I thought you were in the UK for some reason? Whereabouts are you?

Also at teh start of your thread last year you said your FiL served you with divorce papers? What happened with that?

Are you sure divorce papers can be filed without your knowledge? That seems most strange to me. And is it the first stage or final stage that is set for in four weeks?

What grounds did he file under and did you accept or challenge them?

See, if he says the marriage should be dissolved for your adultery, you can easily just rebound back with the fact he forgave you and marital relations continued. He can't file for reasons of his own adultery.

What did your lawyer say?

Rocksolid,

I think you should proceed with the divorce and GET AN ATTORNEY.
You NEED to have an attorney in this matter.
Remain in Plan B.

Hi Indie I am in Australia. Yes my FIL served me with divorce papers last year. When this happenned my H did it as a joint application, meaning I had to sign it too. I didn't do this so they didn't get sent and nothing happenned.

The ones he did a couple of months ago, he did it as a sole application, meaning I didn't have to sign it. In Australia, you don't need a reason for divorce, it is a no-fault country. You only have to be separated for 12 months and if one person wants the divorce they basically get it even if the other person doesn't want it.

So he's done the sole application, and it came back from the court setting 4 weeks now as the hearing date. My WH needs to go to court on this day because he was the one who filed. He needs to go because we have a child under 18 together and the judge needs to be satisfied that our child is properly looked after. I don't need to go to the court but I can if I wish to.

I've spoken to my lawyer about it and she said if I don't go to court, the judge will ask my WH for proof that I was served the papers. My WH does not have proof as the papers were just pushed under my front door.

Apparently because he doesn't proof of service, the divorce MAY get adjourned. She said it would only get adjourned for the minimum of 8 weeks and that it would go through eventually.

So my WH is very forgetful and I'm just wondering if he will even turn up to the court! If he doesn't I'm sure it will get adjourned in that case too. Though, I'm sure OW will know the date and make sure he doesn't forget.

So here you can get a divorce pretty easily as long as you are separated 12 months. There's no first and final stages, it's pretty much just a final stage

Hi Jedi

Yes I have a solicitor. She has sent him a letter requesting all his financial documents, bank details etc for our financial settlement. He now has to respond with all this information. Who knows how long that will take him to do.

She's pretty much told me I can't stop the divorce.

Thank you BrainHurts. I have started to listen I am up to the first caller Tammy. I'm a bit scared to hear what he has to say about my situation.

Ah yeah, Aussie divorce laws are even worse than ours.

I thought what he said about divorce ushering in reality would be very encouraging to you. Still listening myself right now.

Wow, what did you think? He gave you a timescale of a year and even said it turning into an affairage would speed up the demise?

I think you're going to be in a position to choose in a years time and your biggest problem will actually be his yes man attitude. You might not want a marriage with him unless he can PoJA properly and stand up to his family. If he gets to a real repentance point though you could address that.

Yes Indie he seems to go along with what everybody tells him to do. I hope I do get to that position in a year but it's so hard to see through each day.

I was a bit dissapointed that Joyce didn't seem to know my background when I had wrote in the email that they had been living together for 2 years already and that we have a child together. I really wanted to know that because they had been together so long, was it so entrenched now that it wouldn't survive.

A lot of the important information I had written in my email wasn't read out.

If he does get to that repentance point, his standing up to his family would be a big thing for me to take him back.

I did feel hopeful that Dr Harley said his chances of the affair not working were slim. But I do agree that him buying this house with her makes it difficult.

I remember you saying Indie that them buying a house together would kill them in months. Maybe this is the reality he needs.

They never do read out the emails in full, but they take it all into account when giving out the advice. They'd overrun on time if they did that.

The fact they've been together a long time - well most of that was triangular with you still in the picture. I think you can safely discount that. Dr H focused on the divorce date as being the start date for their destruction and you can sure see why he'd think so, given the dynamic.

She's running towards it like its the finish line in her competition with you, he is doing it to please her. When they hit that finish line it will be hugely anti climatic: she is going to look at him and think "what now?" Then he is going to look at her for his reward and she won't have any. If they marry, to keep the momentum going, it will be an even bigger anti climax.

