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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I know I'm not supposed to post on my W thread, but this is ridiculous. W is not sharing all the details.
She is leaving out the details that I have agreed to continue paying ALL the shared expenses (mortgage, car payment, preschool tuition, utilities, kids activities, etc) and split the rest in half for all the other items she will need to buy (like food and clothes). She will still get over $2000 as her half of the remaining budget. I also told her that my apartment rent would NOT come out of the shared expenses - it will come out of my ~$2000 portion.
I have zero intention of taking all the money and I created a plan that I think is fair to both. I do care about her and the kids lifestyle; and I don't need to live in a cardboard box to show this.
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Yes, my lease starts on 10/10 but I may need to change it since W disagrees with the type of apartment I signed (2BR) and I'm considering changed to a 1BR.
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One more time, Mtn Man, can you explain the scenario where you told your wife you needed to teach her a lesson? I'm trying to discern the appropriate comment (was it a lesson, was it a lesson + DJ, or a lesson + DJ + AO) so we can help you see the behavior that needs to change. I wanted to write in that I am not ignoring you and I will comment later. I can't write an extensive response from work and I'd like to provide some specific scenarios so you have all the information and can help me. Thanks.
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She is leaving out the details that I have agreed to continue paying ALL the shared expenses (mortgage, car payment, preschool tuition, utilities, kids activities, etc) and split the rest in half for all the other items she will need to buy (like food and clothes). She will still get over $2000 as her half of the remaining budget. I also told her that my apartment rent would NOT come out of the shared expenses - it will come out of my ~$2000 portion. I am not following you. How is she expected to pay for food and clothing if she does not have an income producing job? She is a SAHM. I have zero intention of taking all the money and I created a plan that I think is fair to both. Your idea of "fair" is not the ruling factor here. When couples separate like this, typically bills are paid as they were before. Your wife will need the same amount of money for food and clothing as she did before. A separation doesn't mean you stop supporting your family. And please keep this to your own thread. It is ok to respond, but please take it over there and I can help you work this out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I notified the mods and asked them to move these last few posts to MtnMns thread.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MM, please don't create a big fight now over separation. Just continue paying what you were paying, get a cheap apartment, and don't create MORE conflict. This is not a difficult step. You don't need a new budget. Just come up with the money to get a little 1 bedroom/flat that is comfortable. You aren't going to be hanging out at home with the kids anyway. Most fathers see the kids a couple of times a week and take them out to dinner, to the zoo, movies, etc. Kids don't want to go sit in a house, they want to do something.
But don't make this an ordeal. Don't pour gas on the flames when we are trying to help calm things down.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am not following you. How is she expected to pay for food and clothing if she does not have an income producing job? She is a SAHM.
[quote]
Your idea of "fair" is not the ruling factor here. When couples separate like this, typically bills are paid as they were before. Your wife will need the same amount of money for food and clothing as she did before. A separation doesn't mean you stop supporting your family.
And please keep this to your own thread. It is ok to respond, but please take it over there and I can help you work this out. I guess I wasn't that clear about what I meant by splitting the remaining portion. Out of my salary, there is a budget for all the things that I consider shared - like our mortgage, car payment, kids activities, preschool tuition, house utilities, and debts. After taking this amount out of the income, then there is a portion left over for the remaining budget. After shared expenses, the remaining budget is about $4000 total and I told her that we could split it 50/50. This is the budget for things like food, clothing and other incidental expenses. She has a $2000 budget and I have a $2000 budget. I plan to spend my budget on apartment rent, food, etc. I know she is a SAHM and works hard at her job taking care of the kids. I'm not trying to screw her in any way. Honestly, I'm not. Maybe I'm taking this too far, but we can't afford to live the same way we did before separation. We now have to maintain two households and I'm trying to ease the financial pain by developing a plan. Am I wrong for doing this?
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MM, please don't create a big fight now over separation. Just continue paying what you were paying, get a cheap apartment, and don't create MORE conflict. This is not a difficult step. You don't need a new budget. Just come up with the money to get a little 1 bedroom/flat that is comfortable. You aren't going to be hanging out at home with the kids anyway. Most fathers see the kids a couple of times a week and take them out to dinner, to the zoo, movies, etc. Kids don't want to go sit in a house, they want to do something.
But don't make this an ordeal. Don't pour gas on the flames when we are trying to help calm things down. OK. I'll stop and adjust.
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Wow, I just found out that W contact one of my siblings notifying her that we are separating. I just told my parents yesterday and think it should be me contacting my family. She has had very little interaction with my sister in the past and now she is emailing her without consulting me. She claims it is "[her] right to contact any one [she] wants". Am I crazy or is this not ok?
