I had a good day yesterday - don't know what happened to today!!!! First of all I totally blew up at H. We had a huge, catastrophic fire (6 fire truck type of thing) in one of our buildings 3 weeks ago. The blow up was about insurance settlement stuff. What he said wasn't even a huge deal - but it set me off - yelling, cussing, even threw something (my calculator). I'm not usually so explosive. Forget about no LBing. I probably broke every rule in the book with this one. (Then I slammed the door and went to my first MC session - which was alright - a good start)

Things were back to OK this evening until I overheard a phone call to his (H) best friend that H called OM and left a little message with him. Apparently it was professional- basically told him he better not mess with his family any more ever again - he is now to become non-existent as far as he is concerned. (I think I have no need to do an NC now - he's done it for me) Of course, it totally pissed me off!!! I told him that later, because I am trying to be honest with my feelings and him. I told H nicely that I understood what he did, but that it made me angry. We had a decent talk at first, but then I said "well, he still has to get the rest of his stuff off our property, remember" (he has a couple cars and a truck load or so of stuff. H's reply was "too bad, it's his loss!" Of course I flew off the handle again - not like earlier, because I realize how wrong I am in this situation, but I can't help but defend OM over H. Of course H got upset that I am defending OM. Reminds me how sensible he is being in light of this whole situation, and all I can do is clamp my mouth shut and wish that I had NO ONE in my life except the kids - No H, No OM, NO ONE!!!!!!!! That would be so much easier (not really - I know I am just being irrational, but that's what I am feeling right now!!!)

Am I ever going to stop getting so pissed off so fast?????? Will I ever stop caring about OM more than H. I am obsessing over OM less and less every day, but a huge part of me says that even though I will never see him again, I will always hold a very dear place in my heart for him, and can't let any one hurt him. Will that subside with time???? Can I ever stop pushing H away over this one???? I wish I could see H putting a little more effort into the relationship a little quicker - he's been sick, (and he's worse than the 3 year old when he's sick), so I am trying to cut him some slack.

GOD THIS IS HARD!!!!!!!!!!! Any input would be appreciated!

Felina

Felina,

Despite your temper tantrums, your questions are good. I am glad to see that there is some sense in you to keep going in the direction of what is right.

Have you been to the doctor and asked for any meds? These episodes about you thinking more of the OMs defense than your family's (remember your H and children are a package deal), should not be tolerated by your H. So you need to work on it. Meet with your doctor and counselor. Get some options. Stay focused on your family and keep busy.

As for the OM getting anything (material or otherwise), don't worry about it. RE: everytime you put the OM's interest ahead of your family's, it is a stab and an abandonment attack against your family. Do you see it that way? You should.

Keep posting here. Let us know how it goes at the doctor's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Orchid, thanks for the reply. I did talk to the counselor briefly about temper tantrums, he said we have to figure out the trigger, and we will be working on that. As far as seeing the Dr. I hadn't thought of that. It's a good possibility. My H says I should take St. John's Wort (he takes tons of that every day) does anyone have any experience with that? I have a strong resistance to taking perscription meds, just because a lot of my family are medicated for mental illnesses. (Don't want to be like them, you know) So I hadn't given it any thought - maybe I will see what the Doc says anyway. 50% of the time, I'm all for the M, the other 50%, I could care less (that's always after he pisses my off). I really want him to do the questionarres so I can try not to LB, and I can let him know mine - I have a feeling, though, It will be another week before he does them - that's just his timeline on stuff. Never did put full, immediate effort into changing things. Everything else comes first, which lead us to here in the first place - I have to say, I am quite resentful that he still hasn't done this, even though he's been sick - I still think he could have at least started.

Thanks for advice on OM. It helps. Doesn't make anything easier. I have decided to take OM's stuff to a neutral place. Once it's there, OM can pick it up without seeing either of us. I can't have it stay here anyway, because seeing it reminds me of OM too much. Once it's gone, I don't have to deal with it anymore. I am really depressed this morning. I am getting tired of the mood swings - I sware I go through about 15 a day. I am sure it gets easier with OM feelings over time - I just hope the M gets better over time also. I hope that H puts as much effort into it as I am trying to. Otherwise, it could be a bad thing.

Felina, Felina,

You're husband is testing you...he may not know it, but he is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told H nicely that I understood what he did, but that it made me angry. We had a decent talk at first, but then I said "well, he still has to get the rest of his stuff off our property, remember" (he has a couple cars and a truck load or so of stuff. H's reply was "too bad, it's his loss!" Of course I flew off the handle again - not like earlier, because I realize how wrong I am in this situation, but I can't help but defend OM over H. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When he says stuff like this, he wants to see if you are going to leap to the defense of the OM. That tells him who you really love. It doesn't sound like you're passing the test so far.

Your feelings are your feelings. No one can tell you you shouldn't feel them. BUT, as an adult, you are completely responsible for how you express them.

You can't control your H. How can you expect him to be over this so soon? "He does this...he pisses me off..."

Felina, you sound childish. If you want this marriage to work, you're going to have to be willing to shoulder 100% of the burden of rebuilding. So is he. That way, when one or the of you doesn't feel like trying the other can tide you both over.

You have to go the extra mile in respecting his feelings. In fact, if he wants to go stomp a hole in the OM's butt, you shouldn't say a word.

Sounds like you need the meds

Low

Felina,

St John's wort is an herbal supplement available at most health food stores. One of the side affects may be in regards to not being able to be in the sun too much.

Remember that herbal or other alternative medicine remedies can be beneficial but may take longer (which is not a bad thing). Drugs may work quicker but have other side effects so read up and choose wisely.

Drink lots of water. It is better for you if your body is physically healthy since stress is bad for the body.

L.

Orchid -thanks for your input - of course I've been acting childish - that's what got me into this mess in first place. I have to say, today I had a very hard decision, and for the first time, I think I can say I succeeded just based on my own decision.

I had to contact OM one last time to figure out a solution to removing his stuff, so I could have that done with. I called, and did talk to him - I was going to move his small stuff to the neutral location, and he was going to come pick up his car. In the beginning of the day, I had decided that I was going to be here to see him whether it was good or bad - but everybody's advice to NC the OM kept haunting me. I called him back and told him that I decided it wasn't going to be good for me to see him, even if it was just for a couple minutes.I would leave and be gone the whole day - He agreed. It was probably the hardest thing I've done so far, but I did, and I felt pretty good about myself afterwards. I also feel a tremendous amount of gained distance now that his stuff is all gone.

Felina

That should be the last time you ever hear the OM's voice. It would only lengthen you withdraw if any more contact is done.
It is a good thing to not be there, do something fun, go to a movie or something else. Maybe do something with your H. Stay strong. Time, Patience and Love. Things will get better. Both of you need time to heal.

Keep posting, I found that prayer also helps.

Have a good Thanksgiving

Thankyou everyone for your support. OM is now officially gone. I left him a NC letter with his stuff. That was really hard but it was a relief. I was super depressed this morning. As per your suggestions, and that of my H, I started talking some St. John's Wort. We will see if that helps some, and if I need something more, I will go to my Dr soon. Anyway, I was so depressed this morning, I just curled up on the bed and cried, and cried. My H saw, and came and just held me and let me cry. He is so understanding in this whole mess - maybe because he is older and a lot wiser. It was very healing for him to just hold me. I have been craving that for the past year, and I haven't gotten it from him. It's always the kids he's holding. I can see that we are at least slowly starting in the right direction. Thanks everyone. Happy Thanksgiving. Oh, and we are going to spend the rest of the day in the mountains going sledding with the kids - I got relieved from doing Thanksgiving dinner this year - just going to have some fun!!