will be resentful.
When George does something against the wishes of Sue, I call
her resentment type A.
If George follows the POJA and doesn�t accept Sam�s invitation,
George will be resentful. When George is prevented from doing something
because of Sue�s objections, I call his resentment type B.
Which type of resentment makes the largest Love Bank withdrawals:
type A or type B? The answer is type A, and that�s why the POJA
helps build Love Bank balances. I�ll explain.
When George violates the POJA, Sue has no choice but to feel
the effect of the thoughtless decision (Love Bank withdrawals) for
as long as memory persists�possibly for life whenever the event is
recalled. But when George follows the POJA, the negative effect is
limited in time. It lasts only as long as it takes to discover an enjoyable
alternative that is acceptable to Sue.
George lets Sue know how disappointed he is with her objection
but is willing to discuss other options. Sue wasn�t invited to watch
football and doesn�t want to invite herself to Sam�s house, so she
suggests inviting Sam and his wife to their house to watch football.
George calls Sam, he and his wife accept, and the new activity puts
an end to George�s type B resentment.
Type A resentment can last forever, but type B resentment stops
the moment a mutually enjoyable alternative is discovered. Those
with poor negotiating skills may have trouble seeing the difference
because they have not learned how to resolve conflicts. They may
feel resentment about a host of issues that have been unresolved in
their marriage. But after you teach a couple to negotiate successfully,
unresolved issues are minimized. Then it becomes clear to
them that the POJA helps build Love Bank balances by eliminating
type A resentment.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
The POJA is the policy of joint agreement which means never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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