Hello everyone<BR>I've been dating this really great man. To be honest I felt like the kids in Mary Poppins when they wrote out exactly what they wanted in a Nanny and it all came true. With my boyfriend it ALL came true. He is romantic, thoughtful, family oriented, and most of all his had God in his life. We've been dating for over 9 months now and I'm sure to many that seems to be very little time, but he had started talking about marriage within the first couple of months. Of course, I was estatic to have someone like him even think about marriage with me, but. Yes, but. Recently he said that he had had a feeling that we are not meant to be with each other for a lifetime. <BR>You see, he was married before and he said at one time during their courting he felt they were not right for each other, but he chosed to ignore those feeling and marry her. Five years down the road she ended up having an affair and asked for a divorce. Well, now he says he felt like he thought that I was the one, but doesn't think he can handle being wrong again. He says he doesn't know if it is God who is putting doubt in his heart or if it is just his fears. I don't know what to tell him. I told him I could not give him a guarantee, all I can give him is my love. He asked me to give him some time and let him look for some answers and if they led back to me then he would know in his heart that we were meant to be. Well, we've taken time apart and I do not call him and he calls every day and asks me to do things with him. I thought the answers were bringing him back to me, but now he says he doesn't know if he brings himself to me or if it is God's will. I asked him what is it that he wanted and he said he wants God to give him answers. What can I do???? Please I need help!!!!!

Hello,<BR>I'm sure you are very confused right now.<BR>First of all, I want to say that God does not put doubt into people's hearts. Your boyfriend wonders if God is putting doubt into his heart or it is just his own fears - doubt, fear, worry and confusion do NOT come from God. They come from our own humanness, and when we choose to try to handle things ourselves rather than turn them over to God.<P>It sounds like your boyfriend is afraid because of the obviously heartbreaking experience he had with his former wife, and I can understand that. It is natural to be "gun-shy" when you have been hurt badly before.<P>However, that was one situation and one person. It is not fair to you, for him to judge you and your relationship based on what happened with his ex. It is an entirely new and different thing, and he should treat it as such. You both should be concentrating only on YOUR feelings and YOUR relationship issues, NOT what happened in the past.<P>I understand his doubts, because when I pray sometimes or have a decision to make, I feel as if I don't know whether thoughts in my head are just my own doubts and desires, or whether it is truly what God is telling me to do.<P>Usually what I have found is, if the thoughts are accompanied by confusion and doubt, they are NOT from God. If he is worried about you not being the right one, and those thoughts are filled with confusion and fear, then I don't think those thoughts are from God. I think they stem from his past hurts and experiences. He is afraid of that same situation happening to him again.<P>The fact that he is calling you every day obviously indicates that the love he has for you is real, he is just torn between that and his fear of a repeat of old pain. His desire to take a little time to think this through is a good plan, and one that you should do...yet he seems to be even confused about this, since he calls you all the time. That is not taking time with clarity away from the issue - by talking every day, you are still too close to each other and the issue to see it clearly.<P>One thing you haven't mentioned, that I would ask both him and you, is are you praying about this problem? You both should be praying about it every day. And if your boyfriend is willing, a tremendous work could be done if you prayed together about it. God will not leave you alone to figure this out, but you have to ask for his help.<P>My fiance and I also began talking about marriage within the first couple of months, because we felt the right things about each other from the beginning. We got engaged one year after our first date, and are planning a Jan. 1st wedding. We still have some issues to work on - but you would not believe the wonderful things that have come into our relationship when we prayed about issues together!<P>I would suggest you do several things (some of which you may already be doing.) Pray about this a lot, alone and together. Reassure him that you are not his ex-wife, that your love is true and loyal and although she must have told him the same things, it is not fair for you to be punished for her actions. He needs to have faith and trust in you, or you will have no kind of marriage. And I think although he SAYS he needs some time away, he is calling you because he knows in his heart you are the one he wants, he is just scared. So I would suggest to him that you need some TRUE time away, not talking or anything, maybe just for a week or two. Time to not cloud your prayer and thinking time with your conversations and issues. Do not accept or return his calls; you can leave messages letting each other know you love each other, miss him, etc. but try not to talk, try to give him what he needs (time) even though he isn't capable of sticking to it alone.<P>I believe if you do this, and pray about it, the answers will be clear to both of you.<P>Hope this helps. My email address is shelley@rpsrelocation.com if you want to converse.<P>------------------<BR>

