Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
#3004743 06/20/18 06:43 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
Hello everyone, some may remember me from several posts Ive had here when my wife had a 4 month affair over 5 years ago.

About a year after the affair we relocated to start over and along with us we had two of our three daughters move as well.

Today I didnt know where to turn regarding my now 18 year old daughter. I know this site is mainly for marriage and relationship issue but the advise I received here when going through the affair was the only honest counseling I could find when desperate.

So I would say relocating 5 hours from our home town was an adjustment for everyone and we are actually looking to move back, not to our hometown, but the western half of the state to be closer to extended family.

Anyway my DD18 I thought adjusted well? She began high school here and through her junior year started on the softball team, stayed out of trouble and was an honor student.

She had limited relationships but did date a guy in her junior year who was a great guy in many aspects but he was an exchange student and ended having to return to the UK and would try to get back soon, so they tried to continue long distance for some time.

All started to go downhill about December of this past year. DD18 was with a girlfriend from the softball team and stopped over a house where some guys were hanging out. DD18 began conversing with a guy a refer to as OM. The two talked on and off but the general word was OM was not the most stellar of a guy; some drug use, expelled from school, no family foundation and no real home address.

As DD18 and OM relationship progressed, the first major incident occurred. DD18 was discovered not to come home one night after lying about where she was and was later found to have traveled to NYC!!! DD18 ended up flopping at some house with OM and totally disregarding contacting us. DD18 let other les desirable guys drive her car she worked hard to get.

Several other incidents on and off occurred all surrounded by lies and deceit to be with OM. This countinued for months where it got the point where DD18 told me on one occasion ya I probably need to get out of this place.

This occurred literally 6 weeks before HS graduation. We spoke with school guidance and were able to get her away for 2 weeks. I transported DD18 to our hometown where she lived with her older sister and did her school work online.

The school insisted DD18 return in order to graduate HS which left about 2 weeks prior to graduation.

Once returning we found out that DD18 never totally disengaged from relationship with OM and soon enough we were again catching her in lies in order to see him.

I explain this extensively and felt it appropriate to post here because her behavior very closely mimics that of an affair! DD18 is virtually addicted to this OM and will lie cheat steal and coniv to see him. DD18 has risked nearly everything; car, possible graduation, college, family just to be with this OM.

We thought DD18 was winding the relationship down after leaving for a short time, then the unthinkable occurred.

This past Sunday, father day, DD18 walked downstairs and said she was going swimming at a neighbors pool wh we know and trust. DD18 had a backpack on and looked the part. DD18 walked out the front door and sent my wife a text message reading there is a note under my pillow. To sum up the note it stated she had thought long and hard about her life and decided that she was joining the military and was picked up by a recruiter.

After extensive research I found that she got a ride to Delaware where OM was with his dad after getting evicted from an apartment here. In the meantime she was listed as a missing person because PA law does allow for this if under 21.

Bottom line she is addicted to this OM and has given up her life for him. He is going nowhere and I fear the worst. I fear he is totally using her, getting in her head and she is flushing everything away slowly.

DD18 has recently had limited contact with us but did text saying she was fine and not interested in returning home. DD18 texted me today asking for some of her HS graduation money that I am keeping in a separate account. I told her the money was here at home.

Any advise?

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
Welcome back, Kgaa12. Unfortunately, when it comes to your kids and their choices, your options are greatly limited. My daughter eloped with a guy who never works and spends all his time hanging around the house, drinking beer.

My advice to you is to be there for your daughter to catch her when she falls. Dont drive her further away. Dont facilitate her bad choices, but dont try any heavy-handed things, either. The fact is that there is little you can do to control her, but you can still be her rock.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Hi KGAA, I would urge you to write Dr Harley. I predict he is going to tell you there is nothing you can do but that you should do your best to keep a good relationship with your daughter. Don't lecture her, don't get mad at her, just be as supportive as possible. You can't stop her, but eventually she will come out from that cloud and you want to have a great relationship with her when she does. Don't wreck your relationship with her. She will eventually come to her senses.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
P.S. My son went a little crazy when he was 19 and he is now 35 and a wonderful, responsible, happy adult. He has a great career and our relationship is fantastic. The craziness does go away!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
Agreed and been taking that approach via text when she does.

