Hey Allision...<P>So you are "writing the book" on plan A these days?? Your last post I read sounded very hopeful. I am happy for you. I personally am struggling right now. What was it that inspired you to take up this 'plan A' and make it work so far? In my case, being the betrayer, it would seem rather presumptious to suggest, imply, or even ask my wife to consider it! Yet...I can see where it could be very effective. <P>But let's be honest...I am the one who betryed my wife and my heart is so torn in wanting to heal my marriage....and wanting to be with my "OW-Friend". My wife is understandibly angry and hurt by me. No Duh! She is more than entitled to feel this way. But man...it makes it tough right now...I want to be there for her...'taking it on the chin' and all....but the temptation to 'run back' to the one place where I found comfort, acceptance, love and understanding...only become more appealing.<P> My wife is not interested in MB. After the first week of the disclosure here recently, she was in another 'mode' of desprately reaching out to me in fear. I was broken before her...wanting to reassure her that I was going nowhere. But now she is in the "lash-out' stage. How long does this go on? <P>I like the principal of the Plan A....but it sure would be presumtious as hell for me to expect her to implament it here at home. Man, what a place this is.<P>But I really did think your posts was great. Hope the ending is good for you both.

NoMas, sorry to jump in here, but I've been wondering how you are.<P>Are you Plan Aing your wife?<P>Or are you just hanging in? It sounds like you are "disappointed" in how she is responding to your betrayal of the marriage. Is that showing in your words and actions? Are you letting it creep in to your mind and let it weaken your resolve?<P>You know, maybe all of us here are as good at Plan A as we sound in our posts. I don't know this, but I would suspect Plan A is easier to "bear" when a WS is not living in the house. It may be harder to impliment because of opportunity, but you don't have to spout it 24/7.<P>NoMas, we all would like your wife to be in Plan A. We all would like your marriage to recover and thrive...so we are all on the side of your marriage, which certainly includes you. But I think there are probably few perfectly executed Plan A's that attempting a recovery while living together.<P>DON'T MISTAKE THIS FOR A SUGGESTION TO MOVE OUT!<P>Please, anybody that is/has Plan A'd reading this, let NoMas know if Plan A works as he is envisioning.<P>Meanwhile, NoMas, what you are doing from day to day to heal yourself, support your wife and recover your marriage?<P>

NoMas,<P>Give me your mailing address and I will mail her a copy of SAA! Not kidding!<P>Would be easier if <I>you</I> would just get her a copy. I think that would be the kindest thing to do--she must be going insane. Just finished suggesting this to another betrayer here. It's a book that kept me going thru all this pain. Never would have been capable of recovery with my H without it. You must have a copy. Why not leave around the house--bookmarks and all--for her to look at.<P>"My wife is not interested in MB." <P> What exposure has she had to SAA? <P> <P> <P><p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited August 03, 2000).]

Hey Leilana...<P>Been awhile. I actually read on some thread not long ago where you actually complimented me on something I wrote. :-) I thought about posting you a thank you then...just didn't get around to it....been kind of lethargic here lately. So how is the guy who gives you the massages doing? I've been kind of reading your post and following your story more...and have seen more of your 'human side'.... :-) It is one tough road sometimes, isn't it...for all of us here? Thanks for the offer on the book....My wife has not been in much of a reading mood lately. I've got that book, but I sincerely appreciate you reaching out to me with that offer. Thanks so much.<P>Faith...life has been difficult here lately. After my week away at the counesling retreat, I was home for an 'interesting' week here...productive in some ways...but had to leave again with two of my daughters for a family reunion. Wife could not go due to work conflict. Upon my return...there has been a change of mood here. Lots of anger seeping out...<P>I didn't realize that Plan A was intended for those where one spouse moved out...thanks for enlightening me on that. Makes sense now.<P>When my wife has her 'moments', I just stand and 'take it' knowing I desereve it. She seems to appreciate it...but it kills me inside. Part of the price I have to pay. <P>Just a day to day thing right now. We didn't end up in this mess overnight...and probably won't get out anytime soon either.<P>***sigh****

