My fiance' currently took out a loan for his sister to buy a car. The loan payments are deducted from his pay (bi-weekly. The payments would be $234 monthly. We do live together and share responsibility for our household. We also have two car payments of our own. He says his sister is going to pay him back on a monthly basis. His sister is single mother of three(on welfare) barely making it on a part-time pay. His mom is suppose to assist her also. His family constantly borrows monies and never pays back and his parents are struggling right now trying to help his youngest sister raise her son,(she lives at home and has no job). I explained that due to us planning our wedding and trying to save money that I did not think this is a wise choice. I also indicated that I don't think his sister is going to be able to pay him back on a monthly basis and we are going to have an extra debt that we really can't afford. He told me "it is not my place to tell him what his sister can afford and that it is his money,he works for it and he will do what he wants." I believe in helping family when you can, as I do mine. But there are limitations and his family seems to cross them all the time. His mom makes him responsible for his whole family. His father is living and working and if his mom wants to truly help his sister why don't they take out a loan for her to buy a car. They take advantage of the fact that we do not have children and both have good jobs. I don't want to be burdened with this extra debt. I indicated that we could possibly give her a cash loan to repair the car she has right now. This is the only two subjects we can't seem to see eye to eye on (money and his family). What am I to do? If he goes through with this I'm sure I will call-off the Wedding. I refuse to be responsible for his families financial well being. Am I wrong in my thinking on this subject?<BR> Thanks<P>------------------<BR>JDC

I would have to agree with you. She's an adult and if she REALLY needed the car loan all kinds of financing is available (even if she's been bankrupt or something huge like that) rather than making someone else responsible. <P>Does your fiancee already realize she can't afford it? It could be that's why he's being defensive. <P>Good luck. I would think long and hard before letting this slide. You really need to have an agreement about loaning/giving money before you're married so you don't get labeled as being the "tight-wad".<BR>

Thanks for the advice. We have come to resolution, no loan. <P>------------------<BR>JDC

Congrats :-) Money and family seem to be "loaded" subjects within relationships.

I would agree,those subjects always seem to lead to a heated conversation. <P>------------------<BR>JDC

JDC,<P> Yes, balancing our families with our marriages can be difficult - in not downright catastrophic.<P> You and your F both have a point, you are right to be concerned about the financial burden, and - for the moment - it is "his money". That will not be the case when/if you get married. You and he will have to agree that when you marry, such decisions will be made jointly. You could actually make the argument that since you and he "have a contract" that this should even have been the case with the loan for his sister.<P>If you were to enter into some kind of financial agreement now that would affect you both 5 or so years into your marriage, would he be so accepting of it? I wonder.<P> I guess you have the choice to decide whether you wish to "accept" him with the pre-existing financial debt or not.<P> I also wonder if he will treat "his" money as "our money" after you marry. Have you discussed who will write the checks? How much will be spent on cars, vacations, tithes, loans to family? It may seem petty to insist that these things be agreed uopon now, but I think it will save arguments and hard feelings in the future.<P>Best of luck to you,<BR>Val (the Husband)

It is good to know that others see my point of view. This is not about being wrong or right, it is about thinking beyond today.<BR>The loan he was going to take out would have ran for 2 years and that was in direct conflict with our wedding plans. When it comes to finances I'm usually the person in charge of writing checks and making sure the bills get paid, a responsibilty that we share with both salaries. We opened a checking and savings together this year. I have to say that Craig is a very generous person and because of his generosity and his not liking to dissapoint the ones he love. He tries to please everyone. I'm not making an excuse for him, I know this is the reason. He feels as if he can do it, why not, His problem is he never looks past the moment.<BR>Though this is something that gets on my nerves about him, I think it is also admirable that he is willing to do this for his sister even though it is not feasible.<P>After the heated words and a moment to think he realized himself what I already knew. That is how I know things will work out, after he takes time to think the whole thing thru he realizes I'm not trying to be right I'm just trying to get him to look at all options before making a descision. <P>Thanks for the reply. <P>------------------<BR>JDC<p>[This message has been edited by JDC (edited April 19, 1999).]