I don't get your confusion. You seem to have this all mixed up.

Go READ the material and then come back.

So he shows up hat in hand and ready to follow the Marriage Builders plans for recovery ...

He and his wife move back in together. He sends a letter of no contact to his skank, changes jobs, he and his betrayed wife move and leave no forwarding address, he changes all of his contact information and there's no way skanky can get ahold of him short of hiring a private investigator.

He puts at least fifteen hours of time into his schedule each week for his wife. Probably more like 20, 25, or 30, for now.

For awhile, he still misses the skank. He feels depressed about that. It's hard to have fun, because he's depressed. BUT HE KEEPS HIS PIEHOLE SHUT ABOUT IT. He doesn't moan to his wife how sad he is that he had to give up skank, and he doesn't attempt to contact skank. He and his wife work together 15-30 hours each week to try to do something fun together.

Eventually, his depression is gone and he and his wife have built a very happy lifestyle together. They have a lot of fun alone together each week, and they all live happily ever after.

Alternatively, if he makes too much noise to his wife about how he misses the skank, if he dumps all this on her (his betrayed wife), she is probably going to feel less and less motivated to try to recover with this guy. She's probably going to tell him to knock it off. And if he doesn't, if he keeps going on and on about missing the skank (the most painful memory his wife has ever had), if he uses that to try to pressure changes in the rules, if he cuts corners, etc., then eventually wife is not going to want to be with him any more.

The key is that feelings do not have to dictate behavior.

Sometimes I think something disrespectful about my wife - when I think that, I don't say it!!!

In the same way, if a husband is pining for the skank, the solution is not for him to whine to his wife about it. The solution is for him to build a happy life with his wife, that makes him happy, so that that happiness overrides his disappointment at losing the skank.

If he's not willing to do this, then they can't recover, and she should go back to Plan B.

1. BW finds out about WH's affair
2. BW exposes the affair, which is the start of Plan A
3. BW lets WH know the conditions for recovery (there should be no confusion on what steps need to be taken).
4. BW continues Plan A up to 4 weeks. This may be shorter, but definitely no longer.
5. If WH hasn't met conditions for recovery (no contact, EPs, etc), BW goes to Plan B to protect herself
6. BW only takes WH back if he can show he has met the conditions for recovery and returns "hat in hand."

Frequently he won't be ready to recover until after his wife has been in Plan B for months. The key is to realize that it's not the wife making him feel ready to recover. If he doesn't feel like that after 3 weeks of Plan A, then months more of Plan A won't make any difference. He likely won't feel that way until the affair turns sour or something else wakes him up and causes him to decide to undergo cranial rectal extraction.

Plan A is successful if you presented your best self and promised to meet his future needs. If you did not lovebust. If you stood up to his affair like a rock star, exposing it unapologetically and showing you cared too much to allow it.

That's Plan A. Plan A only dictates your behaviour.

I don't know why you are talking about a wayward's reaction to Plan A - because they are not part of the plan! They are in an active affair and not much more use than a chocolate teapot.

Unless they catch on very quickly, the BS must go to Plan B lest she throttle him while he sleeps. That's how aggravating a spouse is while in an affair or still attached to the idea of an affair.

You should Plan B until he becomes remorseful and has a plan for recovery. When his affair hits the skids in Plan B he may remember your Plan A.

That is the purpose of it. Not to effect a magical instant change.

Sometimes exposure does that but your Plan Aing will probably not be appreciated until the A is over.

Ditto.

wenang, a WH MUST be willing to suck it up and not whine about missing his skank. It seems like you think a WH should be allowed to whine and mope around his BW. Any BW who allows a WH to constantly whine and complain about missing his skank isn't following the program. "Hat in Hand" requires effort from a WH. Recovery has no room for laziness and the WH should be out if that is the case.

I guess I did the right thing....for the most part. My WH said he would have NO CONTACT...to a point, but would see the OW at times. He said he would go to a marriage therapist. When I discovered WH was still in contact and lying to the therapist, my
WH said he decided he may not want to be married anymore and wanted to put a "pause" on the marriage. That's when I had enough and went to Plan B. I felt I didn't know what else to do. I held my head high, kissed him goodbye and told him to enjoy his single life without me. I moved thousands of miles away to be near my kids. I thought he would come after me and eventually miss me. But, unfortunately that never happened. My kids and I, along with all our family and friends, are still in shock after a year. We always got along and had a great marriage, but I guess it wasn't good enough for him when he turned 60. He wanted something I couldn't give him....passion, new and exciting relationship, telling him how fantastic he is. I didn't know he needed all this and he always held me on a pedestal, telling everyone (including me) how wonderful I was and perfect for him. I don't know what happened but I'm still in shock!

