She is 39 and I am 28. I feel like we were fighting over petty things for so long that she started to shut down emotionally and even sexually. I didn’t pay enough attention until one day when I was rubbing her shoulders while she was using her computer. I saw her phone receive a text and she immediately shut The screen off, when I asked her what that was about she told me it was nothing. I kept pressing and eventually she said she’s talking to friends about how she wants a divorce. That was about two months ago. After that she moved to her brother’s house. She won’t talk to much about our relationship and insists divorce is the only option. We have been married for three years but together for about 10. Once in awhile we would hang out during this separation and even give each other massages (no actual sex though). It seemed odd to me that I could do pretty everything except have sex when we did hang out. During this separation she was planning to move to Nevada with her friend of about 15 years who is a women. She just got there recently. She still texts me and everything and I have had problems with rants in the past over texts, although I have figured a lot of these issues out and am no longer doing these same mistakes that caused this desire for divorce. I have researched these problems a lot and had a lot of time for introspection because of how terrible this divorce is. She isn’t trying to ruin me financially or anything either. She has left me with the house that we still owe most of the money on etc. She only took what she wants that she cares about with her. I do suspect that there is some kind of affair but I can’t prove it. I tried getting access to her Facebook, her Discord (gaming and voice chat service), PayPal, email, but she seems to have changed her passwords at some point. Both our Facebook pages don’t display our current relationship status and the last post says: “Don’t be afraid to start over again, you might like your new story better.” I just don’t know what to do. She knows I am working on my old bad habits and she knows I love her and want to fix the relationship. She will respond pretty quick to
My texts if we aren’t talking about the relationship. She has even told me before to date someone else. What can I do?

Also she has told me a few times many guys are trying to get with her but that she’s not interested in any relationships right now claiming that they are too much work. She texts me like we are really good friends though. Although she says that , she also has said she is not interested at all in fixing our relationship. Should I respond to texts especially when she is talking positively about her life? If I do reply do I act like I am fine now? Or do I tell her I cannot talk to her because she has abandoned our marriage?

Welcome to MB.

How does a friend just move to another state with your wife? Doesn't the friend have a life and responsibilities of her own? This seems like a very big commitment for a friend to make, and I suspect that this is where the affair lies.

How far is Nevada from you? How can you find out what is going on? Can you hire a PI in that state?

I should have said she was moving to her friend’s house in Nevada. I am in Florida so she’s cross country. I don’t even know her address. She says she isn’t attracted to her girl friend at all when I have asked before. Her job is online so it allows her to work from anywhere. I may be able to hire a P, but I am not sure I could afford
It to be honest. Thanks for the reply though

Just to be clear: Are you male?

Yes I am. There are no children involved. Yesterday I just went plan B by sending her a document I wrote on Word. I can’t figure anything else to do now since she has put herself at such a great distance. She was still being friendly in texts and even texting me first at times, but the problem was that she would keep talking about starting her life over etc with others like on Facebook. If I talk about the relationship she gets really mad and says I can’t take no for an answer.

What made you think that Plan B was the correct course of action? Less than 24 hours ago you started this thread saying "I want to reconcile". Why such a swift move, without waiting for advice? What has changed since last night?

Do you realise that in your situation, with no kids and a relatively short marriage, Plan B is likely to end the marriage?

Have you been together since you were 18 and she was 26? What had she been doing in her romantic life before she took up with you?

I do want to fix it, but she has told me so many times that nothing can make her change her mind. Yes, I do realize it’s possible that she may just unfortunately divorce me. I still do want to reconcile, but with the distance she has put between us and the way she talks to others and myself about the marriage makes me think it’s likely my only choice. She had been divorced about two months before meeting me by her husband at the time which did hurt her a lot. When we got together though she really did fall hard in love with me and it was that way for years even though I wasn’t the best at the time for her. She has no interest in her ex husband and he is in Florida so I am sure he is not involved. She was 29 when we met. I did send her a letter that was based on a template I saw on a forum here. This is the one I sent her:

”(My Wife’s name),
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make this situation possible. I foolishly did a lot of wrong while not understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistakes.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs, but I cannot do that as we are now. Talking to you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of this divorce and your continual pursuit of another man, and I simply cannot be talking to you anymore knowing that you are doing this. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to discuss whatever has been going on honestly and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be in this situation again. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we were together and I continue to care for you right up to this day only with a better understanding then I had before. But I cannot talk to you or help you as long as this marriage is being abandoned.

