this is more a poll than a guestion.i am wondering how WS actually had a sexual reltionship with other person.and maybe what genders are more inclined.i see alot of post on here from ws and bs that talk of a EA.so what prevented the A from going the distance.was it morals(hard to belive that),oportunity,or what.
wy wife ,to this day,still maintians only a EA.and it is possible.only they know the truth on that one.however,her rerasons for not was simply she was not ready.but she was ready to run off and leave her kids,house,job ,family basically everthing for him.she wanted to go away for a weekend with him ,they looked at engagment rings,talked about having children of their own,she told him he made her feel happier than she had ever felt with me(i heard that with my own ears)so why wasn't she ready for that.(sex)
the kicker for me is i question OM on this issue.he said they didn't not have sex but both wanted to.however it didn'tfeel right.not that i really believe him,but he admitted it did not feel right sneaking around but did it anyway.so where does the morrals fit in here.
i will have doubts about this and i'm sure it hinders recovery for me.i cant prove either way so i cant say she is lieing.my fear is finding out down the road its a lie.i've made it clear that finding out now ,from her willnot end the marraige,no change.yet if the affair is mentioned in any way the first words from her mouth is"yea,but i did'nt have sex".like she is convincing her self.even though it wasn't mentioned.
one more issue is she is convinced i cheated years ago.i know better but 10 years later it kinda hard to prove anything.so when d-day came around that issue was on the table. her words"you did it so can i".i said fine you got even.her words agian"i hav'nt begun to get even."now she is convinced i had sex,and she is getting even,so ,,,well its simple math.is she waiting for a confession from me.its ganna be along wait.there has been times i felt like just saying it.just get it over with.i have been hounded over this for years.every fight,there it was.i called it her weapon.it would end a fight in a hurry.and she had the upper hand.would'nt have been bad if i had actually don this,but to be punished for years and then she cheats with that as a motivation,and she is wrong.it realy hurts.
this sex issue really gets to me.i have lots of reasons and motivation for thinking she did,and only one reason for thinking she didn't.her word!
oh,on a positive note ,i no longer hear of my "wrong doings" anymore.so something good came out of this.maybe is shoud ahve pushed her into a A years ago,saved my self years of hounding!

You know Rob, in the fog the OP and Ws' can have a warped interpretation of s3x. ex: Clinton...... ya know?!?!?

So you are right to be a bit confused, comparing what she did but no act?!??! OM is a basket case also.... now do you really believe he can hold it that long!?!? Nah..... remember you can fool some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time. OM must think you are nuts.

You know better. Are you prepared if it really went farther than they said? I know this is hard to hear but if you read most accounts here, getting the truth from the WS is like pulling teeth. Especially when it is not voluntary.

JMHO,
L.

I had what I call an EA with someone online. I would never have gone to a PA 'cause it wasn't s3x I needed, it was attention.
My friend had what she calls an EA with her boss, She says it wasn't a PA 'cause all they did was kiss and heavy duty making out no s3x.
I believe that any affair that has any physical contact including 'just kissing' is more than an EA.

Well here's my two cents for whatever it's worth...
If I am reading your post correctly...you were a WS ten years ago...she a Bs...now you are a BS and she a WS...

And if I am reading this correctly...it sounds like there wasn't a lot of real healing and working through both of your issues from your affair...

From what you posted she held your digressions over your head like a weapon...but you continued to live in this environment and so permitted things to continue that way...

And no big suprize here you both are today...
using affairs as weapons that are hindering any type of building blocks that can bring you two back together...

I think that you need to read up on the idea of radical honestly...which applies to you regardless of your spouses actions...that if you two get trapped in this cyclic power struggle over who had more physical contact...and you did this so I did that...etc...then where will it get you? Nowhere but stuck in a bitter battle...

You need to come clean about your affair, we should never view ourselves as having and holding weapons over our spouses heads...that is not a marriage in which two people are cherishing one another.....
Take a look at you feeling that is what your wife did to you for years (heald a weapon over your head)...so you must be even more careful not to do the same back to her...remember that the "known" is always less scarey than the unknown...and this definately includes patterns in communication...

Defuse her ability to say she did what she because it is what you once did...come clean and lay it all on the table of your own actions...Be fully accountable for yourself and your actions...regardless of her behavior....that is a huge part of Plan A...