Do you feel I responded appropriately when she requested I get her graduation money to her so she could buy more food and tampons?

I told her that her grad money was here, at home, safe and secure and shes always welcome home; no questions asked..

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by KGaa12
Agreed and been taking that approach via text when she does.

Do you feel I responded appropriately when she requested I get her graduation money to her so she could buy more food and tampons?

I told her that her grad money was here, at home, safe and secure and shes always welcome home; no questions asked..



I would give her the money. it is her money. To withhold money from an adult is a punishment.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by KGaa12
Agreed and been taking that approach via text when she does.

Do you feel I responded appropriately when she requested I get her graduation money to her so she could buy more food and tampons?

I told her that her grad money was here, at home, safe and secure and shes always welcome home; no questions asked..



I would give her the money. it is her money. To withhold money from an adult is a punishment.
She will view an action like that as extortion. It undermines your relationship and reduces the likelihood that she will turn back to you in the future.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
I wrote to Dr Harley a couple of years ago about my DD, when she was about 18. She had failed her first semester of college and I just felt she was immature, making bad decisions, acting entitled, etc.

He basically told me that he tells parents of late adolescent girls to close your eyes and wait for the time to pass. He said most of these girls will mature into great women even when it doesn't seem that way. He told me to let her learn from her own mistakes, that my advice would be ignored and would cause resentment.

He was SO right.

That was about three years ago. At the time I wrote to him, I didn't realize how much I was driving her away by trying to tell her what to do. I basically try to be her cheerleader in life and avoid DJ's. Our relationship is very strong now, she talks to me about EVERYTHING and she is doing well. She has matured a lot on her own. I'm sure she will still make a lot of mistakes but that's part of what life is about...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
I truly appreciate the insight at this time. This has been a tough pill to swollow.

I know it doesnt matter in the big picture but this guy she ran off with was expelled from HS, dabbles or does sell marijuana and it is know through even some of DD18 girlfriends that he has had multiple sex partners.

Anyway, very hard to come to terms with handing her over cash that she will likely use for the most inappropriate things.

We agree of how to handle and she must see this for herself and we pray that she comes out of it somewhat unscathed?

She texted my wife today and said she was going to the Verizon store to see why her phone was not letting her make phone calls and that she would call one of us later today.

What should we say to her IF she calls? What is she asks for money for her phone to be fixed? That is her lifeline to us the way I look at it?

Do we not encourage her to return home, or just offer that we are here for her and always available to help whenever she is in need.

What is she tries to convince us this is a good thing that she needs for herself all while we know what a piece of
$&@ this OM is?

DD18 May also request to come to house to get her belongings she left behind? Do we give her what is hers?

One final question about the graduation money? On her way out she stole $40 from her younger sisters room. DD14 is quit upset about this and entire situation. Do we subtract that $40 from her money before giving it back to her?

Thank you all again!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
KGAA, you need to let this go. She is an adult now. Give her the money and allow her to take her belongings. You can tell her you are disappointed that she took money from her sister and ask if you can take it out of her money. Don't fight with her or give her any lectures. And yes, you can tell her you miss her and that the door is open for her to return.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Since the boyfriend is a POS, that relationship will soon fall apart and she will need you then. Don't wreck the relationship because she will need to come back.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448


Originally Posted by KGaa12
Do we not encourage her to return home, or just offer that we are here for her and always available to help whenever she is in need.


After getting Dr Harley's advice that I mentioned above, I sat my DD down. I think I even told her someone that I trust told me to let her make her own choices and just support her....I apologized and basically let her know that's what I was going to do from then on.

I agree with ML that it is fine to let her know you are there for her and she can come home any time. BUT when the conversation is trailing into language that sounds like you "know better" than she does, that's when you're going into DJ territory. Avoid that, unless you want to drive her further away.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
I agree and appreciate this insight. I did apologize to her about not being more understanding on things and let her know we love her and and here for her whenever she may want to return home; not questions asked.