Hello there, <BR>First of all, I want to tell you that when anyone makes a major decision like marriage then doubts are bound to come up once and a while. I agree with Shelly, doubts do not come from God, they come from our own humaness. <BR>I recently got engaged and of course once and a while would have doubts. I was quite upset one day and decided to call my mother and hash it over with her. She then gave me some good advise and told me doubts are a common part of life. Very few things are clear cut, but the important thing to do is remember your past emotions and thoughts when you are confuzed. <BR> If your fiance even asked you to marry him then he must of given it a lot of thought and prayer and made the decision, now he needs to remember back to that decision. If he asked God if you would be a good marriage partner for him and then received a "yes" answer, then that is his answer, he shouldn't go on asking for more. <BR>This is a common problem among engaged couples. It is a time full of many questions and important decisions and often has doubt once and a while. <BR>The fact that he is calling you shows that he is emotionally attached and misses you, but if you have both decided you should have this time away then don't keep talking to oneanother. <BR>I also think you should seperately pray about the decision you have made. God gives peace, so when you receive peace then know he has spoken. I know that God loves each one of us and cares for us individually. He knows our pain and our troubles and is eagerly awaiting us to open up to him and talk to him through prayer. While he does love us and care for us, he doesn't give us all answers on a silver platter, he expects us to "do our homework" and try hard on our own to make decisions. Think back when you were a little child, if your mother always made every decision for you and told you what to do then you wouldn't ever have learned to make your own decisions and live your own life. Part of growing is to make our own decisions. <BR>One last point, I have always found it more helpful to make the decision first and then move on to ask God if it is right. Try this method, it is the one taught in my church and the one I have always followed. <BR>Also, I don't believe there is "one" person for us to marry, that we are all searching for our other half. There are many people you would be compatable with. The secret to a happy marriage is simple--hard work. Tell your fiance that he can make a good marriage-they just don't happen on their own. <BR>You both shouldn't proceed with the marriage if he continues to have these doubts, because they probably would turn to be a self-fullfilling prophesy, meaning he made divorse happen because he believed you weren't the "right one." <BR>Decide if you are right for eachother, think if he fulfills your basic needs and you his. Take some premarital tests or do some counseling. <BR>good luck, my heart reaches out to you, this is a tough time of life, but then again life is tough. <BR>take care, <BR>Jena <P>if you do want to talk my e-mail is jenagirl86@yahoo.com<BR>

I think Jenna makes a good point. Most of what makes a marriage successful is the work on both partners' sides. I, also, do not believe in the "One special person" in all of the world that makes our other half. While certainly some are much better matches for you than others, I think many people could be happy together with a committment and hard work.<P>So, even the fact of what happened in your boyfriend's previous marriage...there were obviously some problems there, to which he contributed also. Even though his wife had an affair, he was not blameless in whatever problems were in the marriage. I would never suggest to him that he deserved it, that is not what I'm saying; but in any marriage it takes the hard work of both people.

I wanted to thank those who responded, I really appreciated your help. Last Sunday we decided to take some time apart. We agreed there would be no contact, but unfortunately we work together so there will have to be some communication. We have left email open. I have a new question. We are not engaged and he says he loves and cares about me, but he just doesn't see a future with me. Ok that hurts and I'm trying to understand that. My question is....If he feels this way why does he hold on to me? Why can't he let me go? He tells me not to give up on us and he thinks this is something we have to got through to be together. I'm not sure I really understand. I guess I feel if he is so sure he doesn't see a future with me why does he still want me around? I'm not sure why I'm still around. If any of my friends came to me and said that the guy she was with told her he didn't see a future with her I would tell her to move on. So, why don't I move on? The only answer I can come up with is because I love him. Why is that enough for me? He says he loves me, but why isn't that enough for him? <BR>To respond to some of your responses my boyfriend told me he is not comparing our relationship to his ex wife. He says he does know that we are two different people. He said his feeling and confusion feels different than the one he had with his ex wife. <BR>Again, thank you for both your suggestions. They have come in handy. I would appreciate some more advice.<P>Thank you

