It has been a long time since I have been here. I thought some people would appreciate knowing what to expect one year after D-Day.<P>I am one of the "lucky" ones I guess. My H realized what a huge mistake he made when he chose to have an affair and has not yet stopped trying to repair the damage he created. Not being able to visualize a worse pain I do NOT for the life of me know how many of you hang on when your WS can't decide what he/she wants.<P>I was numb for 10 weeks after discovery. I did not realize how numb I was until I woke up one day and found that feeling replaced with a fierce anger. The angry mode lasted a long time too. I am not sure I am totally over being angry. It has diminished somewhat but most often I am not so sure it will ever leave.<P>My H had an affair with someone that I believed was my "best" friend. I still do not know what ever possessed either of them to destruct a friendship and cause such pain to so many.<P>I have learned that details do not matter. In fact, if anyone ever gets full details on an affair I would be most surprised. It takes two to tangle-and while we all would like to think the OP was to blame it is always both of them.<P>I do not spend my days worrying where H is or who he is with. That would be a total waste of my time and I haven't got any desire to cause myself any more stress. <P>I have become very jealous and bitter now towards other women though. I do not like any female having contact with H.<P>I have been to three therapists. The first one helped a lot but I wsn't ready for so much of it. The second one lasted for one visit. The last one helped up to a point and then made a comment that irritated me and I did not go back. The bottom line I got from each and every one of them was that if I wanted to heal I had to put it all behind me and look inside myself for happiness. I am still looking.<P>I am on medication for both anxiety and for depression. The paxil has helped me so much. I am also on Provera to balance my hormones and while that hasn't been too long it seems to help a bit.<P>I had all the tests for STD's and everything came back negative (Thank You God).<P>I love my H. But so far I haven't been able to forgive him. I sincerely doubt that I will ever forget the affair.<P>I also miss the person that I considered a good friend. I don't expect to ever understand or forgive what she did to me. She is the person I would have run to for support through all this. I have told many people why I am not the same person I once was but not one of them has filled that "spot" that a good friend knows how to reach. <P>I have bad dreams. Dreams where I ask the OW how she was able to tear my world apart. I dream she laughs in my face.<P>While I am not suicidal and doubt I ever will be I have made a pact with God-when he needs me I am ready. The pain here on earth is more than I really want to deal with.<P>H thinks I need to move forward as do many others. They don't understand that because I am who I am I can't just drop it and forget. I thought I had a wonderful marriage. I always knew I could get through anything as long as I had my H with me. What I discovered is that I should really only rely on myself to get through life.<P>I probably ought to close this as it is getting long.<P>One thing I want to do is thank each and every one of you who are here at MB helping each other. I would never have made it past day one if I didn't find MB and see that I am not alone. It is true that misery loves company-all of you are a god send.<P>I pray for happiness for all of you. I ask you to look deep inside yourself for those difficult answers to your struggles. It is true-the happiness starts on the inside.<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR><p>[This message has been edited by heartache (edited May 31, 2000).]

Hi Heartache,<P> It's been 11/2yr. since DDay and one yr. since my H came back but I have many feelings that you do BUT....you have had to deal with 2 betrayals....I can understand how your feelings about the world have changed.Has your "friend" ever apologized? I think that only "time"(ugh, that word) and the continued remorse from your H will help (eventually) but in my opinion one year is not that long to "be over" the amt. of betrayal you've had to deal with.....LU

Hey Heartache!<P>Just popping in to say "HI!" <P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi

I am going thru the samething but handling it on my own no meds. I can actually last year was the worst year of my life. And this month is the month he ended the affair. I just can't get past it and I want to so bad. Just try not to think about it. It is very hard I see the OW in her car alot she only lives a block away. That makes it even harder. Well hopefully this agony won't last much longer, But I have a feeling it will last for eternity. Best of luck I know what you are going thru

