Hi all--I very rarely post, but need some help. As a refresher I am 36, my husband is 38, we've been married 10 years and have 2 kids ages 3 and 5.

My husband and I are disagreeing over whether to purchase a new vehicle. It's a POJA problem and I need help.

We have a car with 270K miles on it. I bought it back in 2002 when I was dating DH and he's very sentimentally attached to it. But the amount of rust is making me feel unsafe. This week, something on the vehicle broke due to the rust and our mechanic was able to "temporarily" fix it, but informed us that he didn't think the vehicle was safe to drive on the highway. The vehicle is due for inspection in January and our mechanic is convinced there is no way it can pass. But, he's said that for the past 2 years and it's passed, so my husband isn't as concerned as I am.

This isn't our primary vehicle. We have a newer vehicle that is our family vehicle. My husband uses this car for his short commute to the commuter rail station, but there is a situation on Saturdays where I have to take one of our kids to ballet and he takes the other to a violin lesson (within a few miles of our house--no highways), so he transports one of our children in the car 1x per week.

POJA would say that if we don't agree, then do nothing. That's basically been what's happened in the past year or so. I feel increasingly unsafe in the car in the rare case that I'm in it, but DH says that if the mechanic says it's fine for local driving, then there is no reason to get a new vehicle.

Talking about replacing the car puts DH in a bad mood, so I don't want to use our UA time to talk about something unpleasant. We both work full-time with demanding careers and we have 2 young kids, so we've had to get creative in meeting our UA time--point is, we don't have a lot of "extra" time to talk about something unpleasant. On the other hand, it really hurts my feelings that I feel the vehicle is unsafe and he's unwilling to consider another one at this time.

What should I do? Should I drop it until he enthusiastically agrees to purchase another vehicle? Do I continue to tell him how I feel about it, or stop because it's unpleasant for him? Should I just wait until the inspection in January and only address it if it fails?

The purpose of the POJA is not to do nothing, but to keep negotiating until you find a solution about which you are both enthusiastic. That default position of doing nothing should be very rare and very shortlived. For example, if you do nothing today, you should pick it up again tomorrow to find a solution.


It won't be unpleasant if you negotiate to find a solution that makes you both happy. I would ask him to try using the POJA to help you find a solution that suits you both. The POJA does not mean that one spouse has the VETO power to just shut down the other spouse, that is a misuse of the POJA. The purpose is to find solutions that suit you both.

I'm certainly no expert, but once there is less-than-enthusiastic response from one party, it's usually suggested on the radio show that some brainstorming goes on for an acceptable but different event.

He doesn't want to sell the car because he now has an emotional attachment. OK, don't sell the car.

But, could you discuss his keeping that car and also buying a recent year used car? He may use 'his' car for the morning commute, but use the newer car for transporting you and/or the children?

This may not work, but maybe can help you see another angle to the problem. A fresh approach with a fresh idea is far more likely to succeed than trying to convince him that his idea doesn't work for you. He already knows that, right?

Best wishes for a peaceable solution!

Hi WLL,
Since you are attempting to employ POJA and respectful persuasion, are you sure that you each understand the problem from the other's perspective? You say that your husband is attached to this car as the reason he doesn't want a new one. So some questions I might ask are:
1) Is it that he doesn't want to get rid of the old car becauue he is attached? (you could keep the old and get new since I am guessing this old car is paid off)
2) Is it that your husband doesn't want to take on a new car payment, feels uncomfortable with taking on new debt? If so, is there some level he would be comfortable with?
3) Is it that new car payment plus insurance is a financial commitment he is not comfortable with?
4) Could he Lyft with the child to/from the activity?

You will need to talk about it, and Dr. Harley suggests doing nothing until a POJA decision is made in order to keep the decision in the forefront, not as a veto for the unenthusiastic spouse. So make sure you both understand each other's point of view and keep brainstorming until you find a solution.

good Luck

OTF hit on an important point, the idea is not to push preformed ideas but to find a THIRD solution that suits you both. If a person comes into a negotiation stuck on only one solution, the negotiation is over before it starts. So set aside any pre-formed notions and look for alternative solutions.

The brainstorming is a great idea and it is something we've attempted. We hit a roadblock because while I'm fine with him keeping the car, a new car still involves spending a chunk of money. We can't seem to find a solution where I'm happy (need safer vehicle) and he's happy (doesn't want to spend money until this vehicle is undrive-able to him). I think we just need to do more brainstorming.

Is there a good time to brainstorm? In theory I understand that brainstorming shouldn't be stressful, but in reality it is for us.

ETA: I responded before I saw the additional responses. I think what I need to do is dive deeper into the budget issue. What about spending the money is making him so uncomfortable. And come up with alternatives. In the past, we've always paid cash for vehicles. Maybe spending all the money up front is what is making him uncomfortable. Maybe I can offer that we take a loan out for this one. And I need to stop latching onto the ONLY solution being a different car. Maybe using Uber or Lyft is a viable solution for the short-term.

The POJA needs to start with a spirit of good will. When we are successful, it is because we both want the other to win, so we try to find solutions that make the other happy. We had a very rough time with the POJA in the beginning and it was because we each came into the process with preformed views. We had to learn to put aside that view and find a solution that suited us both. But that had to be preceded with good will towards the other.

If my H and I can solve problems using the POJA, anyone can, because we are both very hard headed!

