You remember my previous post back in February when I was determined that this was it, that I was finally going to move out, but that I reconsidered after having had some sort of anxiety attack at the property agent's.
Well, guess what happened the other day. Here I was again, determined to separate & to move out. Found a flat, already paid the deposit, but... In the evening, before I was supposed to move out, I just broke up again. I was in a real bad shape. I mean, it's getting really ridiculous and pathetic, but I just couldn’t help it. Why do I have to suffer that much? Why do I have to move out to live in a hole somewhere, whilst WW continues to live with daughter in our very nice house, thank you very much? It's just wrong, it's unfair and it's too tough on me.

But then yet again: How do I rate the prospect of staying?

On the positive side: we really have good moments together, when we watch a movie or have dinner or just chat about something or laugh about something. Or, when we are all the three of us together, a real family, and when we are proud of each other. That gives me hope. Also, WW found a place at a nearby university to get her trained as a music teacher - which is very good, as it broadens her social circle, increases her confidence in herself, and enables her in the medium term to get a fairly decent job.

On the negative side: Keeping me in the loop of what she does, thinks, etc? Nada. (e.g., I didn’t know about her university thing until she told me). Touch/affection/sex? Niente. Just asking how I am doing, just calling me, or just initiating something for our relationship? Nope. It's as if our relationship never existed, doesn’t exist and certainly will not ever exist again. I'm shut out of her system for good, emotionally, physically. A consequence of her ignoring me is that she doesn’t even get angry anymore or blaming me - remember, the first 9 month or so after d-day I was basically her punching bag. Now, it's just zen-like calm. I sometimes sob at night like a baby and can't sleep - and she sleeps through like a baby, totally unfazed, cool and relaxed. It's only me who initiates R-talk; she only engages reluctantly into R-talk and all discussion goes back to the golden oldies "it's all about the differences how we were brought up" (read: it's in our genes that we are not compatible - sorry mate, but I wont even bother to try), "currently, I cant give you anything as I am weak/don’t feel anything for you" (read: bugger off, you're history), and "You were never happy with me, I cant make you happy" (read: And guess what, it will be in your best interest. You should be grateful for me betraying you & finishing the relationship). Also, I took daughter for a walk the other day....to find WW in a phone booth!! Arghhhhh!!

Why is it so hard for me? Why can't I just let go, call it a day and walk away? Is it hopeless, but is she only too kind to tell me to bugger off? For heaven's sake: D-day was 14 months ago, I was betrayed and didn’t get a lot of ENs fulfilled the two years before D-day. And yet, and yet.... despite having reasons enough to say "that's it", I just cant walk. Something is keeping me attached to her, our family.

<small>[ May 30, 2003, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Nick-

Man, I feel for you brother...this must be so difficult to handle what with a child and all. One thing to keep in mind though is that the past you're holding on to so tightly is probably not near what you deserve. It sounds like you've gone a long time without the kind of support a true partner would provide. Just don't sell yourself short Nick, there are lots of good women out there that can be everything you imagined you'd want in a spouse.

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 08:37 AM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

Nick

I am so sorry you are struggling - I was wondering recently how you were doing.

I have always said, I think you will just know when you have to move on. I think you have come very close, but you still have some hope left that the situation might change.

Litchfield is right though - don't sell yourself short. Don't let your W use you in a situation which clearly suits her. You deserve better, either from her or someone else.

Take care friend, and wishing you well from sunny north London.

Lisa

Nick -- I don't post much anymore, but your post and your situation touched me. It is hard and it is unfair that you are in the situation you are in with your WW.

It is so incredibly hard to let go. I cannot claim that I have completely let go, but I am almost there. What I can tell you is that getting away physcially and mentally from the source of the continued pain (WW or WH) does help your own mental state and sense of self worth.

I can look at your posts over the last year and see that, in many ways, you are still in the constant up and down pain that you were in months ago.

