Yes, please get spyware on those devices.

Good news! My wife would like to work on the marriage again!!! I cant believe how quickly things changed. Less than 4 weeks ago she just wanted to be friends.

When I started down the path to trying to reconcile with my wife, one of the questions I couldn't get answered is "how long" will it take. For me it was 2 months of doing everything wrong and almost losing her, followed by 3 months of doing things mostly right (with the help of 2 pro-marriage coaches over that time), before she was willing to try again, after 21 years of marriage.

This has been the most stressful 5 months of my life. Now I hope we can embark on a journey to fix what was broken in our marriage.

Thank you for all the support and advice!

Awesome! Keep us posted

How long does it take depends on how depleted her love bank is and how well you are by not committing any love busters.

What actions has she done to work on the marriage?

Have you contacted Dr. Harley, free of charge?

Also, since you haven't completely ruled out an affair her words are meaningless, sorry.

Why would she search what genital herpes looks like unless she has some concerns? I think you're ignoring too many red flags.

Can you afford a PI?

OK, been a long time since posting. Here is the ugly truth that came about by snooping as suggested here. There was a lot more in the texts than I originally thought because many of the texts were showing up under her friends name on her phone when I did get access, which seemed a little weird given their suggestive nature at the time. So I dismissed them too quickly originally.

Wife was involved with another man, not one I thought, but nearby business owner who is 15 years older, and was visiting her 4-6 hours per day. Told her everything she wanted to hear, listened to her flirted with her etc. This man is married for 38 years and is a well known "player" in the area. I had dealings with him at work many years ago and stopped using him as a contractor because he was a workplace bully. Feeling of dislike for each other is mutual. His own relationship is very shaky because he has had so many similar affairs. Small town, I know a lot about his personal affairs, we have many common aquaintances.

Here's the thing, my wife did not admit to any of this until I confronted her and said, do you really want me finding this out from your friends first. Even then she only let out things which I knew about from her texts. She eventually did tell me the "whole story ", which included many details which she could not have made up.

She lied so convincingly and for so long that now I do not trust her. I don't trust that she has told me everything. She adamantly tells me it was only emotional, not physical. What she is saying is almost believable. I have re-assured her that whatever it is I will stand by her many times, told her to move forward she needs to tell me the whole truth etc. She is now getting frustrated and angry that I can't let this go. Its been 3 weeks since she admitted there was something.

Her best friend is telling me I should dump her, that she slept with him, but then tells me, don't know for sure, just saying.... She won't come right out and tell me if she knows or just suspects.

I know she went somewhere with him for an hour and a half in mid Nov. She says just talking. Texts could be interpreted either way. Thing is there is nothing jumping out in the texts about having a great time or doing something to each other, just references to being horny, diddling herself thinking of him, etc. I was watching her closesly that day when she returned because it was one of the few unaccounted for times away from me. She was not showered, perfumed, and didn't look radiant at all, just looked like she got off work and smelled the same.

She got a genital piercing because he thought they were hot, and she always wanted one.

Best thing I could do is believe her and move on. Things between us are fairly good and getting better, she says she is fully committed to making this work. She told him we were working on it in early Mar, he tried to restart it in mid Mar and she disssed him. She told him a few weeks ago that I did not want him visiting her at work anymore, so he stopped. I have been visiting her daily at different times since.

I think she believes that if she admits the truth, it is so ugly and painful that it could end our marriage, or forever taint it.

She seems to be protecting him and says he is a nice guy, a lot like me, she believes that there really was something between them not just being played. She does not wan't me telling his wife, "why mess his and her life up?", she admits what he did was wrong, but feels partly to blame. In her texts, she seems to be the persuer. She tells me that he told her he didn't want a relationship and was not leaving his wife, but then would flirt incessantly and suggestively with her at work. She kept asking to spend time alone with him to talk (at work there is almost always other people around, so intimate conversations are limited).

I know I am opening up a whole can of worms here but this is what I am wondering:

- sure fire way to get her to tell the whole truth, or to tell is she is still lying?
- way to tell if it was more likely emotional or physical
- way to help me move on instead and accept what she has told me even though there are some holes in the story?

First, you need to get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the plan within it to the letter.

Here is an excerpt from it on Extraordinary Precautions. What on this list has been done? What is left to do?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

The affair is physical, no matter what she says. Accept that now.

Is she still in contact with him?
Did you expose the affair?

Have you exposed her affair?

Who have you exposed her affair to?

Yes you dismissed examining the texts closely because you DID NOT listen to our advice.

