Hello all,

Around Thanksgiving, my wife gave me the "I'm not in love with you anymore", "best friends", etc lines... and has been acting shady ever since (e.g., keeping cell phone tightly with her, missing blocks of time). Being the trusting person I am, didn't confront her, but kept it top of mind.

She agreed to go to MC and we did a few sessions, but were making no progress.

We have 2 kids, both work full time, etc., and looking back, have been putting our relationship last, resulting in a lost emotional connection and not much sex.

I�ve read the divorce remedy and implemented the 180 tactics which she�s been taking notice.

However and sadly, on Jan 1st, I confirmed my fears. I got access to her phone and read her messages to the OM. She has been having a sexual affair for the past couple of months. You know how I feel and it sucks.

I took pictures of the text messages and bought an audio tape recorder. I confronted her that day and she came clean (which I have a full recording of). I know who the OM is and where he lives. He�s married as well, has a 2yr old son, and is very afraid that if his wife found out, would lose access to his son.

We had a discussion and she agreed to end contact but didn�t. Last night I was very direct (if you don�t stop contact it�s over) and she again agreed. I had also told her I was going to talk to her parents about our situation because they have �experience� dealing with infidelity and she freaked. I think she realizes this just became real and I have significant leverage. I asked to see her phone this AM and she did delete the IM app she was using and could tell she was depressed. She made her own appointment with the MC and has been very remorseful. She is taking full responsibility for f/n up our family.



I plan to continue with my 180 and GAL activities. I�ve removed her from joint finanical items she can�t be trusted now.

I need some help on next steps and thoughts on the questions below. I realize I am going to have to go through pain either way (stay or go) and I want to try to make it work.

Should I tell the OM wife? If so should I share my evidence? Is now the right time or should I save it for another opportunity?

Should I tell her parents? Everyone (I�m scared to tell my family if we are going to work this out).

What other next steps should I consider?

If you are interested in saving your marriage, you should abandon the "180 plan" and start Plan A. The "180" is a plan to ENABLE the affair. Plan A focuses on facilitating the MARRIAGE. The 180 enables the affair by keeping it a secret. It also facilitates the affair by aggravating the emotional detachment in the marriage that led to the affair in the first place. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so the affair may go on for several years. By that time, your marriage will be so crippled that you will probably hate her. I have often suspected the "180" was concocted by an adulterer since that is the ONLY thing that is benefitted.

It is very likely the affair would end right away if you exposed it. We have saved many marriages that came over from that other website and I predict we could do the same for you if you followed a SANE program that does not enable the affair. I would suggest you go read the exposure thread linked in my signature and come back and lets discuss.

Hi Rob,

Sorry you find yourself here, but this is the best place to be under the circumstances.

Yes, you absolutely need to tell the OM wife. She needs to know about this crime that is being committed against her. It will also help ensure the affair ends.

You should also tell your wife's parents and your children. Tell mutual friends that will support your marriage, and tell anyone in your family that will support you.

If they work together, you should also notify the workplace.

Since you know who the OM is, you can also post him on cheaterville.com. Then you can provide that link to everyone on his Facebook contacts list.

Act quickly and decisively, and the affair can be stopped dead.

Start here:
Exposure 101

Looks like Melody beat me to the punch. You're in good hands now. Pay attention to Melody's advice, she knows what she's talking about.

Yes you absolutely should tell the OM wife and her parents, expose to all (including your family), this will help break up the A and keep your WW accountable.

And you should listen to ML she knows what she is doing.

Don't use exposure as leverage. It's cruel, manipulative and very ineffective. She will hate you for the blackmail but be free to conduct her affair in secrecy.

Just do it. You need her phone to explode with people contact ing her and OM to be pissed at her at the exact same time.

It's the freak out that makes the affair end and you want her doing it at him.

It's terrible you wasted the freak out with a warning. Now she us telling her parents you're a liar and probably dreaming up a false domestic violence charge.

Don't threaten with an addict - act.

Agree to expose to OMW and your families. DO NO TELL YOU WIFE ABOUT YOUR EXPOSURE PLANS!!!

Welcome to MB

Ok thanks. I will do this as a suprise. Her parents, will likey be supportive. I will track down the OM-W and let it rip.

I'm scared to tell my family because i don't know how supportive they will be in the marraige saving process.

The GAL portion of the 180s had made sense, do stuff for me, don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself, don't beg, plead, etc.

Do i continue marraige consuling? How should i approach the conversations?

Robl, the sooner you get the exposure done with the sooner you can move towards Recovery. Please do not put off the exposure. Those who dragged out exposure regret it. Your marriage stands ZERO chance of recovery without exposure.

