Hw, in answer to your question, Yes my H is a minister in the same church as the OM.<P>I frankly cannot take it anymore. Today I am a little frustrated but I guess it is a part of the withdrawal process.<P>I want to cry, I want to rejoice. As mentioned above I did see OP and his family in church. Right now I still cry inside because I do still feel the love feelings for him. So seeing him so happy with his wife, (which I encouraged) did have an effect on me. <P>I feel like he is also deceiving me, because this whole thing has brought me to a breaking point. However he seems fine. If I could just erase how I feel that would be wonderful.<P>I want to heal, I want to forget, I do want to run. <P>Please excuse my sadness today....no one ever said that it would be easy to break away.

No my sister, it isn't easy and withdrawal symptoms are perfectly normal in any addiction, so it makes sense here too. It must be so hard doing right and being the only one suffering. You also have the sense of rejoicing for doing what is right, feeling more free than you have in a long time. I am thankful for that. If you find yourself sliding deeper into a depression, I do urge you to go to the caring pastor or another counselor or even one other woman in the church who could support you while you go through this. <P>The policy of complete honesty would free you more in that if your husband understood the emotional upheaval you have gone through, he might be able to come along side of you to do battle together. Perhaps you just need to rest in the Lord for a few days, reflecting and praying, listening for his wisdom, for He does say, "Be still and know that I am God."<P>I prayed for you and your husband all through church this morning. You are so strongly on my mind.<P>Hugs!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Psalm 51<P>For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.<P> PS 51:1 Have mercy on me, O God,<BR> according to your unfailing love;<BR> according to your great compassion<BR> blot out my transgressions.<P> PS 51:2 Wash away all my iniquity<BR> and cleanse me from my sin.<P> PS 51:3 For I know my transgressions,<BR> and my sin is always before me.<P> PS 51:4 Against you, you only, have I sinned<BR> and done what is evil in your sight,<BR> so that you are proved right when you speak<BR> and justified when you judge.<P> PS 51:5 Surely I was sinful at birth,<BR> sinful from the time my mother conceived me.<P> PS 51:6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts*;<BR> you teach* me wisdom in the inmost place.<P> PS 51:7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;<BR> wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.<P> PS 51:8 Let me hear joy and gladness;<BR> let the bones you have crushed rejoice.<P> PS 51:9 Hide your face from my sins<BR> and blot out all my iniquity.<P> PS 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,<BR> and renew a steadfast spirit within me.<P> PS 51:11 Do not cast me from your presence<BR> or take your Holy Spirit from me.<P> PS 51:12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation<BR> and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.<P> PS 51:13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,<BR> and sinners will turn back to you.<P> PS 51:14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,<BR> the God who saves me,<BR> and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.<P> PS 51:15 O Lord, open my lips,<BR> and my mouth will declare your praise.<P> PS 51:16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;<BR> you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.<P> PS 51:17 The sacrifices of God are* a broken spirit;<BR> a broken and contrite heart,<BR> O God, you will not despise.<P> PS 51:18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;<BR> build up the walls of Jerusalem.<P> PS 51:19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,<BR> whole burnt offerings to delight you;<BR> then bulls will be offered on your altar.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Father, I lift up qu this morning asking for strength and guidance equal to your unfailing love. Guard her heart and let it not be hardened. Give her a boldness to take the light out from under the basket and let nothing remain in the darkness. Expose all that is not of you.<P>Give her husband your loving heart, and a sensitivity beyond understanding. Help him to lean on your rather than his own mind and let him feel your presence in a mighty way. Let qu feel safe with him so that she might receive solace and compassion for her error and that they might rebuild this marriage as you designed it.<P>Protect the babies Father, let their childlike innocence pour out over this family and let the love that they freely give be as infectious as a terminal disease. Let this whole family catch it!<P>Father, for this pastor that has followed his own path instead of yours, be a heavy thumb on his back and let the burden of his behavior weigh heavy on him like a millstone around his neck. Protect his wife and children and let their love pour over him that he might repent and be reconciled to you. Give him courage to seek help.<P>Help this body of believers become like the Philadelphian church rather than the Corinthian one. Help them to hold this man accountable and then to receive him again in your love. IJN, Amen.<p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited September 18, 2000).]

qu78,<P>Just a few quick thoughts - <P>The emotional upheaval you are feeling is to be expected. That thought helped me so much. Knowing that kept me from running and trying to fix the hurt. The hurt is inevitable and therefore should not take you by surprise. It cannot be avoided, you have to go through it.<P>Also, continuing to see the OM (even from a distance) will be extremely difficult for you and make your recovery very hard. I can't imagine going through that. <P>I agree with SueB - take a few days, pray and talk with GOD. See what he will have you do next. Often complete honesty with your husband is the best way for healing and recovery. Maybe you will need to change churches. Pray about it and then speak with your husband.<P>In the meantime, praying for you and encouraging you to keep persevering. You have done well. Remember, go day by day. Each day you keep doing the right thing is a victory.

