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KGaa12,

I'm sorry that you're going through this with your daughter. I can tell you that if I were in your shoes, I would be struggling as you are. However, the posters on this thread have given you sound advice. Your attempts to "talk some sense" into either your daughter or her boyfriend will only push her further away. My last comment isn't to suggest that you're treating your daughter disrespectfully in the manner you are trying to get her to understand the dangers, only that any method you choose will likely fall on deaf ears, or worse, push her further away.

It's not easy to sit by when you see her living with someone that you think is "bad news". It is my understanding that many people her age move between wanting more freedom and more security. Don't be surprised that if you let her make her own decisions (and mistakes), that she'll change her mind and return to you and your wife.

I have a good friend that I've known all my life. When she was 19-20, both she and her younger sister rebelled against their parents. Her parents were a little older than usual, in their early 60s. The parents were strict Catholics and wouldn't allow them to use alcohol or marijuana (or worse) in the house, wouldn't allow boyfriends to sleep over, etc. The sisters both decided to move out because "they were adults" and wanted to do what they wanted, and not abide their parents' rules. After less than a year on their own, and seeing some of their friends overdose, or go to jail, or whatever, they both decided to go back home to their parents. They had also struggled financially, underestimating how expensive it was to live on their own. They ended up with wonderful relationships with their parents.


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I am holding fast to the advice here. I havent really spoken with her in weeks. Her and boyfriend moved to NYC where he allegedly has some family.

Neither of them are working so obviously I assume the worst; drug dealing?

I have heard through the rumor mill from some now distant associates of his that he was a source of drugs.

DD18 admitted she was no longer working at the job in DE, if she ever actually was?

We are doing what we can which is very little than speak with her on occasion?

DD18 told wife that she had almost saved money to pay off car; without a job?

I know I am supposed to remain neutral and supportive and I do , as I dont bring up any of this to her.

As a Dad I just want to break through to her because I know she is on a bad path and maybe even in over her head.

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Just be there for her when she falls. I know how hard this is, but she will come around!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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DD18 visited wife and I at home today. We both tried to keep conversation relative to her now living with BF in NYC now.

There were some tears in her eyes when she spoke of her emotions for him BUT some parts where she doesnt trust him.

DD18 says she wishes she could also have parts of her family but you tell she has fallen DEEP for this guy.

What worries me is my DD18 is simply a good person in her heart and wants to be loved. This guy is from such a different background and DD18 is already expressing some doubts and basically doesnt let him out of her sight.

DD18 did bring up her car and wants to have it because she states if she ever felt like she wished to leave she would have an easy out.

She knows I require her to get her own insurance because I fear him driving it and he is not licensed.

I dont know how to feel. I feel sorry for her because I can see her goodness and want she wants and can just tell this guy is that material.

But I kept my mouth shut and just told her how glad I was she came to see us and thats i miss her and am concerned for her as I always will be

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Well the situation has finally broke me to the core. Saw my doctor the other day because of massive acid reflux and pain in chest.

Onset came on kind of quickly and my appetite has tanked along with some other symptoms. I have fought reflux for years but this is bad and am hoping all works out and is not a more serious medical issue going on?

I have high anxiety and I think depression is setting in? Some days I dont really even feel like getting out of bed?

With all this going on; my job has presented an offer to move back west to work where we would be closer to our families. It is tempting only because of all the crap we have been through.

Hoping physical health improves but I literally feel like I am falling apart from the inside out.

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Kgaa, I'm so sorry. Did you talk to your doctor about antidepressants? I ask because you remind me of how I felt in 2012 just before I finally broke down and did that - it was a good decision.


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Update:

DD18 returned home about a week ago to visit. The visit turned into her and boyfriend considering trying to find work in the area and staying here.

We gave her limited access to her car to look for work and go and see him at an apartment where he was staying.

Last night daughter became unreasonable and wanted him and her to stay at house.

We declined him staying because we have not even had the opportunity to meet and get to know him.

We told her the door was always open to her and that we would be willing to meet him and talk.

DD18 declined. DD18 was upset that we wouldnt let him stay the night at our place.

The two of them are now saying they are going back to NYC where he has family and a place to stay.

I expressed my concerns to DD18 and said they should maybe date and build there lives?

My DD18 is not flexabale as his family in NYC will obviously allow things we wont like sleeping in same bed together.

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I would never allow an unmarried adult child to sleep together in my home. When my son brought his fianc home, they slept in separate beds. That is disrespectful of her to even ask. Hell to the no.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Why would she ever imagine she could treat your home as a flop house?? I am really surprised she believed that was a good idea to ask you that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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DD18 asked to stay the night here again after a fight with boyfriend. She slept on the streets with him last night because we wouldnt let the two of them stay here.

Shes tired and exhausted. Gave her a hug and a place to stay tonight. Shes showered and clean and getting some rest.

Hope for the day it comes to an end?

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I misunderstood you. I thought they wanted to SLEEP TOGETHER at your home but they were only asking to stay there, but not necessarily together?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I hope I can make this as brief as possible but I wanted to update everyone on two separate aspects of my situation.

1. My DD18 returning and living at home now.

2. My job relocating me back near my hometown.


1. DD18 returned a couple weeks ago (most here know the back story from previous posts).

As advised here, we welcomed here back and did our best not to be critical of her and the decisions she previously made leaving the home unannounced to everyone. DD18 has been staying in our guest apartment (by her choice). Of course things are not the same, but most conversations are relatively peaceful.

We began to allow her to use the car in an effort to have her try and get back on her feet. She does go see her boyfriend and it is our understanding that he kind of goes place to place with old friends looking for a place to lay his head.