I cannot tell you that separation will result in the restoration of your M. It is not likely to yield that result in my case. I can tell you that separation will give you the perspective you need to make a decision about your life. Your old M is dead. It took me a long time to face that. You may or may not have the opportunity for a new M, but you will have NO opportunity for it if you continue on with the current situation.

Your WW is simply not willing to face reality. She is not willing to work on your M. I know from experience that it is very hard to acknowledge this situation and even more difficult to extract yourself from it.

I know the situation is not made easier by the fact that you have a daughter you dearly love and you do not want to jeopardize that relationship.

You've discussed it before on this forum, but I do think you need to re-examine how a separation would occur. I know you've been to the solicitor and I know the change in your living and financial situation are unfair to say the least.

For the past several months I was fixated on how unfair it was that I was going to lose my beautiful home (that I cannot afford to stay in by myself), how unfair it was that WH and OW are disrupting my professional career by being the same field/small professional circle, and how unfair it was that he had wasted two years of my life. I am finally to the point where I can say to myself, it's only money or a house or a career. I can start over and do better. Yes, it continues to be unfair, but no, I do not have to focus on it.

Nick, I am going to be a little bit harsh here. You've been through hell and back the last 15 months. Your WW has not changed one bit for the better. Your WW is still living in a fantasy land. Nick is dying. He has set aside himself for so long he cannot see anymore how to make his life better without this woman.

I hated it when people told me to "move on with my life". I won't tell you that now. I do think you need to move forward without her right now. Nothing else is working. Being kind and understanding is not yielding the results you hoped for and you are enabling her to continue with her charade of a life and enabling her to continue hurting you and your daughter.

We're not professionals here and our advice is amatuerish at best, but IMHO, it is time for a change for you Nick.

The world is a beautiful place (for the most part), there are other woman out there that could provide love and understanding, you will experience joy again -- it is so hard to see until you remove yourself from the daily pain.

It's hard to let go of a dream, but the choice is to continue to live a nightmare or start a new dream.

Nick the reason why you are having all these feelings MAY have to do because, to paraphrase Lisa in London's title thread, a way of life is ending. Your heart has not yet gotten the message that your head has, and it's kicking and screaming at you not to take the actions that will forever change your life. You have to be the judge and decide which is right, your heart or your head?

If you are looking for fairness in this whole mess you won't find any. But one thing you can be certain of, one day your stbxWW will reap what she has sown. Trust me, I have seen it not only in my situation but in the lives of others as well. It's poor comfort I know, but a fact nonetheless.

Unsureheart...that was brilliant. I'm going through exactly what Nick is, and I am only 7 months after D-Day. However, I have experienced, with great pain and humiliation, the emotional rollercoaster ride. I have two children (10 & 4) who were their father's pride and joy. If he sees them once a month, that is a lot. Of course, I'm to blame for everything that has happened in his life and if I wasn't this way or looked that way, he wouldn't have started the A. Pretty lame, but, I allow him to talk to me thus, therefore, creating the emotional storm.

I have taken a giant step...I contacted my attorney to begin divorce proceedings. I hoped and prayed that H would change. I did the Plan A thing, I did the Plan B (to no success) and I'm just tired. Yes, everyone says "Go on with your life, and forget about him", but I just can't erase 15 years and the good "man" I once married. However, I've come to realize that that man does not exist anymore and I cannot look fondly on the goodtimes in our relationship, as they are the very same memories which make me weak and continue making me "beat" myself up over this. I know there is more out there, but I continually question myself. I tried to be beautiful for him, then realized, it doesn't matter, it is not there anymore. I tried to be a different person than what I am...then I realized, it is not there anymore. I tried, I tried and I tried...and I have finally realized, after 7 months...it is just not there.

