I think my fog just lifted and I want to end this affair but I know the MM is not going to make this easy to do.<p>Can you help me get out of this, or would you prefer I don't post on this board...either way...I don't want to hurt anyone here by my presence...just let me know.

Welcome twilight...<p>Anybody working on making their marriage work is welcome here...though you didn't indicate if you married as well.<p>Read everything on this site...basic concepts and the like...<p>The JustFoundOut forum has posts of General Welcome, Acronyms and other beginner stuff...<p>I would also suggest that you get Surviving An Affair as it will help guide you through your recovery process...

I am married but in the process of divorcing. I was in an abusive marriage and I had an affair that started 3 months before I moved out of the family home.<p>While the marriage conditions were no excuse for having an affair, it still happened...worse yet, the affair is with a married man. I have tried to end it before but he always manages to get me to stick around.<p>I really need to end this but I don't feel strong enough to do so. I need to recover from him and my failed marriage. I need to figure out who I am, because I am not who I was.<p>Does that make any sense?

oddly enough...it makes perfect sense...<p>There is much you can do...are you in counseling?<p>Are you a reader? There's a huge # of books that might speak to you that I could recommend...All of the Harley's books...Harriet Lerner's books, "The Dance of....". and many more...<p>You have quite a journey ahead of you and will need support.<p>Cali

Cali,<p>I have read a ton of books on infidelity, I was in councilling and talked about this nightmare endlessly with good friends.<p>I just can't seem to get to the next step...the break. I don't know what is holding me back. At first I thought it was fear of being alone, but being the OW is being alone. Case in point, I went to my Father-in-Laws funeral today and of couse was shunned by the family. My H and I have been seperated for 9 months. the MM I am involved with didn't even bother to see if I was ok. It would be easier in a way to be alone than to know the person you are with doesn't want to be with you.<p>Everytime I try to enforce the no-contact thing he breaks it and I give in. I need no contact to get through it. I have even thought of telling his wife but that would be cruel. Why hurt her just to ease my own pain...haven't I done enough already?<p>Ugh.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by twilight:
<strong>I need no contact to get through it. I have even thought of telling his wife but that would be cruel. Why hurt her just to ease my own pain...haven't I done enough already?<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi, Twilight,
I would like to welcome you to this forum. There's a lot of healing taking place here, for everyone, and a ton of info and informative people to help at every step of the way. It's good that you recognize that your relationship w/MM is not a good place to stay. <p>UNfortunately, telling MM's W MAY be the best route to getting him to leave you alone. She WILL see to it! Personally, being the BS, I would love for my H's OW to "send him packing" and inform ME that she's done w/him!! Ain't gonna happen, though, in our case. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] She is not married and pursued him for quite a long while before he finally "succumbed." I'm not saying he's a perfectly innocent angel in any of this, just that she's dug in pretty deep, and got nothing else anyway, so she's prolly not gonna let go anytime soon!! It'll have to come from some other source if it's gonna break up.....<p>Anyway, back to your situation......if you truly cannot find a way in your heart to let MM's W know about his A, then you CAN find the strength you seek just by hanging around HERE and posting and asking and learning from others. Many here will help.<p>After this ends, you are going to want counseling to deal with your own M problems....I think you intimated that you were in an abusive relationship? I hope IC's in your future plans?<p>Welcome and God Bless,
Lupo

Lupo,<p>thanks for your post.<p>from whay he says, his wife doesn't have any idea about us. It has been going on since September 2000. I can't bring myself to tell her, I don't even know her. MM and I do not live anywhere near each other. In my heart I think she does know, just by some of the comments he has made...men can be clueless sometimes. My point is, if she doesn't want to know, I will not be the one to shove it down her throat.<p>I let my life revolve around him and now I am so deep into this, I can't seem to get out. I love him but this is killing me. He has no intention of ever leaving his family and I am beginning to accept that no matter how much I love him it will never be enough. I need to focus on me now and stop worrying about him and his needs. I wish he would go home and own up to his marriage, find his happiness there so I can find mine.<p>I am so tired.

Twilight ~ I vote for your honesty with your MM's wife.<p>I'd want to know. She may not know about you, but I'd be willing to bet she does know something is seriously wrong. <p>A common thread of many affairs is that the MM tells his suspecting wife that she is completely nuts for her suspicions and questions.<p>Sometimes, just finding out that we weren't crazy, that our instincts WERE right is a huge relief. And with that knowledge, then we have the ability to make choices.<p>Right now, because of your MM's lies, his wife doesn't have a choice. She wasn't given one. Give her the choice to choose to work on her marriage or to seek a divorce.<p>It took guts to post here - good for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Please read the information on this website and in SAA (Surviving an Affair). Total no contact is required to break off an A (affair). It is NOT easy and just like with drugs or alcohol ther ewill be withdrawal symptoms - which usually ease up in about 3 weeks of no contact - however, any further contact with bring back all of the pain again and you iwll have to start over. <p>There is a no contact letter that you can write to OM and then do whatever you need to to get away from him - change phone numbers etc. <p>Like I said, it will not be easy, but it is possible and when it's over- you will be stronger and be out of the grips of the A, and you can begin to rebuild your marriage. There is also a plan on how to do that on the site too. <p>Stay strong. You are making the right decision. K

rebuilding my marriage is not an option. Right now I am just trying to survive my divorce intact.