Heartache,<BR>You were one of the first contacts I had on MB and we had very similar situations. My D-Day is June 4 and my wedding anniversary is today. My H also had 4 month PA with my "friend". OW's H called me with evidence only four days after our anniversary last year. Oddly enough, we were with my "friend" on our anniversary last year.<P>Anyway, I am having a terrible time with this week of anniversary dates. I have had no contact with OW since D-day nor has my H. I have not forgiven H or OW though I still love my H very much. The past few months have passed without any discussion of the affair and I really didn't obsess anymore about their relationship.<P>But then....about a week ago as I realized all these dates were approaching, I really bummed out. I have much anger and pain. I awoke this morning at 5am to have my H hug me and say "Happy Anniversary". I immediately burst into tears and said, "Please don't talk to me about anniversaries". I don't want to acknowledge the date we said our vows because they no longer mean what they used to.<P>His only explanation to this day is that he was stupid and he thought I would never find out. Oh, that makes me feel better!<P>I really feel like I'm still in a daze some times. Everything feels different. I don't feel safe, I don't feel special, I basically don't feel much anymore. H is still trying to be considerate, but he was always a controller and that is coming back out more and more as time passes. I do stand up for myself more than I used to though.<P>You know, we got the double whammy with our spouse and friend being the reason for our pain and it is very hard to get past that. I never went to counseling (H refused to go) and I never took any meds. Maybe I should reconsider.<P>I just wanted you to know that I appreciated you being here this past year and seeing that we were going through the same emotions at about the same timeframe. It's weird, huh?<P>I wish you luck and happiness in the future.<BR>Zombie

WOW-look at this thread ;-) I didn't think a soul would remember me let alone take time to post. I am pleased I was so wrong!<P>Zombie-I am sorry to say I don't remember you. I don't think I remember much from a year ago. But as I read your reply to me I got goosebumps and then the tears. I noticed as I re-read all I originally posted that I left out so much that I had wanted to say.<P>We do have a lot in common. I also have a problem with a special day-but it happens to be my birthday. The OW spent my 40th birthday with me-for a short time-and after she left she saw my H and that was the beginning of the end. My birthday is coming up-16th of June-and I have already asked H not to do a thing. Of course he said he is going to do what would be normal. I will have a much harder time faking happiness for his sake than I will in forgetting I am growing another year older :-( I also do not care much for any holidays now as the OW birthday is the same as my youngest and she was with my H when he was supposed to be Christmas shopping in 97. So I can totally relate to what you are saying.<P>I found myself in depression last week and I am sure it was because of the upcoming D-Day and birthday and all. <P>The saddest part is I truly liked my friend. I still miss her. But I am not willing to ever form a relationship with another female and risk this pain. Not ever again for me.<P>Jam, I am glad you are working on things. I can relate. YES, the OW did apologize to me on the phone when I was talking to her H. But I feel the same now as I did then. She won't ever be as sorry as I am. I am sorry to say it just doesn't matter to me how sorry she is. I tried so hard about 4 months ago to get Gods help in allowing me to be rid of the pain, to accept her apology and to forgive. It didn't happen. I guess I am not ready. I also see the OW as we live in a rather small town. But-I did nothing and I try my damndest to act as normal as possible. I still get the shakes and sick feeling when I see her. I don't know why.<P>Woops-part of that was for LU too ;-)<P>LU-thanks for tkaing time to jot a reply. I wish you the best too-and I know you will make it. As they all say T-I-M-E is what it takes.<P>Mitzi-You know how I feel. Thanks for being who you are. I hope you will continue on your path to happiness!!<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

Heartache:<P>Thanks so much for posting this here.<P>My situation is somewhat similar to yours (only my H was dumb enough to add a few internet and phone affairs he didn't think "counted") and I have been wondering what might happen in a year (PA D-Day was 9 January 2000).<P>Thanks for your post. It gives me hope when I needed it! --HBC