Nick, this is not to say that I do not still love my H or that I will ever forget him, but our WS often become immersed in their little fantasy. They neglect the world around them; especially their spouses. In the past, my H would be the first person to comfort me if I shed a single tear, now it is like he purposefully incites me, so that I shed a river. Why? Because of their selfishness. Nick, be strong. It is the most difficult attempt you will ever make in your life. I cry for my children every night and wonder, "Doesn't he see what he is doing to THEM?" You know what, he won't and neither will your wife, until they emerge from their little game (that eventually will get old). Move forward with the knowledge and the comfort that did have done absolutely everything to try and save it. I will take this advice with me, albeit with a heavy heart.

Nick, just bumping up to see how you are doing.

Lisa

Many thanks for your replies and support. You know, your answers came not as a great surprise to me. But knowing in my head what I have to do, and carrying the emotional burden of actually doing it, are two very different things indeed. USH, you were spot on. Using your words, I can really say

<strong>
Yes, it's hopeless as long as WW doesn&#8217;t face reality or wants to save the relationship. Yes, the resulting changes (in lifestyle, with regard to daughter's environment) will be tough - for all. Yes, I have been through hell and back the last 15 months. No, my WW has not changed one bit for the better. Yes, Nick is emotionally dying from starvation. Yes, I have set aside myself for so long I cannot see anymore how to make my life better without this woman.
</strong>

And, karena, your words are very true too:

<strong>
but I just can't erase 15 years &#8230;... I tried, I tried and I tried...and I have finally realized, after 7 months...it is just not there.
</strong>

Well, I have tried for at least 3.5 years&#8230;. 2 years while the affair was on (only that I didn&#8217;t know it&#8230; and therefore simply couldn&#8217;t understand why everything I was trying to do was rebuked, ignored, twisted around) and a good year plus a few months after I've found out.

You know what - yesterday I've realised that during the last 6.5 years (age of our daughter) my wife complemented me NOT ONCE on being a good dad. It was all mistakes here, why-did/don&#8217;t-you there. I never had a chance to succeed. Either this or I'm Attila the Hun, which I think I'm not. All these things start to sink in now, and it makes me incredibly sad. WW asked - why are you so sad? Is it because your life isn't going according to a standard script? As if that mattered. Of course, the opinion of others matters, but more importantly it's about time lost which I've invested in the past, it's about broken dreams, it's about shattered hopes, it's about being the victim of the biggest betrayal someone can do to you - aggravated by the fact that that someone is the one who you thought is the closest person you have on earth.
I have some good friends who know what's going on and who try to cheer me up. That really helps. Apart from that, I find it sometimes incredibly difficult to see, how to get out of this hole, really. Sometimes, it's the little joys in life, which keep me going, like having a good meal or something. But mostly, I'm not denying it, I'm fairly miserable, frustrated, angry, sad, misunderstood and irritated.

Again guys, all what you wrote is true. But as I've said: even given all this, walking away is still very, very tough. I mean, you don&#8217;t walk away from a family, from a 12 year relationship (our first!), from the wife I've spent most of my adult life with, just like that.

But if it has to be, then - well, it has to be. No wishful thinking on earth will bring me back my family.

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Bad day yesterday. LB'ed massively. But I just cant stand it anymore when she talks of how beautiful her relationship is, how screwed up I/my mum/sister is, how we never really fitted together, how it's in our 'cultural' genes that we just don&#8217;t belong with each other. Well, thank you very much for screwing & betraying me the last ten years then. And this morning, cuddled in bed, and, well, did it.

Anyhow. Separation is proceeding - on equal terms. Real estate agents come in next week to value the house, I'm progressing with the paperwork of the separation.

I'm still hopeful - but under current circumstances it will just be groundhog day all over, and no real change. Maybe separation will help. And if not, well, then we'll be separated anyway, wont we.

Oh Nick

I'm sorry to hear that things are still so bad for you. Yes, you must protect yourself, you really must. Believe me I know how horrible all this stuff is, but is it worse to be stuck in a M full of blame, deciet, lies and heartache? Do you think you deserve better? I know how much you love your W and value your family life and D, but this constant emotional battering seems deeply unfair and destructive to me.

Take care of yourself, and wishing you well from sunny North London.