What I am struggling with is what is deemed support? I cant allow myself to support in any fashion this relation with the OM. He has brain washed her and is using her and doesnt even have a job of Hs diploma. DD18 knows I will never accept him into the family and I guess maybe thats why she snooped around and left for him.

I will give her the money we committed to but is that the end of the financial support?

DD18 is accepted at Penn State, we paid admission fees
Signed loan papers, now this. She also left her car here which has a loan in our name, is registered to my wife and I and carries our insurance. DD18 in her letter said we could sell it.

Do we just take the stance that we will support her in healthy ways but when are we enablers to furthering the life with the POS OM?

Thank to all...

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Doesn't she need the car at college?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
We believe that she has flopped at his guys dads apartment, neither one of them have jobs or money; at this point anyway?

She called and I spoke with her for a few minutes; told her I was here for her, she always could come home and I want the best for her and her future.

I asked about college and she replied she would have to let us know.

She asked about the car if she continues to make payments?

I said she could have the car if she made payments but she would have to obtain her own insurance in her name.

The reason for this is because previously she had allowed this POS to drive along with his friends who are not licensed and our around drug dealers.

I will not assume liability but will not hold her car hostage if she can make payments and provide her own insurance.

If she attends college I will support her; but the liability is too steep with POS behind the wheel

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
What I am getting from you sound like rationalizations to justify your actions. If I, an uninvolved stranger, think that, what will your daughter think?

Accept the fact that you can not control your adult daughter, and do those things that will maximize your chances for a good relationship with her in the future.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
This situation is cutting to the core of DD18 mother, sisters and of course me as a father.

After ready the replies here I am intellectually in agreement, but what is unexplainable is how she left?

Grandparents travels here for her HS graduation, sister came from college for the summer to be here ect...

Than she just vanished, with such a drastic change in direction.

After reaching out to her yesterday via text; we dont hear from her hardly at all and conversation is almost always initiated on our end, DD18 asked about her graduation money. Based on the advise here, I told her that my wife and I wanted to get the money to her because it was our gift to her for graduating HS.

I spoke with her briefly about her (our) car and gave her the option if she wanted to continue with the payments or sell it as SHE indicated in her goodbye letter.

I did specify that she would have to secure her own insurance ONLY because of the liability I can not afford to assume.

She said she would let me know on the car situation?

Am I handling this car deal correctly? Car is registered to wife and I and under our insurance policy.

DD18 was making payments to me and I in turn pay the loan.

We had restricted her from car use when I witnessed a car load of what I call thugs driving the car while she was working? They are into bad things and not licensed.

I want to handle this best to eventually have my DD18 get her life on the right path, but so cant be sued if some thug committed crimes or crashes car under my name.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
I think you should definitely shelter yourself from liability with the car. However, if you are the owner of the car, even if she carries the policy, do you not still have some liability? I would offer to help her get the car transferred to her name if she is interested in continuing the payments, as well as letting her take over her own insurance.

This is the double edge of adulting. She wants to be treated like an adult who has the right to make her own decisions and make mistakes if that the route she goes, and she should be. But also, being an adult means you need to take care of your own responsibilities.

I liken it to our Plan A in an affair, just because you try to woo a spouse back into the marriage does not mean you also support the affair. Same concept would apply here.

Sorry you are going through this, I have a 17 yo daughter and can only imagine how hard it is.

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
I think the car liability issue is a red herring. It is like worrying that you could be liable for an accident if your car is stolen. Teens allow unauthorized drivers in their parents cars all the time. Accidents happen all the time. So, where are all these lawsuit-bankrupted parents?

I would worry more about the real risks present here and not seek to invent new imaginary ones.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 38
L
LMH Offline
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 38
Could some logical compromise perhaps be applying the money to the balance owed on the car? Would it come close to obliterating the car loan to let it simply be transferred to her?

Just spitballing here.


BH: 34(me)
FWW: 36
Pets not kids.
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 41 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5