Also, find the OM's Facebook page, copy his contacts and expose to his family and friends.

Tell your family about the affair and ask for their support. Don't hide it from them.

Marriage counseling is destructive to marriage and you should stop going. Marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage and are actually destructive when there is an affair. The advice we give you comes from Dr Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist who specializes in saving marriages after an affair.

You should also tell your children. They need to know that your wife is harming their family for an affair.

I wouldn't bother with the martial counseling. Most are horrible and will give bad advice that will cause more problems to deal with. Plan A is about making yourself attractive to your spouse and self care which can mirror some aspects of the 180 but the 180 also proposes things like ignoring your spouse and to make them jealous (possibly by dating ) so that I would ditch that and go with Plan A.

I would certainly expose to your family. They can offer you and even WW support which is vital.

Here is a follow up comment from a man on this forum after he followed the MB advice PRECISELY!!!

It only works if you work it completely.

Check out the reaction he saw whe he and his reunited Wife went to visit his Parents home.

LTL

From WifeDivorcing:

Originally Posted By: wifedivorcing
To all on MB. I want to Thank You. I know we have a huge an long road a head of us. My wife has agreed to chang her phone number, writing the no contact for life letter. She is stopping the divorce, She will be testifying at my ppo hearing in my behalf. She has told me that she understands the no contact and the reason behind it. She is looking for a new job.

My wife came to my mother's house with SS. She was nervous and so was SS. Once everyone gave her a hug and SS a hug I could see her feeling a little more relaxed. My family has been behind me 100%. They weren't happy when I was hospitalized, which is understandable. I know as the evening progressed they both fit right back in. My mother who usually is tough as nails called me in private and said I hope her coming today shows that we still love her and she sees that we do with everyone's interactions. We were playi.g Wii all together and we were giving eachother hugs goofing around and I gave SS one and he hugged me back.

my wife has been showing me a lot of remorse and telling me she is sorry, crying in my arms. She has been giving me a ton of emotional needs. She has told me several times on how she is so glad I fought for her and how I never gave up on her. She has told me the man I have become is amazing and she said she is scared still and wants me like this forever. I understand her feelings.

someone had told me here on MB that your wife will not remember any of the stuff she had told me. I had said something to her she told me during the fog and she said I never said that. I just ok. It kind of made me laugh inside.

Our son is truly happy that he is home. I can see it in him. My wife told me the he thinks I hate him. I told him yesterday when he came home from my mother's, that I missed him very much and that I missed his goofy noises and silly things he does.. I also told him that I love him very much.

My wife and I have been reading Surviving An Affair together. She said she wants to lay it all out and then move forward. We both have deactt our FB accounts. I told her that I will be transparent also. This works both ways. I will check in later on. I'm amazed I have 35000 views. Unreal. There are a lot of people in the same boat. Don't give up faith, give it to God and listen to these vets on MB!

Here is the link to his entire topic thread.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...622#Post2791622

Read It.

Expose widely without warning.

It Works, but only if you follow it to a T and have the backbone for it.

LTL

Who is the OM? Coworker? How did she meet him?

Do not shield your WW from the consequences of her behavior. Having people know what she has done and holding her accountable is a GOOD thing. It will help to de-fog her.

I exposed to my family, in-laws and best friend by phone. I lived thousands of miles away from all of them so a face-to-face conversation was impossible. I didn't have anything prepared to say. I just picked up the phone and told them I just found out that WH is having an affair and it went from there. I also exposed to my children. They were 6 and 8 back then.

Exposure to OWH - I went online to find his workplace. Then I drafted an email that provided all the details I knew about the affair. If I had any evidence I would have attached it. Before I sent the email, I called his office, spoke to him to verify that he was in the office and told him to check his email soon. He responded to my email and thanked me 10 times...asked me to please call back. He was a great help to me. Your WW and OM will just lie and lie. You have a good chance at getting help with a BS.

OMW will have a bomb dropped on her so while you want to be factual and straightforward, don't expose by going off about what a POS her H is, etc. You don't want to scare her off and want to keep the lines of communication open to share intel.

There is no working on the marriage until you bust up this affair. I would focus all your efforts there first.

Unfortunately, people want to skip over this step and it doesn't work!

Once you know the affair has ended and EPs have been put into place to prevent any further contact, then you can focus on the recovery of your marriage.

One other thing to add:
Do not under any circumstances trickle expose. Get it all done at once!

Once you start exposure, do not accept phone calls from your WW. Don't look at her texts. She will most like say anything she can to get you to stop. ALL waywards do this!!

And since I am special and had a second OWH to expose to...that OWH lived locally so I called him by phone (I knew him) and then emailed him all the evidence I had...and it was a lot.