Lisa

Boy Karena,
You hit that right on as far as how I have felt.
I fixed myself up for years, everyday before my H came home from work. I always tried to look nice for him, for him to be proud of me.
I have tried everything, from trying to be a more understanding wife, to less nagging more complimentary of him.
I have begged him, let him know he is loved and needed, etc.
He is like you H.
He also adored his 12 and 8 year old daughters.
He sees them at softball games for 1 1/2 hours a couple times a week, and that is them playing the game, not one on one time.
That is plenty for him.
He is out of there fast after the game, got to get to the gym to work on his body.
He does have a very nice one, but, come on, we are 40 now, there is more to life than yourself.
Our oldest daughter said to him, dad, we need to spend the night with you sometime. He actually said to her, oh yeah, I never thought of that.
He has been out of the house for 9 weeks. They have spent the night with him two times, not even a full 24 hours.
He tells them, they can only come on a weekend night. So, what happens when we get a divorce??
He can't take them during the week. That would interefere with schedule. Geez, wonder if I have any time issues??
I have just started calling attorneys, but have not yet made an appointment.
I called one yeterday, who I have heard is very well known. You have to put down $5K before she will even meet you. Is this normal practice?

Just wanted to let you know I know how you feel.
I too am still so in Love with the H I had.
I guess I'm in a fantasy land too. His voice is the same, he looks the same, but whatever took over him is not.
He is right at home at DisneyWorld!
KEB

Nick - Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. The constant comparison and, frankly, cruelty of WW's statements lead me to believe that a separation will be better for you right now. It's a risk and I know how much you've tried to save your M, but you really do not deserve this continued harangue about your family and her comparisons to the OM.

Peace.

Hey Nick,
I haven't been around much, but ran into this thread of yours and felt I could add something.
This is a post I made to NGTDT a few weeks back, regarding "how do you separate/divorce?". Maybe you'll find something useful here:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am sorry you are hurting so; I know exactly how you feel and how frustrating it is.

I guess the short answer to "how do you do it?" is that we must find the way to break our emotional bond to the WS as soon as possible. It is only by doing this that we are able to think more clearly, and make decisions that are "real" and not based on emotion.

Easier said than done, I know. For me, the process was a long and painful one, but one which has allowed me to reach this point where I am now. I am in the final days (weeks) of our divorce, and I still love my W, and I still hope we can be together again someday. BUT, I am able to be true to myself, to know what I want, need, deserve, and not compromise on any of those.

I guess the first thing we must realize is that in the moment that the A started, our marriage was over. We may not have known it, which causes us confusion, but the marriage ended right then and there. Since we have to "catch up", if you will, the process is difficult. And since this was a decision made FOR us by the WS, without our participation or consent, it FEELS like that is not the case; it feels like the marriage is not over. But it is. This is something we must find a way to internalize, and accept. Once we do that, then the framework for our survival begins to take shape. But this is very important; we must truly begin to think, plan and "be" un-married.

It's like planning for a catastrophe. What would happen if you lost your job? or if your H died? or any other similar situation that would force you to make significant changes to your life? THAT is how we need to start thinking.

Now who's fault is it? Who's to blame? NOBODY. This is a life event that happens, like any other, like an act of G-d, like an accident...placing blame and fault only serves one purpose: to become a victim, and to escape our responsibility to ourselves and our children from finding solutions. Oh, it may make our ego feel good, to say "he's an SOB!", or she's a B****!", but it serves no purpose except to distract us from the inevitable: that we must find a way to survive and be happy without them, that we must find a way to being whole again.

For me, this started coming in the form of forgiveness. Forgiveness is an often mis-used word. This does not mean we condone what has happened, or the behavior, or that we take alll the blame. Forgiveness is realizing one undeniable truth: that everyone is doing the best that they can do at any given moment with what they have and what they are. Simple as that. If you believe that your H did this "to hurt you", then you should have left him the minute it happened. But I bet he didn't. And I bet you know that.

