After 40 something years of being single with no prospects I met a man who was charming, fun, treated me well enough-

we married after dating over a year. He's divorced after 20 something years. 4 kids and the ex live in his house (as part of the settlement) 2 just over 18 and the other 2 highschool age. He just retired from local politics, owns his own business/real estate.

I am retired military, own my own humble home.

The prenup he gave me just before walking into the justice of the peace says I'm disinherited, I financially support myself, etc. I could tell he was concerned about what his ex wife had done so I wanted to PROVE I was marrying him for love, not money.

I moved in with him- another house (not the one his kids and ex live in....they are just a few miles down the road) and begin to play house- always wanted to marry- the farytail, etc! I decorate, cook, clean, and serve!

I provide health insurance for the kids and college money up to 48,000 each kid.

A year later we purchase the house from the 'family business' and he drives me to closing to sign away my marital rights.

Then it begins.... I fall into a deep depression (I had suffered from depression for 20 years but not like this) over the next months it gets bad, he leaves me. ... but comes back.

And nothing has been the same since.

When I look at him I see the man I fell in love with; however, I am not his 'wife' ... not really. He had a heart attack last year and you know what.... if he had another one and passed away- I could not even pick out his clothes or arrange a funeral ... you know why! because a 'body' becomes part of the 'estate' and guess what!!! I signed away my rights in the prenup.... I have no rights as a wife.
He is older than me....so if something does happen to him and he does pass away, I have to move out of HIS house because it goes to his kids! So I packed up my stuff and moved it back to my house. I have a few clothes and stuff here, but the bulk is back at my house. He won't even do a document/contract with me to allow me to live here until I pass away.

So for the past year as I've been learning more and more what I've signed away...I've become sadder and sadder, more depressed.

But recently I've gotten a grip and realized.... it's okay...
he's a good companion, travel buddy, etc.

But deep down inside I want more. I want a husband to love me, to want me, to build a life with me. And it's clear my husband doesn't want that with me.
No life insurance for me, no joint account with me... no 'joint' anything with me.

EVERYTHING is seperate.

I'm not asking should I divorce him.

But rather, how to cope. How to live with someone who doesn't love you the way you love them. How to live without physical intimacy, etc.

A long time ago marriages were arranged- so this 'romantic/love' thing we have today is really new. So please don't judge me. My husband is 50 and in poor health- heart attack last year and way over weight and all that comes with that. I am 45 and in great health/trim... just depressed. So I have alot of life and living to do.

You're basically a girlfriend with a piece of paper. You will never have the life that you want with him, which he made pretty clear at the start of the relationship.

I will not tell you to divorce. However I would ask you what benefits you are getting out of this marriage. Make a list of pros & cons. Be very honest. It may surprise you, if nothing else your eyes will be opened as to why you are staying.

I have a feeling your resentment will only grow. I would stop contributing to his kids' college fund. You are not their mother. If the two of you made that decision jointly, that is one thing, but I cannot see a grown woman putting HER income into the H's kids and getting nothing financially back from him.

Not having life insurance for you? That's just cruel. How are you supposed to pay for funeral expenses? If he's wary, perhaps suggest keeping enough cash on hand to cover the unexpected (for both of you.)

It really seems that this is benefitting him heavily and you very little. This is a recipe for disaster, and there's no way to "get over" being a second class citizen in your marriage. Protecting prior assets is one thing, and I can understand why he would want his home to go to his kids (and you have your own residence so it's not that much of an issue.) But no joint retirement, anything?

I see a person who is in a very bad marriage who is desperately trying to convince herself it is not that bad. But, it is that bad and you won't be able to talk yourself off the cliff forever, you will just get more and more depressed as time goes on. Depression in women is almost always caused by their marriages. I don't see that situation getting any better for you.

If I were in your shoes, I would get divorced instead of staying in a bad marriage where you will get more and more unhappy as the years go by. If you got divorced, you could find someone who does love you and who would create a happy marriage with you. If you are stuck in this bad, dead end marriage, you cant find someone who would truly make you happy.

Don't damn yourself to a life that consists of endless justifying and rationalizing just to tolerate a bad situation. That is no way to live.

Dr H was speaking recently about how women do very well on their own. Much more so than men who die young when unmarried. Given that, it is just crazy to put up with a marriage which causes depression!

Being single and free from care is something you shouldn't give up unless it's for something amazing. You thought you had it but it was very deceptive of him to ambush you with a document at the eleventh hour. This guy doesn't care for you, or plan to care for you - he sees you as the enemy.

Being single also frees you up for someone who believes in marriage. You are committed, caring - a catch. Why waste time in a dreary life sentence instead?

A couple of weeks without contact with him you'll feel much better and all your old independence will return. Of course it will be hard initially, but I'm sure an ex military woman has the determination to do right by herself.

Plus you never know. It may give him the motivation to step up if you draw that line in the sand. If it doesn't, you won't have lost anything anyway.

Here at MB, commitment isn't a commitment to stay together no matter how you're treated. Nor do marriage vows ask that.

Only a crazy person would agree to commit to abuse!

No true commitment is to the ideals of care and unity. True commitment stands up to evil, to fear, to disrespect and to abuse. Commitment involves saying 'I don't allow this'.

Thank you for your thought, time, and consideration. I realize my post was waaaayyyyy long.

To clear up- the 48,000 each kid and medical/dental insurance doesn't come out of my pocket- costs me nothing as it is a 'benefit' the military provides.

And yep, I even went through electroconvulsive therapy a few months and it was a few weeks ago I realized it was the marriage saddness- not 'depression' that was the problem. I can't believe I put myself through this.

Folks (family/community, etc) look to me as a rock as I volunteer, serve in several capacities in the community, do so much- help so many people.

I've just gotten myself into a mess.

So thank you!

I will work on buildling courage. (why was Desert Storm easier than this?)

Jane, I realize it is very tough, but courage is a conscious choice. It is not something that just happens to you. It is a choice that you can make today. While it seems scary to make the choice to walk away, the sooner you take action, the sooner you will be happy. It is much like getting a root canal. It hurts at first but afterwards, you have a pain free life. BUT, the longer you allow this go on, the harder it will be to recover.

You have 2 roads before you: a) short term pain and long term pain or b) short term pain and long term gain.

Which will you choose?

You're welcome!

Psssst 'work on' is code for 'agonize over it instead of getting it done'

x 2

And if you don't want to provide medical coverage for his children, then stop. It is silly that you accommodate your H while he does zero for you. If he is required to provide medical for his children, that's on him.

What had his ex-wife done?

Divorced a man unable to make team-decisions but still expected a roof over the kids' heads and her own would be my guess.

The very nerve!

[quote=indiegirl

You're welcome!

Psssst 'work on' is code for 'agonize over it instead of getting it done'

[/quote]

"work on"

look at the situation
devise a plan for efficiency, minimize pain- if possible, etc
impliment the plan

but have Plan B as well

Victory will be mine!

Why a 'plan' and why don't I just come out and say it and kick him to the curb????
Well, the heart attack last year.... but just last night he was taken to the ER after passing out.
Luckily his numbers were good and the doctor is sending him to neurology- so it's not his heart!

But I'm not one to do something like ask for a divorce while a spouse is in the ER or just got out the day before..... no, I'm keeping constant prayer, being kind, but focusing on MYSELF- my interests, my happiness, my health.... the divorce will come in due time. I'm getting prepared.