She didn't like me using her phone charger, but the whole reason I was using it was to honor her request that I make sure my phone is charged (she'd been annoyed recently when my phone died & she couldn't reach me). After some back-and-forth about the charger (me saying how impossible it is not to lose them, her saying she just didn't want both of us and our daughter to use the same one), I said "I just feel like I can't win." My point was to convey my own feeling of discouragement, to make it clear that the conversation was really unproductive to me, etc. But what she heard (as she told me later) was "I can't win in your eyes," and she immediately felt compelled to convince me otherwise. She heard what I said as a disrespectful judgment about her own frame of mind. So I was trying to get some sympathy, and she was trying to vindicate herself. I didn't understand what was going on at the time, but it was very frustrating for both of us; we each felt like the other was being unkind and insulting.

What stands out to me is how little issues like this become huge issues because they are not handled with care. My H and I had the same problems until we became skilled at negotiation.

Another way to handle it could have been to say: "sure, I will go buy a new one." She was telling you she didn't want to share it anymore and that is cool. She is supposed to tell you when things bother her. If something bothers her you should stop doing it, and vice versa. You need to get in the habit of reacting in a positive manner because her request was very legitimate.

I agree that her request was legitimate. But for several reasons, that particular moment wasn't a good time for me to discuss it. That's what I was trying to tell her, for what it's worth.

Can you elaborate?

Well, first, she had just said she thought we should refrain from making complaints about each other's behavior for awhile. She had literally just said this about 10 or 15 minutes prior to this incident. So I thought it was really strange for her to bring up something like that at that time.

Second, I was in the middle of a very busy morning - I was busy washing a sink full of dishes at the moment, and had to leave for work soon - and had a lot on my mind.

Third, I had done so much for her lately that I was exhausted, and not in a frame of mind to be very receptive to complaints or requests.

Fourth, although I was exhausted from doing things she'd requested of me, I didn't feel like I had gotten much appreciation from her. I just felt like nearly everything she had to say to me consisted of asking me to do more, or telling me what I had done was somehow wrong.

First off, this wasn't a complaint. It was a respectful request. All you had to do was say sure, I will pick up a charger later today. There was no call to escalate this to a fight.


I can understand that you are exhausted and I know why. The answer is in your comment that you don't feel any appreciation. That usually is indicative of a husband who agrees to things he doesn't want to do. Are oyu in the habit of making sacrifices and agreeing to everything despite how you feel? If you are, that leads to resentment and feeling "exhausted." AS YOU CAN SEE. This is a very bad habit that wrecks marriages. You can and should say no!!

Have you and your wife read these articles?: How to Deal with a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife

How to Negotiate When You Are an Emotional Person

Whether it was a complaint or a request, I don't think I was "escalating" anything. I was only trying to defer discussion of it because I felt overwhelmed. Do you feel this was not OK? If not, why not?

I think you can see the request was escalated and could have been handled differently. For example, it was a simple request that could have been handled quickly and with ease. The outcome only served to cause you more STRESS. You don't have to agree to things you don't want to do, but can't you see how easy it would have been to just say you would stop using her charger and get antoher one?

"Deferring discussion" only added stress to the situation. IT wasn't like you had to have a serious discussion.

I can certainly see that now. I couldn't see than then.

Yes.


You seem to be saying it's OK for me to say "no" to requests, but not OK to defer an unwelcome discussion of a request. I don't understand why the two would be different.

Yes, it is ok for you to say no to requests for you to DO SOMETHING. She wasn't asking you to DO something, but to stop doing something.

I don't understand why you had to "defer" a simple respectful request? It didn't require any extra work on your part. It didn't require an in depth discussion. It only required you saying "sure."

Let me clarify, her asking you to stop using her charger is not a sacrifice. It is simply asking you to stop doing something that annoys her. That is a good thing. What needed to be discussed? Nothing.

And it might not be pleasant to hear she wants you to stop using the charger, but the alternative is worse, for her to say nothing and stew about it.

I felt that she was complaining about me using the charger, not making a simple request. I didn't experience it as a request, let alone a "respectful" one. She seemed to be saying she didn't like it that I used her charger. When I told her later that that was what it sounded like, she didn't disagree.

That's incorrect. It was the only charger that could be found; they always get lost and it's not a simple matter at all for her to ask that the only available one be declared off limits to anyone but her.

Gotcha. So she needs to get better at how she phrases things and you need to get better at how you react. It is hard to sometimes put aside the emotion, but you will get the hang of it!

What I mean is that all you had to do was agree to stop using it. That requires a quick "sure." Then you could stop by the store in the future and pick up another one for just yourself.

So how could she have worded it better so you wouldn't get upset? For me, I wouldn't be upset if my husband said something like:

"honey, would you mind picking up a charger just for yourself?" How would you have felt if she asked it that way?

Or another she could have done was pick up an extra for you. How would you have felt about that?

I think I would have felt OK about that. What she asked me to do was look for one in the apartment. I feel like I spend half my life looking for one as it is.

Gotcha. In that case, you could have said, I don't have time to look around for one, but I could go buy one later.


Can you pick one up for yourself and keep it in a safe place?

OK. I am grateful to you for taking the time to advise me on this. Thank you!

I have 2 questions that I feel are important, if you have the time:

1: You referred earlier to "serious anger management." I'm not sure what this is, but I would like to know more about what you mean. Any information you can share would be greatly appreciated.

2: Would you say that my initial reaction to my wife's request, which I admit I didn't handle very well, is ultimately a matter of anger management?