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We have a 9 year old, my bio daughter, 5 year old and 10 month old. OC and our 10 month old are three months apart

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Your guilt is misplaced. You are the one standing for what is best for all of these children.

If you are a woman of faith, I would encourage you to cast your burdens on the Lord. Mediate on the good things in life.

If you are not a woman of faith, mediation on all of the good things in your life will help.

Going on to anti-depressants for a while may help as well.

Are the two of you working the MB plan? Extraordinary precautions, 15 hours of Undivided attention, No Lovebusters, etc.?

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We are currently reading the material and implementing parts. I certainly need to cast all my worries on the Lord and leave them there...I am trying my best to cope but I will be honest it has been extremely difficult. Thanks for the input.

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Which parts?

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Have you thought about doing the online program?

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Have you removed from your life the foolish people demanding you have contact with the OC?

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Joint agreement, loves busters, identified and address emotional needs....I thought we were doing the online plan....it's a lot of material and can be overwhelming at times. No one is actually talking about OC and forcing him on us. My FIL did say he plans to participate in his life and that's his choice. I am just not ready for my kids to know. I will have to deal with the constant questions and talk about this OC from my own kids. I don't want my girls to think this is the way things go and that it's acceptable, but I stayed. ...so confusing and heartbreaking.
I am just always so concerned about fixing everything for everyone even though I didn't cause this mess

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There is an actual course you can order.

What about extraordinary precautions?

My mom didn't have to deal with constant questions. And we never thoughts it was the way things were supposed to happen. She used it to teach us right from wrong and consequences.

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How does FIL plan to be involved?

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If the kids know, you won't have to dread it anymore. And you are currently dealing with the fallout from your H's dishonesty. You don't want to inflict this pain on the kids too.

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Your friend was nagging you about oc wasn't she? She's history right?


Does your FiL realise this makes him an enemy of your marriage and persona non grata? What on earth kind of relationship could he have with the child? Hi I'm the father of the married man who insulted your mother by making her a booty call? That is not a realistic plan, just a snide comment about what you should do - and a shady reflection on his own morals. Even if you try to maintain a relationship with your FiL, you won't be able to. The resentment over this insult will kill all respect.

You should expose the affair to your girls, but in a way so they know it's not acceptable.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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nique84 Offline OP
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Yes she is....FIL says he didn't do anything to anyone and OC is his grand as well. MIL isn't currently involved, I believe she is still hurt by all of this and ashamed. FIL stated that a male needs his father. I told my H that I won't be involved with his family like we were in the past. It hurts cause H actions have caused this but his family are free to do as they choose.

Last edited by nique84; 07/09/15 01:18 PM.
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The precautions are in place. Well FIL told me after last court date he met OW/OC and spoke with her and her mom. FIL told me he bought some things for the baby and gave OW their contact number. FIL stated you he feed OC and told OW to call if baby needed anything. He told me that when OC turns one he will get him as it will be nice to have a boy around.
So, are you saying that we should info our kids now? What happens when they want to see their brother, we would be breaking NC.

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Originally Posted By: nique84
Morning, when is it appropriate to inform children of OC, and why do I experience guilt from the NC agreement? We both still agree with NC, but why is it that I feel this way?


nique, feelings are very misleading. You should put aside your feelings and follow your logic. You logically know that the best thing is to protect your children and your marriage. Follow your logic, not your feelings.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: nique84
Morning, when is it appropriate to inform children of OC, and why do I experience guilt from the NC agreement? We both still agree with NC, but why is it that I feel this way?


p.s. you can tell your children when they are grown up. The last thing you need at this time, is curious children asking about their sibling. Since this child will not be a part of their lives, you don't need to say anything. Don't complicate the situation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: nique84
The precautions are in place. Well FIL told me after last court date he met OW/OC and spoke with her and her mom. FIL told me he bought some things for the baby and gave OW their contact number. FIL stated you he feed OC and told OW to call if baby needed anything. He told me that when OC turns one he will get him as it will be nice to have a boy around.
So, are you saying that we should info our kids now? What happens when they want to see their brother, we would be breaking NC.


Don't tell your kids about the OC. Of course they will want to see him and then you will have new difficulties. I would also plan to shut out your FIL and MIL if they include this child in their lives. They have to know that this is your worst nightmare and the success of your marriage is contingent upon keeping the OC and the OW out of your lives.

Keeping her around is like inviting your rapist to dinner. Your inlaws need to understand that if they choose to be an enemy to your marriage and your children, they won't be included in their lives anymore.

But this is something your H needs to address with them directly. I would also write Dr. Harley about this situation because he can help you and your husband navigate this difficult situation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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H and I met with our pastor who years prior to becoming a pastor had two kids outside of his relationship. He told H that he must understand that it may take a very long time before I/we heal from this. H is not allowed to push OC on me but OC is now a part of my life. Pastor does not believe in NC but understands that we must do what is best for our marriage. How do you even begin to embrace a child and be genuine when he was created under these circumstances? It's not fair that he be treated this way, but it's not fair that I have to walk away from my relationship which will cause my kids to have a part time father.....

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Originally Posted By: nique84
H and I met with our pastor who years prior to becoming a pastor had two kids outside of his relationship. He told H that he must understand that it may take a very long time before I/we heal from this. H is not allowed to push OC on me but OC is now a part of my life. Pastor does not believe in NC but understands that we must do what is best for our marriage. How do you even begin to embrace a child and be genuine when he was created under these circumstances? It's not fair that he be treated this way, but it's not fair that I have to walk away from my relationship which will cause my kids to have a part time father.....


nique, I am sure your pastor is a nice guy who means well, but he has no idea how to save a marriage. Please stop shopping for advice from everyone and take the advice of Dr. Bill Harley, who is a Christian man and a clinical psychologist who has saved thousands of marriages.

The OC is not part of your marriage. You will have no marriage if you make him a part of it. How will that be "fair" to your children? You have to protect your marriage for your sake and the sake of the children of your marriage.

It is not "fair" to the OC to have your husband hanging around like a barnacle to discourage other men from marrying the OW and fathering this child. NO ONE benefits from such a relationship.

Stop asking everyone for their opinion and stick to what you know is right.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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nique84 Offline OP
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Didn't realize I could write him directly

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Quote:
How do you even begin to embrace a child and be genuine when he was created under these circumstances?

You can't.
Trying to do so will destroy your marriage.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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