No. She has android. God I just don't know if I can do this. She had class tonight, 630-7. She texted me after saying shes going to grab a bite to eat. I asked if she was going through a drive-through, and she said no. Shes eating in the parking lot. Its been 50 min now, I've called her to ask if she knew when she'd be home and no answer. I have our kids with me, so I cant go check up on her. Its killing me. I know what she is doing and cant do [censored] about it, and am supposed to put on a happy face when she gets home.

Your map is here Daceman. Surviving an Affair is your map. It has a very specific step by step approach to recovering from an affair. It start with gaining intel and exposing. Where are you at on this?

Can you hire a PI and have her followed? Finding out the info on OM is crucial at this point. You can recover your marriage, but not until the nail is in the coffin of her affair. That has to be your first order of business here.

I would definitely talk to her and tell her that you will be finding a new job. Tell her that agreeing to her open marriage idea was a huge mistake, and having an affair was a huge mistake and you know it hurt her deeply. Tell her that you are going to quit that job so she never has to worry about you seeing or speaking to the OW again. Tell her you are willing to do anything to make her feel safe.

Didn't she already tell you she was having an affair? I don't know why you need to confront her about having an affair. Exposure is to expose to OTHER PEOPLE about the affair, not to her. She already knows this and has admitted it to you if I am not mistaken. In which case, when she is talking to or seeing the other guy, you simply tell her it hurts you deeply and you are not willing to share her.

You do not need to 'act as if nothing happened,' you can tell her the affair hurts you. You want to remain pleasant and not angry or disrespectful in any way, but it is good to tell her the affair hurts you and you do not want to share her. Your actions up until now have screamed a lack of care and concern for her. If you act like you could care less that another man is with her, that just confirms to her that you don't care about her. You need to change that. Telling her that her affair hurts you and you are not willing to share her will show you care.

Plan the date. Make sure you put effort and thought into making it special for her. Special doesn't need to be expensive, it is the thought and effort that counts.

Can you access the phone bill to see who she is calling? Do you have access to her social media, and can you look him up on there by first name?

Thank you for getting back to me unwritten. As far as her admitting the affair, she has not admitted it. I am a working dad, and she is a stay at home mom, does a wonderful job with our kids. I do not have the money for a PI. I updated my resume last night and started applying for new jobs.

She has not admitted to her affair. She says it is just a friend she is talking too. When I had access to her phone log I could see how many times they would text, although not the actual message. I was relieved when I saw it dropped to next to nothing when she said she wanted to work this out. Since then it�s spiked a little, but still, it wasn�t a lot. I�m sad to say I felt relieved, and I�m embraced to say how I found out why the usage slowed way down. She switched to talking to him over google chat. I found out because last Saturday I had a wedding to go to. She was sitting on the couch, on her phone. When I left I went around to the side of the house and looked in the window (not my proudest moment). The second I left she pulled up google talk, or whatever it is, to talk to him. I looked into why she would have done this, and it is because she can turn off the notifications while not having it affect the rest of her texts with friends. It also doesn�t show up on the log, which I no longer have access to. I�m hoping sooner or later she will use our computer so I can get her passwords. I have his first name, and the city he lives in. I�ve googled around trying to find him and have no idea what I�m looking for. He is ten years older than me, and eleven years older than my wife, and we are not exactly young, so maybe social media is just something he never got into.

If I confront her about the affair, I have no concrete evidence to hold her to. I�ve thought about bluffing and seeing what comes of it, but still. I�ve got nothing to show her. Other than the emotional wreck I have become

You need to get more intel on him. Do not be ashamed to do whatever you need to do to protect your wife and family (ie looking in the window). You have a right to know what your wife is doing.

Do not confront her about your suspicions. I was under the misconception that she was openly having this affair although protective with the details. But since she is denying an affair, do not confront her. Confronting her will just make her go further underground and make it more difficult for you to get information. For now you just need to snoop and get the info, so you can do an exposure without her knowing about it beforehand.

If you have the phone number, can't you get the information on this guy from his number? Pay for online info if you have to.

Can you have a friend follow her? Can you have a friend stay with the kids while you follow her?

The best case scenario is for you to get a keylogger on her phone. Is there any way you can do this? Can you accidentally drop her phone in the toilet, and buy her a brand new one that you secretly put a keylogger on before giving to her?