Remember also that men often view the physical acts of infidelity the hardest to overcome and the most painful...and women may have a harder time dealing with the fact that their men were so emotional, communicative, and 'sweet' to their OW...and find that to be more of betrayal than the physical part...

you end your post by saying...

oh,on a positive note ,i no longer hear of my "wrong doings" anymore.so something good came out of this.maybe is shoud ahve pushed her into a A years ago,saved my self years of hounding!

Actually Rob you volunteered for the years of hounding...by deciding that to be hounded was better or safer than really dealing with/addressing the real issues and seeking true reconcilliation...your issues must be addressed here as well...
This is not your long awaited road to freedom..this is your wakeup call that you are accountable for you...and a huge red warning flag..that you must address within yourself to really heal...

get sucked into did he did she...did you did I...he said she said..I said...cycle and you will find yourself no where new next week, next month, or possibly even next year...

much luck to you Rob...
ARK

Once my H said he was telling me the complete truth I asked him to take a polygraph, it cost $550 it was well worth it. Problem is you can only ask 3-4 questions and have to all be on same subject. I too couldn't wait around waiting for the other shoe to drop.

well ark,i do understand what you say.and i did what i could to fix things then,the biggest problem is there was no other woman.the affair i had was with a job.i'm not ashamed to say that i loved the job more than my wife ,at that time.it was fog on my part and i know that.when it became an issue i quit the job.NC.in fact from that day on i vowed to never let a job come before my family.i've walked from several jobs that wanted to control my life ,but then she complained cuz i gave up a good job.no win!the issue of other woman didn't surface until years later.i worked alot and there was women that worked there,she just assumed.4 years after i had no way of proving anything and she knew this.
yes i allowed the hounding to go on.i felt bad for this,and felt it was my juty to take it.just as we advise other WS to stand by their BS and accept the consecenses.this is what i did.i took it for her.and where did it get me.
she convinced herself that i cheated with another woman and knew i couldn't prove any other way.and she used this to end any argument we had.when it came up i shut up.the only options were to take it or leave.and naturaly when her affiar surfaced ,that was the main defence.it was her weapon know matter how you cut it.it hurts that she was getting even for something that i didn't do.its not like i'm saying i didn't have sex i'm saying there was no other woman.period!i've answered every question she has asked,i acounted for every move i made then and after.i thank you for you input and your honesty.
to the others,thank for you repsonces.i know they have lots of kissing,i know she was alone alot with him.i know she had more than 15 drinks one night with him.(after a year of no drinking mind you).i know she made a comment to me about going parking,i know she was getting even(for the wrong things though),they talked about kids and marriage ,she told him she loved him on front of me,she has made comments wondering if i wondered what another person would feel like(sexually speaking),and i'm to just accept her word that she didn't have sex.there was oportunity and motive.

Personally I feel that you have more to worry about if your W is in an EA than if she had just had sex.

Aside from that, I think you are being played the fool. Up to you to decide if you want to believe her and OM story about no sex. Like not having sex would make this easier. But then it really doesn't matter if recovery is what you are after.

Always assume the worst in any type of affair. Then decide if you can get past that. If you decide you can forgive her and want recovery, then drop it and move on. Always remembering that recovery is not up to you alone. Actually not up to you at all with the exception of your actions from D-Day forward.

Best wishes

Rob,
Sorry for the misinformation on my part...I thought you were talking about a past affair with an OW....

I still am concerned with the pattern of problem solving/arguing that you two engaged in prior to her EMR. blanket statements of blame and accusations and rehashing old digressions don't get any of us any where....

So if I get it now...she is waiting for you to officially confess to a past affair which you did not have....and throws this in your face as to divert attention aways from her and her actions....

Yuck!!...and rob please know that I would never advocate that you even as a "perceived" ws...(perhaps you deserve a new title PWS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) just to keep things straight in my head... or any WS should just take continual blame and punishment for there is no healing in that...accepting consequances for the WS or PWS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> is not equal to accepting cruel pointless stagnating blame...

I still encourage you to find a way...perhaps through counceling to break this communication pattern...

I guess what I am encouraging is to avoid a power struggle at all costs...
what about NO relationship talk...Are you in Plan A ?? and if so are you willing to and capable to Plan A your little heart out??
Perhaps just backing off from all enquiries about her behavior/actions and just being the type of husband you imagine yourself wanting to be...

And Jd and Orchid are right..in the end their actions are done...it is up to you to decide if you want to move forward and away from it...and go from there....

So I suggest no realtionship talk..assume the worst and you decide...

ARK