Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12
D
Dazed43 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12
Something new to add, My ExW of my son 10, has seen that my W is pregnant, and knows that i had a vasectomy, she calls me today and asks me what i am telling my S10... i tell her it is none of her business. She has no idea if i had a reversal, or my W got pregnant by me some other "magical" way, lol
This is not something you discuss with a 10 year old in my opinion.
My ExW tells me she will tell my S10 the "truth". Cant stop her from saying what she wants, but there is no need for my son to think of the baby on the way as anything else but his sibling.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Dazed43
T I would be the first with sin to cast a stone, i have needed forgiveness many times in my life and god has afforded me those chances.


DAzed, this is not about hypocrisy so your words are very inappropriate. Folks want to help you here, but not when the conditions are unrealistic. We have helped thousands of people save their marriages over the years and while I hope yours works out, hope is not a plan. It will take a real plan.

And forgiveness is not appropriate in this case. It is not in your best interest or your wife's interest and will harm your chances of recovery. Read Dr Harley's reasoning here:

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.

I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.

As it turns out, in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse that is good for the offender and good for the marriage. At first, the offended spouse may not want to be compensated. He or she may try to get as far away from the offender as possible to avoid further pain. But if the spouse asks for forgiveness along with a willingness to compensate, the offended spouse is usually willing to entertain the proposal.
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: Dazed43
She has agreed to NC with any OM, including her child's father


Good - that's the only way this can work.

Quote:
She knows trust is at an all time low, and that i will need to have an understanding of everything that is going on, where she is, what she is doing for quite a long time


No, for life.

This is how couples who have a good marriage live. They are so closely integrated that it would be impossible for them to have an affair without the other's knowledge. It turns out that the things you do to prevent an affair are also the things that lead to a happy marriage.

, not from a control viewpoint, but to help us be accountable to each other.
We are trying to save our M, we both want to, it is tough for me to follow this path, but this is what i want to do, and what i have chosen to do after seeking many counsel, from so many places and people. i am not doing this to be popular, i am doing this because it is what feels right in my heart. I do not and will not abandon someone for making mistakes in life when they ask and truly want forgiveness. I would be the first with sin to cast a stone, i have needed forgiveness many times in my life and god has afforded me those chances.
I do not see the need for DNA testing, I know most likely it is not mine, but I will raise the baby as my own. I also dont want any reason for contact with the OM. If there is some court order in the future fine, but at this point i dont see a need, I need to work on our M our D20, S10, and D7 and our family. We had a great Thanksgiving, putting up the tree, and we are doing better than we have in so very long. We talk on a regular basis on the things we need to keep doing, the potential pitfalls, and how to make our M a better one. [/quote]


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: Dazed43
We are trying to save our M, we both want to, it is tough for me to follow this path, but this is what i want to do, and what i have chosen to do after seeking many counsel, from so many places and people. i am not doing this to be popular, i am doing this because it is what feels right in my heart. I do not and will not abandon someone for making mistakes in life when they ask and truly want forgiveness. I would be the first with sin to cast a stone, i have needed forgiveness many times in my life and god has afforded me those chances.


It always worries me here when I see someone acting very dramatic.

Dazed, you don't have to convince us that this is the right path. Most of us wouldn't choose that path and are not interested in being persuaded of it, so there's no sense going on about it.

What we will do is tell you when you or your wife are making a choice that will lead to failure.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: Dazed43
Something new to add, My ExW of my son 10, has seen that my W is pregnant, and knows that i had a vasectomy, she calls me today and asks me what i am telling my S10... i tell her it is none of her business. She has no idea if i had a reversal, or my W got pregnant by me some other "magical" way, lol
This is not something you discuss with a 10 year old in my opinion.
My ExW tells me she will tell my S10 the "truth". Cant stop her from saying what she wants, but there is no need for my son to think of the baby on the way as anything else but his sibling.


I don't understand why you take calls from your ex-wife.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12
D
Dazed43 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 12
I took the text and spoke with her because it is regarding my son.... and his mental health. This can mess with a kids head, I was concerned after the interaction at my grandsons baptism.
She did have a talk with him and told him that the baby was not mine and I am not the father. (again he is 10) He seemed distant this morning while driving him to school, i asked him if something was bothering him. He said his mom had told him that.. I was floored!
I was hoping for some advice on how to handle the situation with my son.
Told the kids last night it was a boy on the way.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: Dazed43
I took the text and spoke with her because it is regarding my son.... and his mental health. This can mess with a kids head, I was concerned after the interaction at my grandsons baptism.
She did have a talk with him and told him that the baby was not mine and I am not the father. (again he is 10) He seemed distant this morning while driving him to school, i asked him if something was bothering him. He said his mom had told him that.. I was floored!
I was hoping for some advice on how to handle the situation with my son.
Told the kids last night it was a boy on the way.

What about emailing Dr. Harley?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,271
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
MelodyLane is giving you the advice based on Dr. Harley's information. This is his site and has 40+ years of saving marriages and a leading expert on how to survive from infidelity.

Why don't you email him?


Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
I want to address the issue of your ex wife telling your 10 year old son that you are not the father of the unborn baby your wife is now pregnant with.
Dr Harley encourages affairs to be exposed to children.
Did you expose your wifes affair to your son?
If not, you are trying to protect him from reality. Do you intend to lie to your son?
I agree that you should email Dr Harley for guidAnce.

Oh what tangled webs we weave when first we practice the act to deceive.

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1
L
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1
Does my 10 year old need to be exposed? Yes and No. I dont want to put that on him quite yet, I dont lie, ever, to anyone, but I will hold it until they can handle it. I am most likely going against every piece of advice you can all give me.
I cant stop myself to help someone in need. My W needs a warm bed, hot meals, stress free, she needs baby stuff, I want the innocent child to be born healthy and provided for, I thankfully can do that.
I know I put myself last, I put my sons and my step daughters needs in front of mine. I know it is all a facade at the moment, the house of cards will come down sooner or later. I have my lawyer involved, things at the ready, this is a hill to walk down, not run.If it were not for me, I don't know who my W would have. She is not mentally ok, I am just trying to do the right thing, they all seem to have their pit falls. I am helping someone in need.
So, to recap, she is living here in my house, I am being a good supportive man, she thinks it will all work out, she hopes, I know it wont. I plan my exit every day.
I will continue to be here, to be with her when she needs someone. I will get a divorce, I will not sign anything, it will be shortly after the baby is born, my state lets me dis prove paternity. I would think end of summer.
I am not in for any of it, not being with someone who cheated and lied. I will not put what I want away for that, I would sacrifice for a true companion, but there is no hope here, not from me.
Life is tough, tough choices, humanitarian, and self preservation. I have so much more positive things in the next 20+ years, I will not sideline it all again.
This has all been a process, I had just hoped for a bit of a better bedside manner.

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968
"but I will hold it until they can handle it"

I understand there are considerations with children in telling them something that is potentially harmful to them, but in general, this IS lying. To withhold the truth is to lie, even if you have noble intentions.

Lying can be both a sin of commission and a sin of omission. You can lie by not saying something true just as much as by saying something false. A half truth is a lie.

Just wanted to point that out. It's incredibly hurtful to be the person from which the truth was withheld.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Did you create a new user account?

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Thank goodness your ex wife has the sense not to a lie to the poor child. He will have seen very disturbing things and should be encouraged to talk about them, not be hushed up.

So when her back was against the wall she admitted to one night stands. You don't find that convenient?

No one is saying she can't rise above this but not while you are spoonfeeding her and lying for her like her Daddy.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Page 3 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 16 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,673 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,551
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5