Hello everyone, still just listening. Still hurting, still a little lost. Thank those of you who thought enough of me to at least ask how I was doing.<P>Willy, your posts are helping me to see the OM, we are both married. <P>We are both familiar with God's love, and grace and mercy. He states that he does not want God to fix his marriage. He only wants to remarry me.<P>I am curious as to what happened with the OW, because I am an OW, could you come to my level and help me?

Qu78,<P>I’m not sure I follow your question in terms of coming to your level? As I mentioned I still work with the OW, she is divorced (was at the time we were together to) but sits in the office next to me. I’d be happy to answer any question you may have. It took her awhile but she eventually did hook up with another person and that’s all I really know. I cannot talk to her about personal things any longer, it brings up to many bad memories and it’s to easy to bring our past relationship into the discussion. I’ve let her know why I had to end it specifically (my faith in God) and that I have no plans of ever pursuing anything with her.<BR>

Hi Willy,<P>I have no questions but thank you for replying. I am convinced that no one understands how I feel, therefore I will remain to myself. And just listen to all of the posts. It does help a little. When I stated "come to my level" I meant by tring to help me to understand the OM in my life. Does he really mean it when he says he loves me and wants to marry me?<P>I care very deeply for this person. But maybe I am in too deep and can not find my way out. He states he is making provisions to marry me. <P>Please do not bash me. I am too alone and too weak to handle that on today. Yes this is a place that I visit almost everyday. Sometimes I just read the posts. I cant seem to get from the place that I am to the place that all of you on here seem to be.<P>How can I let someone go that has put everything in my life that I ever asked for?<P>This is a scary time for me. If I could only find my old self again. If I could only find God....maybe one day I will be where you are.<p>[This message has been edited by qu78 (edited October 10, 2000).]

The blessing comes AFTER the trial of your faith. Obedience for the sake of being Obedient to the Lord brings the blessings of heaven. I prayed to exhaustion to be relieved of the desires for the OM. <P>"Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil."<P>"Not my will but thine be done."<P>"Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven."<P>And remember, sometimes, "this kind" goes not out except by fasting as well as prayer.<P>Keep the faith qu! You will be blessed abundantly for the efforts you make to be obedient. Don't expect the blessings if you are not willing to put forth an offering to the Lord of a humble and contrite heart.<P>You cannot see the glories the Lord has in store for them that love him. This may just be your darkest hour and you need to take the leap of faith, those steps into the dark. When walking on faith like He requires, you can be assured that there will either be a stable footpath, or you will be taught how to fly!<P>I have had to do this a number of times. The absolute shock to me<P><BR>was in being taught how to fly.<P>Praying for you still!<P>Love,<P>Karenna

I agree with Karenna big time. Unfortunately for me my trial isn’t over yet (14 months). I’ll define my trial as over when I can honestly pray to God about the OW and feel the same way I think – that it’s over. There is a part of me that wants to still be with her. <P>It is so hard to see past today’s pain for tomorrows blessing. As I look back though I can see God in every part of our reconciliation. From how I was able to turn away from the OW, to how for probably the first four months I had to pray repeatedly asking God to let his will be done and to give me the strength to deal with the pain, sadness, and almost agony that I felt over the lose of the OW. I prayed and asked God for specific things to happen just to show me he still wanted me to be with my wife and go figure they did happen. I also have a friend who isn’t prone to gossip that I could talk to which made it easier for me to discuss various OW issues, after awhile I didn’t want to burden my W with the pain I still had. I truly believe that God provides me with exactly what I need. When I felt he didn’t I called him on it in prayer and ask him to give me the strength I needed. He did and I did become way more dependent on our Lord than I ever was before, for the first time I had a relationship with God.<P>I’m am still tempted by the OW. Things aren’t always rosy with me and my W - we still have problems. Also I still do (although very infrequently when compared to right after the affair ended) wonder the same things qu78 does, especially after I fight or disagree with my W. Did I through away my sole mate? <P>The OW also gave me everything I thought I wanted from a relationship but I knew it was wrong even if I could justify biblical divorce. Qu78 I think I see how we are in the same place, we both feel like we are doing God’s will in trying to fix up our marriages, but want to feel the same way were acting, like we’re in Love with our spouses and the OP are a thing of the past. I can tell you every day, week and month will make a difference. If you still communicate with the OM on a personal level I would stop because it will only make your pain worse. Once you’re able gather all of the good marriage reconciliation and relationship building material you can and go though it with your H. If you can’t find God go to a quite place and pray for his will to be done in your life, not your own. God will show up, he cares for you more than anyone else ever could. If you don’t have a daily prayer and reading time start one, it will feed your soul. I had to rely on God each day and pray he would give me the strength to work through the pain, he will give you the same strength.<P>When I talk to my friend and am struggling with OW issues, he always reminds me about 40 years in a desert. It may seem like a longtime but it was worth the wait. I know you’ll eventually see the same thing as your marriage is restored.<P>God Bless<P>

Dear willy and qu,<P>Please do not procrastinate the day of your repentance. I did. The Lord grabbed me and gave me a "blessing" that is changing our lives forever. Just don't know how. I case you don't know my story, here is the status:<P>How about pregnancy as inoculation against adultery? We (my H and I) had a catastrophic birth control failure in March while I was still passionately inflamed with desire for an OM. I got pregnant. I am 43, four children 24 to 18 from first marriage and a six year old with my H. But I had thought to be done with all this.<P>Now the tragedy is that not only do I get a late in life pregnancy, but there is no fun little kid to raise to be a playmate for my daughter and grandchildren. My son, if he is born alive, will have severe birth defects and will never learn to walk or talk or even to feed himself. His life expectancy is very short, but some born with this syndrome live many years requiring total full time care.<P>Result? The OM is no longer an issue. My H is affectionate now for the first time since we were married. He was affectionate while dating but thought it unneccesary to work so hard once I had said vows. He has even stopped all verbal abuse. He is trying to be a good father and husband. He is no longer trying to prove to himself that I won't leave him no matter what he does.<P>Sometimes God likes dramatic gestures. A poster on another forum wrote of his wife coming right out of withdrawal the day she saved his life. He had passed out from choking in the night while she slept. Miraculously she woke up. She called 911 and resuscitated him herself. Now they seem to have a marriage!<P>What will God have to do to you to get your attention once and for all? Do you really want to find out?

