Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
In the overall picture you are right. But not all situations allow families to move away and keep a healthy mind.

Dr. H has also indicated that you have to be happy wear you are living life. You can even become resentful to your spouse when he/she is (was) the cause that you pulled everyone away from what you know.

I will be more apprehensive living there but many things need to be weighed out.

I am sure that my wife would deny that she would be triggered if/when seeing other male.

Til this day she denies she had any real love for him; admitted to being in love with the attention she was getting mainly the conversation. Wife feels she gets what she needs from me and our relationship has changed.

This is very tough for me to decide because I am deciding between my entire life or my marriage that may do just fine there.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Please don't twist Dr Harley's words to justify what you know he would advise against. Just admit you are going against his advice, which is fine. You don't have to twist his words when we all know he would not approve.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
So basically I am screwed. House is sold here; we intended on selling anyway because it was way to much house; my job is under impression I will being relocating to western part of state.

I have been resentful since moving here years ago which has hampered my ability to view my wife in a positive light.

Yes ideally; one wants to check all boxes off when this strikes but that is simply not reality.

I guess I dont completely understand? I had a one night stand affair when we first married. If I returned home and saw this women in passing it would generate absolutely nothing for me to desire something with her.

I agree is it always riskier; of course; but is it probable, not likely.

I dont feel these are black and white answers; just a very difficult decisions with many moving parts. My wife and I surly cant dissappear on a island and isolate ourselves from the rest of the world or our family.

This totally sucks; choosing again between where to live, extended family and wife.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
Wife is enthusiastic about it. Wife has been traveling back and forth due to sick brother. My job here has required that I travel 50% of the time across the state.

I have become resentful to wife due to missing important family events (such as grandfather passing) and overall it just didnt work out here.

My job now is asking that I return to the western part of the state. I initially tried to go to north Pittsburgh to remain away from hometown, but office location is in transition so they denied it.

Intentionally found house 30 minutes south of city where OM lives. Wife is intentionally going to work even further south of our home just to provide comfort to me due to situation.

We plan on putting all MB practices into play just as if we never left.

This is all we can do. When parents begin aging and wife would have to go there anyway; their is a risk.

We can never change where our hometown is. I understand the best advice is get away. I respect that but not everyone can disappear into the abiss forever.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
As I write this I am experiencing one of the toughest most draining decisions.

Against what I feel inside, I have elected to remain where we are located because ultimately I care most about my wife and my immediate family.

I wanted so badly to take advantage of this job opportunity and be there for my parents back where I was most familiar.

With all the challenges to include my DD18 reminding here and continuing to be in relationship with a boy that is tearing my wife and up, I have searched deep and looked beyond all of this; taken the advice here and remain committed to my marriage.

I told myself long ago that the OM will never again experience the privilege he should have never had to even see my wife in passing as long as I walk this earth.

Im trusting in God that he is pointing me in the right direction and I will someday find true joy.

It is a difficult time. We have cancelled the purchase of a home; likely will lose $1,000, but I care more deeply about the people in my life.

Thanks again.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
KGaa, I am sorry you are experiencing such turmoil but I know you made the right decision. You have enough problems in your life without adding a new one to the mix.

I want to also give you hope about your daughter. I predict she will come out of this as she matures and start making good decisions about her life. Don't let it tear you up. [i know easier said than done!] I can barely remember the crap my son pulled when he was that age and today he has a successful career, a nice home, a wonderful wife and is expecting his first child in January. He is a wonderful man. But he went a little crazy in his late teens but starting maturing in his early 20's. She will grow out of this! Just be there to love her and support her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
I think the hardest part is that Im a person that just wants to please everyone around. I want my entire family to be together and I always have felt and obligation to take care of my parents as they age.

I also have a daughter that remains in our hometown shes finishing her last year of college. It is so hard stay in an area when I can so easily go back but I guess I have to keep focus on why and what brought me here in the first place .

I have to keep telling myself that my daughter could choose to be with somebody like this no matter where we chose to live but its very easy to blame the place on her decisions. There are times that I felt like she wouldve never met this man had I not had to move here. You just become very resentful towards things.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by KGaa12
I think the hardest part is that Im a person that just wants to please everyone around. I want my entire family to be together and I always have felt and obligation to take care of my parents as they age.