These are all things people here have done to get the intel on a spouse's affair. You can't just accept the fact you don't know who it is, and give up. You need to get creative here.

Why are you going to weddings without your wife? I have been married for 17 years and have never gone to a wedding without my husband.

I don't exactly know what this means, but you do not want to show her 'an emotional wreck.' A man who is an emotional wreck is not the least bit attractive.

Here are things that are not attractive, to any woman: a man who has affairs, a man who agrees to an open marriage and agrees to having other men have a relationship of any kind with his wife, a man who doesn't show care or protection for his wife and family, a man who is an emotional wreck. Here are things that ARE attractive: a strong man who is protective of his wife and family, who treats his wife like a queen and handles her with extraordinary care. A man who is pleasant and fun, who does not mope around or look disheveled and broken. A man who is not disrespectful or angry.

Right now, you need to transform into the second guy. You need to show her that you are changed and will treat her with extraordinary care from now on. You also need to be the better option to OM.

Can you do this?

I agree. All good ideas. I tried to break our phone chargers so she would have to use the computer, but she just went out and got another one. I'm having dinner with my brother tonight, I'm going to see if he or his wife would be willing to stand in as a babysitter for me if an opportunity to check up on my wife arises. Same with my Dad. I am not giving up on the snooping, but until I have something, it is killing me. Knowing and not being able to prove it, just, it's been one month and 2 weeks since she met this guy. It feels like years.

No, I don't show her I am a wreck. I am nothing but pleasant and ask about her day, and nice, and try to be fun. But I feel like a wreck. And I invited her to the wedding. Told her we could dress up and have a good time. She didn't want to go.

As I stated before, when a wife asks for an open marriage, it is almost always because she already has someone in mind for herself.

There is a high probability that she has been with OM for the last 6+ months, or, she had a different OM at that time.

Either way, you need to find out what is going on. The longer it goes on, the more entrenched it becomes and the more difficult it is to kill.

Make finding this out your #1 priority.

I have also tried to change into a second guy. I work long days, come home, clean, do stuff with the kids, ask about her day, make dinner, put the kids to bed. She is dodging all of my efforts to include her in our life. She naps, or will sit in the other room. She also has told me that it makes her angry that I'm doing so much.

Then you should not have gone. You should have found something else for you BOTH to do that she was enthusiastic and excited about.

This is all because she is in affair fog. This is because of her affair.

This is why I am saying, do all of this WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY doing whatever you can to kill this affair and run this OM off. You cannot fix a marriage when there is an affair going on. You need to kill this affair, it is your top priority.

This is why I keep hammering you to do whatever it takes to get the intel so you can expose this, which is your greatest weapon against the affair.

You are right. I felt obligated because I was in the wedding party. How do I draw her into doing things. She doesn't want to do anything with me. I'm trying to get us, her, me, the kids, to go to an apple orchard this weekend.

You keep asking. You keep doing things to fill her needs, and you keep asking her to participate, even if she hisses at you and says no.

You do this WHILE YOU KILL THE AFFAIR. Until you kill the affair, you cannot fix your marriage. It is priority #1.

You should not feel more obligated to a friend at his wedding than you do your own wife and the survival of your marriage and family.

Ture. I'm ordering a VAR today. And my brother is a comp wiz. I'll see if he can hack her phone. I'm also inviting her to my brothers tonight. We are swinging by to drop off presents for my niece. If she doesn't want to go, should I? Or should I run home and check on her? It will only be for an hour, but still.

Think of it this way, if you go to events without her, you are not only doing independent things (which as a wife would make me feel uncared for) but also giving her an opportunity to interact with OM easier because you aren't there. So you are leaving a wife who feels uncared for to let OM fill the void.

The alternative to that is including her, and if she doesn't want to go, taking her someplace she DOES want to go, or even staying home having some pleasant IC with her.

The first option takes away from her lovebank and leaves the OM an opportunity to fill it, the second option gives you the opportunity to fill it.

Excellent point. What should I do if she wants to go out? Also, I'm going to ask her tonight if we could go to the apple orchard. If she says no, I don't know how to handle it. I'm going to make sure the kids arent there, so they dont get their hopes up. But I can't strong arm her into going.