Well folks, it's been a while. Little update and then on to the good stuff. Last week I asked the wife if she was changing her mind because we have been getting along so great lately. She said no, she was still leaving. So, I crossed another emotional bridge and began mentally separating myself.

I spent a great majority of the weekend at a motorcycle rally near our house, she wouldn't go. While there I met a girl that I see in the local coffee shop quite often, and we hung out together for a majority of the day. When I got home Sat. night my wife said "I Love You" for the first time in nearly 6 months.

Sunday she tells me that she has changed her mind, she no longer wants to leave, she wants to stay, she Loves me again, has for some time but has been fighting it. Now she's making plans to move all of the new things she bought for her place into our place, remodeling plans, etc.

I know, I know, I should be jumping for joy right now, afterall this is what I've been working for and praying for over the past 6 months. But, she seems to be able to just slide right back into place like nothing ever happened and everything is just back to normal, while I still feel lost and empty. I told her that last week when she said she was still leaving that I closed another door and created more distance to protect myself. She says that's ok, don't rush it, my feelings will return.

So, why is it that now that I have what I've wanted for so long I don't feel overjoyed? I still feel empty and alone. Although her affection and kindness are very much welcome, I just don't feel like I think I should.

I want to thank everyone for getting me to this point, it has been a long hard road and I know I couldn't have done it without all of your support. I know it's not over yet, but it seems that the biggest hill has been taken.

God Bless

TM, what you are feeling is very normal so don't beat yourself for it. Give both of yourselves some time, but consider the two of you following Dr Harley's The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage to help your marriage recover and thrive. Remember that the word recovery not only means marital but personal as well.

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TM:

Well, you are right where I have been for the last few months. My wife has moved back in, and is attempting to take over where she left off. Although there is beginning to be a problem with SF right now, pretty much everywhere else, we are doing well.

But it is surreal to me to watch all of this. How can she just turn one thing off, and start another? All of the questions you asked above, go through my head almost daily.

But you know what? I have found this is natural. As the BS, we have fought a long, hard battle for our marriages. Once the major hill has been taken, we expect to have a party and move on. It is like the Gulf War. We made it to Baghdad, we celebrated. But now, the REAL work begins. And unlike the war, it is going to be a daily grind rebuilding that country and changing people's perceptions. It isnt going to be fun anymore.

So goes it with our "war." The war is over. But now we have to win the peace. Our love for our wives has been severely damaged. A few times a week, I think how much easier it would have been just to divorce and move on to someone, with no baggage between us. I did read a whole section on this website last week, concerning overcoming resentment the link. It seems that what we are feeling is natural, and this too will pass if everyone is committed to moving forward.

I guess I would suggest you get your wife to counsel with the Harley's immediately...to read up on their principles, and to get a plan for recovery. If we can begin to protect our spouses, and they protect us, use POJA, and start meeting needs, I have been assured that all of this will pass also.

So, they were right with the affair and what we needed to do to get our spouses back. I guess it is time for you and I to trust the plan in recovery also.

Oh, by the way...WELCOME TO RECOVERY!

In His arms.

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

The trick in recovery is not to go back to the way things were. If the WS was unsatisfied with the marriage, and you have made changes to address those problems, they may think that they can just continue on as is, and don't need to make any changes of their own other than ending their relationship with the OP. I had no desire to return to the marriage we had pre-DDay or pre-A, because, IMO, it was miserable. Unfortunately, I did not handle the revelation of my dissatisfaction with great tact, and spent a fair amount of time detailing my wife's failings to her before I shut up and stopped destroying what I was simultaneously trying to build. I now think the best way is to try to work toward the vision of a great marriage that we have come to share with the help of Harley's materials, and deal with the problems as they arise, so as not to spend too much time in the past. That can be hard to do, and the changes seem to come slowly, but this is hard, and changes quickly wrought are unlikely to stick. I still have an urge to tell her what she is doing wrong, and illustrate it with numerous examlples from the past, but I am learning - e.g. no: "I was always so low on your priority list, right after work, the kids, your parents, golf, gardening and running, that you never got to me." when the real issue is: "I felt neglected and hurt today when you put off plans we made together so you could do X." Does the present problem trigger memories of similar experiences in the past? Yes. Can those triggers be a big problem for you? Yes. Can you fix them? No, you can only fix what is happening now. Can you talk about them without doing more damage than healing? Sometimes, but it is really difficult. In the case where you over-react to something that happens in the present because of the emotions it stirs about the past, talking about that may help your spouse understand you better, but it will almost certainly bring back a lot of guilt feelings and unpleasant memories, and it is hard to know if that greater understanding is worth the LB withdrawals. For a long time I thought they were, because we obviously lacked understanding of each other and I was not sure exactly how the memories affected my wife, and how big the LB withdrawals actually were. I'm still not sure, but I've had some hints that the price of that understanding was/is too high. And, I actuallly asked WH a related question on his radio show, and he said something to the effect of: "There are better ways to learn more about each other, and much more pleasant subjects to discuss in that effort." In this case I was referring specifically to some of my remaining questions about the affair itself, but I think the principle holds.