Withdrawal is not a pretty place to be, and although I've been bashed under "emotional needs" I was basically just trying to see if anyone saw a different side to this. <P>Maybe I am fooling myself, but from all I've read---this type of behavior or questions from me is normal., however painful.<P>I'm still fighting. Maybe I'm fighting because I want what I want. and right now very little else seems to matter.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Psalm 130<P>A song of ascents.<P> PS 130:1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;<P> PS 130:2 O Lord, hear my voice.<BR> Let your ears be attentive<BR> to my cry for mercy.<P> PS 130:3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,<BR> O Lord, who could stand?<P> PS 130:4 But with you there is forgiveness;<BR> therefore you are feared.<P> PS 130:5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,<BR> and in his word I put my hope.<P> PS 130:6 My soul waits for the Lord<BR> more than watchmen wait for the morning,<BR> more than watchmen wait for the morning.<P> PS 130:7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,<BR> for with the LORD is unfailing love<BR> and with him is full redemption.<P> PS 130:8 He himself will redeem Israel<BR> from all their sins.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi qu, well, I am glad that you came back here then. I am continuing to pray for you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by qu78:<BR><B><BR>I'm still fighting. Maybe I'm fighting because I want what I want. and right now very little else seems to matter.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Now that sounds much better than staying with the OM! You go girl!

2TH 2:16 May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, [17] encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.<P>How are you doing qu? you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Qu78,<P>First I’m not a woman, bug hopefully I can still contribute. I know the feelings you having and the struggle you’re going through. I cry because I know you and others including myself go through it each day. They want more than they are getting from their marriage partner. Eventually we look other places not to start an affair but to get needs met - to talk to others who struggle with similar issues. I won’t try to talk you out of it or even change your mind but I will share my story not because I want to change your mind but because if you ever change yours, you need to know all things are possible though Christ who saves us.<P>I had a brief affair Mid 99 as I was separated from my wife. It really was a culmination to the three-month emotional affair I had prior to that. I love the OW, I care about her, I cry because I cannot be with her and I have wanted to slit my wrists a few times because the pain I’ve dealt with is far greater than I could ever have imagined I could handle. <P>The decision to me came down what I had to lose and what I had to gain. Three children and a wife who was willing to forgive me and work through the problems: or a women who ended her marriage, was emotionally involved in a prior relationship, who met everyone of my sexual needs and who told me she loved and needed me. I gave up I couldn’t make the decision. <P>I went away for a week and spent it by myself in prayer: asking God not to fix anything but reveal his will for my life. I did this because I feel he loves me the most of anyone and I thought he certainly only wanted what was best for me. As I did this he revealed why my marriage was in such bad shape and placed a burden on my heart for my children and my wife. He did all of the work and I ended the affair. I wont take you into all of the gory details, how many times I wanted to go back to the OW, how may times the OW told me I could still have her if I wanted to. I will say that all things are possible with God. <P>I never wanted to end my affair only to divorce my wife and marry the OW. I now can’t image what I was thinking and why I even considered this as an option. Now if I didn’t have three children it may have been a lot easier for me to proceed with the divorce, however ultimately I do think if I had done the same thing God would of placed a different burden on my heart for my wife.<P>I don’t pray for your marriage but for you – that you will submit yourself to God’s will in you life – whatever that may be. Ultimately that is the only way anyone will ever be truly happy!<BR>

I pray willy, that the Lord is showing you how to restore your relationship to your wife. You say alot about your heartbreak, but nothing about how God is showing you how to love yor wife again. I assume, by what you say that He is. <P>He is able to work all things for good. But I truly believe that when you return to your spouse and family the goal must be to work together and make it better. The Lord does not want the same old relationship and ways of relating that you had before. <P>I pray that the Lord has also worked in your wife's heart so that she too is trying to work this out with you. I pray that each of you let the Lord reign in the middle of your marriage. I know this is not an easy road, that you have taken, but i do believe because of our Lord that you will find it more rewarding in the end. Thanks for sharing with us. I wish my h could see this.<P>Father, <BR>I know that You have restored this marriage. Lord, I pray this h and w call on You each day to show them how to restore their relationship with you and each other. Lord, I pray they build their relationship on your principles. ord i pray that love will abound in this marriage, so that Your glory and power will reign for all to see. So that others may see that You truly are a God of restored marriages. In Jesus name, Amen.