Twilight,
If you are serious about ending your affair, but the MM continues to contact you which defeats your efforts at closure.
And if telling his wife is not an option, how about threatening the MM that you will call his wife if he tries to contact you? He doesn't need to know you wouldn't have the heart to do it, just the idea that you could do it should stop him from contacting you again. <p>However, if you are not firm in your efforts to end contact it will not happen and you will remain trapped in this dead-end and heartbreaking three-sided relationship. <p>Good luck to you. You deserve better.

twilight,<p>You already know the ONLY way to accomplish ending this affair is through NO contact. None. And since you say you don't live close to one another, that should make it much easier, no chance of running into him at the gas station, grocery store or work. That must mean your usual communication is by phone or email. Both easy enough to block if you are sincere in your desire to end this. A no contact letter. But I have the impression your question is HOW to end it but how to get the guts to make that final decision. Right?<p>twilight, take stock of what YOU are getting out of this relationship. What does he do for you? Now, I'm not talking physically. That's only part of a relationship, especially a long distance one. I'm talking mentally, emotionally. Is he there for you? When YOU need him? Or at HIS convenience? For the good times AND the bad? I doubt it. And you,,(we ALL) deserve more than a part-time partner. <p>Take some time out for YOU. To decide what YOU need and want. To make some goals and plans for your future. Do some real soul searching and find out what YOU are all about. Get to know yourself and realize you deserve more. <p>Good luck.

twilight - hopefully by now you can tell you're welcome here. I cannot add to the sound advice you've received above.<p>But I would like to make a pitch for staying in your family. I understand you consider that you're in an abusive marriage. This is exactly what my separated wife tells her friends and family. At first they believed her, but it didn't take long for them to put two and two together. "Why," they asked, "would you allow your only remaining child to stay in the presence of this man if he's abusive?"<p>You didn't mention children, but you did use the term "family." Are they abused, as well?<p>You do not owe us an answer. Just understand that preservation of marriages and families is our first choice here, so you shouldn't be surprised at our bias. just keep an open mind for your family's sake and maybe as you distance yourself from your MM, the "abuse" will seem less and less.<p>Regarding telling the MM's wife, you may find helpful the discussion in my post lower on this board, "On Informing the OP's Spouse Of The Affair."

Hello Twilight. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have finished putting puzzle pieces together in my situation-only I'm waiting on my husband to tell me what he did. All the signs were there-he tried to make ME think I was crazy and wasn't seeing what I was seeing.<p>Please find the courage to tell the MM's wife.<p>Me waiting for my husband to confess what he's done has been killing me.<p>Apparently the "OW" is not willing to let go.- I have a recurring phone call that keeps showing up nearly every day-It showed up only on his days off at first.<p>But, Ah! He has changed jobs and doesn't go her way anymore best I can tell she doesn't know-so now the calls are coming in everyday.<p>The times are wrong for me-I either am not home or I get hung up on. I am logging calls as I go-dang, this gets to be alot! :lol<p>He's been grieving hard and seems to be trying to get on track-I can see he wants to tell me, but don't know how.<p>I have already made up my mind what I will do when the time comes and it's getting close.<p>I will stay married to him. I've built a life with him, had a child with him; gone through much with him.<p>The Mid Life Crisis he was going through (he's coming out of the tunnel now) has changed him in ways-He was always a good man, and I know good men fall.<p>That's still not an excuse, but I'm attempting to understand him, and am waiting for him. I love him more than my own life, and always have.
I married him for life, not convenience-for better and for worse.
I also know the situation could have been reversed-it could have been me; I'm just as human as he is. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know he still loves me or he wouldn't be here.<p>God has been with me all this time-walking with me at times; carrying me at others.<p>This is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life except when my dad died-but that's another story.<p>I keep putting my trust in God, knowing He gives me the strength to hang on and wait for my husband to come back to me emotionally. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
Good luck, Twilight, may God help you find the strength to end what's going on with you, and the strength to survive your divorce.<p>I will pray for you-I've prayed in my heart for many as I've read these boards and seen the heartache that others are going through; some the same as me and others that were different situations.<p>My heart goes out to each one of you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

twilight, I was told of my husband's affair by his OW. It was terrible, but I have occassional sane moments when I understand that she did me a favor, although I wish she hadn't enjoyed it so much. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Here's a recent thread from another OW who is considering telling: I want to tell his W<p>My advice on the thread, and my advice now, is tell her--it will almost certainly end the affair. But please tell her in a kind way: don't give details which will haunt her, just tell her calmly that you are out of her husband's life and want to stay that way. If you have proof (a letter, perhaps?) you could send it along if she seems disbelieving. Or you could write her the truth instead of calling, which might be kinder still.<p>I still have lots of resentment and anger at my husband's OW, which is completely natural, I'm sure. But have I ever wished she hadn't called? Never.<p>Grit your teeth, do what you know you have to do, and then come on back here and start healing.<p>Best wishes to you, twilight.<p>Rose Red

