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Joined: Apr 2021
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Me and my fiancé have been together going on our 4th year. We have known each other our whole lives and I trusted him with everything. We both got divorced with our ex spouses, we both had kids from our prior marriage. We began dating and it got serious, was weird because he was like a brother to me. I never in a million years thought he would ever hurt me. We were best friends...the first few months were rocky, he betrayed me from the start. With lies, cheating etc.. he broke my heart. I decided to give him another chance, he promised he’d never hurt me again and sounded so sincere. We went on for about 3 years after that... only to find out he never stopped any of it, only got better at lying. I found out he was living a double life. Still in love with his ex wife and ex girlfriend... trash talking me with his ex wife, lying to be alone with her, spending money going places and lying to me. Addicted to pornography.. never instigated sex with me... when we did have sex I could tell he would just try and hurry it up. I trusted him, didn’t nag him, was faithful and always there for him... I thought we were a happy family. I was wrong. His ex wife is an awful person, I mean a straight psychopath. I never thought I’d need to be jealous of her. It all came out around the end of 2019. I decided to end it, I had never been treated so awful in my life, so deceived... I didn’t see the signs at all... he acted like everything was great and he was happy!!!! Well... I found out I was pregnant with his child after deciding to leave him. With Covid hitting, me being pregnant and having 3 other kids (from prior marriage) and his 2 kids (prior marriage) and my pregnancy being complicated, me having to quit working, I decided we needed to stay together until we can part ways. I have him a reality check and played through every scenario and asked him what he thought would happen, talked to him about our family and everything he has etc.. he told me he was going to leave me, his unborn child and my kids to “get his family back”. There’s so much more that happened that is beyond messed up. Long story short, he came clean with all his lies over time and told me he wanted to work things out with me and that he wants our family. To me sounds like we are last resort now that his ex wife don’t want him, his ex girlfriend just remarried... now he wants us?? It all ended up being empty promises and empty words once again... I had a miserable pregnancy... spent my days staring at a wall after crying so much I couldn’t anymore. Yep, did this just about the entire pregnancy. I have no family, no friends, no one to talk to besides my grandparents who are almost 90 yrs old and can’t hardly hear me and I have to yell and keep repeating myself. My life revolves around my kids. This is why I felt like I had to stay. No where to go, no support group, nothing. The entire pregnancy, I talked him through everything, attempting to understand, fix it, get counseling for him.... I later found out he wasn’t even listening. I never felt so worthless. One day, when I had about 2 months left in my pregnancy, I got my days mixed up and took the kids to a dr appointment a day early. He was upset with me about it. The dr office is about 45 min away. I had suggested to make a family day and do something together since were here (we live about an hour from everything) he shot me down. I stared out the window silently crying the entire ride home. (A mix of pregnancy hormones and my depression from everything going on, and how dismissive he always was towards me). That day when we got home, he finally paid attention to me. He listened to me and actually cared that I was hurting ..for the first time. From that point on he has actually changed. I planned on us separating after our baby was born, but she was in the NICU for months. He said he fell in love with me the moment our baby was born and stopped being in love with his ex wife. He was amazing, caring, loving etc.. completely threw me off. I thought he would go back to his old ways but our daughter just turned 7 months and he works everyday to make up for what he’s done.He wasn’t perfect but Everyone makes mistakes, it’s the effort that counts. We are finally getting to where we can separate, with baby out of hospital consistently for a few months now... I can’t deal with his ex wife and all her drama. He obviously can’t just kick her out of our lives. I just can’t take it anymore. I decided to give him another chance, but I don’t know if I can deal with her having phone conversations with him, him dropping and picking up kids from her, her manipulating the kids against me etc... I seriously wish he could have had an affair with just about anyone but her! I am still so hurt by everything he did... she is a constant reminder and I don’t trust her and barely trust him! Should I give him another chance, should I leave... how do I handle her??? Please help, we have a family and I want so badly for it to work.

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Originally Posted by DPayne2018
Me and my fiancé have been together going on our 4th year. We have known each other our whole lives and I trusted him with everything. We both got divorced with our ex spouses, we both had kids from our prior marriage. We began dating and it got serious, was weird because he was like a brother to me.

Welcome to MB.