Wow, Willy, thanks for sharing part of your story. I know from personal experience a similar dilema. It is very hard. I am still healing, maybe even just beginning. <P>I, too, was very loved by the OM - in a much stronger way than my own husband ever showed me, though I know he loves me too, in his own way. For me the decision came down to choosing God's way - like you did. I agree that having children seems to make the choice clearer (though not easier), yet deep down I know that in the end I still would have chosen God's way, children or not.<P>You were wise to go off by yourself and seek GOD, trusting He loves you and desires your best. Of course, He does in accordance with His ways, He is unchanging - and thus He gave you a burden for your wife and family. <P>You said you now can't imagine what you were thinking of doing previously - does it mean you are feeling in love with your wife again and thankful you didn't lose her?<P>It is a tough road (which our sin got us into), I am encouraged by your story and your obedience. Tell us more if you care to.

Willy,<BR>I was just reading some of your older posts. How ARE you and your wife doing now?<BR>

Night and day is the difference in our relationship now. Night and day is also the difference in my relationship with God.<P>I didn’t come back to my wife because I was in love with her or because I even felt like I loved her, I came back because I felt God was leading me to and that my only chance for happiness in my life was to follow his will. Certainly I hoped to have and have a better relationship with my wife. A friend once told me we choose whom we love and whom we don’t. I chose to love the OW and once I realized what that would lead to I chose to love my wife again. No matter what I felt like I would love her and I waited for the feelings to come back and slowly they have returned. Today we talk, we fight (which is a step up because I used to kind of whimper away like a dog when I was hurt), we laugh and we hold each other. We also pray together a couple of times a week. We have a lot of work left to do but in the twelve years of marriage the last has been our best.<P>It was my wife’s prayers and her faithfulness to God and the strength he gave her that allowed us to be reunited. I would say 99.9 % of the marriages in our situation would end in divorce.<P>It fun to look at her prayer journal during the affair and see how God was working. For example she asked God to heal my hurt. On the same day I bought a book and read it in one night (not something I ever do). As I read it the author revealed a lot about my marriage and a lot about why I was where I was at. As I look back now it was a miracle. She prayed, I found a book and read it. That book basically explained why I wanted to leave her so badly. It formed the basis for me to see how our relationship could improve and how I really contributed to the downfall of our marriage.<P>So my prayer to everyone here isn’t that you get back in your marriage and fix it – it’s that you seek and follow God’s will for your life and your marriage. Ultimately God loves us far more that our spouses or parents or anyone ever could. He can and will bless us with happiness and supply you with enough strength that you can do whatever his will is. Romans 6 summarize our plot and the cross our hope.<BR>

Willy, I appreciate your message in that as a wife praying for a husband, I sometimes lose faith. I was just thinking about it (was it worth the wait) and got on to the board and read your message, now if that isn't God giving me a quick response... I don't know what is. My h claims to have lost his love for me and it hurts to hear but now I know I can get it back and in the meantime I will continue my relationship with God. I have more of a peace now that I've been involved with the MB Forum and appreciate you AND EVERYONE ELSE that posts here. Grace and Peace to you all, LAURIE <P>PS What was the book you read?

Willy, thanks for coming back and telling us more. I think it really encourages the women here. What was that book you read? It sounded interesting.<P>Thanks, prayers for you and your wife in your continued restoration process.

Willly, thanks so much for sharing more. It is such an encouragement to me. <P>I am where you were one year ago. I, too, would say that I stayed with my family/husband first and foremost because I know following God's will is the only way - and that nothing good can come apart from His will. I feel it is the only way. Did you ever struggle with feeling resigned? Maybe it it Satan's way to discourage us. I do see glimpses of something good in my marriage and what it can become - something it has never been before. God is good - better than I deserve.<P>I have seen where some spouses don't appreciate that their WS came back at first because it was the right thing to do (and not because of love). But I think it is a starting place - with the hope of something wonderful that God can resurrect. It is a step of faith and a choice for God. That is the beginning. And like you say, God does love us (each) more than we can ever imagine and wants the best for each of us. That is why we can trust Him, even when we can't see far ahead.<P>Please share anything else you might feel led to. Your post has been a beacon to me today. I am also curious about the book you read. Thanks again, for opening up your life once more in this area to be a help to others. Bless you this day, Willy!

