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KGaa12 Offline OP
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That is for insight. I find it valuable when posting here that people can provide their perspective that are not emotionally attached to the situation.

It has been hard but I am working hard to keep busy and stay in my routine.

Their has been scattered texts over the past week and my wife and I each spoke on the phone with her; my wife a little bit longer.

DD18 was requesting money for essentials and I sent her $100 of the graduation money until I gather the rest together to send her.

She is contemplating the car situation and she expressed that she doesnt nessasarly wish to sell since she has so much already invested with a payoff of about $1,500.

I feel confident about the option to her about taking on her own insurance policy; she knows deep down my disapproval of this boy she has chosen and it is all for good reason.

I feel that yes, DD18 can legally make her own choices and I have come to the harsh reality that there is not too much I can do; BUT she needs to understand that all choices come with change; some good, some bad.

If DD18 feels it is best to shack up with this looser, forgo college at this time, find employment to likely support his laziness then thats life as she has chosen but mom and dad arent throwing money in support of that venture.

If she wishes to come home at any point the door is open with a full fridge and support.

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Kgaa I thought it was an unlikely thing my sister would get in an accident in the car I co-signed for her, but she got into an accident with both our names in the car and my insurance and attorney told me I could be sued even though my name was not on her insurance. My sister could not afford to fix her license for years. My misplaced trust wound up hurting her for many years. Your daughter can be considered accessory to a crime if the thugs use her car as a getaway one, please talk to your attorney and find out what harms way your misplaced trust puts her in so you can make an informed decision.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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I vaguely remember Dr. H talking about a son whose car was taken away as a young adult. I think you could still reach out to him as others suggested. I think you can love and support her without throwing privileges to the wind or rewards for no accomplishment. Our insurance agent recommended that we carry an umbrella policy to cover any events related to our young adult kids. He said that it would be tough to prove no responsibility for them if we have a history of supporting them in any way during their young adult years. Maybe its just a way to sell more insurance...

So sorry that this has happened, but better for her to learn now than later. If college time gets close, and she still isnt ready, maybe you can help her defer her enrollment for a semester. Its so frustrating when other parents facilitate situations like this!

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Kgaa, is your daughter's boyfriend married? I'm confused as to why you are referring to him as "OM" (other man). It's not an affair, right?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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KGaa12 Offline OP
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No. Didnt know what to call him.

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Some of you may have heard radio segment discussion our situation?

I am greatful Dr. H took the time to address. Wife and I met with DD18 at pizza shop and were greatful we could see her but saddened by just how dogged out she is in relation to this relationship and her approach on life.

DD18 told us she was going to interview for a job that paid well and she would go from there. DD18 later advised us via text that she did secure the job but provided virtually no details.

Discovered that DD18 traveled with POS back to our general area which is about an hour from where she was staying. DD18 has failed to contact us while in town but we have seen pictures of POS and other associates online.

We understand there is little we can do. We are sickeneded and worried of what she is getting involved in with this crew and reach out to her now and then just to see if she will call us to hear she is ok?

The rest of the family is on edge all the time because of the stress and anxieties this has created. Both of her sisters have no interest in even speaking with DD18 because of the just she has caused.

I worry about her safety and possible drug use?

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What day were you on the show?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I didn't get to hear the show but hopefully I can hear it down the road ... what did Dr. Harley advise?


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FWW/BW (me)
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I heard the show. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this! Hopefully the job will show her the value if going to college. Our son learned that by working at a job where he saw many employees "stuck" because they had no other options.

As a sidenote to previous posters on this thread, Dr. H and Joyce did say on the show that they agreed with the advice which had been given here, to show love and support to her, and even to her boyfriend.

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KGaa12 Offline OP
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I really do appreciate all the help here; I for sure can admit I am not doing well with this.

We have not heard from her again for days and any texts are questionable even if it is actually her.

The boyfriend and his crew are really bad news and I wonder at times if she is truly ok or even alive.

This crew are nearly homeless kids that dabble in the drug trade and are complete thugs.

I will never welcome him into my home; I worry more that him and her might try stealing from us? It would be a safety issue.

We are trying to support her when emotionally were crushed and worried all the time we will get that call.

I guess not much we can do; but hope and pray she is ok and eventually sees the light

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts


Thanks, BrainHurts! Didn't realize it would be out yet. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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Originally Posted by KGaa12
I really do appreciate all the help here; I for sure can admit I am not doing well with this.

We have not heard from her again for days and any texts are questionable even if it is actually her.

The boyfriend and his crew are really bad news and I wonder at times if she is truly ok or even alive.

This crew are nearly homeless kids that dabble in the drug trade and are complete thugs.

I will never welcome him into my home; I worry more that him and her might try stealing from us? It would be a safety issue.

We are trying to support her when emotionally were crushed and worried all the time we will get that call.

I guess not much we can do; but hope and pray she is ok and eventually sees the light


I am so sorry, KGaa. I hope this is short lived.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

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Originally Posted by KGaa12
I will never welcome him into my home; I worry more that him and her might try stealing from us? It would be a safety issue.


Could you keep the valuables locked up and only give them access to the living room and a bathroom? When I have guests in my house they don't go into our bedroom and if they did we'd invite them to leave.

I'm talking about a day visit of a couple hours, not an overnight.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

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Originally Posted by KGaa12
I will never welcome him into my home


I really worry that your anger shows in the strength of your desire to make a statement to her.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Im sorry you are dealing with this. I have two teenagers and can imagine that what looks to be the right way to handle it on paper, is really hard to do in reality because of the emotions involved. I guess it aligns with every other MB advice, of making strategic decisions not based on emotions. If it helps at all, since she is an adult, there really is no other option. You cant abduct her against her will, which leaves you with verbally berating her poor decisions, which will only push her away. The only option is to do what you are doing.

I just want to point out here that this is a very difficult time for your marriage too! I have seen many friends have marital problems when they have had to work together to handle difficult child issues. I just want to advise you to make sure you are focusing on IC and POJAing your decisions regarding DD18. Make sure you are staying true to the MB way of life more than ever right now.

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Wife and I are doing ok in marriage. We are more or less on the same page and she is in line with the advice we are getting here and from Dr. H.

Our emotions ramp up when we dont hear from her for days on end and she doesnt answer text messaging that are very short and simple...Hey, hows it going today?

Its her safety I worry most about. I dont like him, dont share any common values with him and have accepted this is her choice for however long it may be?

My wife heard from her very briefly after texting and calling her today numerous times.

DD18 said mom just relax, I forgot I had to work this morning

This is not the case because we know for a fact that she was in town today.

I think maybe we are empowering her to be more secure in her decision? Maybe we need to just let her go and pray for the best?

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Originally Posted by KGaa12
My wife heard from her very briefly after texting and calling her today numerous times.

DD18 said mom just relax, I forgot I had to work this morning

I can tell you after raising 7 kids with the youngest being 21 that this was very common with girls who want their independence. And I strongly, strongly caution to you about sending tons of messages when they dont answer right away because it will push them away more.


FWW/BW (me)
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by unwritten
I just want to point out here that this is a very difficult time for your marriage too! I have seen many friends have marital problems when they have had to work together to handle difficult child issues. I just want to advise you to make sure you are focusing on IC and POJAing your decisions regarding DD18. Make sure you are staying true to the MB way of life more than ever right now.


Demonstrating a marriage that makes your wife phenomenally happy is a good way to show your daughter there's a better way to live.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Didn'tQuit, when was the show?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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