I hope you got your babies back. Let us know that they are safe please!

Thank you Living Well! Kids back safe and well. No drama at all. WH was bang on time. Weird.....

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It is incredibly stressful when he is around. Oh well, i guess I will have a few months relaxation before he tries to see them again.

Today is a day for happy news! I have accepted an offer on my house (after months of waiting!) - just at the point when the tenants want to move out. And I have just found out that one of WH's lies in court just before Christmas has cost him an extra USD1000 a month . He told the court he was paying off a loan for the car that I have possession of (a 7 seater because of all of our many kids) - so I agreed that I will take over the repayments. But now it seems he lied and the loan does not exist (he must have paid it off with his retirement fund payout in May, hoping to recoup the money from me)......so I get a fancy car for free and he has to live with the fact that he paid off a liability I was willing to take over. That's karma for you!!!

As Living Well advised long ago, physical possession of assets is VERY important!!!!

Yes, I was thinking of this in respect of his failure to meet his financial obligations. I'm sure you are logging the numbers. When the final division of assets happens, you will be able to deduct every cent from his share.

Absolutely!! Although in SA you can apply for "forfeiture", which I have done. Do they have that in the US? It means that he forfeits any claim on my estate (although I still have claim to his) because he has behaved so terribly. The judge has discretion on whether to grant it or not, and it can be complete or partial, but we have such a huge long list of things he has done - even during the court proceedings - so I am hopeful on that.

Never heard of that. In the US civil law is usually state specific although obviously ultimately governed by Common law, like SA.

Well done, you are a formidable opponent. I would not want to be in his shoes.

Seconded.

This made me smile. Nice job, Chalk

If I am, it is very much thanks to your excellent advice and guidance. I can't thank you enough for how you have helped me Living Well! I feel as though when I came here in February I was totally blind and naive. But now, thanks to everyone on the forum, but you in particular, I have been equipped with the tools to take control of everything bad that has happened and managed to get myself and the kids to a much better place and a much nicer life. THANK YOU THANK YOU!

And thanks Indie and Amac too

Now I feel a little bit guilty to admit that a plan B hole opened up due to WH's Xmas visit. He had to be able to send me an sms to say when he was at the gate to our estate when he was picking up the kids. But since he left the country, he has sent me two more smses: one implying he wants to kill himself ("I won't continue to fight in this life for much longer. I am about to crack. Sorry for everything and thank you for all your love all these years.") and another claiming that he misses his family "so much".

I didn't reply of course and have not engaged with him at all (he's still calling the kids in the evenings so he obviously decided against the suicide option). But should I change my phone number again so that he won't be able to send smses? I have blocked his number so he can't call me, and I now don't receive any communications from anyone connected to him at all, but somehow smses still seem to be able to get through.

PS. It is eye-opening how two ridiculous manipulative smses can mess with your mind, even now that I love my plan B and feel so happy in my life. Just seeing his name on my phone disturbs me and brings so many of the negative thoughts and feelings back. I really want to live as if he does not exist.

You are smart enough

By the way, people who want others to react threaten to commit suicide. The ones that really commit suicide act instead of text.

One other topic that crosses my mind, monthly payments. I suspect he will use those to impact you one way or another. Like last time, when he didn't pay enough. It will only help you to get payments directly from his employer, so I kinda hope his next payments will also be faulty.

If there is a possibility to add comments to bank payments, he might do that after you changed your phone nr. If you only use the bank account he transfers money to for his monthly payments and automatically transfer money from that account to your every day account, you don't even have to see his name on bank papers every month.

Thanks Goody2Shoes, that's very helpful. My lawyer is working on the underpayment thing. We should be able to get a garnishment order to take it straight from his salary now that he has violated a court-ordered maintenance agreement. He did send an explanatory email to my lawyer, claiming the underpayment was his proposed deal to offset the "outstanding" balance for the loan on my car (which the court order specified I should pay directly to the bank which gave him the loan)......and that was when we found out the car loan did not actually exist. It is exhausting to observe that he just cannot stop lying. Exhausting. Depressing. Pathetic. And so unnecessary in life.

But yes that's a good idea to have his money going into a separate account not my day to day one.

Yeah, that did cross my mind. And I also thought: wouldn't your mum, dad, or perhaps the brother you live with, be the person you would tell that to rather than your estranged wife who you haven't spoken to in months? And why would someone so desperate in life think of killing themselves rather than, perhaps, just trying to stop the cheating and lying thing first?!

I'm glad you see this as the gaslighting it is.

After you change your number how can you avoid this Plan B hole in the future? Can he text your nanny or someone else to tell them he is at the gate?

Because he is still trying to find holes in your defenses. Remember he had years of success and now suddenly he is faced with a black hole.

I remember my XH wearing only black and coming home every night with those lillies that you put on graves. He told me he was going to kill himself soon, very soon. I have to admit I had trouble keeping a straight face.

Threatening harm to a person, even if that person is yourself, is a violent act.

He hasn't changed has he?

I'm reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy/Bancroft so I can better understand the home lives of some of my students. It's about manipulative and controlling men and they sometimes end up ramping up towards violence.

Nearly every page reminded me of your ex.