Twilight...<p>I have been in your shoes and I'm still working on getting my marriage back... we are in therapy, we read alot... and both have been reading on this forum, it seems to be helping...<p>In my opinion... I think you just have to be the stronger person and break everything off.... but, I wouldn't want to be the one to tell the Wife thouh. Perhaps you could tell the OM that you must end it all..and tell him that if he will not accept that, then your only alternative would be to tell his Wife. Then, he would realize that you are serious.<p>I wish mine had never happened, it hurt my H so much.. I'm trying to move forward...but seems I can never do enough...or do what he feels is best. soooo, i just keep on trying.<p>I'm here if you ever want to talk to another OW / WW. And believe it or not...we are NOT pondscum... just people who chose the wrong path.<p>Best of luck......

thanks everyone.<p>I haven't posted in a few days becaus eof a family situation. My FIL died on Wednesday suddenly and I have been with my stbxh's family through all of it. Thing were uncomfortable but he wanted me to be there and so did his Mother. The funeral was yesterday.<p>Someone asked me why I do not want to work on my marriage and hinted that the abuse may not be real. I feel the need to answer this....<p>My husband beat me. He abused me emotionally far worse than that, and he was never there when I needed him. He is sexually disturbing (for me anyway) and very controlling. The affair started after I had decided to end the marriage...I didn't make up the abuse to excuse my actions...it was real.<p>I also have to say, that I am shocked someone would advise a woman to stay in an abusive marriage, even if this site is dedicated to saving marriages, (something normally I am all for btw). That can be very dangerous advice...jmo of course.<p>I am closer than I have ever been to ending things with MM. The events of the past week have proven to me that I deserve much more than this.<p>If it is ok, I will keep posting here...I appreciate the support I have received.<p>As for telling his wife....I think based on new information, that I will not have to do this...it appears that a mutual friend of MM and my H has found out and will be doing it for me, he is also friends with the wife. I think it is better that way anyhow.<p>thanks again.

Twilight,<p> I could have written that thread. I am in the exact same place as you. Believe me, I never dreamed, I could have gotten involved with a MM!!! I too am in the almost process of divorce. I have no desire to work on my marriage. It is dead. Like you, I believe that is no excuse to get involved with some one who is married. I know exactly what you are going through. I have tried breaking it off, but have the same problem as you. The only difference in our situation, is MM and I work for the same company. NOt in the same office building, but same company. As I have written before, I can turn my cell phone and home phone off, but at work I can't! Please don't tell his wife.. As you said "you have done enough already". I think, it would be best to just stay away. And in doing so, that would force him to work on his marriage or get a divorce. I think it should be his decision to tell her not you. Let them work it out. I think it is so strange that we not only are in the same situation, but we think alike. If you like, I will send you my e-mail address.

Twilight - I understand better, now, about the abuse.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by twilight:
[QB
I also have to say, that I am shocked someone would advise a woman to stay in an abusive marriage, even if this site is dedicated to saving marriages, (something normally I am all for btw). That can be very dangerous advice...jmo of course[/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Of course, I was not referring to physical or real mental abuse - I hope you understand that the "abuse" claim is frequently used by WSs to justify their behavior when nothing close to that actually exists. I admit that I am quite sensitive to this because this is my WSs primary reason for separating from me.

Hi Twilight ~<p>Truely honestly this site is not about saving any and all marriages and I don't know of anyone here that would condone staying in a abusive marriage.<p>I suspect that the reason why you heard the suggestion that you reconsider and that maybe your marriage wasn't as bad as you thought was because in normal situations, the cheating spouse rewrites the history of the marriage to be something awful. And the word abuse and controlling is often thrown about.<p>However, there was a long long thread over on the divorcing board I think about abusive marriages and the fact that it is very common place for abused spouses not to leave until someone outside the marriage gives them the emotional strength to do so. An physically abusive marriage is a completely different situation all together.<p>I'm not condoning cheating or affairs in the case of abuse. But it's a completely different ballgame - and the Marriage Builder's reasons and principles just don't apply in those situations.<p>Regardless, I'm sure you'll get lots of support here. Welcome [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]