You are doing such a great job! I wish I had done what you were doing early!!

Yes you're doing a tremendous job. Clearly a fighter!

I am a fighter!!! I believe in love and life, and refuse to settle for less. I won't give up on life-- and honestly the support from exposure have been ENORMOUS and so helpful to my state of mind. To know that even if he doesn't care about me, so many other people do.

I have exposed to his parents, both of her parents, her aunt, her cousin, a ton of his friends (And their spouses) and my entire family. His extended family is currently in the works.

So far he only has realized that I talked to his dad and a good friend of his. He is upset by that enough to say he is packing up and staying somewhere else tonight. He says I am trying to hurt him and push him away. "I already feel like [censored] and you keep salting the wound. I'm sorry, ok?"

He thinks he feels like [censored]?
Try have *true love* betray you and run you over like a tank.

Oh new message just came in:

"I'm so upset right now. I don't even know what to say. I can't believe you would broadcast our situation to EVERYONE we know. I never thought you would hurt me like this. EVERYONE is pissed off and angry with me."

Sigh. I honestly do not want to hurt him. I still love him. Which... honestly feels kinda like an awesome accomplishment to me. To know I'm capable of an unconditional love, like what I vowed to on our wedding day.
Still sucks that he can't say the same.

I just keep telling him that I love him and am not trying to hurt him. I am trying to save our marriage.

Say this to him:


"I am so very hurt by your affair. Please stop hurting me."

Great job on exposure!!

What about her FB friends?



What situation- marriage? That's the only situation he can call 'ours'. The affair did not happen on your watch!


"I am heartbroken and need their support"
"I cannot suffer silently"
"I will never hide an affair"
"They care about us"
"Sadly, I am not very impressed with your reaction"

Good job!

Is there something wrong with his affair?

Is he ashamed of it or something?

Maybe, I dunno - it's not the best idea to do things if you want no one to know!

Fantastic!! Way to take the first step at killing the affair!!

Thank you everyone!

I had a very interesting evening!
So a quick recap:

Everyone I exposed him to reacted in total support of me. There were a few that disapproved of the exposure-- saying it was something that should just be between him and me. But even those people say they had talked to him.

The mother of the OW messaged me and asked for my phone number because her daughter had something to say to me. I obliged and got a call from her. She (crying) asked if she could apologize in person. This was interesting to me, but I decided to go and met up with her at her mother's house.

On my way to her house, I got a message from DH saying that he couldn't believe I had told OW's family and that OW had told him to never contact him again. He said it was the final straw and that he was done.

Meanwhile, I get to her house and we had a great meeting. I truly feel she is sorry. She is a dumb 18-year-old that made an impossibly horrible mistake without thinking about the repercussions it could have on other people. Her mother was clearly so ashamed and angry at her daughter, saying things about how she won't be able to trust her again for a very long time. It turns out her father had cheated on her mother when she was 2 years old. So I was able to really talk with her mother and find support there. Through this meeting, I really was able to forgive this girl. Being able to release that anger was very freeing. I feel strong.

When I got home, husband had indeed packed an overnight bag and was sitting on the couch in a very unhappy daze. He wasn't actively angry. He was completely drained, like a beaten dog. He told me that I win. That everyone in his life is yelling at him. And that he will do whatever I want, but it will never be the same. He will never look at me the same.

I asked if he hated me. He said he fears me.

I tried to reassure him that nothing was done out of anger. Not even a little bit. That everything was done out of love and an in attempt to save our marriage. That I felt all the people who love him deserve the chance to tell him they think he is making a huge life mistake.

He just sat there, zoned out, and still responding to text messages that were coming in.
He did say that OW telling him to never talk to her again was what hurt the most.

Fine.



So I finish the night feeling very powerful and in control of myself and the situation. Exposure, while awful for him, has been wonderful for me. I feel so supported and loved and no longer powerless at his control. It is wonderful.


Unfortunately, OW did tell me something I did not know. She told me that husband told her that he had fooled around with some girl on a trip he took last June. So, apparently, my marriage was not as great as I felt it was. Many of you identified that right away. It makes me wonder how many others there were. And honestly, I have to think about that as I continue to plan for making amends. Do I want to be with someone who has possibly done this many times?

How do you guys feel about it. Is it possible to grow a trusting, loving, safe relationship up out of this? I would love to work things out for my daughter's sake, but will not do it JUST for my daughter's sake. I want a loving relationship. I still love and find value in him. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't getting easier to picture just moving on.

Yeaaaaaaaah!!!! Good job hun!!

Yes, I do think its still possible to grow a trusting, loving, safe relationship from that. Its not going to be easy, but its possible. Remember- all the stuff he's saying now is just wayward fog. You will not find a single wayward here who hasn't said the same thing, similar, or worse. Ill leave you to the more knowledgable experts, but GREAT JOB on your exposure!!!

Sl, you did great! The basic problem is that your husband is a serial cheater who is out looking for action. That is his philosophy of marriage. Unless that changes along with his agreement to adhere to extraordinary precautions and marital recovery, you should not even consider taking him back.

Will he commit to monogamy? Will he commit to every item on the ep checklist? Will he agree to end all opposite sex friendships and spend all leisure time with you?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

x 2

And not only is he out looking for action he doesn't mind sharing you either. You will need extra extra EPs with your WH. Are you up for that type of commitment as well?

GREAT JOB!!!!
Set the bar high for recovery -- either he follows the checklist that Melody posted, or he's out. Recovery from an affair is a very narrow path -- do not deviate from it, or you will end up in a false recovery and in the same boat further down the line.

Yeah. The house is quiet today. I imagine he is in class. Daughter is at daycare. I took off of work. The high of the adrenaline of exposure is wearing off. Back to feeling sad.

He IS a serial cheater. Who knows how many there were. He has no respect for sex or the people it can detrimentally impact.

It is horrifying to think about him just sharing me with no care.
But that IS what happened. And he dishonored our marriage several times.

Everything hurts.
Is it worth it? Could we work on it?
I don't know anymore. He hasn't been in touch since he left last night, but that really isn't that long I guess. He talked with my sister a little bit and told her he will never be able to look at me the same and doesn't want to be married anymore.

I'm going to give him more space and time. But the more time that goes by at this point, the more I feel done with this.

I would not do that. He does not need space and time. If he refuses to step up NOW then you have your answer.

Sorry for your hurt SN. I was married to a serial cheater myself and ended up divorcing him. I am very happy I am no longer married to him. My ex also told me he wanted me to have a threesome (it wasn't adultery if agree to ). It never happened but that sort of mentality is hard to change and says a lot about how a person values marriage and his spouse.

^What it says about a man is that he has serious impulse control problems that dominate his psyche.

A man that wants a threesome is practically guaranteed to also be addicted to porn and worships at the altar of sexual fantasy. He has no idea how damaging high risk sexual behavior is and he is dangerous to you (and himself) unless he radically changes his views and approach to sex/sexual fantasy.

Just my $.02 as a man. I know guys like this and they are out of control, they destroy every relationship they get into.

I wouldn't even know how to get him or know if he radically changed his views.

I think it is going to be over.

You need to go to him today and give him your conditions. Don't just give up before you have ever started. Let him know what it will take to stay in your marriage. Now is the time to pull your wrecked marriage out of the ditch. If he won't meet your conditions (outlined in my previous post) then you should ask him to move out.