Once you begin to accept that he, like you, was doing the best he could with what he has, the next step is to begin to understand that he, like you, has the absolute and complete right to do what he wants to do. As YOU do. You cannot tell him what to do, feel, think...as he cannot do to you. We'd sure LIKE to influence this...but we cannot. We want this right for ourselves, and we must accept that if we deserve it for ourselves, everyone deserves it as well. We may not like everything they do, as they don't like everything WE do, but we both have that right. It is the "Law of Choice". And that law states simply that everyone always has the freedom to make his or her own choices, and that we have no right to interfere in those choices.

This does not mean that those choices may not have consequences. They do, as ALL choices do. But that does not mean they can't make those choices. Even if they are unaware of the possible consequences. We make choices like this every day...we don't know if there's an 18-wheeler barreling down out of control around the corner we're just turning into, do we? But we still turn...it may turn out to have been a bad choice to turn, but we were doing the best we could at that moment, and it seemed like a good choice to make the turn.

Yes, I know it feels like this is nonsense, that "HE HURT YOU", but he didn't hurt you. He made choices in his life that he felt were the right choices for him. And he didn't tell you about those choices to give you the oppotunity to make your own informed choices. But you know what? He has that right. AND YOU DO TOO.

So now we come to YOUR choices. You have choices. You can choose to be a victim, blame him for all your pain and all the hurt, hide behind that protective barrier, get angry and have your blood pressure rise, not sleep, cry, get angry, pout, and let his freinds and family know how much of an a-hole he is....which will get you exactly nothing except satisfaction for your ego.

Or you can choose to take back control of your feelings, your life, your happiness, survive this and thrive! It IS a choice you have.

Do you believe that "he made me feel X?"...nobody MAKES us feel anything. What WE feel is in OUR control, unless we choose to give that control up to others.

Why is it that when someone on the highway cuts you off some people get very upset and others don't? Because we each have a choice about how we "react" to the same action. And we react based on past experience, and on many other factors. But clearly this demonstrates that this driver who cut you off did not MAKE you feel anything...if he did, then how come different people he cut off take it differently? If he MADE you feel X, then everyone else shoudl also feel X, right...but HE did not MAKE you feel anything. You processed the action of being cut off differently from another driver, and elicited a different emotional response in reaction to it than the driver beside you...YOU CHOOSE how you feel. Unless, again, you just want to hand everyone around you the power to control your life completely.

Now. Do you choose to accept that what happened just happened? Or do you choose to let it rule your life from now on? It's your choice.

I chose to forgive. I chose to forgive my wife for what she did because I accept that she did what she thought was right for her, and she has the right to make that choice. So I forgave her. Once tat happened, I was "free"....to make MY choices.

Do I want to live with a person who does not love me? Do I want to live with a person who is not respectful of me? Do I want to live with a person who is not committed to me?

No. I don't. But it is my choice. And I have that choice.

Yes; it's hard, it hurts, I cry, sometimes I get angry, sometimes I feel despair...but I always come back to me. The me who has the right to be loved, respected, cared for. And if my W is not the person who does this for me, or if she's not the person I believe might one day do this for me...then it's my choice to move on.

You too have these same choices NGTDT. You just need to find that place inside of you where you know this. Look...search...feel...you can find that place. And it is a good place. A place where you take back your life, your feelings, your responsibility for yourself. And you cease to depend on others to provide you with these things. And you know what? you can love you H MUCH more from that place than from any other place you've ever been at before. But you can also walk away from him...even as you love him...and be just as happy and just as powerful as a person.

I hope that in some small way I may have been able to help. It's a long and hard road; but what you'll find at the end of it is precious beyond description. Have a little more faith in yourself and in what you have inside; because you, like all of us, are a worthy, beautiful being. And you are perfect just the way you are.

All my love!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Blessings!

That's some good stuff SC...the path of forgiveness can be a slippery slope indeed but definitely worth navigating.

