Dr. Harley stresses honesty and I have been nothing but honest with my husband. He has found items of clothing that belong to our adult children that they left here when they moved out and he claims I must have had a lover here who left his clothes. Our son left a TV in our basement and he thinks someone brought it here and left it. Whatever he decides is a lie, no matter what it is, it's a bald-faced lie. His standard reply is "It never stops, does it?" insinuating that I just can't stop lying to him. I just haven't lied about anything and the more I tell him I have not lied, the more he says "Now we both know better than that and you just can't stop lying, can you? When is this going to stop!" I just don't know what to do. I don't know how much more I can take living under this blanket of accusations that occur almost daily now.

How old is your husband? How long has he been behaving this way?

He's 72 and I'm 71. This started this last spring. It's been off and on since then. Things go great for a few days and then some little thing causes him to go crazy and he accuses me of being a liar from left field and I have no way of defending myself no matter what I say. He's judge and jury.

Has he seen a doctor? If not he should. A geriatrician would be best.

I mentioned this to his GP before his regular Annual visit and the doctor mentioned that all his tests had been done and were normal but when he tried to talk to him, he got angry and left the office. BTW, we still are sexually active, though not at the moment because of his attitude. He's the kind of guy that doesn't want anyone to know about his business. He can handle anything about his own affairs and dares anyone else to become involved. That's why I'm here.
I keep reassuring him that he is and always has been the only man I have ever loved and will always be, but this is becoming so stressful for me.

Is this a new phenomenon? Sudden or marked personality changes can be a sign of dementia.

Keep at him to see a specialist (although the disease is very insidious and can manifest very slowly) and take careful notes of his behaviour.

I agree that this sounds like dementia. Do you have a geriatrician in your area?

There are special neurocognitive tests, plus imaging that a geriatrician will do that a GP doesn't normally handle. A sudden personality change is usually a medical problem. There may be treatment options.

It could be a stroke.

How do I convince him to see a geriatrician? He's as stubborn as an ox. "Nothing is wrong with me" kind of person. I agree with you all, though. His Mother was in my 24/7 care for the last 4 years of her life and she developed Alzheimers the last 3. She was totally bedfast the last 3 also because of an injury. I'm afraid he might be developing dementia myself, but I don't know how to suggest this to him. His Dad also suffered a stroke but he's in excellent health right now. The VA even told him he's in remarkably good health. I might suggest this to his GP, but I don't know where it would go from there. I'll try. I don't want to give up yet.

Is your H onboard with MB?

Tell him you think he needs to see a specialist because he is forgetting things like your kids coming over.

Memory problems take extensive examination to reveal in the early stages.

Is he hostile and having angry outbursts?

Wait, he's a veteran? If so, the VA has a geriatric department in all their major hospitals. You can call the case manager, explain the change in behavior and request a referral to geriatrics.

Yes, he is a vet and he does have angry --I would call it ballistic--outbursts. But he has had issues with anger for so many years, he should have taken anger management classes about it. However, his anger lately is unbelievable. My pocketbook was on the table (not a usual place for it) and he accused me of going to town because of it, (talking in a nasty tone, insinuating I was lying again). I don't drive and have to arrange for the public transit bus a day ahead of time in order to go anywhere. Not long ago, I put towels I hadn't used in a long time on the towel rack in the bathroom. He asked me if someone has been stealing towels and giving them to me because he has never seen towels like those before.

I don't know the nurse at the VA clinic here in town, but I know he likes her a lot. If I can manage to talk to her, I will see what she can do for me about getting him to see a doctor at the VA hospital. Thank you so much for that suggestion. I had no idea.

The thing is, I was so convinced Saturday morning and all day that my marriage was or should be over and maybe I should even go ahead and end my own life to get out of it. I can't even afford an online divorce settlement. I was desperate to find anybody I could talk to. He has run all our friends out of our lives. Saturday evening, he came home in a good mood, told me dinner was a great meal and what a wonderful cook I am. Yesterday was a good day all day and this morning has been great. It's going to be good now until he decides I'm a liar about something stupid again.

BTW, he doesn't know I have spoken to anyone about him. He would not approve of this at all, and that is one thing Dr. Harley would advise I not do--go against my husband. I am keeping a secret from him, but I have no-one to talk to and I need advice or I just don't know what to do. I can't ask my husband what to do.

That is not true. Dr Harley does not advocate radical honesty when there is abuse.

What you have described here is horrible abuse and I would also look into separating until he gets it under control. Do you have a place to go?

Can you email Dr Harley and get his advice? It is free. You need to be sure and include the fact that he is very abusive and you are suicidal. mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

No, all bets are off when there is abusive behavior that is not being handled, like these angry outbursts. Even more so in this case because of the possibility that he has a serious medical condition causing these problems. You need to get help and support and advice and Dr. Harley says that your health and safety are the reason to make an exception to all his other policies.

Something many people don't know is if you have a family member that is a danger to themselves or other, you can call the police to take them to the hospital to be checked.

A friend of mine had to do this with his dad when he suddenly developed paranoia and wouldn't allow the son to help him with groceries and meds. The man had a stroke causing personality changes.

You should not live in danger.

Agree. There are many resources out there. My father was unable to care for himself in his last years and refused to go to a nursing home or allow nurses in to care for him. I reported him to Adult Protective Services and they sent out an agent who told my dad that they would declare him incompetent [in court] if he wouldn't allow the nurses to come in. He would then be forced into a nursing home. He sure didn't like that!!

Of course, being my clever father, he cooked my goose by smoking marijuana while on oxygen which sent the nurses running!