You need to keep looking! Sometimes it takes 30 dates to find the right guy.

Ok, so what do I do now? Do I tell him- we breaking up, do I tell him nothing, do I start going on the dates? What if he calls 5 days later? Do I answer the phone? Do I ignore him? What if he does not call? I feel very distracted- I can not focus on work or anything I would normally be doing.

Give your brain time to process this. It has to remap your world to take in the new version of reality. Your apparent lack of focus is because your brain is working very hard. Suddenly you will realise that your mind has cleared and your energy is back. Wait till then before you think about dates. In the meantime, tuck into some MB literature so that you have a clearer idea of what makes a good relationship.

Going no contact is a critical part of your healing. What about writing him a physical letter telling him that you do not wish to hear from him again? No need for a long winded explanation.

It's not a committed relationship. It's just a long-term dead end relationship. You can say, I had lots of short term dead end relationships and this was my first long term dead end relationship.

That industry is well known for cheating, drugs and booze. A terrible occupation to try to find a good mate from.

Thank you for all replies. He is still not calling. Wow- he has a nerve! I kind of want him to call and make it go away. What if he does not want to date me? I am perfect! ...Seriously... There is a way to have good relationships in entertainment industry IF individual makes an effort to have relationships. Making his girlfriend/wife a priority, showing up together in all circles, avoid doing exactly stuff he is doing, such as going to the parties without his significant other, and be supportive and available at all times is all it takes. I do not ask much. I was even overlooking the fact that my social life went down to nothing because he is busy every Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings with the shows he working. But doing the stupid stuff he did and act in the matter he did this year is ridiculous, in the contest of other issues he makes me to deal with. I don't want to start all over- I just like him to behave properly. It is not that hard.

I can not read MB site stuff. I did at some other point in my life. All this talk about happy married people makes me depressed. I think the expectations are set too high. Women read this utopia and think they have to get this out of their husbands, otherwise they will fail the marriage. It puts too much pressure on women (and some time on men if they are weird enough to read all this girly self-help stuff). I believe couple should stay committed because of STDs and HIV/AIDS. I am not going to cry because my man had a drink with another girl or two. I can have a drink with another guy any time. Women suffer trying to keep this utopic "perfect marriage" model created by the society and church to keep social order. Nobody should be forced to have "perfect picture" marriage- this is why people break up- because they can not support the utopia. People need space and company of other people. If I want to have drinks with other guys- I have right to do this. Sorry- I live in the 21st century. Networking is important for career development. But it is a different story if I want to get in bed with these people after the meetings. Even worse- if I wanted to do it on the New Year eve.

Okay, well, I see you have the answers and are right. You are a single parent with a lying boyfriend who stopped calling you. You can keep your theory, thanks, I'll stick with my happy marriage in the days of yore

My parents had that utopian marriage. Still do. I always thought it was quaint that they would get cutely jealous. They are besotted (as am I with my cutie today after embracing this old world style)

I had a more modern marriage. My husband was free, as was I, to have emotional needs met elsewhere, just not sexual needs.

But love doesn't start with sex. It starts with private conversations and friendship.

So he had an affair with my best friend and it ripped my heart out. I would NEVER risk love for 'networking opportunities' now I've found it again and I'm doing incredibly well in my career. Most career s which expect women to hang out in bars solo would be liable for sexual discrimination suits anyway.

Change your number.

Alis, people live many different lifestyles. I am glad you found the harmony and conservative marriage works for you. There is no need to point out obvious things in such a tone. This is like tell a fat person that he/she is fat in their face. I know I am single mother, and I just shared that my boyfriend is not calling. There is no need to slap me with it. Not that I hurt by your comments- if I knew more about your happy utopia, I am sure I could find something to be sarcastic about.

Now there is interesting point from indiegirl. We were not talking about woman hanging out in the bars solo, also in show business this is a common place to network. But there is a difference. If I have lets say a script to discuss because I am doing music for it, and I have to meet with director at lunch or dinner to discuss it, and we happened to have a drink, this is not issue. Now if I go out with the man who happened to be director of some play and drink with him without specific business, then this would not be appropriate.

I like your point that love does not start with sex but starts with friendship and affection and shared fun and inspiration. Till last week we had all this. I find it hard to imagine that my boyfriend was planning to break up with me all this time and was saving it for later. I mean- he built nice support system. He did not have to look for emotional support- he had it already waiting. And none of these women thought that it may be wrong to offer their involvement when people try to figure out personal issues. But then again- what can I expect from 20 years olds?! I bet they were all advising him to break up with me because I treat him so poorly. And he, grown up man, sharing his personal business with these girls/boys, expecting meaningful advise on relationships from them?

I ordered Chinese food, and they had fortune cookies, so I thought- let's see what Chinese wisdom has to say on this matter. And this is what the cookie said:

"It's in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."

I would decide to stop having a low bar/expectations of relationships. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Much happier now I expect to be the priority. I wouldn't get up for less.




Surely you have discovered by now that men who suggest business accompany a social element have a reason for that which is SOCIAL and not business. They enjoy female company because the OS meets our needs better than our own gender.