NoMas,<BR>I am not suggesting Plan A is for spouses who move out...it is for everyone.<P>I am just saying, it may be easier to do a perfect Plan A when you only see your WS on a limited basis.<P>A 24/7 Plan A would be tough. I am suggesting that you have a fantacy in your mind of how your wife should be responding to you. Even if she was in Plan A, it probably wouldn't be perfect.<P>Those of us who post here may share more of our successes than our lapses with Plan A.<P>My whole point is it is counter productive to wish your wife was Plan Aing you.<P>However, you didn't answer my question. Are you Plan Aing her.<P>Exactly what are you putting into the marriage? It may be beneficial for you to just "take" her anger. But only if you are in Plan A mode and see the bigger picture. If you are letting it weaken your resolve or justifying your thoughts of OW, then you are on the wrong path.<P>So other than just "taking" it. What are YOU putting into recovery? What are you putting into Plan Aing your wife? (I know that is not what Plan A is exactly designed for, but hey, it is a Plan to use when the other spouse is not being cooperative, so why not try it?)<P>What steps are you taking to heal yourself, support your wife and recover your marriage?

No, PLan A isn't intended for when one moves out...<P>Plan A is simply working on yourself...what you can do to eliminate LB's, improve your own marriage skills. Typically, Plan A refers to folks doing this while waiting for the WS to be able to come back to working on the marriage, but one can do Plan A behavior (and should) thruout the marriage.<P>NoMas, I think what you are saying is that it is tough to be hurting withdrawal-wise, and also bearing the brunt of your wife's anger? And that you really wish she could eliminate the anger and other LBs right now...<P>I sympathsize with your feelings. It would be great if she could do that, but as you yourself note, her anger is understandible.<P>My best suggestions are:<BR>1) get some support for yourself elsewhere...a counselor or close male friend.<P>2) let her know how sorry you are to be the cause of her pain, but also let her know you are hurting. see if there aren't times the two of you can just hold each other and provide comfort for each other.<P>Hang in there---<P>Kathi

Wow!! A post to me...I'm honored.<P>And also glad that I found it after you already got so many great replies.<P>I agree totally with FHL. It is easier with H not living here. This is also not a reccomendation that one of you leaves AT ALL. But with him gone, I am mentally prepared when I see him, and also get a chance to get myself physically prepared.<P>Also, NoMas, when my husband admitted his affair to me, I'd already been at MB for probably a month or so. I was beginning to understand the concepts early so Thank God, I guess in a way I was prepared...as prepared as anyone can be to hear that news.<P>You know, I don't think you and I are in that different places here. We are both playing the waiting game. Your patience has to be just as strong as someone in my position. We may be coming at this from two different places, but it takes TIME, CHANGE, NO EXPECTATIONS. My own goofy acronym for my behaviour around my husband is PEG...No...Pressure, Expectations, Guilt.<P>NoMas, MB equals pain for your wife as that is where you met OW. It's a huge trigger for her, and ask any betrayed here, we avoid triggers like crazy. You, I'm sure have your own triggers that make you think of OW. Don't push MB on her NoMas, it's hurtful to her.<P>So hey, Plan A her! Give it a shot, can't hurt a thing. Have you gotten her any unexpected gifts to show her you are thinking of her? I'll tell ya, it would go a long way to any of us betrayed here if our spouses would just let us know they love us. I don't know how long her anger will last. Mine lasted about 2 days. <P>Well, I'm all over the place with this post. Wish I had some solid answers for you, cuz you helped me so much with your story on my post about H wanting to talk to me. I guess NoMas, you have to do what we betrayed do....give it time, as much as it takes, and put her needs first.<P>BTW, "Plan A queen"...hope that was tongue in cheek you goon...LOL. Thanks for the good wishes for me and H. I still feel like I need as many of those as I can get.<P>a<P>

Hey Allison...yea...tongue and cheek all the way. Nice to hear back from you. Well...you and others bring up a good point...how about me plan A'ing her? I guess it's worth a shot. As far as moving out...seems like we have in some ways....with our scheduls lately. I've been on the road...her work shift has been evenings...been kind of sparse around here...certainly not helpful for the rebuilding part, that's for sure.<P>Anyway....thanks for the input....let me know when your book is finished. I'd like an autographed copy! :-)<P>Faith...wasn't trying to sidestep your question about 'what am I doing?' We just have found ourselves not having much time at all to be togther lately...been kind of tough.<P>I have not given up hope yet, though.<BR>Thanks for the input.