You can still do that, but you need to find a way to do it that doesn't pose a risk to your marriage. I took care of my dad in his last years living on the other side of the state.

Quote


I have to keep telling myself that my daughter could choose to be with somebody like this no matter where we chose to live but its very easy to blame the place on her decisions. There are times that I felt like she wouldve never met this man had I not had to move here. You just become very resentful towards things.


She would have still had bad judgement regardless of where you chose to live. She will outgrow it, though. You just watch!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
Well we think we found an apartment in the area since our house here will be sold as of 10/12.

We lost $1k deposit in-house in hometown. Fell kind of ill over passing up this opportunity, but I am working hard to see the brighter side.

Wife had confrontation with DD18 yesterday after daughter had the car and told wife she had to work at noon.

Wife drove over to apartment where DD18 was hanging out with POS boyfriend for majority of day with car sitting outside. Wife got keys told DD18 to get her stuff out and wife brought car home.

Boyfriend showed his face and wife had some choice words for him. DD18 has not contacted us since this incident.

Wife is a wits end with this kid and what his influence is doing to daughter.

We will just keep pushing on. DD18 hasnt made a car payment in months, but said she will have one for next month?

She can make her own choices but not at our expense any longer.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
We were allowing DD18 to use car only for work purposes since she hasnt paid in months; not to tote POS and his buddies around.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
As if we dont have enough going on. Hoping for some insight here.

Wife and I have been fighting the last couple days to the point it has become toxic. Of course DD18 is still conducting her life in the same manner with POS boyfriend which has both of us at odds.

To make things worse DD15 has now come to us expressing her interest in an 18 year old senior boy at her school.

DD15 did innocently make an effort to reach out to this kid unknown to her at the time that he was 18. DD15 wants to keep speaking with him and would like to maybe meet for a bit to eat somewhere as friends.

DD15 has come to wife and I about this request.

Wife feels like DD15 should be able to go and meet with him only as friends and only after us meeting him here at home first. Wife feels like if we play hardball we risk DD15 rebelling like DD18 did and look where that got us.

My position has been to help DD15 understand and to support her in going through these difficult high school years but at the same time to draw a line in the sand due to this boys age.
I had a peaceful conversation with DD15 yesterday trying to get her to see the logical side of things and to explain how this boy is st a different stage of life than her.

Wife and I tried to discuss but it ended in a huge argument with totally different views.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
K
KGaa12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
I wanted to come to an enthusiastic agreement in the child conflict situations but what is there to negotiate when wife is ok with DD15 meeting as friends and I stand my position as boy is to old, plan and simple.

Wife said she would emphasize to DD15 that this would only be a friendship and nothing more. Wife said she would also explain this to 18 boy when meeting him.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Boy is too old, plain and simple...

Only it is not plain and simple. It is just your perspective. And your W has her own perspective.

Despite what you say, it does not seem at all like you were interested in POJA here. It seems like you were interested in persuading your W to see it your way.

Did you have an agreement with DD15 as to when she was allowed to start dating?

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by KGaa12
As if we dont have enough going on. Hoping for some insight here.

Wife and I have been fighting the last couple days to the point it has become toxic. Of course DD18 is still conducting her life in the same manner with POS boyfriend which has both of us at odds.

To make things worse DD15 has now come to us expressing her interest in an 18 year old senior boy at her school...

...Wife and I tried to discuss but it ended in a huge argument with totally different views.

You MUST stop fighting and arguing over your different views. Having different views is no reason to fight. Fighting will destroy your marriage.

I've been reading your older threads, and I've been reminded that you enrolled in the online programme. Is that correct? If so, you have direct access to Dr Harley, via the private online forum. You should post to him about the problems you face with both daughters. I know that your wife did not use the programme with enthusiasm, but this should not stop you from writing to Dr Harley. You should do that as a matter of urgency.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by KGaa12

Wife feels like DD15 should be able to go and meet with him only as friends and only after us meeting him here at home first. Wife feels like if we play hardball we risk DD15 rebelling like DD18 did and look where that got us.



You and your wife need to negotiate this decision but it sure shows a lack of caring to allow a 15 yr old CHILD to be around an 18 yr old man. Seriously.

STOP FIGHTING!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 5 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 17 guests, and 81 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5