Good morning, I will try and keep it brief. I have been with my wife for 8 years and married for 4. 6 weeks ago my wife told me she thinks I'm having an affair and asked for us to separate. I did not cheat on her and told her so. I offered to leave and she asked if I was going to my girlfriend's. I decided to stay and sleep on the couch. We have had several conversations since and I have explained why I ignored her and was so cold and that I used porn instead of cheating although cheating did cross my mind. I had cheated in the past (8 years ago when I lived in another state) so I get why she is suspicious. This is her 2nd marriage and my 1st, we have 3 children together and I want to save my family. I realize that I made maaaaaaany mistakes, I have owned them and I am willing to change. Any advice as to how to get my family back? Thanks!!

Advice:
Don't minimize your porn use. It IS cheating.

Yes, porn use is cheating. Receiving sexual fulfillment from any outside source besides your spouse actually damages your marriage greatly.

Good that you have been honest with your wife, but please stop trying to "explain" why you needed to hurt her so terribly (by using porn).

When you had an affair 8 years ago, were you already married at that time?

Just so you know, telling her you didn't cheat is worthless because ppl who cheat are not honest. A better tactic is to offer to take a polygraph and to open up your life to her. She should have full access to everything, all your passwords, emails, everything. You should account for all your time and all of your leisure time should be spent together. Do you go out without her in the evenings, for example? Do you hang out in bars? Do you have opposite sex friendships? Those are all practices that wreck marriages and make spouses insecure, so I would eliminate them.

But start first by offering to take a polygraph. And certainly stop the porn!! YUCK!!

What are the many mistakes?

DidntQuit: Absolutely, I apologized profusely for the porn and have not looked at it since.
Blindsighted: The affairs I had 8 years ago were before getting married.
Melodylane: I offered to take a polygraph and she said that she doesn't care, she feels as if it is true in her heart and that's enough for her. I gave her financial statements, gave her my phone to look through, but she threw all those things out. She has no interest in any evidence I have given her. I don't go to bars, but I do work with all women and she has said I put my coworkers before her all the time. I never accounted for any of my time, I told her I was at work and left it at that, so inevitably she came up with her own story.
I ignored her, didn't let her into my life, didn't get her an anniversary present, mocked her religion ( in her eyes), worked until really late to avoid going home, took my cellphone into the bathroom, didn't always go out with her and the kids, but other than that everything was great! Oh and she had been cheated on by her 1st husband throughout the entire marriage and by a long term boyfriend prior to that, perhaps accounting for her strong reaction.

Have you read How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages?

have you read the Basic Concepts?

Also, cheating and porn use hurt like hell, which may also account for her strong reaction.

I read the basic concepts, love busters (the excerpt online not the book) and have the MB radio app, I will take a look at how Dr Harley learned to save marriages. You are absolutely right and I have admitted to her that I never meant to hurt her and that I would like another opportunity. So far I have started going to church, started working out, started getting home on time and have been way more attentive towards the kids. She gets angry and thinks that I am doing this just to get her back, but I'm not, I'm doing this for me, albeit 3 years too late.

Cheaters always take their cell phones into the bathroom so certainly she would know you were cheating. The problme is that she is not stupid so she can see what is happening.

As far as her strong reaction, are you saying she is a nut? Because any normal, sane person would be highly UPSET when her sneaky husband took his cell phone into the bathroom with him, worked late wth women and went out without her.

So I can see why she thinks you are a cheater. I think you are a cheater and I am not a nut!

My suggesiton to your wife would be to kick you out unless and until you fess up. Time to man up and tell the truth.

Which only means she knows the signs. And I would agree with her. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Normal ppl don't take their cell phones in the bathroom with them, But cheaters do!

In the meantime, I would schedule a polygraph test for yourself and offer to answer ALL of her questions truthfully before you go. Have a question and answer session BEFORE you go so she can have the tester focus on 2-3 key questions that she thinks you are still lying about it.

I would plan on spilling your guts before the test, though, so you can pass the test. Hold nothing back.

I absolutely agree, it looks as if I did cheat and with my past it is almost impossible to not think that. I did tell her everything including having cheated 8 years ago. However I really didn't cheat on her and have been willing to give her all the proof I have. I fully realize that you can't have a solid relationship based on lies and have come clean about everything. Should I take the polygraph even if she isn't interested in the outcome?

I would schedule the polygraph and offer to answer each and every question BEFORE the test. I suspect you have made her feel like a nut [at least you tried to] for suspecting you so that is why she has given up. You basically told us she was overreacting to your cheater behavior which is a tacic of cheaters to gaslight their spouses.

So you might want to a) STOP ACTING LIKE A CHEATER and b) apologize to her for gaslighting her for pointing out your cheater behavior.

What little story did you tell her to explain why you take your cell phone in the bathroom?

ALSO, you can buy a device that will retrieve ALL deleted texts and phone logs from your phone. I would get that and OFFER to have her use it on your phone.

It has nothing to do with your PAST, but everything to do with your PRESENT behavior. Evne if you had never cheated, taking your phone into the bathroom is cheater behavior.

I was always on my phone, looking at news and playing games, so my wife would tell me to get off and actually interact with the family, but since I am so hard headed I would get off the phone in the moment and as soon as I got the chance I would take it to the bathroom and read news and play in there and she couldn't do anything about it. I regret being so hard headed and I told her that I get why she thinks I cheated, but I will apologize for making it seem like she is crazy, because that has always been a point of contention for us. 2 questions:
1. How can I stop acting like a cheater?
2. What is the device called so I can look into it?

Did you really listen to me and Blindsighted?

You DID cheat and are cheating based on porn use alone, not counting the physical affair 8 years ago. Please stop saying that you didn't cheat since 8 years ago. The porn use is plenty cheating to justify her calling it quits.

I think that you should start being more thoughtful of your cheated on wife.

Now, as for an affair with someone you personally know...keep listening to Melody.

I only had one suggestion...show your wife 3 polygraph examiner options and give her the opportunity to choose one. If she doesn't then choose the one with the most experience and best reviews. This is to help her trust the results.

But ignore this idea if Melody Lane doesn't concur.

I tried telling her that, she said that she considers cheating to be having sex with another woman, not the porn (although she was disgusted and rightfully so). My wife said she's not interested in the polygraph although I am considering taking one anyway. I have been trying to consider her feelings and have given her as much space as I can while living in the same house, and I try to not mention the subject so as to not have perpetual arguments. She has stated that she feels better without me and she doesn't miss me since I wasn't around much anyway and she is no longer in love with me. I am really trying to reconnect with her.
I appreciate all of the responses, they have been very helpful!

Here is an easy first step to address your wife's complaints: Get rid of your smartphone.
Buy a $10 phone from Walmart to make calls.

I hear that! I've only had my smart phone for 2 years and it has ruined my life!
So I found the Dr. Fone program and will offer it to my wife in case she's interested in seeing the truth. Fingers crossed.