Oh, drat--I have a human side?!<P>Ha ha, NoMas.<P>I wondered when you were going to try to nab me about that masseuse guy. Didn't stop me from posting it tho I knew I'd hear something about it from you at some point.<P>Can I help it if I'm irrisistable to masseuses? <P>I'm sure he's fine. Wouldn't know. No contact. I sincerely hope he finds someone and lives happily ever after. He seems like such a sweetheart. I wish him well.<P>And I got a real up close and personal look at what affairs are all about. <P>They're not based on reality.<P>I consider it a blessing. Now I'm trying to use it to help others before they get tangled up in something like I almost did.<P>How can a WS recover with a BS LBing (and the BS doesn't even know the damage they're doing)?<P>I forget--been to any counseling, N?<P>Peace,<P>L<P> <P>

NoMas,<BR>All may not agree, but perhaps the greatest leaps forward right now will be ones you make within yourself, not with your wife.<P>Certainly you want to spend the most time with her as possible with the least amount of distraction.<P>But, my friend, you need some quiet time searching within yourself and reaching out to your God in faith.<P>You can rebuild your marriage WITH your wife, but you need to reclaim your own self by reaching inward and looking Upward for the most part by YOURSELF.<P>Guard your heart, fill your mind with the positive and the Spiritual. Refuse to let your resolve be weakened.<P>Stay the course with your eye on the goal and do not waver in your conviction.<P>These are the things you can do that doesn't even require interaction with your wife.<P>Take the initiative. Lead the way. Don't wait for her to Plan A you. Plan A her. The more you give, the more you will receive.<P>

NoMas,<BR>Hello, Hello...<P>I hate ever so much to be a nag, but now I clarified my question, you still haven't answered it. I know you are out there today, NoMas....<P>What specific things are you doing, reading and thinking to make progress at least on an individual level?<P>If you are wondering, I'm trying to hold you accountable for your own recovery, 'cause I know you got it in you.<P>One additional question. Have you considered Plan A'ing seriously?<P>

Faith....<P>I really don't mean to appear like I am avoiding you. I just don't know how to answer your question. Keep in mind that I was gone for 8 days...just got back on Tuesday afternoon....wife had to go to work at 2 until 11:30pm. Saw little of her the next day as I had errands and business to take care of with kids in town....ran late...as I got home, she was back on her way to work. She worked until nearly midnight THurs....came home and had the 7-3 shift today (Friday). WHen she got off...she had to take kids to the big city for overnight shopping for school clothes. Will be back tomorrow afternoon. Soooo...we just have not had time together. Story of our marriage the last year or two.<P>***sigh****<P>When she has her "angry" spells....I just 'take it' and let her know she will not run me off. Aside from that, at this point...I really don't know what to do. <P>Reading some of these posts tonight have really gotten next to me. <P>Just don't know...what to do....<P>*******HUGE SIGH*********

OK...not that you asked , but here are my suggestions.<P>Change your attitude that you must recover together to one that you personally must be accountable for your own recovery.<P>Of course you have to rebuild your relationship with wife. But I think during the time you are not together (which unfortunately sounds like most of the time) you can work on your thought life and your spiritual life.<P>What book are you currently reading? How is your renewed Spiritual journey?<P>Are you conciousy thinking good thoughts about your wife. Are you remembering the good times and dwelling on her good characteristics?<P>Are you minimizing her weaknesses and putting the best construction on all that she does?<P>Are you stopping yourself when you think of OW and replacing those thoughts with a prayer to release you of this millstone?<P>Are you thinking of nice things, little things, you can do for your wife? Are you being kind and loving?<P>Are you studying Plan A so you can Plan A your wife?<P>Or are you just existing in your marriage and dwelling on your disappointment that your wife isn't responding quite the way you would like?<P>What are you doing personally for your own healing and what are you doing for your wife? Remember it is in giving that we receive.<P>There, I'll ask one more time. Gettin' to be a nag, aren't I? <P><BR>