Wendesday was one of those days <BR>I promised I would tell my wife about it but I wanted to wait another day because I didn't want to bring it up while I was in such a foul mood.<P>Well, Wendesday night I talked to our counselor on the phone from the bedroom while W was in the den on her computer. After expunging myself to C, she calmed me down and said she was talking to W on ICQ and a lot of what we were both saying was similar. We were both so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing that we let it get in the way of telling each other what we wanted. <P>*sigh*<P>Well, I guess that's what counselors (and friends) are for. Anyway, after a little intervention I talked with my wife about all the things we were feeling. I finally convenced her that she could tell me she missed the late-night phone calls with OM, or the any of the many things that was part of their friendship. None of this will ever be the same. <P>I have claimed success in that W and I are committed to our marriage, likewise with OM and his W, and through all of this the 4 of us have remained friends. But that's not quite right. The friendship is dieing. We are all going through the motions as we let the relationship slowly fade away till we drift apart as friends sometimes do. I know this, W knows this OM knows this; I'm not sure if OM's W knows this or not. It's really pretty sad because we do love each other, but we can never be truely comfortable around each other again.<P>Anyway, we talked for several hours and although not always plesant, it ws very constructive.<P>Thursday we both woke up puking our toenails up. I don't remember ever being that sick or feeling that bad before, all my joints ached and my head throbed constantly. W was in just as bad of shape as I was. We spent the day either in bed or in the bathroom, fetching a cold wash rag for each other, and wondering if we were going to die. (is it possible to throw up a major organ?) When my son came home from school (he's 15; also this was the last day of school) I gave him my car keys and told him he was the designated adult, "feed your sister, take care of the kitchen and sorry I have to lay this on you but today I'm worthless." My son is a good man, he did a wonderful job taking care of his sister (7yo) and even though he had been invited to a swiming party form 7 - 10:30, he didn't leave till almost 9:00 because he wanted to make sure she had her bath and was tucked in for the night.<P>Today I'm back at work and besides have a big drop in energy and very sore ribs, I'm doing fine. Yesterday was physically the most miserable day I think I have ever had. But, God help me, is was emotionally wonderful.

Joe in Tx,<P>I am glad to here that the outcome of all of your concerns was a good airing out between you and W. Did you explain to her, about sometimes thinking of revenge and such? How did she respond?<P>I'm curious only because I suspect that she understood where you were coming from. <P>In any event, congratulations on getting through, the flu???, and this very heavy conversation.<P>It is a shame about the friends, but unfortunately the price of infidelity can be very high.<P>Take care,<P>JL

Revenge. She told me she felt like she deserved anything I would do to punish her including leaving, taking the children and finding another woman to love. She also lives in constant fear that this is what I will do. If I'm a few minutes late coming home from work she almost goes into a panic because she thinks I won't be coming home at all. In fact she did start to hyperventalate and developed a rash on her chest as she told me the times she got home and my car was not there. That'll make you feel lower than dirt, here I was thinking of causing her pain when she was already going through an incredible amount of suffering.<P>Now here's the kicker: we both have this nagging urge to know where the other person is at all times ... and we are both starting to feel smothered. We need some time to ourselves for our sanity but when we are apart it drives us crazy. Silly, huh?<P>All in all this seems so petty of me. W and I know what we want and we want each other, so why do we always make this harder than it has to be? I know there are several men here that would kill to be in my place. So why do I keep wallowing in self-pity?

Joe in TX,<P>The short answer to your last question is because you are still hurt and healing from the affair. It will gradually go away as the two of you heal.<P>As for her fears, you see you did need to talk with her about your feelings. You two are just two sides of the same coin and joined in the middle. <P>It seems that she does love you and is in great pain and guilt about what she has done. You are in love with her and still in pain about the affair. Two hurt people that need each other.<P>You know this, it is just hard to get around things on a day to day bases. Have you considered making her a promise that if you ever decide to leave her, you will tell her before you do, so that she does not panic. I know having her panic feels kinda good doesn't it? It means she cares, which is a very good thing isn't it? But you don't want her getting paranoid.<P>If you can help her, maybe she won't feel so smothered. Maybe there is something she can promise you that will cause your anxiety to be reduced? Talk about it.<P>I know you know all of this already, but hang in their. It seems that the two of you are doing great and will do even better in the future.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Joe, <P>I'm really glad you were able to talk with your wife. It feels so good to get things out int the open, doesn't it?<P>I agree with JL. Brainstorm with your wife about what you both can do to relieve each other's anxiety. It sounds like you're off to a good start even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

When I was 19, I had this Triumph I used to ride. On day I was out on the highway, leaned back on the sissybar, I had the throtle locked and one hand resting on the handle bar. Easyrider. Then I hit a pothole. While sliding along the road at 60 mph I decided that no matter how hot it was, I would always wear my leather jacket and helment from then on. But the real pain came about an hour later when I was at my girlfriend's house and she and her mother used peroxide and a brush to wash all the dirt and gravel out of my roadrash. The burns were on the underside of my left arm from wrist to shoulder, and on my left side and back covering my lats down to the lower ribs. I had also broke my little finger and sprained my wrist of the right hand. I guess they did a good job patching me up because the only scar I got from it is a small patch on the inside of my left bicep that looks like a burn scar. It's the only place that itched so bad I couldn't keep from scratching it while the scabs healed over.<P>Anyway, I can look back on that and make jokes, laugh and remember that it was very painful and it took some time before I could even dress myself afterwards. But if I think real hard and try to visualize how I laid on the couch while they scrubbed at the peeled away skin, I still can not bring up any of the pain from that time. I only remember that it was painful.<P>Maybe I'm just too impatient, but I want this to be over with and nothing more than a memory. Can my emotional pain ever be like that old physical pain?<P>I sure hope so.

Yes, I think it can. And just like the peroxide used to wash away the dirt was more painful than the actual accident (but necessary to avoid infection), the road to recovery will have moments that are more painful than the actual betrayal. But those moments will be necessary for the healing process.<P>Perhaps remembering that will help keep things in perspective during those painful times.<P>You WILL get past them, just as you got past the physical injuries, as long as you deal with them and don't bury them. It sounds like you're dealing with them. You'll be just fine.<BR>