No, You COULD HAVE given him those things. Many couples here in their 60s have developed deep, romantic, passionate marriages after going through the program. He didn't HAVE to look for those things elsewhere. He CHOSE to. HE chose to, and it's not because you couldn't give him passion and excitement and newness.

Wenang,

You'd learn a lot more about MB if you started listening to the radio show every day. The Harleys cover lots and lots of situations.

You can listen on a smart phone, iPad, or computer. It's a great education in MB principles. Link to radio show

You can also purchase a one-year access to the entire library of archived radio shows. The best $50 we have spent!

You mean, you wouldn't give him those things.

of course I would have done anything for him. He was the love of my life for over 40 years. I would have climbed mountains for him.We were busy with our business and busy with our day to day lives. He always told me how lucky he was to have married me...how much he loved me. Why would I think there was a problem? He never complained, not once. He always said he was so happy with me. But....by the time I understood what was going on and realized the bond he formed with the OW, it was too late. He was in love with someone else.

Melody: I've read all the books and there is one thing I still don't understand. Hopefully you can explain it to me so I can put this to rest in my head. I was doing plan A correctly, and my husband stopped contact with the skank. He went through withdrawal and, because of the withdrawal, he couldn't even touch me or hold my hand. He was probably angry at me for breaking it up and he didn't like the idea of never seeing the OW again. So, he was giving marriage recovery a shot, even though it wasn't done enthusiastically. Does Dr. Harley feel I should have continued in plan A if possible even though all this was going on? How many WH and BS actually can stomach this ?

You should have been in plan RECOVERY. Plan A is for when the affair is still active. If he refused to engage in recovery, then Dr Harley would recommend separation and Plan B. Of course, it is expected that the WS will be depressed and down after an affair, but they should be willing to go through the motions.

Thanks for the explanation. I still don't see how the BS can stomach watching her husband mourn over another woman. For me, having him just go through the motions...knowing he is thinking of her and not me, wishing he was with her, and sad to be with me...well that is something I couldn't handle. How can anyone live with that and go through the motions? That was torturous and demeaning and demoralizing for me. Melody: it's not what he said, it's the way his eyes were dead for me. Hard to explain, but I can't imagine how anyone goes through that for very long. I'm sure it's possible, but I couldn't stomach it.

Wenang, the way I remember plan A explained to me is to be the best wife you can be and avoid any Lovebusters. No anger, no name calling, no disrespect (even though what you want to do is exactly that!). If you could look back on the last 3 weeks (prior to d-day, discovering MB, etc) and you considered yourself a good wife and did none of those things, then your Plan A was already done. Some women think they could have done better and will do so for another 3 weeks. But it is emotionally and physically exhausting and Dr. Harley does not recommend more than 3 weeks for women. Who could stomach that??

Recovery should not be attempted with a WH unless he comes crawling back, hat in hand, willing to do whatever it takes and proves it by his actions. If he isn't, then he should be shown the door and Plan B should immediately commence.

You are the prize and if a WH isn't realizing that and he is acting like he is doing you a favor by blessing you with presence, then he is not ready for recovery.

I hope that helped you some.

I remember a poster by the name of Neak writing about her FWH's withdrawal. Perhaps you can find some of her threads. Her story was very helpful to me and others.

I was a very good wife. I'm not the type to argue, or be critical. I remember thinking I can beat this. I remember trying to be sweet and understanding. I kept my composure. Mind you...I was in shock too. After I realized I couldn't stomach it anymore (watching him in mourning), I moved away. I thought he'd come after me but, instead, he filed for divorce. I'm still waiting for him to come out of the fog. It's been one year of no contact. If the legal system was like the olden days, where the cheater would lose everything, I'm 100% sure my husband would have tried to save our marriage. The legal system today makes it too easy to divorce. It's very sad.

Then stop waiting and start living.

I'll try, but...after being with HIM for over 40 years...it's not easy to just start over at 60 years old. I know I have to, and I will...but it sucks having to go through all this at my age.