Did you end you marriages in order to be with each other? if not, why did your marriages end?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Nov 2010
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Welcome to MB.

Just want to confirm. You aren’t married to him, correct?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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No we did not end our marriages to be with each other. His marriage was over for years before we got together, mine had been over for about a year. His marriage ended because of a bunch of reasons. During a period of time when we quit keeping in contact for a few years he became a drug addict. He was sober for over a year and had gotten his life back together before we started talking again. I never knew him when he was using drugs, only that he had turned his life around. His ex wife was popping pills as well. The girlfriend I mentioned is a huge reason. So basically they had problems from the beginning, her out partying and cheating on him and acting crazy starting physical fights, and him a drug addict . So basically he was about 24 years old at this time, her around 22 yrs old. He started cheating on her with a high school 16 yr old girl! He ended up going back and forth, sleeping with both. They both ended up finding out about each other and he was still sleeping with both. They ended up both trying to get him. Until they both came together and made him decide who to be with. He chose the girlfriend. That relationship went on for about 3 years, he ended up cheating on her a few times with his ex wife. Was lying to her etc. She started cheating on him eventually. She broke things off with him and he lost it. Got real bad on drugs, lived in the woods... stalked her basically. She ended up calling him every now and then, sleeping with him while in another relationship then going back to her life. Which gave him hope and messed with his head. He could barely talk about her without having a panic attack when I found out he was still in love with her December of 2019. I talked him through it, showed him his memory of her is in his head. She is not that person anymore. Had him play out there relationship if they had stayed together. I helped him get over her while I was pregnant with his child. I thought he would let her go and we could work on us... I never thought he would even get along with his ex wife. She disappeared with their kids for 3 yrs. wouldn’t allow him to have any contact even though he legally had visitation. Married another man and made the kids call him dad, and him by his name. Alienated the kids telling them awful untrue things. He loves his kids and is an amazing father. She didn’t care he was sober and doing good. He would literally cry in his sleep over missing them. I was there for him through all of this. She only came back to terminate his father rights so her husband could adopt them. Now he has visits again. I thought they didn’t get along... but really he was talking bad about me with her, basically making sure she knows he ain’t happy, lying to me saying she won’t let him see his kids if I’m there, to be alone with her... there’s a lot more. He was going to leave me, our unborn child and his step kids to go back to her. So I basically helped him get over his ex girlfriend only for him to want his ex wife. Still didn’t want me. He didn’t even really talk to me. When I tried to have a serious conversation about something or tell him how I felt, he wouldn’t say anything back he would just sit there. He didn’t appear sad, angry or anything really, I honestly don’t think he even listened. After the baby was born admitted that he didn’t care about me or the baby, after he had changed and actually fell in love with me. He said he fell in love with me and the baby the moment she was born. That’s also when he quit loving his ex wife. He’s been amazing... but I still wonder if he still loves her. I had no idea about all of this stuff until right before I found out I was pregnant! He’s dang near perfect now.. I don’t know what I should do.

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We are ... were engaged. He says he wants to spend 4 years together where he’s making me happy instead of hurting me, everyday making up for his mistakes before he proposes to me again. The last proposal was basically a sick joke to kill my suspicions. He didn’t want me, he didn’t want to be alone. He was waiting for assurances from his ex wife that she would take him back before leaving me. Were not married.. I guess it just feels like we are. I’m so used to calling him my husband because we have this giant family and home together. Us and a total of 6 kids. So we refer to each other as husband and wife. We keep our problems to ourselves, so we appear to be a big happy family. The kids don’t know either. I have a daughter and twin boys from ex husband and he has a daughter and son from his ex wife. Then we have our baby. Everything is so perfect... I don’t know how I could be so sad... this is why I’m conflicted with leaving. The ex wife drama doesn’t stop! I can’t get over it with her constantly in our lives causing problems.

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I want to marry him, I just don’t know if I should. We have a family together and love each other. Can y’all please still give me advice?

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First step is to adress the cheating. You will never be happily married if the cheating doesn't stop.

He betrayed you from the start, that is no good foundation of your future.

He lied to his ex wife about you and his girlfriend, he lied to you about them.

You write "everything is so perfect". What I read is far from perfect.

Can you explain why he would be a good husband?


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