Lisa, KEB, USH, Litchfield - thanks for listening & empathising with me. Spacecase - thanks for the post from NGTDT thread. However, I can't fully follow the logic of forgiveness, that everything is about choices, everything is hunky dory and just fine. Well, for me, it's not. Specifically, I can't forgive myself for being so stupid and I can't forgive my wife for betraying and hurting me beyond belief, and finally, I certainly can't forgive OM, that little s**t, for abusing my hospitality, help, trust and support. Maybe one day, I'll be able to, but right now - NO.

Again - heartfelt thanks for your contributions. As stated before, I know what I have to do - but the emotional burden of actually doing it is just so hard. But better an end to the pain than pain without end.

Nick

Nick,
Forgiveness is not anything like you described it, that everything's ok, hunky dory.
Forgiveness is about accepting that there are things we cannot change, and accepting that others are not here for our benefit and happiness. This does not mean that what they do is fair, or right or just. It just means that we accept their right to make their choices, however "wrong" we may feel about them.

Forgiveness won't change the outcome, in the sense that whether you stay or go will not change, what it WILL change is how you feel about it, and whether you continue to have the bitterness within your life or you don't. I'd say we all have a better shot at finding our happiness (together or alone) without that anger poisoning us inside.

I KNOW what you are feeling, Nick. I have felt the very same things for a long time; you know that. I just managed to find a place within myself where I could let go of those things and move on in peace. I hope you can do the same.

Things are happening finally – we are splitting up.

You remember that I tried twice to move out – but each time couldn’t stomach it. My view was that if we split up, then we should sell the house, as I simply cannot afford the house AND a flat for me AND her maintenance AND the child support AND the private school AND what have you. Well, I have lost this battle unfortunately. WW and daughter stay at our house, and I will move out. The house will be sold in a year’s time, after her studies. Whatever.

WW remains cold, distant, and aggressive and under the current circumstances there is absolutely no hope of her ever returning to our relationship. In the contrary – she keeps on disappearing, I don’t know where she is going, what she is doing, I definitely know she is in contact with him, with another one. It still drives me mad and I get very sad about it. Her line of arguments is very firm and she keeps repeating that we simply do not fit with each other, that none of it is really my fault – good bye and thank you very much. After a heated discussion where she accused me of bullying her and after which she claimed she was close to a nervous breakdown, I wrote her the other day a letter explaining my feelings:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Sorry when I seem bullying or aggressive or frustrated. To tell you the truth - I am frustrated. frustrated that all my efforts to reconcile seem futile; angry at my mistakes in the past (which you keep pointing out, thank you, but guess what: I cant do anything about stuff which happened 10 years ago); angry for being blamed about things which are not under my control (like, my mother. or my sister. or that I had to go to the army. or all the other things which somehow I allegedly am responsible for); helpless at your shutting me out of your system; paralyzed at seeing you throwing away our family and our past shared life like a used toilet paper; angry that you never did and don’t want to give me what you only want to give someone else; sad that what could have, might have been instead, may not be possible now. that's enough to make me crazy, mad and hurt beyond belief, to feel myself like the lowest loser on the planet, to run run away and hide hide hide and never come out again.

<….settlement details…..>

I really don’t understand why you are close of a nervous breakdown and suffering - you get everything what you wanted, no? You can continue your affair (without you having to lie to me about it), you get rid of me, and you get a nice financial cushion and you can live in a nice 4 bedroom house for another year.

Well, all there is to say is said. I don’t wish you anything bad. I only hope that one day you will understand...

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She replied:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Everything you wrote I understand. You might say this is blaa blaa blaa, but I really didn't have a strength to find myself with you. I'm working on it. Your picture of world was so clear you could understand everything or at least you were not reacting very sensitively on some things, that I felt always the one who had to struggle ,wasn't clever enough or successful or strong as others and at one moment I felt I'm even making you unhappy (not only because of OM, even before)I couldn't carry on like that forever, especially with responsibility for [daughter].I didn't want to blame you for the past I always said, you are also a product of your parents (a good one), but this is my defense against your blaming, because I think you can't understand me fully to make me feel comfortable with myself. I will never ever forget your generosity and your kindness. How should I? One should make himself happy in order to bring happiness to others. I think I should stop here with blaa blaa as you say.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As you can see from her answer, there’s absolutely no hope, she is adamant to walk that way alone now.