I think all in all the close divorce date is great news and gives them lots of rope. We just need to keep you happy and thriving throughout it.



Good! The longer you are in Plan B the higher your bar will get.

Do you plan to go?


If you say you weren't served then why is your lawyer requesting financial documents? How would that be explained?

I wouldn't drag it out. Can't see any benefit in that after hearing Dr H's advice. To Tammy as well, he said if you're getting divorced speed it up rather than slow it down.

It's a fascinating Art of War move. Hand the enemy a victory which is actually their undoing.

Rocksolid,

Try to focus on yourself during this time and not on his affair.
Can you do one good deed for someone every day?
Can you do one good deed for yourself every day?

Focus on building a life without WH and if he eventually comes around then you will be in a healthy, sane state of mind to se things objectively.

You're welcome. What did you think?

Indie thank you. It makes a lot of sense to me in what you are saying. Especially the competition thing. All along OW has been competing with me. I have seen this so many times over the past couple of years. I do think that once the divorce is final, she will think that everything will be different for her and WH but I believe she will still be as unhappy as ever.

I was actually thinking last night about how high the bar will be for him to come back. And if he never comes back, whoever tries to win me will have a very high bar too.

When I was out with my girlfriends last night, I was observing other women on the dance floor and just couldn't believe all these women throwing themselves at random men who they didn't even know. And the men were so sleazy checking out all the women and ogling them so blatantly. I was thinking to myself that whoever gets me one day is going to have to be pretty damn special and respectful.

If my WH comes back he has a lot of making up to do. As do I of course. I do believe this experience has made me learn so much and I know I have all the tools I need to protect our marriage and our love and never have this type of thing happen ever again. It's just so frustrating knowing I have this knowledge but not being able to do anything with it. Hopefully one day.

I'm glad Dr Harley didn't say it was a completely lost cause. I like how Indie explained it to me.

I also found Dr Harley's advice to Tammy to be helpful to me as well. I like how I can take bits of others advice and relate that to my situation as well.

Thanks so much for the link BrainHurts.

Thanks Jedi. I like the idea of doing a good deed for someone every day. I'm looking into getting into aged care in the near future, having a complete different career change. I think a change of focus would be good for me and I've always wanted to help elderley people.

Have you read any new good books to your girls lately?

Hi black_raven

No I don't plan on going to the divorce hearing. I don't think this would be a good idea especially if WH is going to be there. This would hurt me extremely to see him there and I would get too emotional.

The divorce and financial settlement are 2 different matters. I'm mainly seeing my lawyer for the financial settlement but did ask advice on the divorce while I was there.

In Australia, you can do your financial settlement without having your divorce yet. In saying that, once you are divorced, you only have 12 months to do your financial settlement or it becomes harder to do or maybe impossible. So seeing I will be divorced soon, I need to get my financial settlement done as it may take a while.

So..thinking out loud about the divorce.

A couple of options.

1. My lawyer currently has the divorce papers. Do nothing as she suggests. WH turns up to court with no proof I've been served. Divorce may get adjourned for another 6 - 8 weeks. This pi$$es OW off that divorce didn't go through straightaway which causes her to lovebust him some more.

2. Get the divorce papers back off my lawyer. Sign the part where it says I acknowledge them and agree to divorce. Send back to WH. WH does not expect this at all as he will be fully expecting me to not want the divorce. So he either gets scared and thinks oh sh*t, I wasn't expecting that. Makes him stand up and take notice. OW thinks 'Yes rocksolid doesn't want him anymore, he's all mine now'. Or it just causes him to think 'Oh she doesn't want me after all, I might as well marry OW.

3. Combination of 1 and 2. Drag it out for another 8 weeks to pi$$ off OW. Then sign it on his second try around.

I don't know. Maybe I'm over thinking things.

What would be the most strategic option?

Hmm maybe I should hand the OW her victory. But should I just pi$$ her off some more before I do? Surely her doing some more lovebusting to WH would be good.