TM-

I've got quite a bit to say to you sir. I will work on it and post a bit later. For now, I want to congratulate you on a job well done. I also want to commend you for hanging on and believing in something when no one else did.

What I have to say may help you get off the fence. I'm sure it will at least give you food for thought.

BTW, this feeling of not wanting to continue when there finally seems to be hope is EXTREMELY common. Just so you know.

I am with TMCM on this one. The four rules for successful marriage have done it for us. Care for her, protect her, and spend time with her. I don't know if she will read HNHN yet, but my W is trying, and so am I, and it makes all the difference in the world.

You can also talk about how after all your effort you are somewhat burnt out and need help your self. Love is not magic ( though it seems like it is.) You CAN get it back. It CAN GET BETTER THAN IT EVER WAS BEFORE.

Keep doing the work, it's not quitting time yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">still seeking: "I am with TMCM on this one."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Will wonders never cease? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

She needs to 'Win' you back. Prove she is worthy to be welcomed into your home....not just assume she has the right to move back in.

When she shows you she is worth it and you still have some love left for her, then maybe....just maybe your M has a chance for recovery.

U C, now the shoe is on the other foot.

L.

Thank you all for your comments. It is VERY good to hear that these feelings are "normal". I was beginning to wonder about myself. I just have this empty void right now. I feel guilty because I'm not jumping for joy, and I'm irritated with myself because I'm not showing or feeling the same emotions she is.

Any way, she has done a complete 180 and is now working her butt off. I know much of it will not last (making me breakfast, being excessively nice, over emotional, etc) but it is nice for now. I told her this morning that if she wanted this to work she had to keep being nice to me even when she didn't feel like it, or I didn't act like I appreciated it. She asked me why, and I explained to her that by being nice she would begin to tear down the walls I have put up. Very much the same way that my Plan A tore down her walls. She said she understood and didn't expect everything to change overnight, or for everything to be perfect.

I remember feeling like this a couple of months ago when I told her to GTFO (some of you may remember that) and many of you talked me down and showed me what it was I was fighting for. Late last week I asked her if she had changed her mind because of the way she was acting, she said no. So, I went back in to protection mode and now I feel the same way I did before I gave her another chance. Very scared, very confused and even more alone (I don't understand that one).

Anyway, thanks again to all of you. God Bless.

HI TM -

It's me again.

You're feeling alone because you are alone. Emotionally you have had to handle everything on your own because you wanted to fight for your dreams. That has taken it's toll on you and now that you have accomplished a milestone and that stress of whether or not she will leave is gone, it gives you room to look at your OWN feelings for a change.

I remember the day I first saw you post and you were so unsure about what she was up to. When you faced that she was having an A, you did the right things. You looked inside yourself and figured out your issues. YOu also looked at your wife and realized what hers were. You recognized the places where you both got lost and tried to DO something about it. Guess what, it worked!

So now that the burden of the A is off your shoulders, you are now taking on the challenge of changing the patterns and conditions that lead there in the first place. You're afraid because for the first time, there is hope yet if you allow yourself to feel it, it may overwhelm you if she leaves again.

The fears are normal, but man, YOU can do this. You don't want to be fighting over custody of your kids. You don't want to be fighting over the house. You really need to think about what you REALLY want. Envision it in your mind and then stick to that goal.

You know in your heart how to get there. It's not going to be easy. Was it easy plan-a'ing her even thought she was seeing someone else? No. You did it for that dream. Don't give up on it now.

Thanks Kily, you were one of the one's that kept me grounded and brought me back last time. Things are starting to fall back into place, it's just taking longer than I had expected to. She has become EXTREMELY jealous and wants to know my whereabouts every minute. On one hand it's nice to see her care again, but on the other I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

She has opened up her e-mail account to me without me asking, and says if there's anything else I want all I have to do is ask.

Thanks again for sticking by me through all of this. I never thought I'd get to this point, and sure never thought I would have the patience or strength to hold out this long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"She has become EXTREMELY jealous and wants to know my whereabouts every minute."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TM am I the only one that noticed that your W's sudden change of heart came a day after you spent most of the day with the girl from the local coffee shop?

And who would notice that he spent time at the local coffee shop????

Why, Coffeeman himself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yup, fear and greed are powerful things.

JL

JL, your right, that was quite an observation from 2MCM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Do the 2 have anything in common? I'm sure they do. She is very jealous now, and has asked about the coffee shop girl a few times. Now she's laying down boundries and rules, etc. I think this is a good thing, after all that means she cares right? Well, if not she sure does act like it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have a good weekend everyone, and hopefully you will see Mrs. TM94 on here soon.