I started getting suspicious about Mid-March. Im 43 and wife is 37. Two kids daughter 16 son 8. Anyway, she was constantly leaving in the evening, leaving me home with the kids. Had to go shopping,go see her friends, go work out etc. I sensed something was up. At the end of March my mother had a stroke and Dad was diagnosed with Alzhemiers. I had to have dad placed in a nursing home. Wife also bought quit a bit of thomgs and bras from Victoria Secret. Over the past several months wife had become distant, restless and kinda depressed. Easily agitated. Durring this month (april) I was left alone to deal with M & D. No help from wife. She was having secretative phone calls on her cell phone in seperate rooms or outside. She alwasys had and still does carry that phone around like her world depends on it. One night I came home from the hospital and caught her on the phone upstairs. She told me she was talking to a girlfriend. I checked the call log got the numbers and went to a pay phone and called the numbers. It turned out to be a married co-worker (wife and 3 kids) also he is my sons baseball and football coach. Inext got her cell phone bills for several months prior and found in excess of 50 calls to him each month for 4 months at all different hours. I next attempted to figure out where they were meeting. I tracked the miles and checked it was 16 miles round trip. This milage matched the distance to the mini storage facality owned by the OM and his wife. I could never catch them there. I hired a PI and gave them all this info. They tracked her to this location on 3 different occasions. They wre hiding their cars in the storage areas. They are staying 1-3 hours. I confronted her with this and she didnt deny it. She says they are just friends. II told her I anted it to stop. She has told me on several occasions it has. I recently caught her out there again at the mini-storage. She has begun to clear her phone log but Ive picked up several contacts she did delete, in comming and out going. On several occasions I have seen his mobil number on the house phone redial. She becomes angry when confronted about this. What are you doing checking up on me. She is angry I hired a PI. However, she denys an affair. They only talk. She has told me she "loves me" but is "not in love" with me. I cant get this clarified any better. She tells me she has " strong feelings" for this guy.That she "got close" to him. I asked her if she loves him she says she doesnt know. She never tells me she loves me any more. I sense she is "in love" with this guy. You know you are married to someone 14 yrs and been together longer than that. Its sometimes the unspoken that tells you the most. Thhe look in their eyes. Ive cried in front of her but she shows no feeling. She said she feels bad for me but there is no remorse. She tells me she cant give me what I need or want right now. she asked for a seperation so she could figure out what she wants. I told her to leave. She wants me to leave. She has been sleeping upstairs with the kids. Monday of this week her itemized phone bill came in. To our mutual surprise it was an itemized bill. 37 phone calls to him and numerous incoming.I confronted her with this at my sons ball game. I was quite angry.I told her I was going to confront the OM.I didnt but I sure wanted to. I know this is not about him. She tells me that Ive done nothing wrong. That night she told me she wanted a divorce. She has since been trying to recant but I know it is only about finicial things at this point. It has nothing to do with me. She and OM are both hi-school teachers. He is same age and a lot shorter than her and I. I know this guy personally and hes not a bad guy in fact i thought he was a friend. Hes not a bad person.Dont get me wrong I HATE HIM now. I did catch her out there the other night when she was suppose to be with friends. I didnt confront her with this. I do love her and we live nicely. Income $100,000+. I have two kids I adore and I want things to work out. She refuses to go to marriage counselling. I figure it might take some time for this affair to end. Ive been using plan A. How ling is enough time? I know that now they are both out of school for the summer the will use the home phone more and it will be easier to meet. Im not sure but I think she may be having a mid-life crises or depressio. Should I confront the OM? Tell his wife? Im not sure what to do. A divorce might just be the best thing. I dont think one person can save a marriage and I really dont want to be in a marriage of convience with a third party involved any thoughts would be appreciated thanks

I would certainly inform his wife and bring all of the supporting materials to show her since she has a right to know also. The chances are great that the OM will dump your wife when confronted with the loss of his marriage. Your wife is totally disrespecting you. Clearly she is in a sexual affair and she is still lying to you.

Your wife's continued adulterous behaviour is your answer to how remorseful and committed she is to rebuilding the marriage. Her actions speak louder than words.

I know she is still in her affair. Im not even sure if she ends it, what her attitude to repair our marriage would be. Would it be possible to fix this mess? I really do love her; why after she has done this to our family?; I realize I cant make here feel things she doesn't. Im not sure what her problem is the answers I get are so vague they mean nothing.Im just wondering if its simply that we've grown appart. Right now my main concerns are 1)my kids and 2)for my emotional, psychlogical and physical well being to move forward. I feel like Im stuck in a rut. Would a divorce or seperation be better. I really dont want for us to end up hating each other. we do have 2 kids together. Im just not sure what is served by seperation. What would be the purpose?

I posted a reply in Plan A/Plan B. Maybe I should have read your post here first? Your W is in the Fog. Consider putting off any major decisions for a while. You will need time to figure out what you want to do, but I agree that the OM's wife needs to know. I would think that may end it. <BR>Good luck to you.<P>IFS/Mark

I kinda understand this fog thing. She wants to talk about a divorce tonight. She says Im crazy and she doesn't like being accused of something she's not doing. How does this fog thing work? Is it explained in any of the books? How does the fog ever lift? This is the second time in one week that she has told me she wants a divorce

Austin:<P>Sorry, to hear what you are going through. It's a lot to deal with. You should read all the information you can, especially on this site. Read and inform yourself, if you haven't, before you make any major decisions. It will help you understand and be more able to deal with this. Your wife appears to be in the addiction/fog of the affair. All of this is explain on this site. <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>How To Survive Infidelity</A> <P>There is a possibility of saving your marriage, if this is what you want. <P>Maybe you should also try posting in General Questions II, you might get more of a repsonse.<P>Take Care.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited June 27, 2001).]