Unfortunately, the advice I would give to you is the same you would give to your friends.<BR>I, too, would have to question why he is clinging to your relationship if he sees no future with you. I don't understand why he says "this is something we have to get through to be together".....if he does not see you in a future together??? In a way, it doesn't make any sense.<P>However, I feel like he is clinging to you because you are safe and you are there, and you are obviously willing to let him, until he is ready to move on and/or finds someone else. In other words, he doesn't see a future with you, he doesn't want to be engaged or anything; yet, as long as you're still willing to take him in whatever way you can have him, he is going to use that because you are comfortable and familiar and most of all, you are THERE, until he has the courage to move on or until he finds someone else. The fear of the unknown is greater than his courage to just make a clean break, or his responsibility for your feelings, not to string you along like this.<P>And this is the problem. This is where you will have to make some tough decisions. Obviously if you work together it complicates things, you still have to see each other. But it sounds to me like you are allowing him this "semi, as much as he wants for as long as he wants it" relationship. Your choice is either to go along with it and take whatever you can get for as long as it lasts, or to decide that you deserve more than that, you deserve someone who is fully committed to a relationship with you, and if he can't give you that you are going to make a clean break so you can be true to yourself and be available for the guy out there who does want a future with you, and wants to commit to that.<P>I understand how hard that is, especially when you feel that there may be any vestige of a chance here. However, if there IS any possibility that he is just confused and really will make up his mind that he wants a future with you, I feel the only way he will get off this fence he is walking is if he gets a dose of reality and the possibility of losing you. As long as you allow him to have the semi-relationship with you he now enjoys, he will take advantage of you.<P>If you give him the push and say "I deserve more than this, I deserve a full committment, and this relationship is over unless you can ever commit to me fully," you will be doing yourself a tremendous favor! BELIEVE ME, I have been there!!! And it was the best thing I've ever done! One of two things will happen...either this relationship will not work out, in which case you are much better off and can get on with your life, finding the man out there who really deserves you and can commit to you. OR your boyfriend will realize that he does love you and does want you, and will come back to you. But that will never happen I'm afraid, in the "comfort zone" you are both wallowing in right now.<P>In my case, my boyfriend continued to call me, even a year later, and we talked as friends and he talked about how much he loved me and what a depression he had gone into after losing me, etc that he wanted us to try to work things out. And I decided to see what that would be like (this was about a year after the initial break I made). And you know what? After one weekend of getting back together, I made the decision that I didn't want a relaationship with HIM! I didn't feel he was the right one for me and his waffling really de-masculated him in my eyes. And I am now engaged to a wonderful guy who has never given me the slightest iota of doubt as to his feelings for me or his commitment to our future. And I am SO GLAD I didn't end up with my ex, because such a better relationship came to me.<P>Let me know if you need anything else. I know your decision is hard. I'd like to know what you decide and how it goes for you.<P>------------------<BR>

Hi Texas -- Just a couple thoughts about your boyfriend's situation. You mention that he was divorced but you don't tell us how long ago that took place. I found that it does take some time to process the failure of the first marriage. The time seems to vary from 1 to 4 years. <P>As others have here, I sense he is scared because he might make another mistake. This tells me that he may not have forgiven himself for the failure of the first marriage. Since we are our own harsh judges, this is very difficult. He should also consider and come to forgiveness of his former spouse. After working through the five stages of grief we arrive at forgiveness and letting it go. If we can't do that we enter the new marriage with all that baggage which will unfairly be visited upon the new spouse. I have found that if you don't deal with these old tapes they deal with you and with every close relationship you have. It can't be helped. We're created that way. <P>I don't see a problem with you both dealing with it and each other every day as long as it is on a loving honest basis. Keep all eyes wide open. Deal with reality. Love is a choice. It is accepting each other as is. Getting married is the most tremendous leap of faith I know. It literally states, "I give myself into your hands for the rest of my life knowing that you accept me for what I am and I accept you in the same way, through good times and bad, with no exceptions." <P>Don't be afraid to state what you need. Don't settle for wishy washy promises. Accept committments only. Marry your best friend and fertilize that friendship by putting your marriage first, above everything on this earth. I need not remind you to make God the other person in your marriage. <P>Good Luck and God Bless Bob<BR>E-mail: rsltexas@swbell.net<p>[This message has been edited by RSL (edited April 23, 1999).]