HBC-<P>You are most welcome. You and many others are the reason I did post this here. I can remember when I wondered how long my pain would last, how I would ever forget, how I would ever forgive.<P>The initial sadness has basically left me. I have come to terms - even though I didn't want to - that all the wishing inb the world won't make this situation any different. It happened. I hate knowing it but I have accepted it.<P>I usually do not have a day go by that I don't have some sort of thoughts and/or dreams about something related to the affair my H had.<P>H and I are doing very well. We do love each other. And thankfully he has put up with all my questions and comments for the last year. Many of them have not been nice at all but things I felt I wanted to say.<P>I still feel that if I forgive him or her that I am saying it was OK-and it wasn't ok so I don't know when I will reach that level.<P>I have learned some valuable lessons from this. Men do not usually complain about what "really" bothers them. They instead seek out something to make them not think about the actual problem. The same is true with many women although I think they do try to talk somewhat. Unfortunately men don't always listen either. The good thing is-men are mostly alike. They don't do it to be ignorant. It is their mechanism that causes them to be who and what they are. I have seen many a man here at MB learn from their mistakes and change for the better. We don't have to give up complete hope <P>I love my H very much. I didn't stop. I remember worrying about wether or not I would ever get those "tingles" again when being intimate with H. I didn't need to worry :0 It happened!<P>If I can help you any more please say so. It makes me feel worthwhile to be of help to someone.<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

I just wanted to let you all know that so far today I haven't lost it I am staying focused and keeping myself real busy and I am living thru this 1st anniversary of D-Day.<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

think of it as the anniversary of the day you discovered you had a marriage that you wanted to save....<P>the day you decided to be a stronger person...<P>the day you began to make positive change...<P>the day that liberated you from ignorance..and innocence...<P>the day that made you grow...<P>you have been through a year of healing, processing, loving, laughing, worry, crying, m & m-ing....LOL....those green ones!!<P><BR>you can't heal overnight...but you CAN heal...<P>I applaud you, your H and your marriage...<P>remember going from numb to anger....well, when you are ready, you will go from anger....to something else...you have to go through it all..the entire process for this to heal..<P>details don't matter.........LOL......<P>that's right, details don't matter..what happened, happened, we can't change that...we have to look forward.....it took me so long to 'get' that....i am one of the ones that wanted details at first...I thought I needed to know it all....Deut has memory gaps.....of course...so, full details will never be known to me...they can't be..I wasn't there....and I have to look forward...<P>forgiveness is something that you will do for YOU when YOU are ready to...<P>I'm with you on the not forgetting.....I don't ever want to forget...I want to learn from this and never have it happen again...I want to remind myself that it took 2 of us to get the marriage where it was...and I don't ever want to be there again...<P>you have been through a crisis...that takes alot out of you...mentally, physically, spiritually....<P>you have spent the past year focussed on the marriage....<P>spend a good part of the next one devoted to you....look forward...what do you see....what do you want your marriage to be...have you planted a garden?...do you want a garden??..what things does heartache want to see happen this next year of her soul-growth...<P>(((((((((((((((((HEARTACHE))))))))))))))))<P><BR>happy new you day...<P><BR>Dylan<BR><P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

Oh My Gawd DYLAN-<P>I have so missed you and your thoughts and healthy outlook in my life. If you only knew how many times you are thought of. If you only knew the emotions that you created inside me when I read your reply to my post. You my friend brought tears to my eyes.<P>I thank you for all you said. As always you are right. And mostly all I neeed is to hear those things once in awhile to get back on track.<P>We are happy! I have a rather large empty spot deep inside that I know will not be filled for a long time to come. But overall H and I are doing so well. We always had a good marriage but we now "talk" and "listen" to each other.<P>We have spent a great deal of time trying to catch Oprah so we can hear what Dr. Phile has to say. I like that man. He lays it on the line but his advice is always incredibly good!<P>How is your life Dylan? Do you ever plan on writing to me again? LOL Give Duet a hug from me and ask him to give you one from me. I miss both of you so so much.<P>May God be with you!<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

Heartache:<P>How are you doing today? I've been thinking of you. I hope your H is understanding of your stress.<P>Thank you for your reply to my post. I am so glad to hear that you and your H are doing so well. Did he start to read the MB info and go to counseling as well, or did he just kind of "wing it"?<P>My H and I are starting to do better at addressing the actual problems we each have in our relationship instead of letting them slide into...bad things. I have asked him to read MB and other information on the subject and he has done some reading. I can tell he is trying to address things more than he has. I think there is hope! <P>I understand what you are saying about forgiveness. I am hoping one day to be able to say that I forgive my H, but I am not there. I think it will take much longer to forgive OW, especially in light of the fact that she treats me like the bad guy. For now I will be satisfied when I can honestly say that I don't hate her. Unfortunately, now I do. I have never hated anyone before and I find it to be a most uncomfortable feeling.<P>I am glad to know that I am not alone in thinking of the affair in some way every day, though I hope for you that those feelings stop soon.<P>Thank you for your answers. All the best to you on this tough day. --HBC

