My wife had fessed up to having an affair in November of 91. I immediately went into counseling to deal with the baggage I brought into the marriage. Once I was done with personal counseling, my wife and I entered marriage counseling and started to learn communication techniques. This was in early 1993. See, my idea of communicating was yelling, and her idea was to not say anything. That does NOT work. Since then my wife has admitted her method of communication contributed to the issues that led to the affair. I owned up to my part years ago.
Before my wife started getting serious about learning communication techniques, she would just sit in the counseling sessions and clam up. After several weeks of that bull crap, I woke up one day and decided I could not live like this anymore. It had been a painful 18 months of me trying to repair our marriage. I discovered that not only does it take two to destroy a marriage, but it takes two to repair a marriage. As painful as it was, I went to see a divorce lawyer that specialized in father custody. It was painful to see the lawyer because I never, ever stopped loving her, even though she had cheated on me on me.
So, at the next counseling session, she was clamming up again. I stood up, looked at Marilyn, our counselor, and told her I was tired of living like this. I than looked at her told her I saw an attorney, that she was getting served the following week, and I was getting custody of the kids. That was on a Tuesday. The following Saturday, she was leaving for work at and she came into my room, (I had moved into the spare bedroom), she was crying, and she said she still loved me and did not want a divorce. I heard her cry all the way to the garage. She came home around noon, and we went to an event at the local elementary school our oldest son attended. I noticed she was wearing her rings again. I was cautious and waited until we got home to find out what was on her mind. This was in May of 1993.
When we got home, I asked her why the change of heart. She told me she loved me, that she was sorry, and she did not want a divorce. I asked her why she lied to his wife.
(I had gone to the OM’s apartment about two weeks before and ratted him out to his wife on what was going on. The OM comes to the door and begged me not to say anything. He even called my wife at work and told her I was there. The fact that he had her number should have been a red flag. My wife lied to her and said I was a very jealous husband and that nothing was going on. I later found out he had our home number too)
Anyway, she told me the reason she lied is because she did not want to put his wife through what I went through. I accepted that explanation. She also told me she never wanted to put me through this again. I loved her so much that I believed her.
So, that day, my heart gave in, and I agreed not to get a divorce. I gave her my heart and soul that day and blindly trusted her. As I said, I never stopped loving her. I am about to get personal here, but you need to hear this. That night we made love, and afterwards, we were lying in bed next to each other and she started crying saying Oh my God, what did we almost do? I started crying too.
We went to our next counseling session and told her what happened. She was very happy! She told your mom that she had been waiting for her to stop clamming up, as that was the only way this was going to work. She also said that when we left after our last session, one of two things was going to happen, we were either going to get a divorce, or we were going to reconcile. She was very pleased with the outcome. We had a few more sessions with until my wife was bumped to night shift. Our counselor told us to keep up the good work and continue with our commination techniques.
After toying with the idea of having another baby, my wife told me she was pregnant. This was March of 94. We were both thrilled! She and I both looked at the pregnancy as a fresh start for the both of us. A solidification of the rebirth of our marriage! We went to the birthing classes and got prepared for everything. All the while I took care of her throughout the pregnancy. Then came the big day! Our third son was born! Such a beautiful baby! I was so proud and so happy that I cried.
We went on with our lives and enjoyed each other and our three boys. We had great communication and loved each other very much. Lots of family vacations, birthdays, holidays, etc.!
Our youngest is now 27 years old and is getting married in a few months. His future in-laws gave him and his fiancé an ancestry.com test as a gift. Well his tests results came back and it stated we are not related. I told him that was impossible, so he took another test and was waiting for the results. The following Saturday morning, my wife and I were sitting on the couch. I decided I had to ask her if there was a chance that the OM was my son’s father. After I asked her, she started crying. She grabbed me, hugged me very hard and said she was so sorry. Twice she did that. She asked me if we were still good. I told her yeah as I began crying my eyes out.
She told me that had she known he was the father, she would have had an abortion because she wanted nothing to remind her of him, or the shame and guilt of cheating on me or that awful period in our lives. I remember wiping my eyes and looking into hers and telling her that if she had gotten an abortion, we would have never had the pleasure of raising him, and then she started crying. She wanted to make sure my love for him did not change, I asked how could it? I raised that boy and loved him to death.
We have since started the healing process; twenty-eight years of her devotion was a big part in the healing. However, the major factor was when I got cancer five years ago and I saw and experienced her love for me. I continually fell so much in love with her that, with God’s help, I could overlook transgressions from 28 years earlier and forgive her.
Back in 1993, when we got back together, I just locked that segment of our lives away and never addressed it. Apparently, she waited another 10 months to lock that segment of our life up. Regardless, the both of us went forward and loved each other all the way up to now.
During conversations we have been having, she said she reconciled with me for the wrong reasons. She was scared to death that this angry mean person was going to get custody of her kids so she decided to reconcile in order to protect. Apparently, she never noticed that I had become a changed man.
Since our healing began, we have been talking about those awful events in our lives. She said that it took some time, but she no longer felt comfortable being with the OM and was trying to break it off. I believe she realized the counseling I went through for my baggage had changed me and I was no longer that angry person anymore. She fell in love with me again! So again, she was trying to break if off with him. She was hardly seeing him anymore. But he called her and because he was still in her head, she met up with him, and that is how our third son was conceived. I’m not sure, but I believe he called her again and she told him she didn’t want to see him anymore. She told him that she loved me and her family and did not want to see him ever again. A few weeks later, she found out she was pregnant. She assumed I was the father for 27 years. She told our sone that she never questioned the paternity.
I have since contacted his ex-wife, a dear sweet lady, and she gave me the history of the OM, complete with the horrific details. He abandoned her after 30 years of marriage for some younger woman. He also had been cheated on her for the entire marriage. She also informed me that while he was violating my wife, he was screwing too other women. The OM is a real piece of work. She said to tell my wife not to be too hard on herself, as she was a victim of the OM’s “charms”. She went on to say we are all victims of this serial cheating SOB and the man has ruined countless lives and marriages. He is a serial cheater and thinks that because he has a set of balls, he can screw anyone he wants. His MO is to find vulnerable women and worm his way into their heads, having them believe he loves them and they fall for it. His own daughter hasn’t spoken to him in years.
We are going through the healing process one day at a time. The only satisfaction is that my wife really does love me, intensely.
My problem is that I still feel betrayed, lied to etc. It is very hard to deal with right now. The only thing that I keep in mind is that this is a situation unlike what occurred 30 years ago. In this situation, my wife has shown nothing but remorse and love towards me. When she saw the DNA showed the OM was the father, her whole world just exploded and she was very afraid I would divorce her over this. My wife was deathly afraid of losing me and wanted to make sure we were good before she explained to our adult sons what occurred 30 years ago. I don’t know what she told them, as I gave her the privacy to talk to them. When I am around her, I feel nothing but love for her, but when I am left to myself, the dark thoughts come creeping in and this is where I need some advice.