We KNEW there was an affair.
We KNEW you could get evidence, if you tried hard enough.

You wanted to try to fix the marriage by skipping over the affair stuff. We kept redirecting you back to the snooping. Then you disappeared.

Recovery is a NARROW path. We can't help you if you dismiss our advice and try skipping steps. It WILL NOT WORK. Period.

Schedule a polygraph test for your WW. You will then get the truth.

Thanks for the replies. I know I was pretty naive going into this, couldn't happen to me, didn't want it to be true, still don't. He's overweight, balding grey out of shape and a cheat, and everyone but my wife seems to have known that. There were some signs that it was him early on, but I never believed my wife would go for gramps, he does have money, and looks a lot like her late father...

Pretty much everyone knows except possibly the other mans wife (although I suspect she knows or soon will too), its a small town, but my wife's versions which is it was an EA. Her boss confronted her yesterday about why their "best customer" was no longer visiting and my wife told her. She's cousins with one of his secretaries, both big gossipers. I've told most of my friends and colleages, its very humiliating and embarrassing to expose it, I'm ashamed that she picked him and that it happened.

I am waiting to expose it to the OM's wife, right now I know I have some leverage for him to stay away from my wife. He will not divorce his wife because it will cost him too much money and she will turn his 5 grown kids on him. I also wan't to ensure my wife and I are well on the road to recovery before I open up this mess (no idea how OM and his wife will react). OM told my wife she is insanely jealous, but no one seems to know anything about her other than she is catholic.

Wife claims their is no contact, I believe her, she torched her cell phone a few days after realizing more texts could be on there.

My wifes best friend insinuated that only way this will work is if I leave it alone and accept that she slept with him but don't expect the truth from her.

Dr Harley would encourage you expose the affair far and wide ESPECIALLY to the OM wife

The BS can never believe what the AP or WS says about the AP's BS. There is never any benefit to delaying exposure and I have seen harm happen too many times because of delaying.

People always 'affair down'. That's so standard it's a clich�.


Please give everyone the truth. Everyone 'knows' her version. She has presented you as a cruel, neglectful husband and OM as just a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.


When you expose to OMW (which you need to do today before the two of them concoct some story that you are a gun toting crazy man that she needs to stay away from) , be sure to tell her this as she may be able to retrieve at her end.

For sure they are still in touch. Wife has a burner phone now, find it. Be surgical and ruthless, you are fighting for your family.

Pole
You are doing it wrong!!!
I suggest you re-read EXPOSURE 101, and your own thread.
Listen to the veterans here, not your wifes best friend who knows nothing about affairs.

Your story is so predictable and right out of the textbook for waywards.

FINISH what you need to do.

She admitted was a physical affair this morning, after I told her the truth no matter how bad needs to come out, and that I did know something because someone told me.

She had sex with him once right after work late Sept, drove up a dirt road and did it in his truck. She said it was [censored], she used a condom and he barely got it up, didn't take long. Second time in mid Nov says it was talking and making out. Swears that this time its truth and those were the only times anything happened.

We've got the book Getting past the affair, going to follow it.

I'll re-read exposure 101. Wife is very concerned about telling his wife and does not wan't the whole town knowing what happened. Apparently his wife did some snooping and visiting my wife at work at one point, so probably suspected something was up.

My wife is a little angry right now, thinks I will never get over this and it will always be out there, despite me trying to re-assure her. She's sort of remorsefull, but keeps bringing up all the nasty things I said to her over the years. I am almost relieved that I finally know and can stop trying to second guess what really happened.

When will you be exposing this? When will you be telling OMBW??

The name of the book is Surviving an Affair. Do you have it? Dr. Harley is the leading expert on saving marriages after an affair. We can't help you if you don't use the program!!!


Expose the affair, starting with the OM's wife. This should be done IMMEDIATELY - TODAY. We are not in the least bit concerned about your wife's "concerns." The more people who know the more people to hold her accountable.

Don't forewarn your wife, just go inform the OM's wife and then move onto exposure to your family and friends.

If you won't follow the program, there is nothing we can do for you because this is hopeless.

This should be done NOW; it does not give you "leverage" to help them hide the affair. ALL IT DOES IS FUEL THE AFFAIR. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so if you are helping hide it, you are an accessory to the crime.

We cannot help you if you choose to be an ENABLER, Sir. Stop helping the affairees cover up their secret affair.

Your wife's best friend has no earthly idea how to save a marriage. What are her credentials and how many marriages has she saved? We have saved our marriages using Dr Harley's program. The question is: are you going to take the necessary steps to save your marriage or are going to waste our time blogging?