HBC,<P>You don't have to thank me for answering you I enjoy being able to share our pain and hopefully help each other in the process.<P>My H has not read any of the MB stuff. I have told him in a way what it is about but in all truth I only practice it in a round about way myself. It is hard to explain but H and I always had what we thought was a fantastic relationship. The thing that happened was that we were both so busy working and saving for our home that we forgot to spend any quality time together. That led to loneliness and you know where that led But as for fighting or having diferent views on life we just don't have a problem there.<P>H did go to some counseling too but the one I went to the longest I went to alone. That was my choice. I was obsessing over how the affair happened and why the affair happened and how I would ever forget and how I could ever feel happy again...................... I jsut felt I neeeded some real help. When she told me I seemed to be "in a stuck mode" I said duh-that's why I am here. I never went back. I knew I was stuck-I told her that every time I went in. I can't believe I paid her for that "help". LOL<P>I do not hate the OW. I think I am feeling nothing towards her at this time although I have many moments where I read something and it makes me want to share it with her. <P>You are always welcome to chat with me and if you need to contact me let me know and I will find a way to get my e-mail address to you.<P>Thank YOU for replying and asking about me today. I am feeling real good <P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR><p>[This message has been edited by heartache (edited June 01, 2000).]

Zoombie ! My heavens I am glad to see you !<BR>Please, please email me, I stoped using my old email after I talked to you last. Check my sig, you'll see why I want to talk to you.<BR>dkohb@yahoo.com<P>Heartache,<P>It has been almost 2 years for me since discovery, and yes I am still angry sometimes. And there are very very few women I trust around my h. But we can't lock them up, and the anger hurts us more than them. <P>This is one of the worst pains I have ever felt and the fact that it wasn't the first time for me makes it worse. But we will recover in time with enough love and patience we will be ok, one day. <P>You can feel the anger, just don't let it eat you up, I did that for a long time. Now I understand that if I'm angry all the time I will only push him away again.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

Hello heartache,<BR>You sound like a new girl! Wheweeeeee.<BR>Triggers seem to increase at anniversary time. Try to stay focused. There were some very very good anniversaries before this incident and there will ba many more.<BR>((((hugs)))) cl

Bozos_Deb,<P>It is so good to hear from you! I was glad you shared your story with me too. It helps us all when we can "see our future feelings" somewhat.<P>I remember in the beginning I never ever thought I would stop crying. Well, I did. I get tears whenever I ask H a question. Like the other day I asked him if the OW ran me down to him. I immediately got teary but I don't feel like I am going to die any more.<P>I wish I could be here at MB more but last time I had to leave when the OC decided to start ragging on my posts. I want to keep a safe distance so that I don't have to repeat that episode <P>Take care of yourself!<P>Be Happy!!<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

WOW CL,<P>It has been awhile hasn't it? <P>Thank you so much for replying to my post. I will gladly take your observation of me sounding like a new woman as a compliment-LOL<P>I feel rather old. But I have come a long way since June 1, 1999. It has been a rough road but when I read so many other posts here I see that I am by far one of the more fortunate ones. I have not had to fight to get truth from my H, nor have I had to fight to hang on to him. He wants me <P>The down side about today is the fact that it also would have been my only brothers birthday had he not chosen to commit suicide because of some female (*&*%^&*. It saddens me that I have to remember two very emotional issues on the same date. BUt with God and H by my side I will make it! I know I will.<P>Write me any time CL-it was great seeing you here!!<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

Thanks, heartache.<P>I would like to talk to you sometime when you are able. You can reach me at hbc@tough.com.<P>Thanks! --HBC

I gotcha HBC, thanks-I don't care to post my e-mail address up heer for obvious reasons <P>Today was another good day! H took me to dinner and I had a couple of drinks. I couldn't be more mellow <P>You will hear from me real soon.<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>