Hi,
My husband and I have purchased the full online seminar/audio home study program. We watched the full video seminar course, we completed the love buster and emotional needs inventory. We then worked on the Marital Problem Analysis. Dr Harley wants the 15 hours per week of undivided attention to be used to meet the four needs of sexual,conversational, recreational fulfillment and affection. My husband is now severely distressed.

He feels rejected since his top 3 needs are sexual fulfillment, affection, and conversation which require me to be with him,and my top 3 emotional needs are family commitment, financial support, and conversation 2 of which DON"T require us to be together. He is questioning what we do then for the 15 hours.

I assume, based on everything we've read so far, that this should not be a problem if we jointly commit to those 15 hours meeting needs that DO require us to be together, as long as those important needs that do NOT require us to be together are being meet during different time.

He feels severely despondent and stated that this is why he feels chronically rejected, because his need for my presence is higher than my need for his presence. So even when I am fulfilling his needs, he considers my not needing to be with him so much a love buster of 'rejection'.

Do we need to structure our 15 hours differently because of this?

I'd greatly appreciate feedback - since I don't know how to move forward in the program till this is addressed.

Thank you very much-

During your UA time you should both focus on the four intimate needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, and recreational companionship.

Try to think of what kind of things you did together when dating.

Welcome to MB.

Your interpretation of the 15 hours is correct. They should be used to meet the four intimate emotional needs. Family commitment should be met by your husband outside those times.

Dr Harley writes that 15 hours' FC should be met if a couple has children. He does not specify that FC should only be met if it is listed as a top emotional need. He describes the importance of spending time with, and guiding, our children. It is important to their wellbeing.

You could, of course spend time with your H when he is fulfilling FC time. This simply requires that you spend the time together as a family; going to church, taking them on trips, playing with the kids or coaching them in sports, watching TV with them, helping them with studies, eating together etc.

Is there a specific problem in your marriage that led you to the MB programme? it sounds as if you and your H might have become detached from each other, since, as your H recognises, two of your current top ENs are not "intimate". When you were dating your H, what made you fall in love with him? Was his future ability to support you financially a big factor? Was affection a factor at all? (Weren't you affectionate when you were dating? What was it about him that made you swoon?)

Would you describe yourself as being in love with him today?

Needs just "are"; they shouldn't be judged. You should ask your coach to talk to your H about accepting your emotional honesty. It might be hard for him not to feel rejected, but he needs to learn not to express despondency when you tell him your feelings. At some point you will need to make complaints about the marriage and talk about love busters. He needs to lean to hear what you are saying and accept your feelings without becoming upset or criticising you.

Don't try to tell your H these things yourself; it will come across as lecturing him and telling him how he should feel, which is a big love buster. Let your coach address him on his reactions.

The beauty of the MB programme is that if you make the 15 hours UA time the very best time of your week, and fill the hours doing things that you both find enjoyable, your H will reap the benefits when you feel in love and attached to him. If you make this time enjoyable, very quickly you will come to look forward to it, and thus to being alone with your H.

In other words, you might not feel that you need to spend a lot of time alone with him now, but once you start doing it, you will come to feel that. He needs to see the lack of intimacy in your top needs as something that can be addressed and overcome, not as something to become disheartened about.

Would you describe yourself as passionately in love with him? The same as you used to be?

One thing that happens to a couple who aren't spending much time together is that they become detached. Once you become detached, you stop valuing the intimate needs (affection, conversation, SF, and recreation) and start to prioritise the non intimate needs like domestic support, parenting and paying the bills.

When you're not really passionately in love, you can go without intimacy but you don't want to give up the structure your family needs - make sense?

I doubt you fell in love with him during your dating days because of his parenting and bill paying abilities. What would you say were your top needs back then? I wonder how well he meets your need for IC these days. It typically takes quite a lot of time to meet the need for conversation.

Women need more time than men do, so they either complain first or become detached first. What might have happened is he has noticed you have become detached (and some people are content as they drift into detachment) and needing less of his time. He has gotten scared and this has seen him research the problem as you start to consider him more of a dad and a provider than a lover.

