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Hi Goody2Shoes, thank you. My nanny is away on holiday too. So it is just me and the kids (so kind of like an anti-holiday for me - can't wait to go back to work where I can talk to one person at a time again rather than four at once!). WH turned up 1.5 hours late in the end. I don't see him - i just walk with my daughter to the gate of our estate and my sons come in to fetch her.
Yes, I've got the smses where WH says he is outside (i don't let him come in to the estate) and will keep records of everything to give to my lawyer. Maybe we will be able to use it in negotiating the final visitation plan. The current court order only covers yesterday until 4th Jan.
I am so glad he lives in another country. This stress is only for 2 more weeks and then we can go back to our normal WH-free life.
Last edited by chalkncheese; 12/23/17 04:45 AM.
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Also, this is exactly the kind of evidence you need to show the court that you are the only capable, reliable force in their lives.
I mean he is a father of how many and he's all "BABIES ARE TOO HARD. NO I DIDN'T PLAN AHEAD EITHER"
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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WH finally bought our baby back 2.5 hours late. I cannot cope with this kind of messing around with my time!!!! He doesn't care at all that there is a court order specifying pick up and drop off times. He just does whatever he wants. How do you deal with someone like that??!!
He is supposed to bring the boys back from their 3 nights with him on Christmas day morning. Then they are supposed to spend one night with me and then go to him again for 3 days. But I think I will just keep them with me. He can go to the police again if he wants. But I have the evidence to show he is clearly not respecting the court order. The court is not sitting again until end of January, so he wouldn't be able to do anything there before he leaves the country anyway.
Last edited by chalkncheese; 12/23/17 12:52 PM.
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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My father ended up taking me a lot of times when my wayward mother didn't want to see me, and when I didn't want to see her. He kept an almost completely open door policy. If I were in that boat I'd do my best to do the same.
You can never rely on a wayward spouse or ex spouse for relief from the children. They are completely undependable and are purposefully trying to disrupt your life for reasons that are probably not predictable or rational. Having a babysitter in reserve sounds like a good strategy.
If it were possible I'd keep the child and simply record that the dirtbag didn't take his own child, accumulating a record for use in court, and not interacting with the other parent even through the children, because the drama is just too rough on you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Also, this is exactly the kind of evidence you need to show the court that you are the only capable, reliable force in their lives.
I mean he is a father of how many and he's all "BABIES ARE TOO HARD. NO I DIDN'T PLAN AHEAD EITHER" Sometime you have to just calmly record evidence and treat yourself well to compensate, while you accumulate enough evidence for the court to pin their ears back some day.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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WH finally bought our baby back 2.5 hours late. I cannot cope with this kind of messing around with my time!!!! He doesn't care at all that there is a court order specifying pick up and drop off times. He just does whatever he wants. How do you deal with someone like that??!!
He is supposed to bring the boys back from their 3 nights with him on Christmas day morning. Then they are supposed to spend one night with me and then go to him again for 3 days. But I think I will just keep them with me. He can go to the police again if he wants. But I have the evidence to show he is clearly not respecting the court order. The court is not sitting again until end of January, so he wouldn't be able to do anything there before he leaves the country anyway. Don't act out of emotion, stick to your strategy. You want to win the war, not just this one battle. Your husband wants to win every battle, but has no long term strategy to win the war. What can you do to relax? Do you eat healthy (omega fatty acids keep you sane!)? Green vegetables contain magnesium, that also relaxes. Bananas contain tryptophane, good for your serotonine levels, keeps you calm(er). Try to sleep well. I hope the 2,5 hour delay in some way documented.
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Thank you Markos and Goody2Shoes for bringing me back to reality. You are totally right. I should actually be thankful he is behaving so badly because it provides clear evidence for the next court order we will be getting sometime during 2018 which defines contact going forward (not just for this holiday).
I am hyper sensitive about this issue because he used this technique of manipulation so effectively in our previous country and managed to take me to court arguing that I was preventing him from seeing his children - just because I wanted him to make an arrangement and stick to it, which he refused to do. The thought of him being able to control me like this until the children are 18 fills me with horror. You're right. I will just try to relax and document document document.
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I feel like i am going to explode!! WH turned up on time this morning to collect our baby - but left the three boys (8, 7 and 6) ALONE in his guest house, which is 20 mins drive away. My mind is turning round and round imaginging all the things that could happen. Madeline McCann (4 year old British girl who disappeared 10 years ago) was stolen from a hotel room when her parents were just downstairs. WH is prepared to leave our boys alone for almost an hour - and what if he got into an accident?! Or something else prevented him from returning to the guest house immediately??!! I am SO mad and worried.
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Can you call the cops to do a welfare check on them?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Can you call the cops to do a welfare check on them? This would be a terrific strategy. Not only would you have had something great to document but also being a terrorist back at WH would throw him for a total loop. Presume too late for this time but calmly ask your oldest son to let you know immediately if the boys are left alone again. By the way, so glad indie is posting to you. She is the best :-)
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Thanks Indie and Living Well! This is a great idea!! Yes, too late for this time, but I will definitely do this next time (of course there will be a next time...). If he can report me to the police all the time for doing absolutely nothing, then I can use that strategy too  Thank you! On a slightly different topic, I am chuckling to myself this afternoon because the South African currency took a jump up against the USD (which WH gets paid in) this week, as a result of the election of a new head of the South African ruling party. My maintence settlement has now grown to 45% of WH's income and looks set to increase to 50% in the near future....tee hee! He was previously giving me around 12% of his income each month. Can't wait for him to start feeling the drop in living standards!