Well we had the divorce talk last night. Very bizzare.She goes from being angry to talking as if we are husband and wife and everything is OK. She wants me to do most of the talking and I really dont have much to say. Ive said it all already. She wants to know how she is going to make it finacially. She worries about the kids doing without. I should point out as it is now we live a VERY nice lifestyle. Her problem is she is not content. She makes statements and then gets mad if I dont respond. She isn't asking questions. She tells me shes sick of me accusing her of things she is not doing. She wants me to find her a house to buy so the kids can have a yard. The house has to be in a nice neighborhood and new. We have previously built 3 homes. I cant figure her out. She says she needs my help. <BR>Let me get this straight, she lies to me, betrays me, treats me like crap and she needs my help on top of that. Can anyone explain this to me??

<B>She wants to know how she is going to make it finacially.</B><BR>Her problem. She is the one who wants to leave.<P><B>She wants me to find her a house to buy so the kids can have a yard.</B><BR>Why won’t they have the yard they are in now? Aren’t you going to get the kids?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Austin,<P>It is clear that she is playing games with you. How many times do you need to catch her in the storage unit with the OM? She continues to lie to you and demand that you buy her a home for the kids?<BR>Do yourself a favor and find someone who will love and respect you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this woman doing this to you?

Under our state law I wont be able to get the kids. You know whats really sad is I still love this woman

<B>Under our state law I wont be able to get the kids.</B><BR>State law says the father NEVER receives the children?<P>Sounds like you need to speak with an attorney, cause you have received some bad advice!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

When my father passed away, my mother found a really novel way to get a yard for me to play in. She rolled up her sleeves, started a daycare and EARNED IT.<BR>Your wife is spoiled and has to understand that if she leaves, she will be responsible in part for her survival. She is using your children as a shield. <BR>Whether or not you stay together, you need to stop allowing her to manipulate you. She is an employable adult, not a child. I don't mean to be harsh...I've just read too many posts where people use "the kids" as an excuse to maintain a Park Avenue lifestyle.

No your not being harsh. I agree she is trying to mmanulipate me. Just this am she called me and needs me to take her to the doctor for some corrective surgery tomorrow. Im the first person she called. Whats her problem? Why doesn't she face reality? Yesterday she asked me to go look at houses with her. I did. She has to be crazy because she is looking for homes out of her price range. They would be out of my price range so Im sure they are out of hers. Do some people suddenly turn into dumbasses? I believe her and him to both fit that description. This OM w/a wife and 3kids, knows I found out everything. However, I know for a fact they are still talking on the phone(WS and OM). Does he not think I might just tell his wife? Does he not think? Its almost like giving a 5 year old a loaded gun to play with

Hi Austin:<P>I really do think my answer to you was harsh. I am sorry for that. I don't have children, so I can't imagine how strong you need to be right now.<BR>Neither do I know much about finances (some help Robyn is...). What I do know is that you have a right to establish some boundaries about what you can and cannot help her do. You are right that you need to think of your sanity. If you and your wife are agreed that you must separate at the moment, would renting for a few months be a good idea, as your lives are in such a state of transition? If you want to remain married to her, you are in the right place as far as tools and advice go...we will support your efforts in any way we can.<BR>Best wishes,<BR>Robyn

Austin,<P><B>Under our state law I wont be able to get the kids.<BR>State law says the father NEVER receives the children?</B><P>What state is this (if I can ask) that the father never receives custody?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Father can get custody in our state Oklahoma. However, daughter is 16 years old and judge will ask her who she wants to live with. She will choose mom. I have an 8 yr old son. I DO NOT want to split my kids up. I would love to have custody of both but dont see that happening with out a nasty/expensive legal battle. I have to be the adult here and put my kids first.

Ahhh.<P><B>I DO NOT want to split my kids up.</B><BR>I agree.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Austin. I can't believe it we are both going through the same exact experience. Do a search under my user name and you will understand. As for me I will be getting my children and the oldest wants to be with his Dad. My wife of 17 years that I loved very much now has a new boyfriend, found the love letters, cell phone, everything. It broke my heart. She spoke to me like I was a stranger it was just amazing. I read SAA and private Lies it helped. Yet what helps the most will be your ability to love yourself and your children. Please tell the OM wife and give her the book with your evidence. It might break the fog.<BR>There must have been reasons why she decided to go with the A. Only you know this. But she didn’t have to do it. My WS is on her second A. The pain of the betrayal was almost more then I could bear. Now I'm much stronger and realize that even if I can pull her out of her A, which I doubt. I would never trust her again; she would turn in to a lifetime problem. If you love her then start plan A but don't crowd her and tell the OM wife. As for me I'm heading for the fight of my life and I'm ready for it.<BR>The differences between you and I are these. My WS has done this before and kept it a secret for over 18 months. She is never home and drinks too much. Now into her second A with someone going through the same thing as her. Both in a fantasy world. Will it last for her, I doubt it. I'm sure as I’m writing this that she will live to regret her actions. But by that time the damage would of been done.<BR>Austin, be strong and read the books recommended and do as I tell you. As for divorce try and slow that process down. There will be fallout because it is a LB but the answer is that you will not live a lie. It will most likely kill the A. They die on the vine once everyone is on the same page.<P>

YES exactly the same. Second time for my wife as well. Send me an email at Jdelaney@mcg-ins.com. We can compare notes.