Oh no, she was having the affair before she asked for the separation. You can rest assured her desire to separate is related to her affair or affairs. Women don't "separate" unless they have someone else lined up.

Okay, because there is validation in the way I treated her. I was verbally and emotionally abusive which I why I asked.

That is not validation at all. That is her excuse. It takes dynamite and years of persuasion to get an abused woman to leave her husband.

here

See, spouses in bad marriages don't want to separate, they desperately try to fix the problem.

Your wife has wanted to separate to have an affair. You have the evidence that she has pursued affairs this whole time so I am puzzled why you would want to split hairs about it?

Wow, that's an eye opener. The first few years of our marriage was really good. It seemed to all fall apart when our second child was born.

I don't think the guy she's talking to now is the reason why she wanted a separation in the first place, she only started talking to him on Sunday.

He is probably affair #3 or #4 in a long line of guys. But she is still "separating" so she can conduct her affairs without interference.

And your probably right. And it's gotten to the point where she's even admitting to me that their conversation is Sexual in nature. She's not trying to hide it, doesn't sound normal to me. Wouldn't she be trying to hide it?

There has to be underlying reasons why she's been seeking other men though. Wives just don't get into affairs for the heck of it.

What I'm saying is, maybe my emotional and verbal abuse drove her towards tmtowards this.

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered she has been having affairs. She is having an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx and recently met up with another man named JoeDirtbag when she visited her dad in Las Vegas in December 2015. According to her, she had sex with this man several times. She has asked for this separation so she can carry on her affairs without my interference.

She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

The reason your wife gets into affairs is because she is seeking them. When people SEEK something they tend to find it. For example, if I go looking for illegal narcotics I will find them.

Your wife is very different from most cheating spouses in that she didn't "fall into" an affair due to poor boundaries, she went looking for it.


No, it did not. You know what "drove her." She drove herself by searching for action.

YOURS DOES. And I think you know this. She is having affairs just for the heck of it.

At the end of the day, it makes no difference WHY she is having affairs and I view this discussion as another distraction. What matters is that you expose them so you will have a CHANCE to save your marriage. You have a very slim chance of saving this and exposure gives you the best hope.

If you were abusive in the past, you may have a chance to change your bad behavior and she will have a chance to change her deplorable behavior. But you must first expose the affairs in the hope that she will stop it.

Don't try to justify things for her. She does a fine job herself. If she has lied to you before, she will lie to you again... You need to open your eyes!

I guess I'm just looking for answers as to why she's cheating. I've never heard of anybody doing it for the heck of it before.

Only she knows the true answer, but she may never tell you.
Why does it matter in your case?

Probably because she enjoys it. But it doesn't matter why. What matters is what you do about it.

All serial adulters do it 'for the heck of it'. They get a thrill from the chase.

Very different from normal affairs.

The solution is the same regardless of why she cheats. Here is what Dr. Harley says about this:

here

Talking about why she cheats is distracting and unnecessary. You should proceed with your exposure and get that completed so you can move onto next steps.

Because if this marriage can be saved, I'd like to prevent it from happening again.

I'm probably starting to become redundant at this point, but let me ask the veterans of this place a question.

I know that the advice here is greatly viewed upon and in alot of cases it works. But, considering how young my Wife is and the fact that she has a history of depression and possibly bi-polar, it seems like she has no reasoning or logic abilities. So having said that, how well is this going to work on someone like her? Maybe with somebody that has no mental issues I could understand.


Well, I could probably name a few conditions that might of caused it. Needs weren't being met. She did tell me herself that the reason why she talked to other men was because she wanted attention and wanted to feel loved by somebody else. Whether that's the truth or not, who knows.


Well, how do you deal with someone like that? Better yet, can you? Like I said before, the first few years of our marriage was pretty good. Feels like it fell apart in the last part of our 3rd year together.

She's cheating because (1) it feels good to get her EN's met outside of marriage, (2) she feels entitled to do so and (3) her lifestyle (independent behavior and ability to carry on a SSL - secret second life) allow her to do so.