We know that DD18 has tried or actually had the boyfriend at our home when we were not present. This is not speculation, but my wife observed the two of them pull up in car together shortly after we left for a 2 day trip out of town. After returning home I also found partial cigar pieces on the patio and we don't smoke.

As of yesterday DD18 started job at old Sports Bar employer. DD18 has expressed that "as of now" her intentions are to try and save up enough money to secure her own apartment with boyfriend in the local area. DD18 told wife that she gave the boyfriend more or less an ultimatum that he needed to secure employment and start making progress or she would be making decisions on how she wanted to handle her future.

I guess my question is simply; Do we continue to allow her to use the car to tote this guy all over the place? DD18 has not made a payment in 3 months and has not put gas in the tank. DD18 woke up today and told me she was heading out to drive "someone" to school. (High School). I said "oh;ok. It is likely a friend of her boyfriend.

2. As many of you know we located here 5 years ago after wife's affair. There were additional reasons for the move to include job for wife (that included college tuition discount) and an opportunity for me to return to a state job I had left years ago.

My employer has now offered me somewhat of a promotion to return to the western part of PA. I would be tasked with basically developing and running a smaller version of the unit that I work in here. This will place us close to our hometown.

I have been evaluating how I feel about this, but we are pretty far down the road of accepting the position and the relocation. I have been to hometown several times over the past 5 years; and don't seem to be affected by "triggers" and the past. I know with a great deal of certainty that wife has had no contact with OM and understands (we both do) how to protect of marriage. Wife would not be working with OM, be living close to any of his family and nor would I be working where I would be exposed to him.

Our other DD22 still resides there as do all of both of our families.

DD18 has indicated at least at this time that she is going to try and remain here with her boyfriend "If all goes good" but would decide in the next month if she would consider moving back close to home?

Wife has indicated that she would like to be closer to family but asked how I felt about moving to our hometown area.

I have mixed feelings; but all that we have been through and learned I feel we have to be able to protect and understand how to live in our marriage and that should allow us to be wherever geographically we chose to be.

Like it or not our entire families reside in this area and we have to be able to function there as well. We both have returned several times over the years for family needs ect; and would continue to have to do this throughout our lives.

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Wow so much to consider! Did she start college?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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The biggest concern with your plan is the OM. Doesn't he live in that town? You have gone through hell for years to move away, why would you put your marriage back in that position?

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I guess my question is simply; Do we continue to allow her to use the car to tote this guy all over the place? DD18 has not made a payment in 3 months and has not put gas in the tank. DD18 woke up today and told me she was heading out to drive "someone" to school. (High School). I said "oh;ok. It is likely a friend of her boyfriend.


The issue isn't her carting around the boyfriend [haven't we already covered this endlessly?] but that she doesn't have a job and is not paying her bills. If she is not going to school I would expect her to work and pay her bills.

Glad she is back home!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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DD18 has began to work at her previous employer. Her stated intentions are to begin paying for car again and try and save up for a place for her and boyfriend to stay.

The issue will be; DD18 will devise her priorities as follows:

1. Save all monies for goal of staying in apartment with him. (He hasnt ever secured job yet)

2. Put gas in car.

3. Make car payment or some part of it to me with whatever may remain.

I guess my stance; pay car or lose it if your not attending school.

In a perfect world I would prefer to not put my marriage back on that position. I have been letting this OM dictate every choice in my life for nearly 7 years!

I have an opportunity to now take the job I secured back to the western part of the state where my family and other daughter is.

My career does not superceed my marriage and my other family doesnt superceed my wife; but when does it simply come down to she (my wife) needs to always choose me (our marriage) in life?

OM is just one man that is dictating all that I do in life.

Now, I remain being vigilant and intentional in my choices if going back near home.

1. Wont be working anywhere near OM, know where he currently works.

2. Would be looking to purchase home in a separate town south of city where OM lives life.

3. Wife is looking for employment in an area where we would both agree on with the obvious notion that it would be no where in proximity of OM.

We both will continue to be transparent in all we do.

Yes, it is easier to remain here in the marriage category; but life involves more than this including other family members.

But I also know others have survived and recovered without ever relocating. By my own admission I did need to the peace of mind to move 5 years ago, and I believed my wife needed to see life away from there to clear the fog from this evil chapter of our lives.

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All of the risks that were present 5 yrs ago are present today. You moved away so that your wife - and you - would not be in close proximity to the OM. Being in close proximity to the OM means that the risk of a resumption of the affair goes way up because her feelings will be triggered. When her feelings are triggered, she will be in a position to resume the affair. You seem to imagine that you are immune from this because it has been 5 years. The fog will come back once she is triggered.

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But I also know others have survived and recovered without ever relocating.


I don't. But I do know many others who have resumed affairs because they didn't move.

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. He must certainly not work with his former lover and should probably live in some other city or state. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by KGaa12



OM is just one man that is dictating all that I do in life..


So you will show him by risking your marriage again! Good move! shocked


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Will not argue that collectively the risk increases. Of course it would.

But it also may be a dead affair. I will never trust him and I would almost be certain OM has done nothing to protect himself or his wife from his desires to chase women.

We can never remain totally immune from our hometown where are entire family exists.

I have nothing to prove to OM.

Husbands and wifes divorce every day and get remarried and continue to live in proximity to each other often share children. Isnt this similar in nature. They are not jumping right back with there ex after many years of deep feelings and a Romantic relationship.

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These are the same arguments you made 6 years ago. If you want to see my response to these very arguments, go back to your old threads. #GroundHogDay


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Don't worry, I am sure you are immune.. If it happens again, no big deal, right?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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