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chalkncheese #3004532 06/09/18 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Also, I don't know whether this is a terrible generalisation to make, and perhaps because of the cultural context that I married into, but I don't think you should project the kind of feelings of loss you as a mother would experience at not raising a child that you gave birth to onto your husband. Men have a different kind of relationship with children they are the biological father of. It is not the same as it would be for a mother. So don't assume the sense of loss that you know you would experience applies to him - even if he is using that as a reason to pursue the court procedures now - and don't make decisions based on what you assume he is or will feel in the future. Think only of the practicalities that YOU will be dealing with as mother to this girl.



No absolutely I understand that. I know he doesn't experience this type of loss. And the only reason I have that feeling is by way of thinking that the OC may live with us and I just can't help thinking that I could have better bonded with her as an infant. It is easier to love a child from infancy, to me. I struggled for years to love and accept my step son (from age 5) and he wasn't even an affair child...

Shocked11 #3004533 06/09/18 01:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Shocked11
I understand everyone... I think the excitement of potentially getting a monthly social security check for the mother's death excited me. It made me feel justice toward the entire situation and for having to pay child support. For whoever has custody of the child gets that money. I know I am so very wrong for this frown Sorry for confusing everyone. My emotions are all over the map. Right now there is a motion for custody on my husband's behalf. That was done by POJA. My husband isn't aware of my ulterior motives and I'm afraid to tell him.



The POJA does not and should not apply to things that are destructive to your marriage. Just so you know. Please tell your husband the truth immediately and stop this train before you make a mistake that cannot be undone. Some temporary conflict with your husband is better than a LIFETIME of conflict.

Please suck it up, my friend, and go in and tell him what you told us and stop this train.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Shocked11 #3004536 06/09/18 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Shocked11
I understand everyone... I think the excitement of potentially getting a monthly social security check for the mother's death excited me. It made me feel justice toward the entire situation and for having to pay child support. For whoever has custody of the child gets that money. I know I am so very wrong for this frown Sorry for confusing everyone. My emotions are all over the map. Right now there is a motion for custody on my husband's behalf. That was done by POJA. My husband isn't aware of my ulterior motives and I'm afraid to tell him.

This doesn't explain why you first came here speaking about resentment, and strongly doubting that you could ever be in enthusiastic agreement to taking in this child, and feeling pressured into doing the right thing and not disappointing your husband, and then suddenly flipping to challenging us about Dr Harley's advice to stay NC.

What's really going on here?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #3004537 06/09/18 07:11 PM
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by Shocked11
I understand everyone... I think the excitement of potentially getting a monthly social security check for the mother's death excited me. It made me feel justice toward the entire situation and for having to pay child support. For whoever has custody of the child gets that money. I know I am so very wrong for this frown Sorry for confusing everyone. My emotions are all over the map. Right now there is a motion for custody on my husband's behalf. That was done by POJA. My husband isn't aware of my ulterior motives and I'm afraid to tell him.

This doesn't explain why you first came here speaking about resentment, and strongly doubting that you could ever be in enthusiastic agreement to taking in this child, and feeling pressured into doing the right thing and not disappointing your husband, and then suddenly flipping to challenging us about Dr Harley's advice to stay NC.

What's really going on here?


I'm not sure I should have posted here. I didn't read the rules apparently. Admin - delete this thread please? I've gotten all the advice I need I believe.

Shocked11 #3004581 06/14/18 08:47 PM
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FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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