My step daughter, 19, has been dating a 30 yr. old,just released from prison in April, for only 3 wks. Tells us last nite they're getting married. There is SO MUCH history to tell to bring someone up to date. Won't go into that here but if anyone has been in any kind of circumstance similar to this, please respond.

Thelma,<P>I have no related experience, but my heart goes out to you.<P>Take some deep breaths and remember to find a way to be on your daughter's side.<P>HM

I have no idea how I would react to this. <P>Do you know anything about this guy? Does he have a job? Is your step daughter pregnant? How did they meet? <P>Is there any way you can find out why he was in prison without asking him? Call me cynical, but I would have trouble believing anything he told me. <P>Does your stepdaughter have a history of this kind of impulsive behavior? I am trying to figure out what the attraction is. Has she dated anyone in the past? Is she trying to rescue him? <P>I am pretty sure "Tell me all about him" would be a better conversation starter than "What do you want with THAT loser?". Come what might, you want to preserve the relationship you have with your stepdaughter, and instantly labelling her fiancee a loser because he is an ex-con is not going to help with that. On the other hand, it is entirely possible that he <I>is</I> a loser, so your stepdaughter may need your help at some time in the future. <P>I guess you want to be supportive without helping your step daughter to do anything stupid, like marry someone she hardly knows. Maybe if you ask innocent questions like "Gee, what will you live on?" and "Should we invite his parole officer to the shower?". <P>God be with all of you. I pray you will not need as much help as it is possible you might.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522

Go out right away and get a copy of Relationship Cure by John Gottman<BR>Make as sure as you can that the read at least the first chapter--the one that explains "bidding" and turning toward, turning away, and turning against.<BR>They just might make it if they can master the concepts.<BR>The main problem of ex-cons isn't just their lack of socialization going in--it is that they all pick up more pathological means of dealing with people--by being the tough guy.<BR>Good Luck<BR>r

Thank you for your kind words and advice. Trust me, we have asked MANY ?'s. She is definitely in "rescue" mode and he's happy to hang onto her as his life preserver. No, she's not pregnant, but we fear she may be before too much longer. She was dating a nice, balanced, solid Christian young man for about a year. Because he had a life (college, job, friends, etc.) she decided he wasn't paying enough attention to her. SO, the VERY DAY she broke up with him, she started dating this guy. His boyfriends group of friends had included him in their group to be supportive of him and his decision to get back into church, etc. Oh, by the way, he was in prison for breaking into a building, stealing a car, and violating parole by having a weapon in his car when stopped for speeding. Please do pray for us. Only God can bring good out of this. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by roger:<BR><B>Go out right away and get a copy of Relationship Cure by John Gottman<BR>Make as sure as you can that the read at least the first chapter--the one that explains "bidding" and turning toward, turning away, and turning against.<BR>They just might make it if they can master the concepts.<BR>The main problem of ex-cons isn't just their lack of socialization going in--it is that they all pick up more pathological means of dealing with people--by being the tough guy.<BR>Good Luck<BR>r</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have read Gottman, actually used a textbook he wrote in a class. My husband is a therapist and actually runs a group at the local jail. Ironic, right? It's just scary. They are both emotionally and socially immature; like two 15 yr. olds. She is just focused on getting married and always has been. She's dated 2 boys, one was 15, she was 17, then the last one is 20. She pressured both of them for a marriage committment. This guy just came along and to him, she's a princess. No one his age wants to date him. She doesn't even have a job; all he can find is minimum wage work; he lives with his parents, has no vehicle and no driver's license. I just can't figure out what either of them are thinking. Thanks for words of advice.<P>

I don't have much advice. But being a former nineteen year old, I know anything you completely disagree with she will do. Even when it comes to marriage. Young people at that age dont get what it takes to be married. Most think its so easy and great cause you get to always be together. They don't realize how much work it is. <BR>I remeber the need to break away from parents and I would have done anything to get them to realize I wasn't a child any more. So please make sure your not putting her or him down to much. you may end up pushing her to him instead of away.

Thanks for advice and I totally agree. I married at 19 and it was totally infatuation, but no one could tell me that. 17 yrs. later I divorced. We don't put him down to her; what we've said is to them both...to take time, get premarital counseling, get finances straight first, etc. It's just so scary. Her dad went to the counselor yesterday, she's to go with him next week. <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lonelyarmywife:<BR><B>I don't have much advice. But being a former nineteen year old, I know anything you completely disagree with she will do. Even when it comes to marriage. Young people at that age dont get what it takes to be married. Most think its so easy and great cause you get to always be together. They don't realize how much work it is. <BR>I remeber the need to break away from parents and I would have done anything to get them to realize I wasn't a child any more. So please make sure your not putting her or him down to much. you may end up pushing her to him instead of away.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>