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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WH has sneaked a couple of presents for me in with the kids' gifts. One of them is the book "The Power of a Praying Wife/Mom/Woman"  Any thoughts on what to do with them? Should I send them back with the kids? Put them in the bin? I don't want him thinking that I have appreciated the gesture or - worse - kept them. [Just to clarify, the puking icon refers to it being WH who has purchased and gifted a book of this nature in light of his decidedly non-Christian behaviour, despite making a really big deal of his faith all the time - not that the book itself is puke-worthy :D]
Last edited by chalkncheese; 12/24/17 05:27 PM.
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Presume too late for this time but calmly ask your oldest son to let you know immediately if the boys are left alone again. This may depend on your kids comfort level but possibly get your son to call the police himself before he calls you. It will help him feel empowered. "Daddy left us alone please come quick." He can call you second to let you know the police are on the way and then you can liaise with them. This guy CHOKED you. He gets no chances. No wiggle room. He doesn't get to bait you. He needs all the things thrown at him and to be treated like the criminal he is. Call the police when he's severely late too. You've had kidnapping concerns in the past so a short leash is appropriate here. He only knows how to make messes to grind you down. He won't know what to do when the consequences boomerang back. Every poor fathering move gets pushed back on his plate to explain or fix. By the way, so glad indie is posting to you. She is the best :-) 
Last edited by indiegirl; 12/24/17 07:13 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thanks Indie and Living Well! This is a great idea!! Yes, too late for this time, but I will definitely do this next time (of course there will be a next time...). If he can report me to the police all the time for doing absolutely nothing, then I can use that strategy too Thank you! On a slightly different topic, I am chuckling to myself this afternoon because the South African currency took a jump up against the USD (which WH gets paid in) this week, as a result of the election of a new head of the South African ruling party. My maintence settlement has now grown to 45% of WH's income and looks set to increase to 50% in the near future....tee hee! He was previously giving me around 12% of his income each month. Can't wait for him to start feeling the drop in living standards! For baby sitters and treats 
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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WH has sneaked a couple of presents for me in with the kids' gifts. One of them is the book "The Power of a Praying Wife/Mom/Woman" Any thoughts on what to do with them? Should I send them back with the kids? Put them in the bin? I don't want him thinking that I have appreciated the gesture or - worse - kept them. [Just to clarify, the puking icon refers to it being WH who has purchased and gifted a book of this nature in light of his decidedly non-Christian behaviour, despite making a really big deal of his faith all the time - not that the book itself is puke-worthy :D] Oh yawn. This is a pretty basic WH move. We should have warned you actually. Throw these kinds of things out unread and have your IM send a message that you never looked at them and never will: all communications are through her. I would also make your lawyer kick up a huge fuss that he is using the kids as messengers. (it's always something that will make you sick so genuinely don't read stuff. A book is tricky but be prepared for that trick next time and dump it straight from kiddies backpack into bin without reading the title). Only do this once and let him hear crickets next time he does it. So if she's already said you won't read stuff, don't bother to repeat yourself.
Last edited by indiegirl; 12/24/17 07:10 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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WH has sneaked a couple of presents for me in with the kids' gifts. One of them is the book "The Power of a Praying Wife/Mom/Woman" Any thoughts on what to do with them? Should I send them back with the kids? Put them in the bin? I don't want him thinking that I have appreciated the gesture or - worse - kept them. [Just to clarify, the puking icon refers to it being WH who has purchased and gifted a book of this nature in light of his decidedly non-Christian behaviour, despite making a really big deal of his faith all the time - not that the book itself is puke-worthy :D] Don't do anything, just let the nanny throw it away. Someone transferred money to my bank account monthly. My first urge was to return it. But instead I opened another bank account for my daily financials and ignored the old account for as long as he transferred money. I will not jump just because someone pulls a string in order to control some part of my life. [At first it was $50 a month, after a while $1. It lasted over 5 years.]
Last edited by goody2shoes; 12/24/17 07:11 PM.
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Thank you Indie and Goody2Shoes! I do find it bizarre how WH seems to be so desperate to retain control of me, and wants to make his presence felt in my life, but obviously doesn't want to actually make any changes that would have enabled him to keep his family.
He made his first maintenance payment under the new court order - and it is USD500 short. Typical. Now I will have to go through the whole contempt of court/garnishment process when the courts open at end of Jan. When is he going to give up playing these games?!
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Someone transferred money to my bank account monthly. My first urge was to return it. But instead I opened another bank account for my daily financials and ignored the old account for as long as he transferred money. I will not jump just because someone pulls a string in order to control some part of my life.
[At first it was $50 a month, after a while $1. It lasted over 5 years.] 5 years????!! Oh my goodness!
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I just read an interesting psychology research finding: apparently only around 9% of human behaviours are down to personality. The rest is instinct/natural human reactions to specific conditions.
Reading that made me think of MB. Not only are all waywards the same, but we are all essentially the same. We react the same as humans, regardless of culture, personality, or life experience, in response to a given set of conditions. Also, apparently human beings are terrible at understanding the real reasons why we choose to do certain things. All the more reason to totally ignore everything WHs say!!! They haven't a clue what they are talking about, especially when talking about themselves and what they feel or think........
Last edited by chalkncheese; 12/27/17 05:22 AM.
BW (me) 40 WH, serial cheater, 41 Four children: DS1 8 DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me) DS3 6 DD 2 D-day Jan 4 2017 Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017 Plan D Aug 28 2017 Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017 "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Thank you Indie and Goody2Shoes! I do find it bizarre how WH seems to be so desperate to retain control of me, and wants to make his presence felt in my life, but obviously doesn't want to actually make any changes that would have enabled him to keep his family. The good news is that he's predictable and blinkered. He's grown up in a family culture where women are deliberately kept busy and miserable so they can't intervene in affairs. This only works in situations where women have no recourse. He's genuinely at sea now. He has no idea that continuing to cause you trouble will only get himself in hot water now.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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