siftedlikewheat,<P>Your name is funny because my brother told me the same thing as I was going through my marital difficulties - that his prayer was I would be restored. God blesses me each day I get to spend with my family and thank you for your prayers.<P>The book I read was called Overcomming Hurts and Anger by Dwight L Carlson. I read it at the point where I told the OW I wanted to try to work things out with my wife, but everyone of my feelings wanted me to get the divorce and marry the OW. I decided that rather than go with my wife or the OW on vacation I’d go visit some relatives and spend time by myself and then meet up with the OW later in the week (sounds logical).<P>The book helped me learn three things. First, that I had been doing the wrong thing because I would hold in my hurt and anger with my wife rather than communicate it. I did this subconsciously because I wanted to have a happy home and not one where a lot of fighting took place. Second, that I really wasn’t giving my wife a chance to change or do anything about my anger and frustration because I wasn’t communicating it to her. The last thing was that if you hold your anger and hurt in long enough, only God knows what’s going to happen but often times people lose touch with all of their relationships. The book helped me understand why I didn’t feel like I loved my wife.<P>Once knew I could love my wife again I just needed to know how to work and that. I prayed and God brought me to this Web site.<P>For those of you on the other side, my wife read Experiencing God Day by Day the devotional and Journal and Love Life by Ed Wheat.<P>Books are just books however, ultimately is was only God’s Grace and OUR willingness to submit to him that brought us back together. I did go to see the OW after I spent a few days by myself. I prayed for most of the eleven hours I drove there that Gods will would be done I knew I did NOT have the strength to do anything by myself. After I arrived we talked for an hour and went to sleep. I woke up early the next morning and God had given me the strength I needed, I kissed her good bye and explained I couldn’t do it anymore that I need to be somewhere else.<BR>

Willy,<P>I can identify with so many of your words. I definitely can say also it has been God's grace that has given me the strength to stay and work on my marriage. Plus my own deep down knowing that anything apart from God's will just couldn't work out. I see people making a different choice every day and I wonder how they do it and can live with it. The only way I can understand it is to realize I am accountable to the conscience God has given me and I should't be looking around me to see what others have chosen. I have to follow what I know God is calling me to do. It is a decision of the will (and of the heart in following God). <P>I can really see how the two aspects go together - my desire to obey, God's strength to do it. He does supply what we need, although I often feel I don't deserve it.<P>I was wondering if you had much discouragement, especially in the beginning. Even though a decision is made to follow God's will, it can still be a rough road. In my own case there are a lot of issues to work through which contributed to the marriage deteriorating to this point. Hope is in a promise that is yet unfulfilled. It is in believing God will bring good things out of our obedience. But it doesn't happen right away. How were the first months for you? Often I wish the time could fast forward one year ahead. Even when we are obedient there are consequences to our sin - images in the mind, memories, interfering thoughts, feelings of loss, knowledge of hurting others...<P>I know the changes my H. and I are experiencing would bring me much more hope and joy if I wasn't dealing with some of those consequences. They will fade, I know, but it takes time.<P>Do you care to share anymore of your experience of rebuilding with your wife? I would be interested...

qu78,<P>If you are still reading this, I'm wondering how you are doing. How are you? I do care.

siftedlikewheat<P>The fist months were extremely hard on me, certainly the first four were the hardest. I longed to have the friendship and relationship with my W that I had with the OW.<P>I missed the OW and had a good five-month period of heavy withdrawal. I cried and prayed out a lot in anger about my situation that I still felt like crap even though I did the right thing. The pain didn’t go away but God certainly did comfort me. Still working with the OW has added to my pain. I don’t know of an amount of money, that if I had it, I wouldn’t pay to get ride of the memories of the OW. Most are painful, some pleasant but for me I always wished I could’ve talked to God as ask him what good came out if it. Now I can see that it was so both my W and I could become closer to God. <P>My W and I spent a lot of time together the first few months filling out and talking about policy of joint agreement policy, emotional needs, lover busters, etc. The material was good and it gave us a common ground to start talking again. We spent as much time together as we could, we talked and talked and talked. I rededicated my life to God and started praying and reading daily instead of when I felt like it. She was already doing that. We went away on a five day vacation w/o children.<P>Time does heal all wounds I guess. For me there wasn’t so much a science as much as a commitment to stick to it. My pastor once told me to stick it out a year and if I still had no feelings for my W then to get a divorce. If I followed that advice probably would’ve had a divorce by now. Most days I feel nothing but thankful for the blessing my W is to me. There are a few days however when I don’t know why I got back with her. Our minds, feelings and world can really deceive us if we let them. God bless you – you and your H are in my prayers.<BR>