I've often been pressured into accepting this as normal and it's only in my thirties that I've had the confidence to insist that business meetings remain just that. If a man really admires your work, and not you, he will be just fine with that.

Guess what, the same guys who offer this always end up being talked about. I for one would neither work for, nor hire, some loser who had no home or friends or dates to go see of an evening.

Really successful people have a well rounded life.

I'm truly concerned how much time you would spend in the company of second rate men with that philosophy.

Is it really sounds that bad? I will tell you- it sounds bad to me too. Please, explain me this: why is it that he posted bunch of pictures from the camping trip they took, and everybody clicked "Like" on Facebook, including his mother and his sister. They knew what he did. His sister is happily married- I am so tempted to send her message, asking where her husband spent New Year night and where he was on January first, and ask if she would "Like" the pictures if he spent that night and day in company of 20 years old boys and girls out of town, while she was worrying, thinking- he is horribly sick with the Flu. I do not understand why his family enables him. He already has mild drinking issue- he has some form of alcohol almost every day or night. Is his mother not understanding- everything I do is to promote his safety and well being. His family likes to go camping and this is all nice, but there are other nights for it. I think he may of stay home for NY eve and went in the morning, but that means he was not that bad sick, and he could invite me too. There was no reason to go alone. Am I right? Am I being reasonable?

I said run - I now say run faster.

Honestly hon, you can't expect his family or his female friends to take a relationship seriously without the public declaration of marriage. They weren't there when words of commitment were spoken in private and not even you should have taken that seriously.

He has the perfect set up to appear completely free to date shame-free.

Why does it matter about being reasonable when you aren't even happy? Not even close. It only takes two to three of the emotional needs to make us feel like being in love, you should be holding out for the full set never mind someone who doesn't call.

With no commitment it ends when the atttentiveness ends.

Over 7 years, we had many arguments- he would call over and over again. He would hardly wait to the next day. This is weird. I still do not think- it is over in a sense that he actually decided it is over. He thinks he will get away with it and win something from it. Unfortunately he witnessed a lot of drama back in the day when we only started to date, related to my previous relationships. My XX was very disrespectful publicly, and I let him. So this time- I was always make sure- I do not appear weak or let him take advantage of me or disrespect me. ...I really dont know what I am talking about. Just killing the time. Thank you for the support- it is kind of helpful- this week goes very slow, and it is very strange not to have 10 text messages on my cell...

If someone is not that into you any more and you are not legally bound....move on.
Obviously you are attractive enough for men to want to date and you should just turn heel and find a currently willing guy.

Your emotional needs were being met well enough for you to fall in love with this man over time. You don't have to stay and fight for his love and for him to start meeting them again.

Heal from the disappointment and move onward!

Look to the future and not the past.

And....we know it hurts. It IS heartbreaking to be tossed aside when there was previously commitment. We heck-a-know!

Here Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Reading, thank you for the nice words. I think I am still in denial stage or somewhere between denial and being angry. No- actually- not angry- surprisingly. BrainHurts, thank you for the link. He was somewhere between renters and occasionally- buyers, and lately- more on the renters to freeloaders side. Funny that he is on free-loader side in relation to the place he lives in. Very indifferent. He is not like most of us. Sometime I think he is not all together in his head. Very layback, very much fun, but... He needs strong woman to keep him in line. He shows a lot of resistance. I had to be strong to keep him in order- he says- I was trying to control him and that I was mean. Apparently I failed to control him, because right now he is out of control. This is like having a tiger for a pet. ...Now that I say this... if I start dating a kitten- what would I do with all these skills? I am used to challenge. Is it that thing about trying to fix men? I was not trying to fix him. I was trying to adjust to his differences. I dont know what he needs to stay attracted and stimulated.

Honestly, I think you should go for someone manlier, not a kitten.

He sounds like an overgrown child.

If you have the renters mind set of 'this relationship is over when it stops being fun for me' - then a man will be adequately challenged to win and woo you. You shouldn't try to control people, far better to set them free.

Joyce dumped Dr Harley at the end of a lovely evening telling him she wasn't enjoying their dates. Pleasantly. He upgraded from freeloader to renter trying to win her back.

You have a whole new year, do the 30 dates challenge in it. Don't stop until you meet someone enthusiastic about making you happy. Join a few dating sites, have friends set you up.

Why not gather a few men together and make them carry you everywhere on their manly shoulders?

Kidding. I think.

Check this one out:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068a_qa.html

Men without much to offer don't like the competitive field of true dating. They would rather scoop someone up from the ruins of an unhappy relationship because they look good in comparison.

You aren't low hanging fruit, you are a catch. I bet he couldn't believe his luck when he saw your low standards and unhappiness with your ex.

Found e-mail this morning, that says pretty much, "It is not you, it is me..." stuff. He does not want to waist any more of my time and he is not good for me. Yeah, I did reply. As always- in concerned tone. Best I could do at 7 am in the morning while getting my child ready for school. I will update you if it develops.