Been looking around a bit finally got the courage to write. <p>WS has OW in another country. They talk and e-mail daily (a lot) They are trying to work things out as she is also married.<p>It is so hard to plan A. How do you compete with a mirage?<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: pwin ]<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: pwin ]</p>

Hi PWIN, Yes, the OW in my situation is from another country. Over time, I've figured out that you can't compete with the affair or its power. You can try to fulfil H's ENs and position yourself in control of yourself. Be a better person. Improve yourself. By doing this, you could become the more attractive choice over time.<p>I don't anything about your situation but you can be in a position of advantage simply because of the lack of physical presence of the OW. <p>Can you share the details of your situation so that I try to help a little better?

Terrified, Thanks.<p>Says he wants to work on marriage but is unwilling to give her up.<p>He travels a great deal. I can not always go with him.<p>I'm torn. It is hard to plan A.<p>p<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: pwin ]<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: pwin ]</p>

I don't know if I can be of any help, or if you even want me to...but I am/was an OW in another country.<p>If there is anything you want to ask me, feel free.

T,
I guess I'd like to know what's in it for you? Do you see the big picture? So many obstacles. Everyday living is quite different once you see the demands of what is really happening. Are you able to see any faults by just having good times, no worries, no kids, no homework etc. At this distance how do you know he's not cheating on you. He certainly isn't telling the truth.
What would happen when/if you moved in together and the pull from kids was just too great. Look deep inside and see your goodness. You wouldn't be here if things were rosy.
I would appreciate your input.
p

<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: pwin ]</p>

sorry, my reply button stuck.

t,
Didn't mean to sound mean, but figured if you were the OW in my situation this is what I'd say to you.
Good for you for having the courage to end it. You have to believe that you deserve better.
p

Pwin,<p>What did I get out of it? Well, I had just left the everyday reality of a BAD relationship so I guess that was the last thing I was looking for. Really I never meant for it to happen in the first place, the OW rarely does.<p>I travelled with him, I was on business and he came along for the ride. I didn't have to be in strange cities all by myself, we toured Europe together.<p>I also had a very strong bond with him, a great friendsip, which was something I desperately needed at the time, needed from a man. I needed to know that not all men were abusers and he taught me that.<p>I know you will find it difficult to believe, but he has always been honest with me. He had no reason not to be. He never made any false promises, never said he would leave his wife, as a matter of fact he made it clear to me that he wouldn't.<p>We regularly spent up to 4 hours a day on the phone or messenger and saw each other about 5 days a month, depending on our travel schedules.<p>One of the problems in my own marriage was my husband inability to accept my career and MM and I worked in the same field. He understood me, better than anyone ever has. He made me feel good about myself, whole again.<p>I always knew the everyday realities would never enter into our relationship so I didn't give them much thought. His wife knows about us but has never mentioned anything to him. I personally believe she has know for almost a year now.<p>The main problem I have with this is I started wanting so much more, and so did he but he wouldn't break up his family. It started to hurt beyond belief for both of us. We ended things this week and both of us are in a bad way.<p>Before you ask me...yes I think about his wife, all the time, and yes I feel guilt. Like I said, I never meant for it to happen but I needed him, he saved my life...I hope one day I will be able to forgive myself for what I allowed to happen.

t,
I almost wish you were OW in my H's life as I would know it was over. You will survive this. He did get you out of a bad place and tried to make you whole. Now it would be good to try to show your resolve to someone who is available (easier said then done, I know)
I will keep you in my prayers to help the pain ease up a bit.
p

P,<p>Thank you for your prayers. I do have a question...why are you so convinced that it is over? I wish I was so convinced...this is just so hard.<p>I am not now and will not be ready for another relationship for a very long time but if ever I do feel ready, you can bet he will be fully available. I think for the first time in my life I can handle giving myself to someone who is. What I found out over the last few months is there are reasons why I ended up with a married man...I am afraid to commit to anyone emotionally. I enter into relationships with men I either do not have strong feelings for or I chose unavailable men and end up loving them. This is a serious commitment problem, one I am working on. Fear of regection, abandonment drive my emotions with men...I need to change that.<p>Before you judge any OW, realize that they have issues of their own and were put on a road to try and resolve them...this is my belief anyway. I have been forced to face my own issues and I thank God I have before it was too late.<p>Looking back, this relationship may well become my salvation.

T,
You said it was over. Don't go thinking you can just call and it will start up again - it will and what will you have gained. Think of him as having been there for you, a life preserver. Now throw it out and swim on your own. It certainly isn't going to be easy but do it one day at a time.<p> We are all trying to be the best we can. We need to look at ourselves and start there. Look for your strengths within.<p> You deserve someone who will respect you and want to be only with you, don't we all.<p>p