"He feels severely despondent and stated that this is why he feels chronically rejected, because his need for my presence is higher than my need for his presence. So even when I am fulfilling his needs, he considers my not needing to be with him so much a love buster of 'rejection'."

That is pretty normal in the beginning but it will change as you begin to spend more time with each other and grow closer. You grew detached and this exercise will help you grow so close that you will look forward to your time with excitement. It will become the best time of your day.

Your husband should feel very hopeful, because a plan is in place to change your feelings for him. Your feelings will start changing in a few weeks.

Thanks for responding. I agree with the 4 intimate needs being met during the 15 hours and I don't think this will be a problem for us - we have been doing this.

I am thinking his reaction is linked to his need for affection outside the 15 hours - which is something I have to work on.

Thank you for taking the time to respond!
Yes, we have become detached and we are re approaching. The detachment has affected his family commitment which is part of why I have such a need to compensate. He wasn't always this way. When our youngest is grown in 2 more years my need in this area will change.
I didn't marry him for his future financial support, in fact neither of us had jobs when we first married, and then I worked to help put him through school. It has become important for practical reasons.
I do have less need for affection and always have, which made me able to be giving of affection for so long. But according to the Marriage Builders paradigm, I think my 'Taker' is just tired and making me want to withdraw. I think this can be worked on and that is part of why we got this program, but I don't know how help my husband overcome his despondency over the simple fact that we have different needs.

Fh, I am unclear about what is causing him to be despondent. Every couple has different needs. What has happened to your marriage is that you have grown apart and fallen out of love. That is why you cite non-intimate emotional needs as your top needs. That will change once you fall in love again.

Your husband has great reason to be extremely hopeful because you are now developing habits that will restore the romantic love to your marriage. PLease invite him to come here so we can help him understand this.

Emotional needs like family commitment and financial support don't create romantic love. They ar minor needs and won't be the main focus of your program. We will help you both focus on the intimate emotional needs so the love is restored to your marriage.

Thanks for taking the time to respond!
He says he is not mad that my needs are different, just that he is now despondant and anxious since he sees how different.
one of the reasons we have gotten to this place is my fear of saying anything about my real feelings and needs because he has such severe depressive or angry reactions. I really don't think he can handle my honesty and this seems like one more proof. He has even said under the honesty section that he doesn't mind when I hide my feelings to 'protect' him.
I do NOT feel despondant despite the problems because i think this program - which HE initially picked and wanted to do -really can help and work. But I don't know how to position myself to help him with his feelings. They are preventing us from moving forward.

I agree with you, and your suggestion to write on the forum is great. I DO think my needs will change and that they currently reflect where we have grown apart. He feels that needs are constant, his needs have been constant, so if I don't have them now, I won't have them in the future, and maybe I never had them.

If he is having angry outbursts and depression, those are 2 areas that need to be addressed and resolved immediately. First off, you can't ever solve problems if he is getting angry. And if he is depressed it will be very hard to meet his needs.

What is the cause of his depression? And can you describe his angry outbursts? How often? What happens?

Thanks for your response-

The truth is that when someone withdraws, they have no interest in the intimate emotional needs because they don't want those needs met. So yes, they will change.

But, they won't change if he has angry outbursts. You won't want to be even be around such a person, much less allow him to meet your needs!

My husband used to have angry outbursts and I would make him take me home immediately! Date over!!

I appreciate you taking the time to write-
yes, I do think my current needs reflect my withdrawing and that is part of what we have seen and want to overcome. I think it can happen. He has said that I meet all his intimate emotional needs during the 15 hours (I think so too) and we both share conversation as an important intimate need, so that is a a good thing. I don't know how to communicate that to him in a way that makes him 'feel' more encouraged.

Great reference, thank you! - the way it was written makes sense to me - even though I may not have the same intensity of the intimate needs right now, they are still needs and they must be met during the time of Undivided attention together. Maybe if my husband sees that just because my needs are not in the same order as is but that they are in fact needs I have- he won't feel so depsondant.

Fh, and if he does a good job of meeting your needs and being very pleasant, the order of your needs will change. But he can't afford ANY outbursts or unpleasant behavior. Do you think he knows this?

he knows this but he says he can't help that he has feelings.