What should I do?<p>We have been separated for 3 weeks and he hasn't tried to contact or see me or the kids at all. I am confused by this. <p>1) Do I stick to Plan B?
2) Do I do this for our kids?
3) Is he lonely?
4) Is this just an excuse to see me?<p>I don't want to read too much into this, but I can't help smiling a little!<p>Help!<p>Le<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Moving Forward ]<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Moving Forward ]</p>

There is thread over on the Divorcing/Divorced board called Plan B & Christmas maybe will help you out.

I dont know what to tell you about the plan B part of it, last year my H had left in September and had not spoken to me once. I was sort of doing a long distance plan A.. a few notes.<p>I did go to his Moms for Xmas and he was there for a short time only cause he had to work. It was terribley uncomfortable and I left in dispair. But after that he started calling, we started dating and in April he asked to come home. I think it was sort of an icebreaker. So I would maybe consider the holidays a specisl cercumstance, and use it to remind him of what your family means.
Lora

I think that would make it too easy on him.
I think you stick to plan B and let him think about what future "traditions" and holidays will bring.<p>Part of Plan B is for WS to miss having EN's met by BS. By creating a happy family party, you are meeting his needs.

MF,<p>How did you learn about the gift exchange?<p>I'd ask from whoever is participating, to please have someone draw a name for you (verify it WON'T be your H's name) and they can later contact you to tell you who's name you have. <p>Don't bite ... just avoid all contact of H at all costs. You need to stick to your guns regarding Plan B, or it will lose it's effectiveness.<p>Whenever there is a question on whether or not you should do or say something regarding your WH while in Plan B ... ask yourself this .... "Are you meetng any of his needs by doing or saying this?".<p>You SHOULD NOT be meeting any of your WH's needs while in Plan B.<p>This WH request for your participation in gift exhange falls under the NEED'S category of "Recreational Companionship", or maybe "Domestic Support" ... I think.<p>Jo<p>[ December 19, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Thanks everyone for your comments.<p>
Jo,<p>It's just with our kids. It will be so hard to say no!<p>I am wondering if this his attempt to "break the ice".<p>I want him back soooo bad! I don't want to push him away if he's reaching out!<p>Le

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Moving Forward:
<strong>Thanks everyone for your comments.<p>
Jo,<p>It's just with our kids. It will be so hard to say no!<p>I am wondering if this his attempt to "break the ice".<p>I want him back soooo bad! I don't want to push him away if he's reaching out!<p>Le</strong><hr></blockquote><p>MF,<p>I know how hard this is. But until your H is willing to agree to what you said in your Plan B letter (there was a letter, right????), you need to refrain from any contact or need meeting.<p>Your Plan B letter I assume asked for the ending of the affair with OW hence No Contact of her and to take steps toward recovery of your marriage. Until he can agree, you need to hold him at bay.<p>I'm so sorry it's the Holidays, MF. If you can't refrain from contact with your H, I would recommend a couseling session with Steve or Jenn. Perhaps they will coach you to call a moratorium on Plan B until the end of the Holidays, but only for the kids sake.<p>Love,
Jo

Okay, wait a sec .....<p>MF, can't you simply coordinate the gift exchange via email only? I would think you could.<p>I know you miss your H, BUT .. he KNOWS what it will take to lift Plan B. Please stay strong. Plan B is very hard when there are children involved.<p>Prayers,
Jo

Thank you all for your comments. It made it a little easier to respond to my WH's e-mail this morning.<p>This is what he sent me . . .<p>________,
I wanted to let you know that the only reason I am coming over tomorrow is to see the kids open presents. I do not want to discuss our current situation or any other aspects of our seperation. My feelings have not changed, I only want to see the kids open gifts and possible make this a little easier on them. If this makes you uncomforable or if you think it is unfair we can make other arrangments.
Thank you,
________<p>
This was my response . . .<p>_______,<p>This is a family tradition and since we are not a family right now, maybe other arrangements would be better. I don't feel you are doing this for the kids, I think you are doing it for you! To relieve some guilt or what ever. The kids aren't crazy about tonight anyway. If you are concerned about the kids, I can think of 101 other things that could be done. There is only one thing that will ever "make this a little easier on them."<p>I did not plan on any discussions tonight. Until you're ready to talk about reconciling, I think not seeing you is best. I am not willing to make things easier on you when you are creating this situation.<p>When you want to talk about reconciling, I will be here to listen. I want you to know that "my feelings have not
changed" either.<p>Prayers are with you always,<p>________<p>Gosh this was hard to do! I hope my response was not too harsh. I am so tired to being stepped on!! This is going to be such a painful Christmas!<p>I guess I read too much in to him wanting to come to the house! I just want him back and I want to stop hurting all the time!!<p>Le<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Moving Forward ]</p>

Le --<p>I think your response was TREMENDOUS!
Really really strong -- and the right thing for you and your kids.

I think you response was good. But he may take your comment about HIM DOING IT FOR HIM TO RELIEVE GUILT as a way of trying to EDUCATE HIM on his wrong choices. WS's hate to be told why they are doing what they are doing even if it is true. So don't be surprised if he recants with a not so nice reply of blame or name calling. If he does, just respond with. "As I have stated before, my feelings have not changed either, it would be best for all that other arrangements be made".

Thanks Lexxxy! I sure feel like a weak person even though I may have written a "strong" e-mail! I don't know why he always has to get a last word in!! He could of left well enough alone and tonight would have been fine!<p>Oh well, the kids didn't want him to come over anyway because he always leaves them feeling terrible!<p>Thanks again!<p>Le

Thanks Trying!<p>Plan B is really allot harder than I expected! I have not felt the sense of relief yet! Dr. W. Harley says that will come with time. I guess it's only been 3 weeks.<p>I almost wonder if he didn't tell the OW that he was coming to the house and she freaked out. Maybe this clarifying e-mail was a way to appease her. <p>Either way, I have to be stronger at sticking to Plan B! I am so weak! I thought that maybe this was his attempt as trying to break the ice!<p>Oh Well - One more disappointment!<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Le [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]