Q- should I follow up and provide package of evidence to OM commanding officer?

Thanks to all who responded to my prior post on this topic. I wanted to be sure that all were clear on my feelings on this. I have spent many, many hours of self reflection and mental debate on this issue, aside form all the other things I am forced to deal with following this A. I guarantee that I am anguishing much more over this decision than either my wife or this OM did before entering into their affair. I can fully appreciate the ramifications of this decision. I believe my strong inclination towards following through with this is based on the belief that it is the right thing. The OM had called me and left a message at the time W ended A, stating that he was sorry for any heartache he may have caused and that he did not intend for any of this to happen. He also stated that everyone that is close to him knows about this and that he has informed his CO to expect a package regarding this. Whether this is true or not, I do not know.

I see the facts like this- OM fully knew what he was doing and risked it anyway with out any true regard for me, my marriage and most importantly my boys. He was being very selfish to the detriment of all these things and he selfishly satisfied his needs. He may say and even start to believe that he did have a hard time doing this and did not want this to happen and so on but it did AND he continued up to the point that my W broke it off for fear of losing custody of the kids. I understand that any one would want to believe this of themselves, in this situation, to better validate their unforgivable actions.

My wife also choose to enter into this affair willingly. She also may now regret what she did but it does not change what happened. I don’t know what her ramifications of her actions should or will be. Maybe they will be knowing that her actions caused the OM’s career problems… I don’t know.

My wife and I are currently together in same home and working through this. She states no further contact with OM but does not know what the future holds. It is as positive as I suppose it could be in this situation. She knows of my intent to do this and at first she was very hostile over this and was willing to do anything to protect him, as it seems many WS are. It appears she has now come to grips with it and states that she understands that I need to do what I need to do. How it will affect us and our M, I do not know but I do think it will be very telling. Regardless, I feel I have to do what is right and using it as a bargaining pawn is not. Holding it over his head is not. I think it needs to be dealt with by all. It is not up to me to decide what the ramifications he will face through the military will be; if nothing comes of it fine and if it ends in a dishonorable discharge than that is the consequence of his actions not mine.

As some alluded to, regret does not absolve one of blame, guilt or the consequences of their actions. I am glad there appears to be regret on both their parts, it tells me that at least maybe they are growing as emotional beings and learning form this experience but it does mean they get a Get Out Jail Free Card. To not go through with this is like saying “boy that was a mistake, gee sorry, let’s just all forget about it”.

Any comments, as I am still absorbing?

Has your wife written a no contact letter to OM?

I'm a firm believer in "play the role, pay the toll," but sometimes the toll is best served from within. For what it's worth, I say focus on your marriage recovery and let time inact justice on OM. He is not the problem. You and your wife are. He was just the drug of choice.

In order to help you decide, please consider how spilling the beans to inact justice will affect your marital recovery? What is more important to you? Being right or being married?

WAT

Weeble -

I could have done the same thing. I thought long and hard about it. Boy am I GLAD that I did not 'turn him in'. Why?

1. When I released it to God it was truly gone...

2. My W sees what kind of man I am - a man with flaws, but a man who tries to do the right thing

3. No possible repurcussions from OM

4. If OM knows you have this info, it might be the additional incentive needed to maintain NC.

I'm sure there are other reasons, but these came to mind first.

IMHO, be the bigger man and let it go. Work on YOU.

Gib

<small>[ January 02, 2003, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</small>

The other man contacted you, and said he knows that you have all the info. I see it as regret on his part, also it could be that he did tell his higher command about the situation, and not. One thing for sure is what he says, is not to be taken seriously.

He lied, your wife lied.

To put this under the rug and just walk away, could be okay. But what about honesty? What about the truth being told, so no one is someones dirty secret? If telling, were to wreck your marriage, wouldn't it be better to know that being honest is not important to her, that she would rather have a lie kept secret? On the other hand, if both of them were to really show remorse and guilt telling would be acceptable. He in his own way, showing remorse and guilt. Maybe that is enough. I have mixed feelings. I would rather want to know that my wife will stand by me if honesty is presented. That shows you that she is really remorseful, and feels guilt, and loves you. If she walks away from you, who is more important, you or the OM? Things to think about.

Is there any way, that you can find out if he really told his higher command about the situation? Not that it makes any difference, but just wondering. Getting into military records I assume is difficult. I think in this situation Honesty is #1.

Faith4me,

You sum it up well. Is his calling regret? Did he really tell anyone? Who knows, does it really matter? I know the first time I talked with him, I got him by mistake as I was trying to call his wife to let her know what was going on. This was on Thanksgiving weekend when my W choose to be with him over myself or worse yet her kids and he choose to allow this as her “best friend”. He was not so remorseful and apologetic then. He had all kind of attitude and denial for me. Granted I was not the calmest either and I caught him off guard but he was like this because neither he nor my W really knew just how much proof I had and just how much I really knew.

It was not until my wife got the court order giving me emergency custody that they knew that in fact I had something on them. This was a solid week or more after my first contact with OM. He could have called and apologized any time following the first conversation but he did not. Instead he called just hours after my W called him and told him that I defiantly knew and to stay she could not see could no longer see him right now because she could not risk her kids. So what does this say? To me and any other logical person it says that the biggest regret he has is that he got caught and it was by someone who would hold him accountable. Again I have taken all this out of my decision because it is a bigger issue than that.

It is not up to me to decide what happens to him as a result of his actions. To not follow through on the hard things when I know it is what is right despite possible further loss to me or my M would not make me a bigger man, as some say, but a much smaller and weaker man. Further what would I be showing my boys, myself or society if not standing up for my beliefs and convictions?

If my W and this OM truly have remorse and guilt then this will not affect anything that has not already been affected. Someone who truly has remorse and guilt does not blame others for the consequences of their own actions.

~An honest man does the right thing even though no one else is watching.

Weeble,

And a stupid man puts himself at the mercy of a man he has greatly wronged. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

As I said on your other thread, as a citizen, I recommend he be turned in. It is up to your W to deal with the consequences he faces and she faces. They both thought it was cute and that they wouldn't get caught. His family is apparently ruined and it remains to be seen if yours is.

By the way, I do hope you have done a lot of reading here. You have a lot of work to do to rebuild your marriage. Yup, I know it isn't fair, but it usually falls to the BS to get the ball rolling.

God Bless,

JL