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to respond, but I have been so busy lately. Again, I want to thank everyone who sent in a response. All of you have helped tremendously. My boyfriend and I are back together and everything is going great. I gave him this web site address so he also kept track of all of your responses. We felt that we still love each other and although we can't predict the future, we feel comfortable in putting our relatioship in God's hands and take things one day at a time. Again, thank you for all of your responses.<BR>May God be with all of you,<P>Texas

OK,<BR>I need advice again. My boyfriend and I have been doing great. I feel a lot closer to him, both emotionally and physically. Since we have gotten back together I told myself that I was not going to talk about marriage unless he initiated the conversation, that way he doesn't feel pressured. He has brought up marriage a couple of times, but just talk nothing serious. I love talking to him about our future because it feels good.<BR>Anyway,<BR>We both agreed that we want God in our relationship and we will accept God's will. My question is..........I'm kind of scared of writing this, but here it goes....<BR>I love this man and I do see a future with him. I love his honesty and his integrity. We have had an intimate relationship and we have been together for a year now, but I'm wondering is it Ok not to wait until marriage to be completely intimate? When I'm with him I want to be with him completely. In my heart I don't feel wrong being with him, but I so much want to do the right thing. When we got together we said we were going to wait for marriage. I don't want to use my feelings of seeing a future with him as an excuse. I guess I really don't know what exactly is God's point of view on premarital intimacy. My boyfriend is not pressuring me at all, he says he feels like me. We want to be together, but we want to do the "right thing"? Is it normal to have these feelings? Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.<P>Thanks,<BR>Texas

Texas,<P>I've followed your story and read the majority of the responses which were good. Your question in your 6/15 post was, "you really don't know what God's point of view on premarital intimacy is". One thing it is not or rather does not condone is premarital sex. This is fornication which is not honored by God in any way no matter how we "feel". Yes, it is normal to have these feelings. Anyone who has experienced the joy of lovemaking and enters into a relationship would be somewhat inhuman to not have the desire to share intimately with their mate. However, this is a pleasure designed and set aside for man and wife...period. I don't mean to sound harsh or unfeeling, believe me, I've been where you are as well as many here have. If you and your boyfriend really desire to do what God wants and are truly seeking His will for both your lives and and your relationship, then you will abstain from further sexual intimacy until you both have agreed on marriage. This is if you TRULY want to please God in All that you say and do. <BR>Just think of it this way; since you've already been intimate and it was wonderful, if it's God's will to join the two of you together in Holy matrimony, it will come to pass; if you seek Him with your whole heart, He will and can keep you from sin IF you allow Him to. To truly know God is to trust Him completely. If your boyfriend is not pressuring you for sex, this will and can work for the two of you; don't entice him intentionally. Trust the Lord to keep you under control until you guys have come to a decision concerning marriage. If more people would enter into a relationship with these important factors in mind, they would be more successful. It's a good thing that the two of you are interested in what God desires. Keep Him before you always, and you can't go wrong; seek Him in all things and He will lead you.<BR>I hope this has been helpful information to you and again, I hope that I don't sound self righteous because I'm not. In the book of Romans, Paul reminds us that All have sinned and come short of the glory of God. There is none righteous aside from Christ.<BR>Be encouraged; you're doing the right thing in considering the master's plan for your lives. If you're thinking along these lines, its has nothing to do with what YOU'VE decided but what God by the power of the Holy Spirit, has placed in your heart.<P>May God Bless You and Keep You

Hi Texas,<P>Only the two of you can make the decision if it is OK to have pre-marital sex. To me, from reading your previous messages I think I would wait. I am on my second and last marriage and I have learned a lot of what love is really about. I was divorced for five years without any prospect for any real relationship with a woman. I was barely dating. I asked God to please show me what to do to meet someone that I can love and be loved by. Two weeks later I met my new wife. We fell in love quickly and yes we had premarital sex. I have been with the woman for three years now and I still feel like a school kid with a case of puppy love. We spend every moment together. We are the best of friends. I never had a doubt nor did she about us spending the rest of our lives together. When I hear that you needed to separate with your boyfriend to find out if the relationship was right, worries me. Please, take your time. <P>I did what your boyfriend did in his first marriage in my first marriage. I also knew that I had doubts but I went ahead anyway and married her. It took 10 long years for us to realize that it wasn’t right. We have two children that have to deal with a broken home now. As much as I love my kids I can only see them 2 or 3 times a week and that’s hard. I don’t regret my kids, but I know that my first marriage was wrong. I think if there is ANY doubt in either mind then you should be very careful about future plans. Forever is a long time.<P>PS. My new wife had also asked God for help the same two weeks before we met as I did. That is true spiritual intervention. I thank God every day for her and I live my life always with him in my mind. I find I’m a better person. There is true love out there, you just have to trust God to show you where it is.<P><BR>