***

Yesterday I made the huge step of telling my mother and sister that we are breaking up. I’ve sent them a letter informing them, and also reminding them that they were not without influence to our marriage – a lot of bad things happened in the past which led my wife to suffer, and they put a lot of strain onto our relationship. I’ve asked them to respect my will of wanting to be alone now, and not to be in contact with them for the time being.

So here I am. Separate bank accounts are opened, deed of separation drafted, and actively looking for a flat now. Wish me luck.

Hi Nick-
Sorry haven't been on this board for a while so I didn't see your last post. I am just popping in occasionally.

I'm sorry about what you are going through. The financial settlement seems absurd. I really don't understand the laws in Great Britain. I don't see why the house can't be sold, the proceeds split and your wife can continue her studies from an apartment. Are you sure your legal advice is good????

I think the panic you are experiencing when you contemplate separation from your wife may have to do with the issues from your childhood regarding the infidelity that ripped your parents to shreds and literally resulted in death. I think on some level, the child in you feels like he can't survive and that is why you are having the panic attacks. Keep reminding yourself that the grownup Nick can survive and stand on his own two feet. The grownup Nick has alot of strengths and resources.

Sorry, I hope I don't sound too much like an amateur psychologist here. I speak from experience though- having weathered a childhood trauma of my own. I found that the stress from that trauma still crops up in my adult life- especially when life is difficult- to undermine me. Understanding the feelings and where they are coming from can help and can lessen the panic.

So when are you moving? Do you definitely have a flat now?

Nick

I just wanted to pop in briefly and let you know I am thinking of you.

This is a terribly difficult time, and I wish I could add something positive to the piece. I do however think that the status quo had to change and many months ago I would say to you, one day, you'll just do whatever you have to.

I agree with Espoir too - is there no way that you can sell the house and share the proceeds? It seems crazy that two of them a living in a 4 bed house. I know you were happy with the advice you got, but so was I until I took further advice and realised that what I'd been told before wasn't relevant in a large way!!!!

I wish you luck I truly do, but I think that maybe once you are out of this destructive situation good luck will come flooding way. You are constantly bogged down by this, and now it is time to recover yourself. Make sure the arrangements with your D are firm and in place so that you can spend as much time with her as you need/want to.

Take care Nick.
Lisa

Thanks for your support

Espoir – even if it sounds like “amateur psychology”, hey – I think it’s spot on. Look, I’ve seen what infidelity can do in a family, and it ain't pretty. That’s surely a reason why I may seem so stubborn in all this, and wanting my marriage back maybe too much, why I tried to stick to it during the last years. But one learns to let go...

You know, over all these years I’ve learnt that there is only one person on this planet who never let me down, who I can trust: Yours truly. I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust another person. That’s a problem I think all BS have, maybe particularly me. But, knowing the problem is the first step of overcoming it.

Lisa - I do trust my legal advice (hey, at £200 per hour it better be good!). No seriously, it’s a premier London law firm specialising in these things, the law is clear in that it only looks at the needs of each against the background of their ability to support him/herself, as opposed to who’s at fault and where the money originally came from.
Look, we had the following choices:
1) She moves out
2) I move out
3) We both move out & sell the house
She refused to 1) and 3), and the only way I could <strong> force </strong> a house sale would be by pushing for a divorce – and I’m not ready for that yet. So it’s me who moves out. But hey, firstly it’s only money and secondly, I’m at a state where I would sign up to anything, just to get out and get my peace.

With regard to the logistics for our daughter, frankly, I haven’t figured it out yet. I just can’t imagine a situation where we all would be happily co-parenting, where daughter would have daddy #1 and daddy #2. Just the thought of him touching her is absolutely, deeply revolting.