Yes, we have a few things working against us:

1. We are also both hard-headed
2. Neither of us likes to make a big purchase
3. Both of our feelings are hurt right now and we're not putting the other firs

This has been a good exercise for me because I've had tunnel vision over the past few days.

I looked into loans and if we took out a $10K loan, the payment is less than $200/month. We just canceled cable, which saves $115/month. We can cancel our $115/month YMCA membership we rarely use. That allows us not to barely touch our savings and our net income per month is the same. So no monthly savings loss.

I doubt he'll go for it because we've committed to being debt-free except for the mortgage and we've never taken out a car loan, but at least it shows him that nothing is off the table and there is a solution out there if we brainstorm enough.

It's also important to find a good time for me to bring it up. In the past I've been very pushy--I don't like for decisions to loom, so I want to figure it out and move on. But this is a big decision and I think giving him a little time to come to grips with it will help.

I would suggest you keep this on the front burner and discuss DAILY until you find a win/win solution. It will cause resentment for you to continue to drive a car you feel unsafe in (really it doesn't matter if it is or is not safe, if you FEEL unsafe). I can tell it is hurting your feelings/lovebusting you that he doesn't seem to care that you are driving a car that feels unsafe.

I have been in this exact same situation, driving a car I felt was unsafe, only on the interstate frequently and with 3 kids. While we negotiated solutions, I white knuckled it with anxiety it was going to break down at any point. I even stopped playing music so I could listen to the engine... This will be a lovebuster and will cause resentment if you do not get it negotiated pronto.

In addition to unwritten's great point, it is never a good idea to let undecided decisions pile up because of a lack of negotiating skills. It is a real killer of romance. Our marriage improved dramatically once we learned to negotiate. Once you get through the first few ones, it become easier and easier until it becomes 2nd nature.

Okay, also good to know (about bringing it up daily). One of the first articles I read on MB years ago was the nagging and quarrelsome wife article. That was totally me--bad habits of anger, DJs and demands. And he wasn't a patient listener. I don't want to go back to that (although I've had plenty of slip-ups), so I want to make sure we're BOTH handling this in a healthy and respectful way. I need him to listen patiently, too. For the past two days he's basically cringed when I bring up the car because he thinks I'm just demanding a new car.

And you won't ever be successful if either of you use lovebusters in the POJA process. You have to put aside demands, anger and any disrespect. Do you both agree to the ground rules? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5041b_qa.html

Not only do lovebusters kill the love in a marriage, but sucking it up and saying nothing because he 'cringes' when you bring up a complaint also kills the love in a marriage.

Tell him his response to your continued desire to negotiate a solution is a lovebuster, because 'cringing' or otherwise acting annoyed at a complaint is a lovebuster.

Yes, we can definitely agree to the ground rules. They sound so logical when all is calm and we're on the same page. I admit that when we start to disagree and I don't feel like I'm being heard, I tend to want to push it past the point of being productive. I used to have a magnet that read "If you don't agree with me, I haven't explained myself well enough." Honestly, POJA can be really hard for me, even though I'm totally on board with it.

Unwritten, sucking it up is definitely not good, either. I have had a history of needing to better balance my giver and taker. I will have periods where I swing too far in either direction. Another one of my issues is that 2 years ago I was in a situation where I was pushing for something and my husband did not want to do it. In the end, I'm glad we didn't move forward with my plan. It was enough to make me doubt myself in these situations.

We went through the car buying agonies recently. I was the one with the emotional attachment and he was the one who was nervous about driving a 17 year old car even though he almost never drove it. Yes, I also was afraid to spend so much money. He was incredibly sweet and patient with me as the bills for car repairs went up and up. It took two years and many trips to Dave the mechanic before I finally faced the truth that this car was never going to get well.

I realised that the only way around my emotion was to make it fun. So I arranged a series of Saturday test drives of all kinds of cars. Nothing was off the list unless we both hated it. Turned to to be great UA time.

We eventually found a car we both loved, decided on a budget (which determined whether we would buy new or used) and got something we are both really happy with. We POJAed financing vs buying outright. I was able to name it which helped me bond. I still miss my beloved Wolfgang but it made my beloved husband miserable.

I'm so sorry about Wolfgang, living well, but am very glad that you were able to navigate through the car-buying process with relative ease and that the test driving ended up being bonus UA time.

I brought it this up with DH both days this weekend. On Saturday I told him that I wasn't looking to replace the car and that I was open to getting a second car until he was ready to part with our first car. I said I had done some research and found a couple of good options--one was the same make/model/color as our current car, but it's a 2016 model year instead of our 2000 model year. The second was a Volkswagen that I liked. We just spent 10 days in Germany for our 10 year anniversary and we had an amazing time, so I said it can be our 10 year anniversary vehicle in honor of our trip. I think he liked the sentiment of both of those, so he was open to getting a second car.

I brought it up again on Sunday to recommend that next weekend we change our usual Saturday night date plan to test drive cars instead. He was also open to that, so I really feel like we're making good headway. Thanks for all the help--I'm partially expecting us to hit a few roadblocks once it comes to actually making a purchase, but I'm optimistic that we can get through this without old habits (demands, especially) making it unpleasant...or more unpleasant than buying a vehicle already is for us.

Sounds as if you are making great progress. As an added bonus, helping him navigate through this with gentle patience will deposit lots of love units.

What could be better than that!