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[ Am I wrong for doing this? Absolutely. You are asking the WRONG PERSON. It is your wife you need to negotiate this with. I would strongly suggest you not make this transition worse by telling her what will happen like she is a child. You need to do whatever it takes to not aggravate the situation right now even if it means capitulating for the time being. You are facing a divorce if you don't get this turned around and then your budget will really be it the toilet. Don't add fuel to the fire.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wow, I just found out that W contact one of my siblings notifying her that we are separating. I just told my parents yesterday and think it should be me contacting my family. She has had very little interaction with my sister in the past and now she is emailing her without consulting me. She claims it is "[her] right to contact any one [she] wants". Am I crazy or is this not ok? Either one of you is free to tell anyone about the separation. Please...don't die on this hill. Don't die on the financial hill either. Don't fight. Get through this and start going the MB program with her. She signed you up in the online program and you guys can have the help of Dr Harley and a coach walking through this. He is brilliant at putting marriages back together.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[quote=MelodyLane] I am not following you. How is she expected to pay for food and clothing if she does not have an income producing job? She is a SAHM. Your idea of "fair" is not the ruling factor here. When couples separate like this, typically bills are paid as they were before. Your wife will need the same amount of money for food and clothing as she did before. A separation doesn't mean you stop supporting your family.
And please keep this to your own thread. It is ok to respond, but please take it over there and I can help you work this out. I guess I wasn't that clear about what I meant by splitting the remaining portion. Out of my salary, there is a budget for all the things that I consider shared - like our mortgage, car payment, kids activities, preschool tuition, house utilities, and debts. After taking this amount out of the income, then there is a portion left over for the remaining budget. After shared expenses, the remaining budget is about $4000 total and I told her that we could split it 50/50. This is the budget for things like food, clothing and other incidental expenses. She has a $2000 budget and I have a $2000 budget. I plan to spend my budget on apartment rent, food, etc. I know she is a SAHM and works hard at her job taking care of the kids. I'm not trying to screw her in any way. Honestly, I'm not. Maybe I'm taking this too far, but we can't afford to live the same way we did before separation. We now have to maintain two households and I'm trying to ease the financial pain by developing a plan. Am I wrong for doing this? So the solution is to start changing the way you act IMMEDIATELY so that your wife will start feeling SAFE around you as soon as possible so that you don't have to be separated long term.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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MtnMan, do you own a GSR meter as described in this article: How to negotiate when you are an emotional person
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You need to click the "Q&A columns" link at the top of the Marriage Builders site, then click How to Overcome Love Busters, then read every single one of the 23 articles linked in that section. Especially this one. Read this first: Abusive Marriage #2
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Do you listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show daily? You cannot afford to pass up this free hour of help each day.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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She claims it is "[her] right to contact any one [she] wants". Am I crazy or is this not ok? That's kind of a false dichotomy isn't it? You're not crazy, but you are mistaken. When you abuse your wife, she gets the right to get pretty much whatever support she needs. If you don't like that arrangement, stop abusing your wife. Take it from me, a former abuser who was separated from his wife several weeks in 2012 and now has a wonderful marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Am I crazy or is this not ok? One recommendation I have for angry, disrespectful husbands is to avoid hyperbole. Don't exaggerate. If you are bothered by something your wife wants to do, it simply bothers you. That's a simple, unemotional piece of information. That doesn't mean that what she is doing is "wrong" or "not ok." And if someone thinks that what she is doing is "okay," that does not mean that you are "crazy." Those are all exaggerations. When you exaggerate like that about somebody else's feelings, you are being disrespectful. When you exaggerate like that about your own feelings, you are being a drama queen. Most angry guys don't feel very flattered to think of themselves as drama queens, but it's the truth - that's what we are! Don't be a drama queen!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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MtnMan, don't waste any time trying to plan the separation - start trying to figure out how you can finally succeed at reconciliation.
I'd like to hear from you as soon as possible that you:
* Have a GSR meter or have ordered one
* Have read the links I have posted, or you are reading them
* Have started listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show EVERY SINGLE DAY.
* Are starting the process of working through the Marriage Builders coaching program
If we saw things like this from you, I would regard it as promising. If we see responses that ignore these suggestions or give excuses as to why you can't do them or can't do them now, it would be very disheartening and probably mean you don't have a very great chance of reclaiming your marriage.
Successful marital recoveries from the situation you are in require a man who puts forth extraordinary energy to get educated and change his behavior.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Am I wrong for doing this? It's time to quit judging everything you or somebody else does as "right" or "wrong"! That's the very foundation of disrespectful judgment. If you want to learn to stop abusing your wife, you will need to get rid of: * selfish demands and entitlement * disrespectful judgments * angry outbursts
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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