Yet, i am still having problems being there emotionally and physically for my H. I know people talk about being in the fog, but I seriously don't think that i'm there. I haven't spoken with OM in about a month, i don't miss him or crave to hear from him. I just don't have the urge to hug, cuddle, kiss and be with my H... It's like i'm not attracted to him any more... how do i get that feeling again... We haven't shared moments like those in over 5 yrs... how do u fall back in love?

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: FeelinGuilty ]</small>

From everything I have heard, there is a recovery period, where you will not be attracted to your spouse. I don't know about five years -- my experience is that the WSs alter history a bit to fit their current circumstances. Give it time.

FeelinGuilty


When you break off an affair, there is a period of mourning over the loss of the relationship. It sounds like that is what you are going through – a period of mourning. One month with NC is not very long. I would encourage you to not break the promise of NC.

You are trying to regain feeling for your husband that you once had. It takes time before the old feeling come back. Both you and H should make every effort to meet the others emotional needs. There is an EN questionnaire in the articles by Harley on the main web page. It maybe be helpful for you and H to take the questionnaire and share information about your emotional needs.

There is an expression that AA uses in their 12-step program. “Fake it until you can make it.” It means that in the beginning your “emotions” will feel strange and unnatural. But over time you will begin to feel “normal” again. The way to feeling normal again is to act the way you should feel until it becomes natural.

Recovery takes approximately 2 years +/_. It depends on how honest you can be with your H about the A. It also depends on how non-threatening: non-judgmental your H can be toward you.

Just because you don’t feel emotionally or physically attached to your H today does not mean that you will feel that way in a week, month, or a year from now. The feeling of love will return…have no doubt.

Beau

Have you read Dr Harley's 'Surviving An Affair'? The way Sue (the WW) regained her love for Jon (the BH) was by BOTH of them avoiding all love busters (angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, independent behavior and annoying habits) and following The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage , with special emphasis on The Rule Of Time . But it's also going to take a lot of patience and committment on the part of BOTH, but if you two are up to the challenge, then it is possible for the two of you to fall in love.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FeelinGuilty:
<strong> Yet, i am still having problems being there emotionally and physically for my H. I know people talk about being in the fog, but I seriously don't think that i'm there. I haven't spoken with OM in about a month, i don't miss him or crave to hear from him. I just don't have the urge to hug, cuddle, kiss and be with my H... It's like i'm not attracted to him any more... how do i get that feeling again... We haven't shared moments like those in over 5 yrs... how do u fall back in love? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">U R craving the OM more than you think. Also if you think you don't find your H attractive, what are you doing to make yourself attractive to him? Look who is damaged goods here (sorry to be so blunt but really).

You have to work at your M. It is past the lovey dovey stage. Real love takes work, effort, caring, patience, loyalty, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness.....self-control. Sound familar?

Now stop expecting your 'feelings' to do you right. You have seared those tender feelings by having an A. But you do have the option to restore your M with your love.

The question is what are you doing for your M?

L.

Thank you everyone for the feedback, I truly appreciate it.

I realize that most of the problems with my marriage at this point are due to me. He wants to hold me, hug me, kiss me, but everytime he makes a move to do so... i get cold and do something to avoid him doing those things. He's getting extremely frustrated because I don't want him to and he's said that it feels as if i'm rejecting him. Which I guess I am.

I really really wish that I could return the affection and emotions the way he wants me to.

What am I doing for my M? In my mind, I have been trying to understand what and why it is that I was able to do all of the with the OM and not with my H. Like I said, we have not really been affectionate together in over 5 yrs... way before the OM. Now that my H knows about the A, it seems like that's all he wants to do and he never wants me out of his sight. With the exception of coming to work... I have no time away from him. It just feels like he's suffocating me. He explains it as he feels like he's loosing me and the only way to keep me is to keep me in his sight. I tell him that he's pushing me away even more.. at least mentally...

We go to MC once a week.. but i'm thinking of seeking IC for myself as I know I have alot of painful issue of my childhood that I need to deal with.

Hi FeelinGuilty,

IC for yourself is a really good idea. You can talk about your past, including the history you have with your H that led up to your A.

It seems like there could be resentment that has built up over the years, and that could be why the two of you quit showing each other affection over the years.

My H's reaction was exactly the same after DDay. (I'm the WS.) He would not let me out of his sight, and was physically "all over me." I felt smothered, but at the same time, the contact between him and me brought us closer and comforted both of us.

I know you feel numb right now, but I always say, "If you don't give any hugs, you won't get any hugs." Maybe you could use a few? Maybe it wouldn't hurt to hug your H back. You might be surprised that warm feelings could start up again.

Good luck and God bless.