Karenna,<P>Thank you so much for sharing your story, I was unaware of the power of your testimony. I am so thankful that God intervened in your situation, and He WILL give you all you need to overcome any obstacles. Your obedience is all He asks for and you have done just that.<P>I also hope willy and qu realize before it is too late what true obedience is. We never know when the Lord will allow the heat to be really turned up. <P>He has been called the "Hound of Heaven" and that is so true. He is a jealous God and does not want his children living in disobedience.<P>Please, consider Karenna's words!

Thank you Taj, Willy and Karenna for your encouraging words. <P>I do not see the way but I know change is coming. <P>It needs to start with me. I am fighting for----- me. <P>Please keep me in your prayers.

Willy,<P>Your posts are so helpful to me. I don't always have much time to reply, but I am reading all of them. <P>My situation is much like yours in that I have returned to my marriage first and foremost because of obedience to God. That was the first thing I had to get right again. It would be nice if God would "bless" that obedience right away and give feelings to go along with the actions. But, faith is not by sight (feelings) and I know God wants me to trust Him and His word. It goes in direct opposition to the world, which might look at a situation and make a "rational" decision to end a marriage because of "unfulfillment". (By the way, I don't believe in staying in abusive relationships. That is not my situation.) <P>Thank you for your honesty in sharing your struggles, current and past. I, too, have experienced God providing what I need all along the way, including a trusted friend I can confide in. She has gone through this also and has a strong faith, so she understands and can encourage me along the way, as well as understand ALL my feelings. I, too, don't want to burden my husband too much or increase his hurt even more. I am honest in letting him know in a general way when I am struggling, but I can't burden him more than that. <P>I am glad to hear your relationship with God has become so real. Isn't that what He wants most of all for us? Having an eternal perspective helps me also. <P>Thanks for the time you've taken to share. It is another "help" along the way - provided by God. I see that He really does not want us to fail or get lost. He provides everything we need to live a life for Him. God is for us!

Willy,<P>I was just wondering why you say looking back the memories are too painful. Is it because of the loss, the hurt, the mess that was created by it all? <P>Again, I admire you for the choice you made. I know how hard it is. God will honor and bless you.<P>Also, why do you thank God every day for the blessing of your wife? Is it because feelings of love have been resurrected for her? Is it because you realize you almost stepped over to something so destructive?<P>Just wondering some of these things, if you care to answer. I know they are kind of personal, so I understand if you choose not to.

Siftedlikewheat,<P>It’s painful because I see I unnecessarily created hurt in the OW life, my W life and our children’s life. I really care deeply for all of them and can’t believe what I almost did. As it sits I put a lot of hurt in everyone’s life that I cared about. It also scares me because I see how easy it was for me to subconsciously step over the edge of the marriage and into destroying it. If I did it once, it would be so easy for me to do it again – which reminds me of how important it is keep up good communication with my W and keep God in the center of our marriage.<P>I really am thankful that I can still be with my wife and children. God didn’t have to restore our marriage and my wife didn’t have to take me back. I guess I feel like I was sentenced to death for my actions but my wife and God pardoned me and I get the blessings of being with my wife and children the rest of my life. Yes my love for her has been restored, much slower than I’d like but it is coming back.<P>In that regard, is where a lot of my pain comes from. I still have love in my heart for the OW, but don’t want to and that love at times (maybe 20%) is stronger than the love I have for my W. The percent has continued to go down and I can’t wait until it gets to 0%.<P>Hope it helps clarify you questions.<BR>

Dear qu78, I have read all the posts, in response to your dilemma, and am extremely proud to have the privelege to post here.<BR>Listen intently to everyone here. I promise you one thing, God loves you unconditionally and will never give up on you. When life throws you a curve, duck and move on. Fight for the restoration of your marriage and family. Don't cheat your children out of having the two people who God chose to bring them into this world and raise them up the way they should go. And likewise, don't cheat yourself or your husband. Sometimes, love is a decision...decide right now to put aside your carnal needs and allow God to speak to your heart regarding your marriage.<BR>Keep us updated.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love & thoughts,<BR>Lynn

Thanks for the response, Pyschlynn. I appreciate all the posts here that keep encouraging and reminding us to remain steadfast in what we know is true, right and good. <P>I am thankful to you, too, Willy. I just haven't had much time to reply, often I am pondering and thinking things through in my mind. Too often I am discouraged - focusing on the wrong things, rather than dwelling on what is lovely, praiseworthy, good and true. Like you, I wish too I could erase the memories. I wonder sometimes how much those memories distort and influence how I look at my marriage now. It is best to just stay close to the truth, God's word, as our plumb line and not lean in any way on our own understanding.<P>A realization I've had lately that has helped me is this: no matter whether you feel you may not have chosen your spouse wisely (and for the wrong reasons), God did not intervene, though He could have. Even after marriage He could have brought a change if it wasn't His will. Thus, the current situation (the marriage you are in) IS God's will and can be used for your good and His glory - otherwise He would have prevented it or intervened! That helps me to see my situation in a very different way. God does know what He is doing and He is in control.