With all my love,
(My name)”

In response she texted me “Ok, but I don’t know what man I am pursuing” And we didn’t respond since then. I may have made it worse. IDK, but I figure to take it back right away would only hurt things more. Plus at least for now I can think a little clearer.

I should add that she had sexual abuse in her childhood that caused her panic attacks and great anxiety that she got medicated for long ago. She also had once cheated on her first husband. He couldn’t trust her again and she said she would never hurt someone like that again when we talked about it years ago. Her husband also told her he couldn’t handle her panic attacks. So I think that’s why he divorced her. At the end of us living together she was seeing a therapist which has helped her deal with a lot of these problems, but I think it also helped her to go for this divorce. I didn’t always deal with her complaints well, and we really never had much space. I am sure that would have helped immensely to take a step back . In fact I have told her last month that the separation was very good so I could take a step back and address the problems and see that I was being needy and defensive and overly critical. I was also very insistent when it came to sex. If we had the separation before she decided to divorce we would have been in a much better place. I have dealt with a lot of this stuff through the separation through reading and introspection and even some talking to her when she would mention what was wrong

Hi HelpusObi, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am not sure where you got the idea that "separation" is good for marriage. It only increases the risk of divorce. If you had separated sooner, you would be further along in the divorce process. If you have a broken down car in your driveway, do you go work on the car or do you drive to Cleveland? See, a marriage can't be fixed if you don't fix it. You can't fix it if you are not there. Separation is only a trial for divorce, it does nothing to help marriages.

You have some confused ideas about marriage that won't help reconciliation. I don't think it is probable you will reconcile, but going into Plan B is about the worst thing you can do. It won't help you reconcile and is not intended to do any such thing.

I suspect her last marriage ended in the same way. She had an affair[s] and he couldn't take it anymore. Have you spoken to her ex to see what happened?

Thanks for replying MelodyLane. I meant that we needed a little time to ourselves to breath and figure out things before we were doing so bad. We hardly had time to ourselves. Not an actual separation. She insisted on leaving, I had no choice in that. If it were up to me she would definitely be living with me still.
I only went into Plan B because she insisted on being so far away and ending the marriage no matter how hard I tried to fix it with her. I tried but she seems to have given up on us completely besides saying we could remain friends. Should I back out of plan B now? Or just continue in it? How would I back out of it, if I should, without making things worse by going back on my word? It’s only been two days of no contact so far. I also suspect it will end in divorce unfortunately. We both own our house for now, but she got everything she needed transported out to her friend’s house already.

Her Ex and I have never talked before btw.

Help, I agree it will likely lead to divorce anyway. I guess at this point it really doesn't matter if you stay in Plan B or not. I just wanted to point out that the point of Plan B is not to fix a marriage or effect reconciliation, but to protect the emotions of the betrayed spouse.

Ok. Thanks, do appreciate the input.

Do you have access to her online phone records to see if she is texting with someone?

Wish I did. We have separate phone bills. I tried to get into her account to find anything, but she seems to have some password/s I don’t know. I do have her address now because of an order she made on Amazon that we share.

And you can’t afford a PI, correct?

Do you have contact with anyone that would share Intel with you?

Do you want to save the marriage or move on?

I ended up talking to her tonight. We had fun talking but it wasn’t about the relationship except for the typed letter I wrote. She understood my feelings at the time I sent the letter. I was confident, I told her about some stuff, I listened to her, we had a good conversation and then I told her I had to go back to work and for her to have a goodnight. She said talk to you later.

I can’t afford a PI, I am paying a lot of bills atm and am honestly not sure if she’s cheating or not. No I know nobody who will share with me what’s going on.

I want to save the marriage for sure.

I have a suspicion of who it is because he is a guy she plays an online game with. She posts stuff on his Facebook timeline like 3x. He is a guy who has liked some of her posts but really I don’t know how to figure out for sure.